“Is this all I will ever amount to?”
That is a question that I ask myself all of the time.
The answer of a possible “yes” used to unravel me.
Maybe that is why I feared dying.
“Is this all I will ever amount to?”
Will I never own a home larger than the one I am in?
Will I never run a company larger than EMG?
Will I never contribute more than 3 wonderful boys and a harmony blog to the world?
Is this all that I was meant to be? Was this the best that I could do?
A lot of people tell me they don’t ask themselves these questions. I don’t know if it’s a survival instinct to steer us away from possible pain, or the laziness to work through the answers, or possibly that some people are ok with all of it and don’t need to revisit the questions.
I don’t know…
But the little voices in my head are relentless.
Asking myself that question used to create angst in me.
If I answered “yes”… then I would beat myself up for not taking greater risk, for not having made different decisions, for not being bolder or smarter… ANGST (or as some would call it “disharmony”.
If I answered “no”… you can do more and be more! Then, I would play of the “you are not enough yet” playbook. And, burn my fuel endlessly and reach and jump trying to be more.
I used to feel so far, so very far from the man that I wanted to be. A friend of mine used to call it “Your man on the wall.”
I would compare where I was to “my man on the wall” that I had painted that was such a strong man, smart man, successful man, maybe even perfect man. And, I would always lose.
It truly surprises me how different I feel about the question now. By “now”” I mean in the past few years. I don’t know its if I feel like I have achieved a little bit more success. (I really DOUBT that is the primary reason.) Or, if its because I have internalized the concept of harmony to the point where I believe it deeply and thoroughly.
The concept of harmony suggests that the question is flawed and ridiculously hypothetical.
“Is this all I will ever be?” assumes that life could ever be static… which its not.
It assumes that I have any clue about what I truly am today… that I know who I truly am and how I have truly affected or not affected my children, my family, my friends, my colleagues…
The concept of harmony is that life is an explosion of human interactions captured in every moment as an “atom”… It is ever changing, ever expanding, ever evolving…
So, it would be impossible for our existence to ever be static.
The fact that we have lived has changed the trajectory of the course of the world in some way…
So maybe the question should be, is my impact to the trajectory of life in the world meaningful and valuable?
Yes, I think so.
Could it be more so… always… and that is my purpose.
Maybe the question should be, “If I died today, would I regret the decisions that I made? Do I wish I could have accomplished more?”
I am at peace now with the answer…
I am what I am. No regrets – they are useless.
If I died today, I would die so very pleased with how I have grown and evolved. I would die grateful for the love that I have felt, for the people that I have known and enjoyed, for the awesome ride I got to take.
When I ask myself the question now, it’s much less about me and what I would have wanted… its much more about me and acknowledging all that I have received.
The concept of harmony says that I only exist in this moment… and this moment is its own moment… free from history and possibility…
And, in this moment, I am grateful. Grateful for my home, my family, my strengths, my journey… so if this is all I get to BE… I get to be thrilled.
It’s a whole different way of thinking about the question.
Do I want to live longer and do more. HELL YES! And, if I am fortunate enough to wake up tomorrow, I will take those moments to try to build on the ones I lived today.
I will try to love better, work smarter, spread harmony bigger… who knows. I will do the best that I can tomorrow, and I will try to make it a little bit better than I did today…
And, that is enough.
It’s all I got…
And, I am good with that.
The man on the wall is smiling at me.
He is still my mentor, my coach, my confidant, my inner voice, my dream, my aspiration.
It’s good to have him there. He helps me.
But I no longer define my happiness and satisfaction and worth based upon my comparison with him.
Is it a cop out? Have I lowered my bar?
I don’t think so. My bar is where it has always been, and I am still reaching for it.
But, the concept of harmony has educated me as to the fact that I wanted to live a grateful, happy and meaningful life. I wanted to make the life of those around me better… and in order to do all of those things, accepting my self fully in the moment is essential… because I have to embrace my IS so that I can then strive toward my WANT.
The fact that there will always be a WANT doesn’t take away from my IS.
The fact that I will always want to be more… a larger more powerful explosion of human interaction is my ambition, not the definition of my worth.
“Is this all that I will ever amount to?”
Maybe…
Who knows…
Who cares…
If it ends today, I am so very deeply grateful for the ride. I am giving it my all… and that is ENOUGH.
And, if it doesn’t end today, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to try a better version of myself tomorrow… and that is my purpose.
Sure, I have my ups and downs… but my angst with this question is gone.
If all I ever contributed to the world was a small influence on the love in my boys hearts, in my wives heart, in my friends hearts, in my colleagues hearts… it was a life well worth living for…
My purpose is to influence the world around me in a positive way, to influence those around me to find greater harmony in their lives… and to enjoy the ride along the way…
Will I ever own a bigger house?... how could that possibly be anywhere in the same conversation… who cares… I’d like to… and if I do, I will use it to celebrate even bigger and love better and enjoy more… and if I don’t… it’s irrelevant.
If this is all I will ever amount to?… it is a greater and more meaningful existence than I could have ever dreamt of…
Keep the harmony explosion going…
BOOM!!!! ;-)
Yours in harmony,
Nestor