I have been trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...

I know, I know - some people think I am a grown up, or at least should be by this point...

And, truth is that I am.

But, I’m also childlike - hopeful, impressionable, playful, exploring and eager to become something worthy that will make my parents proud.

I know there is more out there waiting for me when this current professional chapter ends... and I am excited to figure out what that is...

But I’ve been going about it all wrong...

I’ve been thinking so much about

WHAT I want to do - WHAT I should do

Instead of thinking about

WHY?

My WHY has changed radically in the past years. I am no longer working to take care of my family - to make sure we could pay for college and life. The boys are no longer around - or at least not like they once were.

WHY do I want to work?

HOW do I want to spend my time?

That’s what I need to figure out.

The WHAT I do - matters little. I feel that...

The WHAT I am able to accomplish... matters more.

And WHAT I accomplish needs to be fueled by the change or the value I want to bring to this world. And, that must be driven by purpose.

I am constantly evaluating my thoughts against other people’s stories - against other people’s successes - against the money I may be able to make...

And, it all keeps feeling pointless - or at least meaningless.

I keep trying to find other people’s recipes to prepare my own dish... and it keeps feeling off.

There are two thoughts becoming clearer everyday;

I need to be clear on my purpose - on why I want to exist, what contribution matters most to me... before anything else makes sense.
I need to then do what feels most right, not the optimal solution to a formulaic set of options, but what compels me.

It is a gift - to me and those around me - if I can do what compels me...

I want originality and authenticity in my life, in my contribution, yet I compare every possible decision against the norms of society.

When you compare against norms - you deliver normal... you deliver average, maybe... maybe slightly above or below...

I need to stop evaluating, stop comparing, stop measuring...

I need to start liberating, disassociating, committing, doing - that which fills my heart and soul...

I realize how crazy fortunate I am to have this wonderful struggle, yet struggle always feels like struggle.

I’ve spent too much of my life trying to play by the playbook, trying to find the right recipe for life... and, it has been fruitful and beautiful and enjoyable.

And, it’s time...
I realize
it’s time to stop.

It’s time to sit in silence and listen to my soul -
It’s time to have courage and
Cook without a recipe
Live without traditional measure
Love without bounds...

I don’t know exactly what I should do...
But I do know a little bit about why and how...
And I need to give those voices more time to sing...
And my heart more room to dance...

Find your own beat -
Move to your own rhythm...
Share the beauty of your true nature.
Free your gift -
so that it may be shared and enjoyed...

share it…