I struggle…
I struggle… a lot.
I hear people say that they hate social media, because we only show our “best” side.
We show the smiles, the sunsets, the graduations, the love, the success…
And, life is not like that.
At least, not always.
I struggle…
And, I don’t want to ever pretend that I don’t.
Because I want to be true.
And, because struggling is healthy.
It’s just not easy, or pretty, or fun…
And, the reason it’s so important to share it with you… is not to for your pity or your empathy.
But simply, and hopefully, to let you know you are not alone.
Because I know, whether you admit it out loud or not,
You struggle too!
I struggle with the way I look… everyday.
I get angry that I don’t have more self discipline, more will power.
I struggle with the fact that my looks are important to me…
I struggle with my own vanity and my own selfishness.
I struggle with whether I am living my life, or a life that somewhere, someone told me was the one I was supposed to be living.
I struggle with the fact that I am drawn to the “softer” side of things… that I always have a gravity toward the feelings, the emotional component, the less tangible… the human.
I struggle that I really don’t know what I am doing. That my competence in finances is not where it should be. That my competence in leadership is not where it should be.
I struggle with the fear of making decisions that will set us back instead of propelling us forward.
I struggle with not being creative enough to see the discontinuous future.
I struggle with getting older, getting weaker… being tired.
I struggle with not being a present enough father, husband, friend, son… I really struggle with that.
I struggle with how much I work… and with how much I don’t.
I struggle with the fear of possibly wasting time, wasting life.
I struggle with being too materialistic – I question everything I desire.
I struggle with being selfish – with thinking about myself too often, with talking about myself too much.
I struggle with my own desire to be better all the time… how to make things better… and that keeping me from making my amazing life the best it can be.
I struggle with overthinking my life, my decisions… (probably comes as no surprise).
I struggle with who I am and who I am supposed to be… and why.
Lately, I’ve been struggling more than usual, because I am less clear on why I exist, and why I wake up everyday…
As our kids get older, they need us less… and in their opinion, maybe not at all 😉
As we check off the boxes of what we thought we were supposed to achieve, chasing those boxes is no longer the objective…
So many voices speaking to mindful & meaningful existences… and I struggle with what the hell that means and how I achieve THAT!
My friends that are religious, tell me what I struggle is a lack of a relationship with God. And, I don’t dismiss that as a possibility… I think there is truth to it.
In my mind, it’s more, I struggle with the amount of time I give my spirituality… I crave more spirituality… I just fail to make it a priority.
I struggle with the fact that too often I let life get in the way of what I think is most important.
I struggle with trying to make everyone happy….
I struggle with all that I am told by others is important.
I struggle…
I struggle a lot…
I don’t struggle with death. And, that may be because I struggled with that for a long time, until I accepted it and started living my life in a way that made me more comfortable with the inevitability.
I don’t struggle with truth… except in those moments where I think the total truth will hurt someone’s feelings… and then I struggle with sharing as much truth as I believe they are willing to stomach…
Those two things are absolutes…
I know where the line is… there is no grayness…
I struggle with grayness…
with the vast majority of my reality
that exists somewhere in the middle of two truths…
somewhere between here and death.
I share this with you, because I want you to know me.
And, because I want you to know that it’s ok.
That I’m ok.
That you are ok.
Struggling is questioning…
And perhaps this whole push for mindfulness and meaning is the latest way of trying to navigate
The human condition.
I believe it is because I struggle that I can relate and connect with others - as I do.
It is our openness to embrace our own struggle that makes us humble, makes us open, makes us human!
The critical flavor of my struggle is very inwardly focused and too often bleeds over to those closest to me. My awareness with my own struggle makes me more aware and deliberate at being that “other” voice in the “life” conversation of others.
I am convinced that my struggle is one of my greatest gifts in my ability to connect, to relate and to be for others the voice I myself need - the voice of the other truth.
There are multiple voices in our own heads… in the conversation we are constantly having with ourselves.
Our “state of mind” is a snapshot capturing which voices are dominating the conversation.
It’s ok to struggle…
And, the voices must be balanced out… all voices need to be heard!
The critical voice of struggle must be part of the conversation – to challenge our status quo.
And, we need the other voices too.
The voices that tell me that I’ve been navigating my life for 52 years with some measure of success,
So, I can’t be all bad.
The voices of friends, loved ones and occasionally strangers, that make us feel seen and heard.
The voices that we work so hard not to believe… the voices that pay us compliments that we feel unworthy of accepting…
I am so willing to hear the critical voice and believe it and engage with it… and so unwilling to hear the positive ones. Hence, I struggle.
The concept of harmony empowers me… inspires me… through the struggle…
Because I do believe that every moment I live stands on its own merit…
Every moment I live is an experience and a life in and of itself.
Every moment is an opportunity.
Every moment is a fresh start.
I struggle more than I don’t.
And, I wish I didn’t.
Harmony is about
Acceptance…
Acceptance of
WHO we are
WHERE we are
HOW we are
AND then in that acceptance,
it’s the ACTION toward our WANT…
my want…
It’s scary to admit how many things I struggle with…
That I’ve been struggling with my whole life.
No outside voice can convince us of our own worth.
No outside event can convince us…
I know what the conversation is inside my own mind,
And it’s so often destructive, doubt-filled, and so very lost…
I think the greatest gift we can give each other,
The greatest love we can share,
Is to speak our truth…
To share our struggle…
And from that place and truth…
Not to JUDGE – but to love…
Not to PREACH – but to hear…
Not to SOLVE – but to connect…
So that we can all know deep in our souls…
We are not alone.
We are ONE…
In struggle…
In harmony,
Nestor