It was 31 years ago this past Friday, that I rode early in the morning with my father on a Saturday morning. It was the year that Iran had taken the hostages. I knew something was very wrong. My dad was crying uncontrollably as he drove.
My sister Dee had been in the hospital for a few days, and we were on our way to see her. I asked my father why he was so sad, and he told me, she would never get out of the hospital alive this time.
Dee was a warrior. She was fearless. Or, so I have always believed.
When we got to Children’s hospital, and walked to her room, she was in a coma. I stood next to her and said good bye. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I am sure I told her that I would miss her, that I was sorry.
My sister Ana had died 3 years previously. Ana’s death happened in our own home. I will remember that night vividly forever.
Both of them suffered from Muscular Dystrophy which we now know better as Spinal Atrophy. They could not walk. Their story deserves a book unto itself.
Dee died later that same day. Somehow it was still a surprise.
So many thoughts crossed my mind. I have always questioned what my real feelings where at that time. My house swelled with what felt like 1,000 people. It was a 3 bedroom apartment – and it was packed with bodies in all rooms. Many people, specially the women wearing sunglasses. I tried unsuccessfully to hide in the closet.
Everyone kept coming up to me. Hugging me. Telling me they were sorry. Saying how they knew that I must be so, so sad. I didn’t know what I felt.
My sisters have played a tremendous role in my life. Much bigger than I realize even today.
For one, their death created scars in the relationship with my parents that made a difficult relationship so much more painful to watch. They have always, as I am sure is natural, blamed each other for my sisters. I feel horrible, having judged them as I have, life has not been easy on them.
Second, I have felt a lot of guilt for many years. My dad raised me with explicit guilt. I think my sisters caused me self inflicted, implicit guilt. Why did I get to walk? Why did I get to live?
Third, it has given me a fascination, and a love/hate relationship with death. I have been in a conversation with myself about death since Ana died in 1978.
GUILT is DISHARMONY…
There is no aspect of guilt that is about harmony (We will have to write separately about this topic…)
Why do I feel the need for you to understand this?
DEATH
It obsessed me for many years, and created real disharmony in my life.
I was scared of death… really scared.
It made me wonder “where should I be buried, in Lima or in Peru”? Because in my heart I wished I lived in both places.
I wished my boys would not die before me. I wished I could be strong enough to withstand that pain if they did.
I actually, on numerous occasions, envisioned their deaths, and virtually felt the loss to the extent one can artificially create those feelings, so as to practice being strong enough.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I actually think you can do that. You can train your brain to be stronger. You can think through situations so that when they happen you are more capable of managing through them. But, why so much focus and attention on death, and in most cases it filled me with questions that where largely wishes.
Today, I can tell you, I am no longer afraid of death.
Embracing the concept of harmony to the point that I have, allows me to see death very simply as a part of our absolute truth. Wishing it didn’t happen, wishing I could control it, wishing almost anything about death are all sources of disharmony.
I embrace that death is a very natural and inevitable part of life. And, very much the ultimate motivator.
I love the Steve Jobs quote (from the video posted on Digital Gold on this blog)…
There is the quote,” If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you will most certainly be right.”
I love his thoughts,
“Remembering I will be dead soon,
is the most important tool that I have found
to help me make the big choices in life,
because almost everything,
all external expectations,
all pride,
all fear of embarrassment or failure,
these things just fall away in the face of death,
leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know, to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose.
You are already naked,
there is no reason not to follow your heart.”
I no longer fear death. I am motivated by the certainty of it.
Thanks to the concepts of harmony, I am very conscious that my actions today, in this moment, are the only impact that I have on my legacy.
That the actions in our each and every moment, are the place where we can impact leaving the world a better place than we found it.
The only fear I have today, is of not making decisions in my life fast enough, of not taking enough chances…
But fear, in and of itself is disharmony.
How do I convert that fear into the concepts of harmony. It requires embracing that my time is limited as an absolute truth. And, not only limited, but its length unknown.
So, because the absolute truth is that we will die,
And we don’t know when.
And, because I want to leave an indelible impression in those I love and care about,
I work in every moment as best as I can, to share my most sincere thoughts, my clearest understanding…
Hoping to make an impression
Hoping to spark a thought or emotion
Hoping to leave a mark
Hoping to be remembered for some small but meaningful reason by those I love
Hoping to have the opportunity to live one more moment
And, build on the one just lived…
When you truly embrace harmony…
You embrace death as a part of life.
I don’t remember a lot of details about my sisters… certainly nowhere near enough.
And, that makes me feel guilty and sad (DISHARMONY)…
So, I reposition that feeling.
Because even though I don’t remember countless details of our years together,
I feel their energy (as wacky as that sounds).
I live fuller because of them.
I am bolder because of them.
I think about them more now, than I probably ever have.
Every day when I run, I think of them. I think of the fact they could never have enjoyed or known this freedom.
Every day I walk, I think of them. I think of the fact that they could never have enjoyed or known this feeling.
When I look at my children… I realize that it was by the grace of God, or simply probability or fate, that I am the one that got the muscles that worked.
I am the one that gets to play out my hand.
And, honestly…
I feel as much disharmony as harmony.
You see, I have so many moments - where I regret not having understood so much of this sooner. I have so many moments – wishing I had lived with less fear in the past. I have so many moments – angry at myself for not living every day of my life to its fullest, for not being more grateful along the way, for so, so many things…
This is the weight of disharmony.
AND – this is the POWER of HARMONY!
I have so many moments, where I am so crazy grateful to be alive.
I am so grateful that for whatever reason, by whatever hand, I am the one that got to live.
I am grateful that I got to learn, and play out my own hand.
I don’t take moments for granted.
I try hard not to waste moments (and I still do), but I see so many people, wasting SO many moments… it breaks my heart.
I am aware… so crazy aware of my life.
My absolute truth overflows with blessings… and it all starts with simply the blessing of being present and alive.
Know that harmony is not about ALWAYS being happy.
Know that harmony is not about ALWAYS being positive.
Know that harmony is not about ALWAYS feeling like you are on a path to success.
Harmony is about the EFFORT and awareness in every moment of our real absolute truth. It is about the commitment to anchor our perspective from the gratitude of all that we have, and to take AS MANY MOMENTS AS WE CAN MUSTER THE ENERGY TO INFLUENCE and move them toward who we want to be, toward the life we want to live…
HARMONY ONLY HAPPENS in the MOMENT…
If you stay conscious and aware of moments of disharmony,
You have the possibility of bringing yourself back the next moment.
Death is part of our absolute truth.
Embrace it as our ultimate motivator to live with urgency for what really matters
For saying the things you most want to say
To those you care most about.
And, to you, in this moment…
I love you for reading this as random as it may have been.
You need to know disharmony to be passionate for harmony.
You need to embrace death to be passionate for life.
Yours in the pursuit of HARMONY,
Nestor