I have many friends and colleagues that believe, and say out loud,
“Sometimes,
you just have to kick people in the ass!”
And,
always,
I feel the same visceral response.
1. I am not sure exactly what that means.
2. It feels like something, that is NEVER a good idea!
Stay with me for a minute...
If you are thinking, “ Well, of course, those people don’t literally mean KICK them in the butt!”
I know THAT!
If you are thinking, “Well, maybe those aren’t the right words, but I get it and I agree...”
I would say, “Words MATTER, so, so very much. Words speak to our intent, create a personality, and communicate powerful messages literally, boldly, AND subtly!”
What is the difference between “kicking people in the ass”, and “kicking people when they are down?” They have come to mean different things - at least connotatively. The former, people tend to agree with. The latter, people tend to disagree with...
BUT...
Isn’t the “appropriate” moment, to “kick someone in the —-“ when they are usually at a low point?... when they are struggling with something? Does “kicking” them, literally or figuratively, in that moment seem like the best course of action?
I think people mean lots of different things when they suggest, “sometimes, you have to kick people in the...”. And, I am challenging you to consider... change your thinking, change your the words you choose, and very possibly change your course of action.
1. I believe “kicking someone in the ___” is NEVER appropriate to say or do, for the simple reason that I would never want anyone to do it to me.
I believe in our core - in our absolute being - human beings not only “want” but “NEED” to be seen & valued. It is what we are all working toward with every breath and every action, whether we acknowledge it or not.
If that is our fundamental need as humans, when exactly is “kicking you” required?
If our most basic need is to be seen & valued, does “kicking you” ever help?
2. I believe the desire to say or convey “kicking someone in the ___” conveys arrogance & righteousness and is patronizing - most often without intending to be.
To believe that someone needs to be “kicked” means that “I know better”, that I am more intelligent, powerful, knowing than you are... It conveys no compassion, no humility, no EMPATHY... And, I am convinced that anytime we are acting without compassion or empathy, or from a place of “knowing right from wrong” we are not at our best.
So, let me cut to it.
When people say that someone needs a “kick in the ass”... I think they are really saying that someone needs “the raw truth.”
The “raw truth” without couching, hesitation or deflections.
I believe when people say it, they mean that the person needs to be “jolted”... they need an IMPACTFUL conversation that rattles their understanding of normal... that MOVES them to see a different reality about themselves - about a situation.
And, HELL YES - I agree with that...
If you need to “rattle” someone... “jolt” them to hearing something that may be difficult to hear, perhaps...
you could change your normal location for the conversation... take them somewhere meaningful... outside... somewhere that quiets the noise and amplifies their ability to hear...
you could invite different people into the conversation... change the normal group of people to highlight the different consequence or reality that you are attempting to convey...
you could change the tone of your voice, the context of your message... you could change your own vulnerability in the conversation... your own humility...
those type of things can help people hear things they haven’t heard before or haven’t been able to hear... see things they haven’t seen before...
People sometimes need to be told the raw truth - in a way that is different, that is unexpected and impactful - that rattles their mind, makes them uncomfortable enough to consider a DIFFERENT way of seeing themselves, their behavior or the world...
But, “kicking” people, saying it or doing it - suggests no compassion or empathy... no creativity!
No matter how “raw” the truth you are sharing EVER is... we owe it to each other to stay OPEN... in our own hearts and minds... maybe there is more to the story... maybe there is some “raw truth” that we ourselves don’t understand...
WHAT?
If someone is resisting normal attempts to convey caring feedback,
maybe they are in a difficult situation that you don’t know about...
maybe they have been in difficult situations that shapes their ability to hear certain things...
maybe there is something about the way YOU are conveying it that makes it hard to hear, understand or accept...
or maybe, just maybe...
maybe you’ve never made it clear before!
Often I hear that someone needs to be “kicked” and they are shocked because they had no idea that the “issue” was an “issue” at all...
Often I think if people (i.e. coaches, managers and maybe parents) aren’t able to convey the truth - unless they turn off compassion and empathy... they have to “psyche” themselves up to convey “truth”... because otherwise they stay in the “overly nice” headspace and couch their messages too much, make them too indirect for someone to understand...
Communicating the RAW TRUTH , or truth in general requires
COURAGE...
both to say it
and to receive it...
And, COURAGE meant to assist someone, meant to support someone...
requires COMPASSION...
Instead of saying and THINKING that “sometimes people need a kick in the ass” ...
We should consider
THINKING
and saying...
”Sometimes, we have to reach deeper into ourselves for a different level of courage and compassion...
Sometimes we have to convey things that might poke at one of our core insecurities, or unearth a truth about someone that might scare us or place us in an uncomfortable place of raw honesty... of human intimacy... that may make both people uncomfortable... but, acknowledging that, being compassionate to that - is what makes magic (growth) in the moment... possible.
The thought that we have to “kick someone in the ass” gives us the excuse to CARE LESS... or, possibly not to care. That is only to give ourselves permission... or the strength to say what needs to be said... but,
In caring less, perhaps some can convey a clearer truth... but, whose issue is that?
I would argue in that vulnerable moment of raw truth, what is called for above all else is for us to
CARE MORE THAN EVER!
When I am sharing a truth with you that is meaningful and consequential...
That is affecting your livelihood, and potentially your future...
Why would doing that without COMPASSION EVER be the preferred method?
Even in my own self interest - if I am interested in helping you... which I would argue is then helping the company, and helping me...
WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT
without empathy...
COMPASSION is the ELIXIR to make some of the most painful truths digestible...
Without COMPASSION - people very often can’t hear - because they stay in a state of defensiveness...
And, why...
why is it “sometimes”...
I want to live in a world...
I want to create relationships...
I want to construct a culture...
where COMPASSIONATE COURAGE is ever-present...
where the truth is the only currency...
and open, courageous compassion the only market for exchange...
And, we are OPEN...
to hear each other,
to help each other,
to grow ourselves!
Words matter...
because people matter...
and “kicking”
is NEVER
necessary.
in harmony,
Nestor