A Bright Son!
As some of you know, my oldest son graduates this year from High School and will be heading to Stanford University.
Yes, I am very proud of him for many, many reasons. And, one of those reasons is a lesson that he taught me earlier this year.
My son played basketball for many years. We met many great friends and had wonderful times watching him play.
This past year, his Senior year, he was debating whether or not to play for his Varsity basketball team. We had many conversations. We actually did a time study, and I was trying hard not to steer him toward or away the decision.
After much consideration, he decided not to play basketball because
1. He didn’t think he would be uniquely impactful to the team.
2. He didn’t feel like he would have time to do his college essays and applications, plan his final Blue Ocean Competition (an event he created for all students in the state of Maryland), and maintain his grades.
Initially, the decision seemed simple. He was working diligently on his applications, he was setting up his big state-wide event and keeping his grades up.
As the applications wrapped up and basketball season picked up steam, the team was having a fantastic season. They were undefeated in the county. My son started going to more and more of the games as he had time. I went to a few and watched him cheer his team on, as he sat in the students’ section and I sat in the adults.
My heart hurt a little. I wondered if he was experiencing regret. He had decided not to play, and it certainly would have been a great year to play.
Our whole family was there when the team won their second playoff game in the very final second and the team and fans filled the court.
We were there at the big arena at College Park when the team won the final four semi-final, and when they won the State Championship a few days later.
I watched my son with his red wig cheering on his team… and I felt guilty because I had not encouraged him to “figure out a way” to play. I felt bad.
So bad, that eventually I had to ask him as we drove together a few days later…
“So, did you miss basketball this year? Did you miss playing?” I asked.
“Sure! I played for a long time. I did miss it some as I watched the games.” He responded.
“So, do you wish you would have played? Do you have any regrets?” (Damn! I didn’t want to ask that. I didn’t want to seed his mind with regret if he didn’t feel it, but he seemed so ok with it. I was curious and perplexed.)
“No, no regrets!” And, he meant it. I could see it in his eyes. He had made the best decision he could with the best data he had at the time. “Who knows?” I think I heard him say, “If I had played, maybe things would have gone differently and not as good for me or them.”
I don’t know if those were the exact words, but that was the sentiment.
He is a very bright man - Wiser than I am with regards to this whole regret thing.
Here I am regretting my role in not having counseled him differently, and he understands and embraces something that I cannot yet… YOU SIMPLY CAN’T GO BACK IN TIME!
Maybe if he had played, he would have spent less time on his essays and college applications.
Maybe Stanford would not have accepted him.
Maybe the ball would have bounced a little differently on that final second win.
Maybe that final shot would not have gone in – through no fault of his own.
Maybe the team would not have won the state championship.
Maybe they would have.
Who knows?
Or better yet, WHO CARES?
I am committed to learning from my life and from my decisions, but there is a fine line between learning from our past and wishing we could change it.
It’s a dangerous and slippery slope…
My son had an extremely successful Senior year. He accomplished all that he hoped to accomplish. He did not get into U. Penn, but he really couldn’t have done much else this past year to make that happen.
Stanford, to my surprise, is an amazing school. “It’s really an inspired place.” My son said on the day we visited. I love that he can tell the difference.
Every decision we make is correlated and codependent. Every moment we live affects all others. Every decision we make affects all others. And, it really becomes impossible to “untangle” one decision from the rest.
Wishing for do overs is naïve and pointless. Once we live a moment…. It is SPENT!
I at times envy my son’s resolve. I envy his confidence in his own path and in his decisions. I know that he certainly has doubts on occasion. I know that his future, while exciting and inviting is also uncertain, and he knows that it’s “up to him”. But, he has a conviction and a peace of mind with the decisions that he has made that is enviable.
He deeply gets that the past is the past – and is able to stay in the now and look forward – and continue to decide along the way.
There is a fine line between learning from our past and wishing we could change it… and he stays so very solidly on the right side of that line.
I am proud of my son for many reasons – and one of the biggest is for his maturity. One of the biggest is for his ability to put on a silly red wig and show up with the rest of the fans and cheer his team on to victory – and participate in the celebration – and feel genuinely great for his ex-teammates and still friends… and not wish for anything different….
He has stamina and focus... tremendous stamina and focus...
He gets home, puts his wig down, and picks up his phone to continue to push on the things that he has devoted his time to… a successful academic year, a successful blue ocean competition, and to make the smartest and best choice that he can about at which fine institution of higher learning he will launch his life…
No regrets…
No wishing…
Just hard work and acting on the present and the WANT…
GO EAGLES!
FEAR THE TREE!
SO PROUD OF MY BOY as he nears his graduation... and a brand new and exciting chapter in his life...
In parental harmony,
Nestor