So often I feel guilty...
Especially on vacations.
It has been so my whole adult life.
A voice inside of me says, "you haven't earned this... There is more to be done..."
It feels like so often vacations happen "at the worst possible times."
These days you stay connected through email and phone, which at times I wish wasn't quite so easy...
but, still - there has typically been an unsettledness in me - much more pronounced since I became a senior person in the company (the past 16 or so years).
When people say "go... Get your mind off of things... You've EARNED it." I feel like everyone's earned it and not everyone takes it.
It doesn't make me feel better.
If people tell me simply "don't feel guilty"... I tend to still do.
This camping trip has been different... On some level.
There have been moments of guilt... But many more moments of chill...
I don't know if so many things that I have read are starting to take root in my brain and in the way I think...
I don't know if as I get older, I am slowly becoming more grateful for these moments... More aware of how quickly they will change...
But something feels different...
I am allowing myself to breathe a little deeper...
not because I've earned it, but more simply because I am here NOW and it's happening...
lingering by the fire with my boys...
even in nonsensical conversation...
or in the rare silence...
sitting by the ocean as the sun rises,
feeling the water and the waves,
laying in our tent holding my son's hands...
just breathing...
feels different.
I know the world is spinning and much remains to be done at work...
It will all still be there for me, when this moment is done... And this moment won't be here any longer.
And, importantly, there are so many caring and competent colleagues that carry the ball when I am out. So grateful for them.
How arrogant of me to think that I am that uniquely valuable? (This one thought strikes deeply)...
I know I could have done more and better before I left... That is ALWAYS the case...
I know this week won't happen again... And if we do come back next year... It will be a new now... A different breath.
Last night, on our last night, my son and I went for a midnight dip in the ocean.
I went skinny dipping...
Just cause...
The water was unusually warm,
the currents had shifted and where coming from the south.
The wildest thing happened, there were some type of luminescent spots in the water and they seem to hover around us...
they were like underwater lightning bugs...
so very cool...
we splashed and laughed...
the sky was amazing...
I don't believe that I've ever seen more stars than I have these past few nights...
Literally, hundreds and hundreds of stars...
In the darkness, the light of the stars shines bright...
I couldn't help but linger on the thought...
the longer I looked at the stars... The more that I saw...
I love that ... And there is a powerful lesson and truth there...
The more we look, the more we focus... The more we see. It's all sitting there right in front of us...
love
success
meaning
stars
peace
harmony...
I just have to hold my gaze...
clear my mind of the noise and nonsense
and admire the vastness, the richness and the beauty...
of
all
that
is
already
there...
grateful
for
this
very
breath...
and this unforgettable week...
in harmony,
Nestor