The word “LOVE” is overused.
Kind of like the word “HAPPY”.
But, that doesn’t make their true definition,
Nor our desire for both of those things any less real nor intense.
How many seriously & deeply happy, married couples do you know? The divorce rate plus the number of less than truly happy marriages, I would argue, suggest that while we use the words "happy" and "love" so very often, we too often fail to succeed at them.
And, I believe the concept of love applies far beyond our spouse, or our boyfriend or girlfriend - to so many of our relationships.
I believe it applies most intensely to romantic relationships, but extremely relevantly to all relationships that involve two human beings…
Which I would argue are most ;-)
While the word may be overused, the differences in what it can mean and should mean are so very important to long term relationship success.
I want to live a life with “love”, “in love” and “loving”.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the difference between those three things, specially as they apply to marriage.
To LOVE someone ;
Is to respect them,
To appreciate them,
To care for them and their well-being.
That is the platform that long term relationships survive on. Mutual respect and appreciation are the base emotion that give our relationships value. To me, respect and appreciation are the base of the pyramid. To LOVE someone it is often necessary to share values with that person.
LOVE has momentum.
To be “IN LOVE” with someone;
Is to be engaged with them,
To share with them,
To LIKE them... (Don't take this one for granted).
To desire them.
To be in love, is to find and share JOY with someone in a way that makes you want to be with them. This is a dynamic that I find requires deliberate effort. You need to make each other a priority. You have to find the things that you both enjoy – and make time for them. And, it has a limited life span. To be “in love” requires deliberate and frequent engagement… To stay “in love” over time requires a mutual & deliberate effort.
BEING IN LOVE IS BEING MUTUALLY ENGAGED IN A SINGULAR and JOYFUL DIRECTION.
IN LOVE is IN JOY… in shared and wanting joy.
To be “LOVING” to someone,
Is to consider them.
To put them first.
To act with their want in mind,
And to DO and BE for them.
To be LOVING, is to put LOVE into action. To be loving is to ACT with and on LOVE.
To be loving feeds LOVE and each other. “Loving” comes to life in very subtle ways… in our tone, in our touch, in our demeanor, in our actions, in our decisions.
LOVING brings LOVE to action… in the moment.
When you are “In Love” being loving is easy, it comes naturally, because it feeds joy.
As our worlds and our schedules fill,
Our work evolves and requires more of us,
Our children demand more of us,
Our interests change…
We start to get tired, and we stop acting LOVE in the moment. We stop being as considerate. We start spending less time together. We are loving to our children, and while very important, that is not the same as being loving to each other.
Less and less time together slowly and occasionally drifts us off into separate dreams, separate goals, and individual joy in the place of shared joy.
And, so often, I find long time married couples, struggling with minimally loving relationships and the concept of “in love” a distant memory… the thing holding many long term couples together is a base of love and the momentum that it brings.
And, when that is all that is left, sometimes respect and appreciation start to fade.
LOVE requires action.
I remember the line from Stephen Covey’s book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. A man comes up to him and tells him, “I don’t love my wife anymore, what should I do?” So Stephen responds, “LOVE her”. And the guy responds, “but that is my problem, I don’t”. And he responds, than “DO”.
His message being that LOVE is a VERB and requires action.
It was a powerful concept the first time I read it, but I think simply saying LOVE is a VERB is hard for many people to comprehend and act on.
The concept of LOVE, versus IN LOVE, versus LOVING,
For me at least,
Gives me greater clarity as to how LOVE can deliberately be strengthened and acted on.
It requires deliberate effort.
And, ultimately, it should not be a “hard” thing.
Life is short.
The older we get, the more we realize it.
Are you “in LOVE” together…?
Are you “in JOY” together?
What is your “shared dream” that keeps you?
How do you remember to ACT love and be loving?
Because every personality is unique, so is every relationship...there is no single formula for LOVE, nor happiness.
Have no tolerance for disrespect, and remind each other to be grateful…
I don't care if the WORD "LOVE" is overused.
LOVE, as Ayn Rand says… when it comes from the mind and the heart,
Is the greatest gift in man’s existence.
To LOVE is to share VALUES,
To be IN LOVE is to share JOY,
And, to be LOVING is to share MOMENTS putting the other person's wishes ahead of our own.
Life is short…
LOVE deliberately & LOVE well!
Yours in harmony!
Nestor