It has been a life-filled week.
The soccer team kicks off its season today. I've got a great group of boys.
I had a fun golfing round with investors on the shores of Avalon.
I went to see the legend Santana, with my son, thanks to my wife.
I have a group of out of town visitors, a business partner that has been here for days...
And, so, I have spent the last few days in meetings... day long meetings.
I always find myself day-dreaming in day long meetings about how fascinating human dynamics really are. I always walk away from day long meetings with observations that seem to distract my mind for days.
I was leading much of the discussion, but would often lose focus as I responded to emails or worked on some necessary issue.
We would launch on a specific topic, and then the conversation would build into a level of detail about technical granularity or logistical detail that was beyond my focal range and I would drift into an email.
I noticed as the week went on, when this happened, that inevitably the volume would grow.
The conversation became more animated.
People would stop listening to each other.
They became more passionate about the point they were making.
And, I would reengage and listen.
More often than not, when the conversation had built to this point, I was not able to figure out what exactly they were talking about...
So, I would simply ask...
"What question are you trying to answer?"
About half the time, often more, the answer would be...
"Hmmm... I'm not sure anymore."
Or sometimes someone would give me the question they were trying to answer. Then I would probe, and it was often the case that others in the conversation where not trying to answer THAT question, or didn't realize that was the question on the table.
I find this fascinating.
We start a conversation to resolve something, and then our ego somewhere along the line takes over, or we simply lose focus and become distracted by a thought that feels worth sharing...
Then that thought creates another thought and response in someone else, and we are off to a heated debate, discussion about who-knows-what.
I work with Engineers, Architects and alot of very smart technical people that are trained to value the detail. So, there is a gravity toward the detail.
I find myself in these meetings constantly flying an invisible plane. Trying to keep the conversation at a high enough level that we can accomplish the task at hand, and redefine the processes that need to be redefined, while having enough of an idea where the mountains and issues are on the ground that we won't put our journey in danger.
It fascinates me how many people try to fly planes with the wheels always on the ground. While others want to fly so high, that you have no idea where, if anywhere, you can land the conversation.
On most successful flights, you need to be able to see some level of the detail - see the ground to know where you are going. But, if you are looking too closely at the ground, you are probably making little progress and will get lost on obstacles that are easy to clear once your wheels are up ;-)
I find amusing and amazing that our voices are raised, our passion is highest, we listen the least ... when we lose sight of the question we are trying to answer.
It's like everyone is burning gas faster and hotter because we don't know exactly where to steer, so we try to drive faster and harder through the conversation.
WHEN THE QUESTION IS UNCLEAR OR FORGOTTEN, It's not our rationale but our volume and passion that "wins" the argument. But, what the hell does "winning" even mean at that point.
I love how much we care about our point of view, when the only context is trying to prove to others that we are right. At that point, we are taking our point of view personally.
When we are clear on the question...
When we can articulate the question...
We tend to stay more rational. We are more willing to consider and frame up the possible answers.
WHEN WE KNOW THE QUESTION CLEARLY - WE ARE MORE FOCUSED ON VETTING THE POSSIBLE ANSWERS.
WHEN WE STOP KNOWING WHAT THE QUESTION IS - WE ARE MORE FOCUSED ON WINNING THE DEBATE THROUGH VOLUME AND PASSION.
While this is not 100% always the case - it is very true.
So, think about this... How clear are you on the questions that you are asking yourself in "conversations" that you are having with yourself? With doubts you are having about yourself? About decisions you want to make with your own life?
Or - on the other end of the spectrum... How clear is your organization, your team, your department on the QUESTION that will impact your strategy, your business, your short term or long term direction?
HOW CLEAR ARE YOU OR THOSE YOU WORK WITH OR LIVE WITH ON THE QUESTION THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO ANSWER?
I love the quote by Julio Olalla, "Wisdom is a love affair with questions! Knowledge is a love affair with answers."
But, WISDOM doesn't work so well, if not everyone, or if YOU are not clear on WHAT THE SPECIFIC QUESTION IS...
Breathe deep, and re ask yourself the question... the hard questions.... the specific questions...
And, stay in the conversation mindful of it.
And, if you hear the noise level rise... if you feel your heart pounding harder... if you feel anxious or stressed...
STOP! And ask...
"WHAT QUESTION AM I TRYING TO ANSWER?" And, make sure everyone in the room is trying to answer the same one as you... Sometimes, figuring out the question is so much more important than finding an actual answer. "The questions alone... they guide you."
Go ahead... ask me... I dare you ;-)
Yours in harmony,
Nestor