Why are disagreements with our spouse different?
I don’t know if I know the answer,
I just know that they are…
If a friend or a colleague or virtually anyone else in our lives does something different than we would have done… we smile and think nothing about it.
If a friend has a hobby,
Likes working out,
Or never works out,
If they talk too much,
Or not enough,
If a friend is a spender,
Or a coupon cutter…
We don’t care so much. We love them and think to ourselves… “Oh that (fill in first name), he/she has always been like that… You gotta love ‘him.”
But with our spouses, specially, few things feel that way.
Every disagreement is noted. If not in an argument, emotionally somehow I think it still registers.
From the inconsequential to the very important… we tend to be aware of our life partner's choices.
WHY is that? HOW is that good or bad for a relationship?
Are you one that runs out the door when the milk is out, or do you go a day drinking juice?
Are you one that cleans the dishes immediately after dinner, or do you let them sit?
Are you one that goes on vacation and spends money on experiences when things are a little tight, or do you skip expenses until you’ve got savings in the bank?
Are you one that is out to improve yourself, or one that is out to improve all those around you?
Are you one that reaches out to grab a hand, or does holding hands not matter?
Are you one that gives gift cards, or gives experiences?
Are you one that gives gifts that you can touch, or is touching in and of itself a gift?
Are you one that hesitates, or one that lunges?
So many aspects of who we are; big and small, consequential and inconsequential, meaningful and meaningless…
When we disagree on our approach to life or to a moment with a spouse, why does it feel different?
Often times the disagreement is not an argument, just a noted different way of being.
We all acknowledge that we have our quirks.
We all know that we are imperfect.
We all respect that is what makes us interesting, and in many ways what attracts us to one another.
Then why do those differences in approach matter so much?
You notice it in couples who have been together for a long, long time. They are so often so very critical of every little thing they do.
I’ve seen it not just in my parents, but in so many older couples. They get angry at what the other eats, what the other likes, even how the other dresses.
I always find it so deeply sad when an old couple hurts each other on the small aspects of their existence. How must it feel if the person you’ve spent the majority of your life thinks everything you do is wrong.
Of course, it isn’t.
With our spouses, for some reason our approach to life feels like a zero-sum game, meaning that if one is right the other must be wrong.
For whatever reason, when our spouses approach to something differs from ours, I think on some level, we feel like it lessens us. Which is irrational and nonsense, but do we feel that?
So, if we aren’t careful and we allow ourselves to feel like “less” when we take an approach to life, either in the micro or macro sense, then one of a few things happen (and sometimes more than one of those).
We resent our spouse for making us feel that way.
We mock or push back on our spouses approach, or make a mental note (outwardly or inwardly).
Either it feeds our sense of heck yes, “I am right” or “I am not enough”.
And, then, those that don’t know better start investing the kids in “who is right” on a given approach to life. The kids become territory or market share to be won, in an effort to control the “board” in the game of life ;-)
I think that is ultimately it.
With our spouses, and actually with people whose outcomes are bound with ours, we feel like compromise in direction is compromise in ourselves.
It’s happened to me a few times this past week at work, where I made people feel bad. I created significant disharmony because we disagreed on a given strategic direction.
With our spouses and partners in business, we SHARE THE BOARD IN THE GAME OF LIFE. Their decisions, micro and macro, will affect the ultimate score, our ultimate “chance of winning”, our ULTIMATE EXPERIENCE.
If one person likes to travel and the other doesn’t,
If one person is a cuddler and the other one isn’t,
If one person is a risk taker and the other one isn’t,
If one person is a dreamer and the other one isn’t,
If one person is __________ and the other one isn’t…
It means that our ultimate experience in life will be compromised from what it would have been had we been out there, living on our own…
The fact is… in a warped and irrational way, somewhere deep in our emotions, I think, we start to believe that if we could decide every aspect, every approach… if we could make EVERY DECISION in our lives, we would live happier.
And, that is a flawed assumption!
Flawed, flawed, flawed!!!!
BECAUSE:
1. We are making the assumption that “happier” is that simple and that we can find it emotionally alone. It makes the assumption that “happier” is simply doing what WE want. ALONE! And, I think, rationally, we would all agree that alone (not necessarily physically, but certainly emotionally) is not where happiness is found.
2. It is arrogant! Do I really think that in every aspect of life, I know better? Heck no! Yet, when I isolate every small decision, I sometimes feel like my way is clearly better.
3. It is ungrateful! Do I think I would be where I am if it wasn’t for the tremendous contribution of my wife? That would be crazy. At this point, our decisions in life are so intertwined that there would be no way to know – but I certainly wouldn’t be where I am.
4. It is selfish! It isn’t just MY life to live. It isn’t just my “Game of LIFE” board that I am playing on. It’s OUR board. And, if we want to live in harmony and feel success and happiness, we both need to feel it and share and own the decisions.
5. It’s IMPOSSIBLE! I think most of us would agree that ultimately happiness and success MUST BE based on human CONNECTION. We feel most – that which we can share. It is human connection that makes us truly feel our worth. SO HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY ACHIEVE A SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY LIFE WITHOUT HUMAN CONNECTION… AND HOW CAN HUMAN CONNECTION HAPPEN WITHOUT COMPROMISE? It can’t!
6. It’s disharmonic! Believing that if we made all decisions in our life we’d be better off, puts you in a place of WISHING that you could, WISHING that every decision that is not the way you’d do it was different.
Truly, when I lay it out this way, its clear and its crazy!
The reason our spouses decisions and approach to life, and sometimes our key colleagues at work, weighs on us so heavily, is because of a FLAWED assumption that we always know better, that there is only one way to happiness, that we’d really create something richer and more meaningful left on our own.
THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH is that
it’s not just MY life, it’s OUR life…
it’s MUCH BETTER & RICHER because of the influence of my wife, my business partners, those closest to me…
it’s HAPPIEST when we are in shared moments, in shared emotion…
SO, embracing that TRUTH allows us to move into the life that we ultimately want…
A life of harmony…
It can’t exist any other way…
There is some truth to “picking our battles”… but the concept of battle is in itself flawed.
Maybe its about PICKING OUR PASSIONS and not trying to “beat” anyone out on any given decision,
but rather EMBRACE each others passions….
WEAVE each others passions…
At the macro and micro levels of life…
And, TRUST that our combined passions will lead to the greatest possible outcome,
NOT EVERYTHING MATTERS…
NOT EVERYTHING CAN MATTER…
There is so much room for two or more people to collaborate for an amazing life...
For an AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
The flawed assumption is that I could have the greatest possible life if I got to make every decision.
The enlightened assumption is that I can experience the greatest possible life if I trust the people I love and embrace their passion alongside mine… so that together we can construct moments that we can all celebrate and own together…
It certainly isn't easy. It's why marriage and business partnerships are the toughest of all relationships, but also the ones that can be the source of the greatest joy!
I am not saying every relationship should stand the test of time and last forever. I know many wonderful people that have decided to part ways. When passions just do not overlap enough, sometimes different paths is a better option. But, while we are together, in the moments where we are sharing a life, embracing both passions and approaches to life is paramount.
The objective is not to make love last, but to make love work well and bring us joy, together.
I think I understand it better now. I will always rationally reject emotions born of flawed assumptions.
It's not MY life, it's OUR life! And life will be better overall if I fully embrace that.
Harmony begets harmony…
Nestor