There are a lot of complex situations going on in my life and work.
I think about writing about them, and often stumble in how to capture them appropriately in a couple of pages.
So, today, I thought I would write about CAR WASH PARENTING, instead!
CAR WASH PARENTING… you ask?
What the heck is that?
Yesterday was prom for my oldest son, and he wanted the car to be clean, so he asked me to make sure I cleared it out of all my “stuff”.
I had a hectic week, so I was unable to get it to the car wash until Friday, and when I went, there was a long line.
I thought to myself, WHY AM I THE ONE GETTING THE CAR CLEANED FOR MY SON’S PROM?
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 1
Let your kids do the things they should and can do for themselves. Let them take pride in the process of impressing their dates ;-)
After all, I am the one lending him the car. It’s his interest to impress his date, why doesn’t he wash it? Or at least join me in the “fun”?
So, I waited until yesterday (Saturday) to go with him. It was before 9 am and my youngest was up and about (on the video screen). I thought about going on my own and then I thought,
”Here is an opportunity to have my son get off the screen and join me for some constructive father and son wash the car time!”
So, I said, “Get your shoes on – we’re going to wash the car”… he slightly begrudgingly but generally happily obliged.
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 2
Invite and include your kids in constructive chores as much as possible. I don’t do that many chores, so it’s not so easy for me. But, whenever I do, I feel that invisible silly pressure that we parents feel not to interfere in our children’s lives… to DO for them, instead of DO WITH THEM.
As he was getting his shoes on, my oldest “the prom goer” got up. “Put your shoes on, we’re going to wash the car”. He’d just gotten up. “Do I have to?”
DECISION TIME – how do I react… “OFCOURSE you have to!” or otherwise…
So, I said, “It’s your date and your dance that we are washing the car for… you decide if you should join us or not… and, I’m sure we’ll have some fun.”
He got up with mixed emotions and said, “I’ll come…” My heart filled in silent pride at his decision. He’s a great young man.
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 3
Asking our children FIRST, before demanding from them is SUCH a POWERFUL and underutilized parenting skill. Explaining to them why they should decide to do the right thing, instead of just demanding that they do… It’s beautiful when it works, and important, even when it doesn’t. Think of it this way… do YOU like to be TOLD or ASKED?
So, off we went to the car wash. Laughing and playing music and happy to be starting the weekend off together.
We agreed to get some donuts on the way home for breakfast. Poked at each other with funny nicknames… we were just boys on a Saturday morning car ride.
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 4
Make life fun! Even “chores”… There is NO reason not to!
We got to the car wash and had a great conversation about why car washes are so much more common in the United States than in Peru. Why the large capital investment makes more sense in a more developed economy… “the cost of labor” was the answer I was looking for, and I focused the question on my youngest…
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 5
Every experience can be a learning experience… especially if you keep them short and interesting… and assist your children in figuring out the answer for themselves!
We went through the car wash and pulled around to the vacuum.
This is the place where the real “HARD Labor” happens. This is where we actually have to get OUT OF THE CAR, and work together to make the 3 – 4 minute vacuum operation happen.
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS PART…
This is a lesson that I always struggle with…
You place your hard earned $1.75 in all quarters in the vacuum. My oldest, smart as a tack, waits to place the final quarter until the moment where the floor mats are out of the car, the vacuum is fully stretched and the doors are all open.
It’s ONLY $1.75… but there is some PRIMAL INSTINCT that always happens to me with the vacuum… Some part of my amigdala switches to FIGHT OR FLIGHT… where the end of the vacuum feels like a bomb is going to go off inside the car…
IF WE DON’T FINISH THE WHOLE CAR IN THE 3 MINUTES…
WE LOSE!!!
I know its irrational… but It’s doable…
So, I remind myself… PATIENCE… This is the opportunity to TEACH the boys how to organize themselves around the car and this exercise, how to work together, and how to effectively vacuum the car.
“They haven’t done this nearly as many times as you have, so DON’T EXPECT THEM to be fast.” The little voice in my head says to myself…
PATIENCE… Leverage this as a great training lesson. It’s ONLY $1.75!
I once again remind myself…. “DON’T TAKE CONTROL OF THE VACUUM.. LET THEM DO IT!”…
My heartbeat picks up the moment the last quarter goes in…
CLINK…
“GAME ON!!!” My mind shouts…
“No, don’t take the vacuum out and around the car, hand it to each other inside the car”… I hear myself say more loudly than I intended…
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 6
It’s so important NOT to make our children feel back when they are learning something new. So important NOT to say things that will make them feel bad about their efforts…
They started and I noticed he forgot to vacuum the seats… “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” said the voice in my head…
The
TICK
TOCK
TICK
TOCK
Of the invisible and unknowable timer ticked on in my head…
Front seats done…
“Nice switch… that was quick.” I said.
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 7
Don’t discourage them with your words… but rather give them appropriate and authentic encouragement and praise…
Back seats underway…
I saw myself grab the vacuum and go back to the front seat…
Disappointment ran through me… It’s $1.75 I thought… WHO CARES…
TICK
So, I handed the vacuum quickly back.
I saw real pride and purpose in my young son’s face. I could tell he was actually having fun and wasn’t missing his video game AT ALL!
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 8
Even in the simplest and silliest of things… PURPOSE and a SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT are REAL motivators and drivers of JOY & HAPPINESS!
TOCK
Again, I took the vacuum when we got to the car mats sitting near the car…
I handed it back…
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 9
We are human beings, and thus, with the best of parenting intentions…
We occasionally fall short… We FAIL…
WE ARE IMPERFECT
and we must simply hand the vacuum back and try again!
The boys proceeded to do the trunk…
ALARM… the hose didn’t reach. My oldest ran aroud to the front, I threw him the keys… he moved the car forward…
TICK
TOCK
TICK
TOCK
We knew our seconds were limited… we started on the trunk… and halfway through the trunk…
THE BOMB WENT OFF!
The hose stopped…
Disappointment filled our hearts… It had been an unspoken game, and possibly I was playing it by myself… but we all felt the weight of defeat!
Until my son says, “Eh, Dad… It’s the trunk… It’s just going to get dirty again anyway…!”
So wise at such a young age ;-)
“I agree” I said, “We’re good…”
VICTORY WAS RECLAIMED…
"Thank you boys for joining me... I love spending time with you... no matter what it is that we are doing." I said.
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 10
Be gracious with your children... value their time and let them know you love spending it together. We are so often distracted from them... and away from them... It's so special when we are together.
We laughed and hopped back in the car to get some donuts…
CAR WASH PARENTING LESSON NUMBER 11
Laugh at yourself… make life fun… accept that you are imperfect… and don’t take the wonder and the joy out of the mundane… it’s where so many of our best & fondest memories are made…
Maybe this gives you a little appreciation… if this is where my mind goes during a car wash moment… imagine where my mind goes on more serious matters ;-)
My son had a great time at prom. The car looked elegant and clean… and we shared a lot of laughs in the morning…
How does this tie to harmony?
IT ALL HAPPENS IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS…
And IN EVERY MOMENT, I DELIBERATELY TRY TO MOVE
TOWARD MY WANT…
Of having my boys learn about life… about how it works and how it can be enjoyed…
And my want to have them remember these days and our interactions… as fun, loving and unforgettable….
AND THEN WE WERE OFF TO THE NEXT MOMENT…
DON’T MISS ‘EM…
Yours in harmony,
Nestor