Not many people feel comfortable today telling someone else to do something, “because I f’ing said SO!”
The world has changed for most managers and parents…
It has evolved.
But we are still human.
I hear often in conversation, the sentiment, the desire for the world to remain more the way it was…
You may not have ever, or have recently said, “because I said so!”
But, have you thought it? Have you conveyed it in ways beyond words?
Now, I get that there are times of high urgency… the military needs to work that way at times, during safety situations with kids at times, extremely tight deadline where the time needed to explain something is just not there.
Those moments happen. But they are rare.
More often, its out of frustration, because we have already explained ourselves and are short on patience… and we just want something done… especially with kids. They try our patience.
But, I, for one, am glad the world has evolved…
because I don’t like to be treated that way.
And, I don’t like to treat people that way.
I really try to take that "Do onto others" thing literally...
I hear people passionately share their desire for the world to allow us to give directives more like the way it used to be…
“People are being paid for what they do. They should do what we tell them.”
"I pay you. You do what I need."
“Why doesn’t he just do his homework. I told him to…”
Sometimes I hear people explain why something needs to be done, but they have an underlying tone of “just f’ing do it!” They aren’t truly committed to educating their audience. They aren’t truly committed to listening to any feedback on the direction. They just want it done.
IT’S EASIER the way it used to be.
IT’S A LOT EASIER. THAT IS WHY PEOPLE MISS IT.
IT’S FASTER! “Just DO IT!”
IT’s MORE EFFICIENT! “Just DO IT!”
BUT, IT’S NOT NECESSARILY BETTER.
1. It implies that we know better.
Which may be the case, many times, but not always.
If convey the why… people can improve upon your direction.
2. It says that we don’t care if our audience is committed to it.
And, many people DON’T care if their audience is committed to it.
I DO! Because if someone I am giving direction to, isn’t committed to it, they won’t carry it out with purpose nor with excellence. I’d rather know that up front.
3. Most importantly, it doesn’t give people an EXPLICIT CHOICE.
As human beings, we seek out CHOICES. We want to control our lives. And, anything that we feel FORCED to do, we do almost certainly with disharmony.
We don’t care about it as much. It wasn’t my choice.
We don’t own it as much. It wasn’t my choice.
We don’t care about the results as much. It wasn’t my choice.
We don’t try to improve upon it as much. It wasn’t my choice.
We at times choose to do it incorrectly, differently, or not do it at all… It wasn’t my choice.
We LOVE our ability to CHOOSE.
We SEEK ourability to CHOOSE.
Why not LEVERAGE that human desire by providing the why, and allowing our colleagues to embrace and thus CHOOSE the directive that we are requesting?
Yes, it does take a little more time.
Yes, it does require a little more patience.
Yes, it does require a little more intelligence on OUR part… because it FORCES us to define the criteria, to understand the WHY of our requests.
Yes, it does require us to keep our ego in check, because it may be challenged.
But, it CONVEYS RESPECT… and NOTHING we do is more important in human relationships than CONVEY RESPECT!
Telling you the why of my direction and allowing you to question it – tells you that I trust your intellect and that I respect & value your ability to CHOOSE.
“Because I f’ing said so…” In my opinion, is one of the most disrespectful things anyone can say to me.
And the response always in my mind is, “SO?”
Because ANYONE says anything is not enough reason for me to do it.
I do things because I CHOOSE TO DO THEM. Because I see the VALUE in them.
And, I believe as human beings we all crave the same thing…
We want to CHOOSE to do things that MATTER.
We all want to CHOOSE to do things that ADD VALUE.
Anyone who wants to manage or parent by the “because I said so method” is, in my opinion, either:
1. Ignorant to this very important to this human dynamic,
2. Disrespectful of their fellow human beings and their ability to add value,
3. Lazy and just don’t want to spend the time, or
4. FEARFUL that if they have to support their direction with rationality they will lose their power, or be seen as less than intelligent.
People who want to manage or parent with the “Because I said so” style need to think about all of the basic values that they have of the people they are addressing.
People who want to manage or parent with explanations understand the powerful opportunity and reality of empowerment… specially, if we want the behaviors and methodologies that we are professing to endure time.
Nobody is going to embrace harmony simply “because I said so.”
You need to understand for yourself why it makes sense and how it applies, or doesn’t apply to your life. You ultimately CHOOSE whether you buy into the idea or not. Everything works that way.
Parenting is a more difficult dynamic than managing, because our children often lack the maturity to embrace the “why” of our lessons. But, isn’t that our most important responsibility as parents, to educate them as to they why’s of life and help them be successfully independent? If we don’t give them the why’s they will be less able to reapply the lessons.
And, remember, harmony begets harmony and disharmony begets disharmony.
If we parent with the “because I said so”, that often goes hand in hand with the “do as I say, not as I do” style, we create young adults or young managers who use FORCE in their directives to achieve compliance…
Who learn that disrespect is necessary in communicating directives.
I am glad the world has evolved.
We all fail at times to show up in the right way... but that doesn't mean we shouldn't know and be committed to RIGHT vs WRONG.
I don’t expect anyone to do ANYTHING, simply because I say so.
EVERYONE has a CHOICE.
EVERYONE has VALUE to add… and EVERYONE WANTS TO ADD IT.
Think about what prompts your frustration in communication. And, when in a corner, and in your head you wan’t to shout “BECAUSE I SAID SO”… think about what you may be missing in your rationale, think about whether the individual you are talking to should really be on your team, think about what is truly at the heart of your frustration…
And… CHOOSE WISELY!
Ultimately…
It’s ALWAYS YOUR choice!
… And, it’s THEIRS too!
Yours in harmony,
Nesto