Silver linings...
Trust me... you want to read this one all the way through.
One of the beautiful things that has come about from my father's passing is that there is greater peace and harmony in my family...
Let me explain...
My mother and father, until recent years, harbored a LOT of disharmony. There was a TON of wishing by both of them that each other would behave, would be, different. The energy of that disharmony was heavy on my shoulders for a lifetime, but was ADOPTED in some ways by the first generation of each family.
My cousins have always been warm and tender with each other - more removed from the "wishing" energy, but some of my aunts and uncles were collateral damage.
Well, that tension is gone. There is a lot of love and unity and harmony... a family embracing the IS of my father's passing, and with it placing their energy into the WANT of being together joyfully.
My mother's sister who is in many ways the matriarch of the family and my father loved each other (perhaps as distant siblings), and the disharmony was strong. They both "wished" the other one was different in their behavior and, in my opinion, out of a loyalty to my mother, continued to harbor disharmony toward one another in the interest of some integrity I vaguely understand.
She was the first person I called, when I found out about my father's passing... She is a loving and amazing woman, and perhaps I look to her as the closest person to my mother... It just felt like the right call to make. She broke down and cried when she heard the news. She immediately rushed to the hospital to be by his side.
15 PLEASE
Now, here is the kicker, and the heart of this conversation today...
My father's sister hates elevators. She is scared of them. When my father moved into this apartment on the 15th floor 15 years ago, she was hurt.
I am convinced that she saw it as my father somehow saying to her "I don't love you enough to consider you in my decisions."
She lost her husband 15 years ago, the year the apartment was bought, and for years my father and his sister have only been able to see each other when my dad would go to her house (or they would go to church together).
In 15 years, my aunt came up to the apartment ONCE, for my father's 80th birthday I believe... or it might have been for my parent's 50th Anniversary.
For 15 years, my father had dinners, gatherings, social events that he would have loved to have had his sister involved in, and she would have loved attending... but when he bought the apartment, she said to him, "You've picked the 15th floor, and I don't do elevators, so I will never be able to come."
Trust me - I tried to convince her otherwise for YEARS. She was steadfast in her resolve that she couldn't.
Aside from the "social" gatherings... my father was LONELY and she was LONELY... and 15 years is roughly 5,475 days that my father lived here... Days that they could have shared together... lunches, conversations, moments... When my father was sick, he was all alone. She wanted to come to be with him but could not.
Long story shorter (a little)...
On the day we arrived with my wife and boys last week, 24 hours after my father's death, I called my cousins and we agreed to meet at his apartment. I realized my aunt would not be able to make it, and felt bad about it, but it made sense. Everyone would be coming over to his apartment for a drink as we got in from the airport... to toast to his life.
We got to the apartment and threw our bags in the room.
The doorbell rang...
I opened the door, and THERE SHE WAS, my father's sister... smiling and crying at the same time.
I was thrilled. I gave her a HUGE hug and was so glad she would be a part of the gathering... the remembering... the moment.
About 15 or 20 people were here, we ordered some pizza's and drank a whiskey in his honor.
The next day, my cousin said she was coming over. My aunt came again...
The following day, my cousin was coming and was running late... the doorbell rang, and IT WAS MY AUNT, BY HERSELF... She decided she didn't want to wait to come over.
It was amazing... she had come up ONCE in 15 years, and she'd been up ONCE per DAY everyday since my father passed.
I went up the elevator with her and noticed she did not seem nervous or anxious. I just held her hand and made conversation.
Yesterday, after her second trip to the apartment, we were riding down the elevator and her eyes welled with tears...
"What's wrong?"... I asked.
"I feel guilty"... she said.
"Why?"...
"I could have come up before... I didn't know it was this easy. I could have been with him when he was sick. I could have spent more time with him..."
I hugged her and assured her that any moment missed because of her decision not to ride the elevator had been substituted with a phone call, and that she had been there at all times for him when he needed her...
all generally true... and still... a lot of days and moments missed....
I am truly amazed by the immediate change in her behavior... and I am convinced it was fully subconscious.
She WISHED he didn't move into this apartment. At least, not without greater acknowledgement of her fear, OF HIS LOVE FOR HER AND THE IMPORTANCE OF HER IN HIS LIFE.
From that place of disharmony, she was never able to overcome the WISH... or the "FEAR"... And, she spent thousands of days and likely tens of thousands of thoughts, if not more, wishing she could come up, wishing he lived somewhere else.
THE MOMENT
THE MOMENT he died, she embraced a NEW "IS"...
He IS no longer with us...
And, pursued a compelling WANT... She wanted to be a part of mourning him... She wanted to SEE his room... She wanted to BE with us!
And, in that moment, and those thoughts of harmony... she simply got in the elevator and said
15 Please...
And, she said it over and over again with a world of disharmony LIFTED off her shoulders...
I am amazed by the IMMEDIATE change of behavior, of mindset, of harmony...
HARMONY HAPPENS IN THE MOMENT...
ONE MOMENT... can change the trajectory of a life (words from Susan Scott)...
ONE MOMENT... is ALL YOU NEED!
Think about it...
WHAT ELEVATORS ARE YOU NOT GETTING INTO because of disharmony?
WHAT THINGS IN OUR LIVES DO WE FEAR or AVOID or IGNORE because somewhere back in time they created a deep disharmony?
WHAT OPPORTUNITIES TO LOVE, to participate, to experience... TO LEARN... are we missing...
BECAUSE we have convinced ourselves that we are too afraid to ride the elevator... or for whatever reason not able to pursue?
HOW DO WE OVERCOME THE POWERFUL ENERGY OF DISHARMONY...
in the things...
with the people...
who matter
MOST?
THINK ABOUT IT...
I guarantee you that there is some elevator in your life...
WAITING FOR YOU...
Breathe deep when you see it...
STEP INSIDE!!!
And, simply say,
15 PLEASE...
GET ON UP...
JOY AWAITS!
... it only takes a moment...
in harmony,
Nestor