Years ago, I would have argued to the death, that I was not only, NOT a perfectionist, but that I didn't have a perfectionist cell in my body.
A few days ago, a dear friend sent me an article from the Harvard Business Review, "How to Mentor A Perfectionist" by Brad Johnson and David G. Smith, in response to some of the recent conversation. He is a wise friend. Some call him a Sage ;-)
HBR publishes some great stuff, and this bud is a wise and kindred spirit.. So, I thought I'd give it a read.
The first picture was that of blueberries and blackberries lined up on a white background... those who know me know that is an inside joke and made me laugh. I feel like blackberries are undervalued, under represented in the market... blue berries are like the "Merlot" of berries ;-)
Anyway, I started reading,
"The erroneous notion of “good perfectionism” is so widespread that many people
struggle to distinguish toxic perfectionism from positive characteristics such as
desiring achievement, striving for excellence, and setting high personal performance
standards."
hmmm... I thought. So , I read on,
"Perfectionism and the desire to excel are not different locations on the same continuum; they are entirely different constructs. The notion of good perfectionism turns out to be a hopeless oxymoron. If perfectionists are successful at work, it is in spite of their perfectionism, not because of it."
I always say that I am committed to being a better version of myself, but in my mind, am I really shooting for better day over day, or am I criticizing myself CONSTANTLY for not having been better yesterday, or already?
"The science on perfectionismas a personality syndrome reveals that perfectionism
consists of two discrete elements. First, perfectionists set impossibly high — and
clearly unattainable — standards for their own performance. Second, perfectionists
are relentless in severely criticizing themselves for failing to achieve those
performance hurdles."
Ok, now I disagree! I don't think my standards are "impossibly high or clearly unattainable" - I have friends who are living examples that all of the goals that I set for myself are VERY achievable... but that second part... "relentless in severely criticizing themselves"... GUILTY!
And, I have to be able to see all of me in the mirror... when I look in the mirror in the morning, I need to see the part of me that is now CEO of a company that is on an 8 year growth run, expanding our strategy and slowly creating a healthier and healthier organization and culture. I need to see that in the mirror, as I look at all the things that I have not been able to resolve or materially improve upon yet.
"Ultimately, perfectionists are afraid of failure, worry about the
possibility of mistakes, are motivated by a strong sense of duty and obligation (rather
than enthusiasm or healthy challenge), and are preoccupied with the possibility that
others will disapprove of them."
I say that I am not afraid of much except "wasting time", but when you think about it, the key way I would waste time is by making mistakes, taking a step backward... I don't mind making mistakes, but I don't want them to slow me down or set me back... that is not very realistic.
"A perfectionist is a tough person to mentor or coach. The most productive and
meaningful relationships are characterized by transparency, reciprocity, openness,
and trust. Yet a perfectionist never lets a mentor discern areas for growth and
development. Not even relative weaknesses are shared. And so a perfectionist’s
desperate need to appear flawless may sabotage the value of mentoring or coaching."
Ok - I am, or try to be, transparent and open. And, I believe that I truly and sincerely am. But, I am because I keep my ego locked in a small container inside my soul... Kind of like Voldemort after he gets his butt kicked by Harry early on... I have an ego, and it is alive and well, but it is delicate... so I keep it protected. While I am open and transparent - I don't give many people the key to my vulnerability... in fact, I am not sure anyone really has it yet. And, I am working on that. It makes me defensive at times when I should be everything but defensive, and it makes me sometimes distant with those I love and cherish most.
So, the article goes on to speak to how to "mentor" a perfectionist.
"Check your own perfectionist in at the door." Awareness is the first step ;-)
"Firmly but kindly identify perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors in your mentee." Need to do more of that...
"Focus your mentoring on affirmation, validation, encouragement, and support." - I need to see & acknowledge all of me in the mirror.
"Use humor often but thoughtfully." Done!
"Push your mentee to be open to the very thing a perfectionist fears the most: imperfection."... Woooorrrrrkkkiiinnng ooonnnn thhhhhaaaatttt onnnneeeeeee!
As, I read through the article - I realized in our company we have perfectionists, and we have some who expect perfectionism in the people around them... the people who don't necessarily espouse these believes but project the expectation on others...
Both the perfectionist, and the individual that expects perfection in their peers, are both very hard to coach. I would prefer to coach the perfectionist all they long... they suffer from an "uber" and perhaps irrational accountability, whereas the person that expects perfection from others often lacks accountability in themselves.
But, back to yours truly...
I am a perfectionist... the fact that I don't care about many details is irrelevant... I care about details in other areas. You don't have to be a perfectionist in every area of your life... just one or a couple... to not only suffer the consequences but have those around you have to suffer with you.
Awareness is the first step...
I don't want to be a perfectionist... I don't like it in other people, so I know I don't like it in myself...
Even if perhaps what i seek perfection is in harmony...
Harmony in and of itself IS what IS... and perfect simply ISN'T real.
I wonder what else I may be, that I never thought I was...
maybe I am really a tall, good looking dude with a full head of hair and ripped abs... (Oh no, that's my buddy Pete) ;-)
Nope... I'm just me...
a bald, strong, lovable, complicated mess of a man... making the very best choices that he can every day, trying to add value to the world around him...
trying to live in perfect harmony!
Scratch that... simply,
in harmony,
Nestor