Is WHAT We Do, WHO We Are?

I was talking to a dear friend a few days ago about raising teenagers...

I found myself passionately making the case to separate, "What the kids do from who they are..."

He looked at me, confused and frustrated,

"Isn't WHAT we DO...

WHO we ARE?"

The question caused me pause.

"Yes and No" was my immediate response, but that satisfied neither of us.

I couldn't stop thinking about the question.

"Is what we do, who we are?"

I first went to - Is who we are WHAT we do, or WHY we do it?

Again, the immediate answer in my mind was "Yes and No".  Again, that was not satisfying.

So, after some additional thought... Here is what I believe to be TRUE...

WHO we are is defined by ALL that we DO and WHY we do it!

That is a definite YES!

So, what's important, in my opinion, when talking to teenagers that are pushing boundaries, and ADULTS pushing boundaries, is NOT to define people by only the things you wish they hadn't done.... but by ALL that they ARE.

I know it may be a mouthful, but human beings can be complex creatures.

I do know that when someone defines me, only by my failings, I don't respond to that person.  I don't trust that person.  I don't follow that person.  When someone can only see one side of me (even if its only the positive side), I know they don't know ALL of me, and thus their counsel or their criticism will be biased.  And, I go on, trying to sort myself out... on my own.

When someone SEES all of me... When someone dares to define me by the breadth of me... the complexity of me... the reality of me... I am all ears.

It is normal, I believe, to be disappointed by our children, as it is to be disappointed by our peers, or even ourselves.

But, harmony is about moving the IS toward the WANT... and in order to do that you have to ACCEPT ALL OF THE "IS" of the situation, or in this case, of the PERSON.

With children it is harder, because we feel both responsible for who they are becoming, as well as guilty in some way (that we don't always acknowledge consciously) that we have made them into who they are...

It is difficult, sometimes, to be rational and balanced in our feedback to our children because in some strange way... WHAT THEY DO, we believe, DEFINE IN SOME WAY WHO WE ARE?  And, that is scary...

Ultimately, I believe that we have tremendous influence on our children.  Who they are, I ultimately believe, overlaps with who we are.  And, they are unique individuals.  And, the overlap is sometimes more, sometimes less pronounced.

But - GET THIS - how MUCH who we are overlaps who they are... I believe is absolutely a function of how well we SEE THEM, and ACKNOWLEDGE THEM for ALL that they are.

I remember being a teenager.  I remember the thought "My dad has no idea of who I am".  And, I remember, very much, choosing not to care what he thought as a result of it.  I tried to be respectful, but I was in the process of DEFINING myself, DEFINING my life.. or so I thought.  I was more STARTING to FIGURE OUT who I was.

Had my father engaged me in my journey... Had my father lingered on difficult questions... Had my father voiced his BELIEF in me... It would have been a very different relationship, but my father's lack of skill, or tolerance, or generosity made me disengage with him. And, I have felt this dynamic happen with others throughout my life... 

I do believe as much as we try to "disengage" our parents, we are designed as human beings to seek their approval, to make them proud in some way... to satisfy them.  So, disengaging your parents is seldom a great long term solution, and it doesn't happen without pain, remorse and time to heal all of that.

But, back to my long explanation...

All that we DO is WHO we ARE... and if we can objectively acknowledge ALL that our children do, or our employees do, or our spouses do... we get to see most of the picture.  If we engage in conversations in addition of WHY they do it... we get close to the whole picture.

And, when we acknowledge all of it - we get to influence some of it... We keep the POSSIBILITY of being heard.... of being TRUSTED...

We don't need to know exactly what our children are going through.  That is part of the reality that we have to accept.  They are unique human beings, becoming adults at a different time, with a different set of dynamics.  There are similarities certainly, and we have to acknowledge those as we acknowledge the differences.

Ultimately, I believe it's about RESPONSIBLE LOVE.  We can't let our children do whatever they want.  It's our responsibility to keep them from harm (in all of its forms), as much as we possibly can.  And, it's their responsibility to struggle through defining themselves, push on the boundaries that feel appropriate to push, and define their own unique beings.

In the process of growing up, you see teenagers wonder, explore, push, get pierced, or get ripped, or go goth, or get wacky haircuts, or wear funny clothes, or make friends that you question...   And, some of those explorations are scary... and dangerous.  And, as parents we worry about whether one of those explorations could have them slip into a life that they would regret.  That is a very normal parenting concern or fear...

I believe that along with that fear, must come a certainty... a certainty that they WANT from us, whether or not they realize it...  

