I am stuck on this concept...
How much of my happiness,
of my success,
of my peace of mind,
of my sense of worthiness...
comes from inside of me,
and how much comes from the outside?
Where do I look for it?
Where do I expect to find it?
The more that time passes, the more that I read, the more that I learn...
I know the answer - more and more clearly.
We must ultimately find our strength, from within ourselves...
And, it's still far from easy.
This is where those friends I love, who believe differently, tell me that I am missing faith.
That strength must come from my love of God.
Perhaps, in time, I will stop looking to find it within myself and look back out toward a higher being.
It's not that I don't believe in a higher power. It's more that I still believe that the higher power, leaves our journey in our own hands.
What happens when you look inside, look internally at yourself,
and still question your worth?
Rationally, I see my value. I know my intent. I keep raising my bar and my efforts, and to some level my results.
Emotionally, I keep looking around within my self and finding not enough.
I then go to external sources... but not to the ones I used to go to.
I don't think about nor long for wealth, nor material things nearly as much as I once did.
I think about people... wonderful people who SEE in me, that man that I so long to see...
That value and sense of worth, that I so long to own.
I find it in my wife, in my sons, in my friends, and in my colleagues... in some of them, and their words are like spinach to Popeye. They fill me with strength and confidence.
I don't know what it is about me, that makes me struggle with this concept so.
My bar is high... for the worthiness I seek.
I see the value that I bring, and I appreciate it and am grateful for it.
And, I see all that I don't bring, and that is the reality that weighs me down at times.
As, I have written before, why can't I own both... my worthiness AND my deficiencies, my opportunities?
Why do I own, or believe to own, so easily my imperfections, and yet struggle to own my strengths?
Wish I had a better understanding of that...
I know I am making progress and finding greater harmony day over day,
And, I know the journey is far from over.
I smile about the day when I will finally feel like I fully deserve my seat at the table of life....
Because, I am convinced that I will be able to serve up a feast of love and joy to those who remain with me at the table... that was worth never giving up on me.
I am grateful for so many people and so many blessings.
Living is learning.
Living is growing.
Living is improving.
Living is loving.
Your words of affirmation are so often my spinach ;-)
What is your spinach?
How much of it are you growing in your own garden?
Can you hear the music playing in the background when you eat some,
and feel your muscles grow big...?
Still learning to grow Spinach in my own garden... and,
In harmony,
Nestor