"You are my son,
whom I love,
And, with you, I am well pleased." Mark 1:11
Several of you sent me some very nice notes yesterday.
My wife this morning told me that yesterday's post made her sad...
"How can you hear so many people tell you are worthy, and still choose not to believe it?"
I love her for engaging me in the conversation and in the thought process.
A few things to make sure we clear up:
1. I don't blame my father or anyone for that matter for where my head is... or can go at times.
2. I am blessed. I hear so very often from so many people that I love, from so many of you, how much you value me and love me.
3. I have never been happier... I am more aware of my blessings and more grateful than I have ever been...
4. And, there is still something in me that struggles... and part of the reason I write.... is to explore... and to find a better answer... and to find a clearer path...
I feel worthy in many moments... and I don't in many others.
ADDING VALUE IN THE MOMENT
and
BEING WORTHY
are indeed two different things... and perhaps I too often confuse them.
A few thoughts circle my mind as we have this conversation...
1. SELFISHNESS & EGO-CENTRICITY
Maybe I am simply too selfish and egocentric, and I am trying to solve this search for harmony with me at the center of it. Maybe until I don't see myself as the center of it, but one of many in it, I will find deeper peace. Maybe in order to find deeper peace, the core of my worth is not me... the CORE of my worth is those I love and those around me. What if "MY" worth... is actually YOU and YOUR LOVE? That feels interesting and powerful.
Those who truly have faith - not just the kind of faith some use for self-righteousness - but the kind where you are committed to goodness, to empathy, and to love through the believe in a higher power... Their worth is in their devotion to God.
Maybe my struggle is trying to solve this equation with me as the key variable, instead of those I love as the key variable.
Could my worth simply be my love & my passion for others?
2. MOMENTS VS VALUES: TRANSACTIONAL VS PERMANENCE
I feel worthy in moments... and not in others. But that might come from a lack of overall gratitude. Is there a worthiness that transcends time? Working to find harmony in every moment should be different than feeling worthy...
MAYBE moments are "transactional" but HARMONY is NOT?
If my worth is my LOVE... it doesn't get transacted in every moment, maybe it simply gets APPLIED in every moment.
Maybe I've confused the awareness for HARMONY... with the awareness of WORTHINESS...?
We ACT, DECIDE and CAN AFFECT OUR LIVES in the moment... but we EXIST through moments over time... in people's minds and hearts...
VALUES aren't MOMENTARY...
WORTH is not MOMENTARY...
They transcend moments... they are APPLIED in moments... maybe TESTED or VERIFIED in the moment, but not defined by the moment.
MOMENTS are TRANSACTIONAL...
VALUES and WORTH IS BUILT OVER TIME... ACROSS MOMENTS...
3. ABSOLUTE TRUTH VS GRATITUDE
This one is tough. In order to achieve harmony, we need to understand and play off the ABSOLUTE TRUTH... and the TRUTH includes that which we are and that which we are not. For example, in order to become better at something, I need to understand my competence and the areas where I am not competent so that I can improve and build upon my strengths into that space of opportunity.
But WORTH and HAPPINESS and PEACE comes from gratitude.
MAYBE MY DEFINITION OF HARMONY IS WRONG...
Maybe you have to start from GRATITUDE ... FROM TRUTH... but the truth of ALL THAT WE ARE...
And, FROM THAT TRUTH ALONE!
And, then SEE OUR DEFICIENCY NOT AS PART of our "IS", NOT as part of our TRUTH - BUT AS THE OPPORTUNITY, THE SPACE, FOR OUR WANT... FOR OUR NEXT STEP!
I HAVE BEEN DEFINING ALL THAT IS DEFICIENT IN ME AS PART OF ME... AS A MISSING PART OF MY TRUTH...
AS WHAT IS MISSING IN ME... IN EVERY MOMENT...
And, it takes alot out of my moments... and away from my happiness... and makes me question my worth.
There is something becoming very clear to me about the concept of harmony...
To find success and happiness, the NUCLEUS of every moment is different from the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of the situation...
The nucleus is and must be the IS... NOT the IS NOT!
And, there is an IS in every person... in every soul... that is the NUCLEUS of us as people.
Not everything happens in the moment.
Who we are...
Who we love...
Why we are...
Why we live...
Those things transcend moments to create an overarching harmony...
And those things allow us to show up and add value and apply ourselves to moments...
And, BE in moments...
We are defined by the aggregate of our moments and the collection of our actions,
very rarely, if ever, by a single moment...
Each moment is an opportunity for harmony... I still believe that...
But our IS...
WHO WE ARE...
WHO I AM...
Doesn't change moment to moment.
WHY I AM...
My WORTH...
Doesn't change moment to moment.
We are ALL WORTHY... inherently...
We are all someone whom deserves to know we are loved...
We all deserve to feel well pleased with our existence.
And, I will work on owning that more deeply across moments...
I hate the idea of being "NEEDY"...
I don't want to feel like I need to be reminded of being "worthy"...
It feels selfish...
it feels wrong...
It does always feel good to hear someone acknowledge you...
It's human...
But there is a difference between appreciating it and needing it.
I like the idea that...
my worth
is my love...
my worth
is those whom I love...
those for whom I live...
Let me go digest that for awhile...
with all of you in my mind,
in my heart,
and in harmony
;-)
Nestor
.