It’s been a year since my father passed.
It is amazing how fast time moves AND it is surprising how time heals...
Or, at least how time balances out our emotions.
My father’s passing last year was much sadder than I had expected it would be - and my tears flowed almost without my ability to control them.
Yesterday, there was still sadness, but there was also gratitude and it was much easier to remember him, think about his life & the memories he left behind with joy and objectivity.
There is a part of me that doesn’t like how time dulls the intensity of emotion... of joy and of pain... and, I am sure it’s the human body’s way of allowing itself to dedicate itself more fully to the here and now.
I came to Peru to celebrate the one year of his passing with my aunt (his sister), cousins and friends.
I am so glad I did. I remember him more vividly here, and the many people who loved him are concentrated here. It is always great to see them.
Even though there is some sadness in coming back to Peru without him here, there is a part that feels so very normal and natural... the old pass on, and the young become old... and the circle of life continues.
I became crystal clear on one of the WANTS of my life... I WANT to come to Peru without being in a hurry to go home. I did it perhaps as a child, but for likely 30+ years every trip I have taken to Peru has been a short one. There is a rush of wanting to see people, and not having the time to do it. More importantly, the time I spend with so many special people in my life feels rushed...
In my life in general, I don’t want to be in a hurry... if there is any theme in my life right now... THAT’S IT!
SLOW DOWN... not in every moment, but in the sensation that there is a need to jump from one moment to the next because something or someone else awaits.
Back to Papapa...
I felt bad... yes in some level felt the disharmony of “WISHING” that I had stood up at his funeral last year, said a few words. There weren’t a lot of people at the point where it became appropriate to do so. I wasn’t expecting to be called. And, I passed on the opportunity.
In the spirit of harmony, I had wanted the opportunity to tell the family and friends what my father meant to me, and honor him and his life in some way.
Last night, I got a chance to stand up and speak at the church. I had put a few words together... in a rush... and had decided to sing a large part of the song he had sent me years ago... “When I die, play this song and think of me,” he had advised. It’s a beautiful song, and I felt a bit foolish for considering it... but the song has grown to mean a lot to me, and I know it meant a lot to him.
So, last night in front of more people than I’ve ever sung out loud before, I approached the altar after the father’s blessing...
I thought one more time as I faced the congregation, “maybe I will just skip the singing and say a few words...”
I took a breath and jumped in...
It felt good to sing to him and share that moment with so many people that loved him.
People felt it, appreciated it - as we all remembered him together.
I love that things we occasionally WISH for... we can actually choose to WANT for... and when we WANT for them, we then have the power to make them real. On many occasions in my life, a moment has passed creating a WISH in me, that I had lived the moment differently... and so very often, life has brought new moments about, offering me the same or a greater opportunity to make a WANT come true...
”Era un buen tipo mi viejo...”
Time does more than heal. It creates opportunity, and then it recreates it.
And when the moment is right, we get to jump in...
It was a beautiful night...
It was a beautiful life...
And, it is still...
in harmony,
Nestor