So often I hear business leaders (or parents for that matter) say,
“Why didn’t they (or he or she) just tell me?”
regarding some aspect of the company or the family that was causing the individual anxiety or stress.
“Why didn’t they just tell me?”…
I also hear leaders and parents say, “You can tell me anything… I want to be the person you come to when you are out of options, or ideally before…”.
I say it all the time.
I’ve told you before, my role in the company is fairly simple…
I need to make sure that any conversation that NEEDS to happen, CAN happen, AND DOES happen.
I get that is easier said than done.
Last week I was giving a workshop on “Business 101” to high school students. I told them, “one of the most powerful things that I have learned in business and in life is that there are two truths… there is MY truth and THE truth. The wiser that you are at seeing the differences, the more successful that you will be.”
MY TRUTH.
THE TRUTH.
When people muster up the courage to tell you the TRUTH that they see, that they feel. How do leaders and parents normally respond? How do YOU respond?
Just this past week, I received a heartfelt and critical email from one of our engineers regarding some of our processes and technology. It was hard to read, but I saw some very powerful elements in his observations.
I thanked him sincerely for sharing it. This email was probably the fourth level of depth that he had provided on his issues with our business. Each time he gets a little more honest about his concerns.
I shared his email with a couple of other senior partners. I could see how physically they reacted to the email. They couldn’t separate THEIR truth from THE truth. Immediately, they shifted to all the reasons why this individual was incorrect in his conclusions.
It’s not the first time that I have gone through this. With the best of intentions, we are human beings and we are emotional beings.
When people tell us things that we don’t want to OWN or HEAR, so very often we shift into fight or flight. Rationally we might want to try to understand it, but our emotional being can’t sit still. Our emotional being in the most careful (NOT) of ways jumps out of his seat to protect our ego, to deflect the fear, to affirm our intellect.
We so often immediately jump to either:
- Disqualify the individual’s credibility: Find the thing about that person that they did, or are, that makes their point “valueless” because they have cast doubt on their intellect or loyalty. This is easy for children, “He’s only a kid. What does he know?” Or for newcomers, “He’s only been with the company for 6 months. What does he know?”
- Reject the conclusions based on incompleteness or inaccuracy: Whoever is giving us the feedback, doesn’t have the “full” story, so therefore their points are invalid, or they misstated some detail of the story so they must not know what they are talking about.
People are so much smarter than we give them credit for… I am assuming we hire intelligent people. I am assuming we raise responsible children. They are able to assess our family or our businesses often with a clearer mind than we can. Or, at least from a NEW / DIFFERENT perspective!
We think we are so smart.
“I know, I’ll just say ‘thank you’” and then discount it and forget it.
When we hate / reject / disqualify their feedback, THEY KNOW IT. EVEN IF we are smiling and telling them how much we appreciate it.
The alternative, and it’s not easy, is to ACTUALLY MEAN IT when you say you want to know what people think.
I don’t wait to hear people’s feedback to decide whether its valuable or not. I ASSUME IT’S VALUABLE INHERENTLY. Why would anyone want to give me critical feedback that they didn’t believe in?
I value people.
I truly and sincerely do.
I value people’s courage to speak up (specially up the ‘ladder’ of hierarchy that I so try to dissolve).
And, if I value people, I value their opinion, their perspective…
And, I assume it is valuable, honest and insightful from the onset.
So, when I hear feedback, I don’t THEN go and decide if I “value” it, or “agree” with it.
It’s really irrelevant if I “agree” with it or not. They are feeling it – so it is real!
And, if they are feeling it – I GUARANTEE YOU others with LESS COURAGE to speak up are ALSO FEELING IT!
So, there is a conversation that NEEDS to happen there somewhere.
When I tell our company I want to hear what they think. I mean it.
And, somehow, people know it. And, when it’s time to speak up, they speak to me.
I feel a real responsibility to protect the people who speak up, and to protect their feedback – to HEED it.
So many leaders hear feedback and immediately discount it, if it doesn’t fit THEIR TRUTH.
I so very value whatever it is that allows people to trust me enough to speak up.
People are smart, and they can tell viscerally when leaders truly want the truth, and when they don’t.
The key is not to tell people they want feedback, but to passionately seek the truth.
And, when someone has the courage to share their truth.
Have the wisdom and the courage to truly hear it… and the ability to know the difference between YOUR truth, and THE truth.
If you want people to share the truth, HAVE THE COURAGE YOURSELF TO SHARE THE TRUTH. Tell people what you really think. Show people that you have a curiosity for THE TRUTH, not just YOUR truth, and see what happens!
If you hear anyone say, “Why didn’t they just tell me?” Know that the answer is likely, “because you really didn’t want to hear the truth.”
SEEK IT
FIND IT
and, ACT ON IT!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor