My father is lonely…
He is lonely because he is selfish and he is ungrateful…
And, I love him.
He has always been my professor of harmony. Unfortunately, almost all of his lessons have been by showing me what not to do.
He is 88 years old, and I just flew to Peru for a day to celebrate with him. He was grateful and lovely with me. He is gracious with me in a way that he has never been before. And, I am grateful for him. Slowly through the years… he has found peace with me, to the extent that he has found peace with anything or anyone.
He is lonely because the world revolves completely around him. He sizes everything up, measures everything, evaluates everything with respect to how it brings value to him.
He is lovely with my mother, because he loves her. And, importantly, because she now loves him back. In her medicated state, she is grateful for his presence.
When you see yourself as the center of the universe, but have no purpose, you are a dark star.
When you see yourself as one of many stars in the heavens, you are grateful to help light up the sky for others.
I get now, fully, that my father and I are related, but independent people. That took me awhile to fully embrace. His darkness only occasionally now dims my light.
I haven’t given up on him, becauseI never give up. But, I also realize that the odds of him changing his mindset is a low probability.
I told him he is 88, independent, driving, going to movies, going out to dinner, watching sunsets, making his own decisions and living his own life. I reminded him, in as loving a tone as I could that his alternatives right now are to be dead, or to be in a nursing home…
I saw a quote the other day that said… “Be grateful for old age. Many people never get that privilege.”
I can only imagine what life looks like from the other side of 88…
But, I hope to have the privilege and the great fortune to some day find out…
My father, with his darkness, fuels my light… he has always shown me the consequence of darkness. I want peace for him, so very much… and, unfortunately, he must find that himself.
I will learn from him, and until my last breath…
As I grow older, I will do all that I can to shine, and will measure myself and my worth by the light that I am able to harness and bring to those I know & care about…
Because I know that it will help me stay young, motivated, focused, purposeful, grateful,
And, in harmony…
Nestor