Today is my son's 17th birthday...
I have a few conversations in mind, but want to focus my mind on him, and on fatherhood.
I believe the greatest gift that we can give our children is to
1. SEE THEM for who they uniquely are... not for who we want them to be.
2. RESPECT THEM enough to give them the space to learn their own lessons, in their own way, at their own pace (and that doesn't mean we can't be providing our thoughts and guidance aggressively along the way ;-)
3. BELIEVE WITH CERTAINTY THAT THEY WILL ACHIEVE a MEANINGFUL and JOYFUL JOURNEY - because I think children look to their parents for assurance, for guidance, for HOPE that it can all make sense... and possibly will.
And, do all that we possibly can to keep them SAFE, while allowing them the room to grow and find their own way.
I know all too well that accidents happen, and beautiful souls can be taken too quickly...
4. DO WHAT YOU CAN TO KEEP THEM FROM HARM WHEN THEY ARE SMALL, BUT ACCEPT THAT NOTHING WE DO CAN EVER ELIMINATE THE RISKS OF LIFE AS THEY GROW - I know that trying to protect our children from too much risk only slows the learning process and the natural drive of human beings.
Truth is, life includes risk, and tragedies do happen. And, that should not stop us from growing up, from experiencing it, and from living it as best as we know how.
Maybe more simply... All that we ultimately have to do is ACCEPT that our children are not OURS... THEY are THEIR OWN... What we want more than anything else, to be real, aunthentic, unique... to set our own path... is ultimately what they want as well. So, as parents, maybe the most important and valuable thing is to simply ACCEPT THAT... and to believe in their ability to make define that for themselves.
Maybe at the end of the day, that is why parenting is so very hard, because we fight like hell accepting that, because we love them so much we want to help... and resisting our help can create confusion... KNOWING the certainty of our LOVE for them without condition is, I am convinced, the greatest thing we can do for them...
Because they then leverage our love, to love themselves, and wonderful things start to happen...
The last line in my letter to my son today was....
Be safe... May the spark in your eyes create a fire in your heart, and know my love will always be there to fan your flames...
I do so love being a Dad... What an amazing gift... and the ironic thing is that the "certainty of love", that I may have not have clearly felt as a child from my parents, I have certainly felt from my children as their father...
In Birthday harmony ;-)
Nestor