I was sitting around the table on Friday night... we were at a fun new restaurant with all 5 family members. My son had surprised with a visit home from college. I was happy... joyful... FULL before the meal had even been ordered... Full in the best of ways...
And, my mind drifted...
My whole life I have faulted my father for so many things...
Possibly above all others, I have faulted him for being stingy.
I make note that we didn't go out to dinner much with our family... Heck, we never went out to dinner at a restaurant. My father felt like why would I ever go out when I can eat better at home. Countless memories in my mind about money - about not having enough.
But, most importantly than not having enough - what I remember most is that we were afraid of not having money, and we never talked about how we could make more... Money was just not something we had a plan for...
I am trying to change that in my life...
But, anyway... there I am at dinner...
I felt grateful that we were all together. I felt grateful that I am at a point in my life, where taking the family out for special meal feels well within my means...
And, I thought about my father, and somehow I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't mad at him for not taking me out to dinner more often...
I was sad... deeply sad for him.
Imagine, I thought to myself, imagine never having this joy, never feeling the confidence of professional success, never feeling like you are financially stable and capable...
Imagine, always living in fear of not having enough...
That has been my father's life...
He has never known the joy of being around a table with his family - simply excited about the possibility of affording a special moment and memory and a delicious meal - without the weight of whether or not I can really afford it weighing on my mind...
Empathy is a funny thing...
I inherited my fear of not being able to make enough money from my father, and my financial reality has become fairly different from his. I am not saying I have made it, nor am I saying he never did...
I am just saying... I am confident in my ability to earn a great life, and I am able to enjoy creating experiences for my family fully...
I guess that is what my father feels when he sends my boys chocolates, or when he buys me special fruit when I come to visit.
We all seek and find joy and contentment where we can...
I just have a new appreciation for my father. I am no longer mad in any way for anything he did or didn't do...
I want to help him know joy, and I want him to feel perhaps a little bit of peace that between him and his son, we can afford a heck of a lot of joy...
And, that there is no need for fear...
Not because we have all the money we will ever need,
but because his son gets that fear is pointless,
and, I don't want to pass it down another generation...
Let's pass down possibility, confidence...
We had a special night... together the 5 of us...
I talked to my father on the phone the next morning, and I could hear his smile over the phone as I described dinner...
I am grateful that we are still both growing up.
in harmony,
Nestor