Our children want to know they are WORTHY, as all human beings do...

And our parents, the greatest gift that we can give our children is to ASSURE THEM of their WORTH... That WHO they are IS WORTHY... and GOOD... and POWERFUL.

Ultimately, all their explorations, exploits, and mischievousness is about finding their WORTH and exploring life's WORTH.

What they DO, is WHO they are... IN PART... But, as a parent, look, speak, celebrate, ALL that they do... because there is SO MUCH good there that we often fail to acknowledge.  And, it's FANNING the flames of GOOD... the LITTLE wins... the demonstrations of RESPECT, of CONCERN, of RIGHT... along with speaking clearly to the boundaries of WRONG and RISK and MORALITY that we take the journey of parenting.

I don't claim to be a great parent, nor a good one.  I simply want to be a loving one... a responsible one... and do my best at helping my children DEFINE who they are for themselves... My goal is certainly to keep them safe, while realizing that as they grow up, we SHARE that responsibility, and ultimately... they OWN IT.

I can no longer keep my son's safe without their actions contributing to it.

As parents, we want to control and own their safety much longer than is realistic.

And, it is hard to accept that they can make decisions that will cause them pain and harm... in the most permanent of ways.  We understand that in a way that they can't... and, its our difficult job to help them see that... And, we can only do that, by staying in the conversation with them, as hard as that may be.

Importantly... WHAT we DO defines part of WHO we are... but does not DEFINE what we will always do or who we will always be.

What we DO, defines part of who we are IN THAT MOMENT....

But, we can grow, we can evolve, we can correct and modify our behaviors... Our behaviors in the vast majority of cases are PASSING PHASES of who we are...

WHO WE ARE is WHAT WE VALUE... And, that can also evolve.

As parents, we need to believe in the very core of who our children are... we need to SEE THEM, not just in their momentary actions... we need to SEE THEM as the amazing human beings that they are CAPABLE OF BEING...

IT's our CERTAINTY in that vision of them, that give them the CONFIDENCE to reach for it.

Don't make the mistake of trying to ENVISION exactly WHO they are going to be come... Don't try to paint them into being a doctor, or a lawyer, or run the family business, or "follow in daddy's footsteps" as hard as that may be... 

ENVISION them as happy, successful, contributing, spiritual, joyful human beings... and help them find their journey to that certainty... while giving them room to explore... while trying to keep them from harm... while accepting them as unique individuals... while accepting that their will likely be some overlap... while not fully understanding the dynamics that they are growing up in... while knowing that their are still many similarities... while controlling your fears... while keeping your ego in check... while trying at the same time to figure out who you are...

What we do defines who we are... in part.

And what we do does not define what we will always do... especially when we are teenagers...

I am better than the young man that I was...

I am better than the man that I have been...

I am evolving as a man and as a human being, and its people who SEE me for all of my failings, as well as all of my strengths that I am drawn to...

It's people who believe in the VISION of me that I dream of being that I listen to...

And, I make the assumption that my children are no different.

Parenting gets harder and harder as the kids get older and older... because our range of control becomes less and less.

I remember when the kids learned to walk... I thought that was the most dangerous time of all.  They could walk, and they could very easily walk into traffic or walk off a cliff or walk into a tiger's cage... and they didn't know the difference.  It was my responsibility to prevent that from happening... and I controlled almost all of it.

Now, I realize, that was not the most dangerous time, or at least it was equally dangerous to when they start to drive... They can drive, and they can very easily drive themselves into a tree, into oncoming traffic, onto friends that push them down slippery roads of temptation... and they don't always know the difference.  It is our responsibility to prevent that from happening... and I control much of it... and the difference now, is that their ability to participate, and engage in the rationality of that is very different... and their desire to OWN their own journey is different.

SEE your children for ALL that they are.

BELIEVE iN THEIR WORTHINESS with ALL THAT YOU ARE.

ACCEPT that what they do will not define you.

AND be humble, be caring, be patient, be strong, be vulnerable, be firm, be loving... as you navigate the most important, difficult, and exciting adventure of your life...

What I do is who I am...

And, I observe, think about, analyze ALL that I do,

So that I can IMPROVE UPON IT, and EVOLVE SLOWLY but steadily it into THE MAN I WANT TO BECOME...

And, 49 years in, I am still both being and evolving.... 

I envision being

A man worthy of love...

working to come to terms with why I exist,

attempting to be worthy of the time that I have been gifted here on earth...

And, I make the assumption my sons are on a very similar journey, unique to them... I have just been reflecting for longer...

In harmony,

Nestor