There was a quote the other day on Facebook that said something along the lines, “If you can’t stand that I blurt out random lines to songs based on what you say. You can’t be my friend.”
“I left my SON, in San Francisco”, is the modified line to the song that I just can’t seem to get out of my mind these days.
I love San Francisco. And, I love my son. And, I never expected to fly away from San Francisco leaving my son behind, for what is likely to be 4 years, and could very well be a lifetime.
My Aunt Ileana always told me, “Children are lent, not given.” Life calls them back as they grow, and away from us as parents. I knew she was right, and now I am giving my oldest back to the world.
I remember the days when sending my son to sleep away camp seemed like a painful idea… How times change.
I wrote a piece a few weeks back about “Joyful Sorrow”. The moment that he departed for college was a joyful one, as well as a sad one. And, I knew then that as balanced adults, we are able to embrace new “normals”.
So this past weekend, I had the opportunity to visit my son in college.
As much as I like to convince myself that San Francisco is just a 5 hour plane ride to Baltimore, not THAT much different than friends who have kids in upstate New York or Ohio – the reality of how the West Coast is felt very real.
For some reason, visiting him for the first time brought back the same joy I used to feel when I visited my wife, then my girlfriend, in college. The anticipation of seeing them made me smile deeply. As I drove around to find his dorm, I was grateful for the invention of cell phones which would have made my visits decades ago so much more convenient.
My son, as with likely all young men of that age group are concise and to the point when it comes to communication with parents. “Fine” or “Fun” is enough narrative to describe almost any experience or situation via text.
What I found, though, when I arrived in person, was a warm, lovely, ambitious man, happy to see his father.
He was proud and patient showing me around the beautiful campus and introducing me comfortably to his many energetic and sociable friends.
We talked at length about all of the things he was doing – and found myself so deeply content to be in engaged and meaningful conversations with him.
Above all, I was so proud of his independence and so grateful for his happiness.
He worked very hard in high school and accomplished wonderful things, but his social life always seemed just on a slight different frequency from most of his fellow students and friends. He brought a more mature, open and comfortable version of himself to college, and he has found a place where there are so very many ambitious, talented and fun young adults who perhaps understand a little better who he is and what motivates him…
I realize that our relationship as father and son will never be quite the same. And, in many ways it is greater and deeper than ever.
And, that is both sad and amazing.
He is now living brand new experiences and learning so many things that I do not know.
We are clearly at that point where his life no longer is a subset of mine, but is very much his own. His journey has begun, and we will now share moments along our parallel journeys rather than one journey itself.
I occasionally feel the disharmony (“wishing”) that distance can create in missing those we love. I miss the frequency of his presence in my days.
But, at the heart of my want for him… at the core of my harmony… has always been the desire to have him be driven, independent, and happy, and as I like to say, to be the best and happiest version of himself. My greatest desire for him is that he find his purpose in life, and he is well on his way...
And, I can’t imagine a better place for him to be, than as far away as he landed.
I get it.
The other part that becomes so very real in this realization is that my journey continues.
Our children are such a fully consuming part of our lives, until they are not…
I need to be deliberate with my time and with my dreams…
San Francisco has for many years been my favorite city in the US, and now I want for it more than ever.
My tears are now infrequent, and I couldn’t imagine being any prouder of him.
I left my son in San Francisco… but I take him with me in my heart and mind wherever I go.
I will accept texts conveying, “Fine” and “Fun”…
Son – you go unleash yourself upon your world… And, I will go unleash myself upon mine.
I can’t wait to see you again and learn about what new adventures you has uncoveredalong your journey.
I am here… in any moment where I may be able to provide any guidance or reassurance…
And, I am fine knowing those will be unusual treats.
This was always the plan…
This was always the dream…
And, I will always hold you gently with my heart and cheer for you with my spirit!
ENJOY!
Yours in proud and accepting harmony!
Pa