On being a father…
As a boy,
I never aspired to be a father.
I aspired to be successful in business.
I aspired for material things, (moreso than I should have, in hindsight).
I aspired for a good marriage.
I aspired for independence from my parents.
But, I never aspired to be a father.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be a father,
But it was more of a momentum thing…
It felt like something I should do, would do…
It made sense as a natural progression of things…
But now that I am a father…
I aspire to be a better father,
I read an article years ago in Time magazine that questioned whether parenting was truly a joy, or if we as parents convinced ourselves that it was a joy, because it was the only way to get through it. For a while, I questioned, which of those two perspectives was the truth…
For me, as my three boys grow up and my role as a father evolves, I realize that I will never know a greater joy… and no convincing is required.
I know it sounds sappy…
But it is meaningful and joyful in such a real way…
The greatest lessons I have learned from being a father:
Being a father teaches me unconditional love.
I never truly understood what that meant, until I had children. I loved a lot. But the reality of loving someone completely and independently of whatever they may do, was new to me. I know that I will not agree with everything my boys do. I know that possibly some of the things they do will disappoint me, or I may disappoint them. I can think of many things that could happen to our relationship over time (many wonderful and many not so), but I will never know a moment where I don’t love them. I will never know a moment where I would not die for them without hesitation. I would give them my heart if they needed one. And, knowing that kind of love, allows me to love others... better, more completely and, in some cases, unconditionally.
Being a father allows me to feel real pride.
I am critical by nature. I want to be better. No matter what I accomplish, I know there are greater levels of mastery, success, caring. In judging myself, I tend to fall into the category of nothing is ever enough. While that applies on some level to material things (and I think I have grown out of most of that one), I am speaking more so in terms of effort and accomplishments. But, unconditional love makes it such that my boys are already & ALWAYS enough. They are already all that they need to be for me, so seeing them grow, seeing them stretch, seeing them reach, seeing them fail, seeing them care, seeing them accomplish & enjoy… allows me to feel and know real pride. And, it is a such a satisfying and heart filling emotion.
Being a father makes me accept my limitations.
I respect my boys. I know they are on their way to becoming their own men, their own unique unrepeatable souls. They don’t belong to me. They will live their own lives and make their own decisions. To me, being a father is like being a sculptor and working with organic and live materials that think, transform, evolve, and ultimately will shape themselves... always affected by their initial influence & form. I realize that as parents we have the first and most powerful influence on the design of our children, not just from the genes we give them, but from the example and the love. I also know that they are also so very much shaped by the world around them. And, I hope I have helped them interpret the world around them in a more empathetic, understanding & constructive way. We have a tremendous responsibility and opportunity to affect our children's ultimate design and potential. It’s not what I say, but who I am that influences who they become so very critically. It’s not what I wish for them, but what I fear and what I value that will leave an indelible impression that they will move toward or away from. It will likely be hard to recognize them as they grow, from the initial vision we may have had in our minds for them…
And that is one of the amazing gifts of parenting, I believe. Our children have the potential and the possibility of becoming so much more and greater than we could have ever imagined. We influence them with an initial form, but part of what we hopefully shape into them is confidence in their own ability to grow, transform and become more caring, more powerful, more impactful and more beautiful human beings than they themselves initially imagined.
My ability to influence them, or anyone for that matter, is wonderfully restricted and limited. But, my ability to inspire them to define their own potential is limitless!
Being a father gives my life greater consequence and joy... by sharing my journey with them.
When I succeed, all 5 of us succeed (me, my wife and my boys). When I fail, all 5 of us fail. My actions have a consequence not only on my life, but on the lives of those I love, those I care about… and no one shares the highs and lows of my journey more so than my wife and boys. And, I get to share in their journey intimately while they are young, and from a distance as they grow.
Everything I do has greater consequence, and that makes me more conscious, more deliberate, more aware and more accountable. And, that includes being aware and grateful for my blessings, being mindful of my energy and my mindset, and instilling and embracing in myself the values that I aspire to seed in them as well.
When my boys where little (before they were 3), I remember feeling like I was wasting so much energy because they would never remember the effort, the love, the sleepless nights, the energy my wife and I spent on them. It felt wasteful to me. And now, watching them as they grow into men, I am so certain that those years not only helped shape who they are, and gave them some subconscious certainty of our love for them, but they shaped me and my bond with them as well. I enjoyed those first years so very much. I feel silly for ever having wondered about their efficacy. If nothing else, it taught me how to love them so much better.
It's hard to truly express what being a father means to me in words.
I see my boys growing into men, and I look forward to every conversation and every moment.
I have always engaged them respectfully (or at least tried), and as they grow the role of father - son introduces such amazing elements of brothers and friends. My youngest jokes with me all the time, "We are like brothers" he says to me. I don't know why he keeps repeating it. "I will always be your father first" I tell him, "and it will be like being brothers and it will be like being friends." I think fatherhood can evolve to be all of those things...
They are already smarter than I am in so many ways.
They are my biggest fans, and my wife and I, are theirs.
I am not a religious person, though I try to be a spiritual and faithful one.
The only thing I have ever prayed for, sincerely, is that I could live long enough to set my boys off in a positive direction. That I could live long enough, to leave them propelled by their own momentum. And, I thank God for that blessing. While I don’t think that we are 100% of the way there, I am confident that the bond we share has left an indelible impression on their ultimate design.
I never aspired to be a father as a boy, but boy do I so aspire to be a better father everyday these days.
I want to give my boys gentle pushes as they find their own direction and momentum and drive. I don’t want to pull them. Those days are over. I want to give them gentle pushes here and there. As, I know that soon they will be propelling themselves fully.
I think often about the quote, “You get what you tolerate”. And, I keep coming back to the fact that the quote is insufficient. I am convinced that “You get what you inspire.” And, what we can get as parents can be so much greater than we ever bargained for…
Don’t misunderstand me. Nothing about being a father is “perfect”. My boys know my imperfections better than almost anyone alive, as I know theirs. But, somehow, for whatever reason, they seem to accept me and love me very much as I am, even if some aspects of me causes them to roll their eyes or laugh.
My goal as a father is to seed my boys with the certainty that they are loved unconditionally, and that they are already more than enough… As I am convinced that those are the most powerful seeds of great, impactful and meaningful lives… or at a minimum, a happy & fulfilling one. Knowing that at least one person in the world thinks that you are capable of greatness is the seed we so often need to start believing it in ourselves…
Ironically, as a father, I have three amazing and loving young men that believe in me at times more than I believe in myself… And, their confidence in me, fuels my resolve, my passion and my everyday. Each one of my boys is unique,and my relationship with each one is different in what we share, in what we enjoy together, in how we challenge and inspire each other. Each one of them fuels me in a unique way but very much in the same direction.
I can’t wait to see the lives that they end up sculpting for themselves, and the one that thanks to them, I get to sculpt for myself.
I will continue always to watch them, push them, love them, learn from them, and enjoy them…
I can’t believe I never aspired to be a father…
Happy Father’s Day to the many wonderful, caring and amazing fathers in my life. Thank you for sharing your great example.
And, thank you to my wife and my boys, for making me one… a most grateful one.
Sculpt away ...
Yours in paternal harmony,
Nestor