Navigating Issues: (Part 3 of 3) The need to be RIGHT
So, I need to wrap this topic up, because I feel like I should at some point here right something about the holidays… And, I will.
But, I want to get this third and final thought out about “navigating issues”.
By the way, I started writing this blog very early in January last year, possibly January 1st. It has been a gift this year. It has allowed me to share so much more, and develop deeper and greater relationships with very special people. It has truly brought a new dimension into my life, and to “harmony”. I will write more on this tomorrow…
For now – let’s recap.
I don’t like the title, “Navigating Issues” because it sounds so impersonal and so specific. These three concepts aren’t just about navigating issues, they are about relating to people around you, embracing new ideas, gaining alignment, resolving disagreements, really they are about NAVIGATING LIFE!
Navigating LIFE requires interacting with people in every moment (even if its just your own person)…
These three components apply, in my opinion, universally to navigating life.
First, don’t see the reality, situation, issue, decision, as “TWO islands”, and certainly don’t put your flag into one. Jump into the water and explore the possible islands together as much as possible.
Second, be mindful of the “SPACE and TIME” needed for others to digest and embrace information. Be mindful that there are right times and wrong times to engage in certain discussions and push for certain agreement. You CANNOT typically rush conversations at your pace, you need to remember to slow down sometimes to let others catch up, or more important you have to have small conversations sometimes first, before being able to have big ones.
Third, be aware of our very deeply embedded NEED TO BE RIGHT!
I used to think that what motivated us at our core was our desire for affection, and then I realized I was wrong.
Then, I thought that what motivated us at our core was our desire for connection… when we are connected, we feel alive, and then I realized, I was wrong.
I now think that what motivates us most deeply, the root of our intention, is our need to feel WORTHY. I believe that what motivates us is the need to know that our presence on earth matters, that we are making some contribution worth something… We want to feel WORTHY of our own existence.
When we are in a situation, conversation, “connecting” with someone, that other persons engagement with us and acknowledgement of us makes us feel worthy. Human beings require interaction deep in our fiber.
When we are feeling affection, someone’s touch makes us feel worthy.
So, affection and connectedness are true as motivators, but I think beneath both of those is our desire to “FEEL WORTHY”.
NOTE: I know I have talked about Brene Brown’s Video before, “The Power of Vulnerability”. If you search Brene Brown Vulnerability on you tube or TED talks, it’s an 18 minute video. WATCH IT! Consider it an early X-mas present if you haven’t seen it. WATCH IT. She talks about our need to be worthy… in an entertaining, insightful and impactful way.
I watch people, as you know, in situations, and some people have a very pronounced need to “BE RIGHT”. They, for whatever reason, associate the need to be right directly with their worth. This makes navigating issues more difficult. It makes them more vested in their “island”.
We all do it. Some do it very occasionally. Some do it sometimes. Some do it most of the time. We are all human.
Harmony and disharmony happens in the moment. I think our “sense of worth” happens in the moment as well. After all, it’s the only place where we exist.
Those people that define their worth by being “right” show up knowing the answer. And so, you have to prove your case with hard data in order to shift their right to a new right. And, even with data many will continue to argue. These people want to know they are RIGHT so they live often in a world of “OR”. They want their answer to be right and yours wrong. It’s their way OR your way, not both. I really need to bring you specific examples. I will look for some.
Others define their worth, not by being RIGHT, but by the ability to get better, to get smarter, to find better answers.
I really like the concept that “multiple things can be true at once” so in the vast majority of situations there isn’t only ONE right answer.
And, life has subtlety and complexity, so what is “optimal” in a given situation today, may not be optimal in a very similar situation tomorrow. Ugh – that doesn’t help those who want to be RIGHT. Because it makes you feel like right is less obvious, less clear, less consistent.
I see it in conversations… those who embrace “I am right” versus those who embrace the “Lets discuss this”. It’s not always clear what is the better approach.
I envy people with great conviction. I envy their certainty. I like the simplicity that it would bring to life, to navigating issues, and to being constantly more “certain” of my worth.
And, often they are right, and they make decisions faster… but they aren’t always right, and when they aren’t they don’t know it. The biggest issue is that they DON’T give people around them the opportunity to explore with them, to reach the same conclusions, to feel good about sometimes being right too… People with a strong sense of needing to be right often create disharmony in their exchanges. I notice that its harder to get close to them. You don’t approach them with issues as often. They aren’t as empathetic.
Navigating issues together isn’t just about being right, in my opinion, its much more about “NAVIGATING’ together. Even if you reach the wrong conclusions, if you reach them together, you own them together, and you then correct them together.
Trust me – I am not looking to be WRONG… but I would much rather conclude wrong and own wrong together… because there are few situations that together we can’t make better once we learn from our mistake.
Trying to be right with disharmony might end up making me feel like “I knew better” but at what cost?
So, its not only about whether we are right or wrong in navigating issues, but did we construct our ability to navigate together in the process / in the moment.
ANOTHER VIDEO YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH IS “WHY YOU NEED TO FAIL” by Derek Sivers. FAILING CAN BE Extremely productive and educational… and NECESSARY.
If you define your worth by your need to be right, you stand alone too often on your island, when you are right, and certainly when you are wrong.
If you define your worth by your ability to learn, to explore you end up learning so much more – AND bringing the group along with you. In the process of learning and exploring an issue, others get to come along, and feel smarter, and often ADD value to the exploration…
Be mindful of your own need to be right.
Be patient with those around you, and understanding, when they show up needing to be right. Remember that it comes from a place of wanting to feel “worthy”. That makes us more empathetic instead of defensive against that approach.
One more thought… You don’t need to know the answer until you REALLY NEED TO MAKE THE DECISION. You don’t need to know the answer until you REALLY NEED TO MAKE THE DECISION.
Embracing this gives you the space and the time and the room to EXPLORE.
People who define their worth by their need to be right – leave no room, or minimal room for this exploration, because while they are in the exploration they are feeling vulnerable.
They want to make decisions RIGHT AWAY!
Often, decisions DON’T need to be made. Just stay in the exploration. Allow your mind to digest and integrate new subtle data points.
UNTIL YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION – YOU DON’T HAVE TO PICK AN ISLAND.
Things that make the “need to be right”, a dangerous approach.
MULTIPLE THINGS CAN BE TRUE AT ONCE.
THE QUESTIONS REMAIN THE SAME, BUT THE ANSWERS CHANGE.
YOU DON’T NEED TO PICK AN ANSWER UNTIL YOU REALLY HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION.
WE ALL ULTIMATELY WANT TO ADD VALUE (if you come in with the right answer and give people no room to own it for themselves, you create a dynamic where your need to be right comes at the expense of anyone else being able to feel like they were right too).
I don’t own “RIGHT”, because what is right changes all of the time.
I say that – and I believe HARMONY is right.
I do believe that HARMONY is BETTER than disharmony.
So, how do rationalize that?
EASY ;-)
HARMONY is not an answer.
HARMONY is a set of questions.
HARMONY is a universally RIGHT “APPROACH” that HELPS (doesn’t ensure) people find a great (not necessarily right) answer. If you embrace harmony, it gives you the highest probability of alignment and accord in navigating issues.
Maybe I am just rationalizing it…
I do think there is a RIGHT set of questions that apply to virtually every problem.
What is the truth?
What IS the real situation? What defines it? What creates it? How will this affect those around me? What do I know? What don’t I know?
WHO CAN HELP ME BETTER UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH?
WHAT DO I WANT TO BE?
WHERE DO I WANT TO GO?
IN THIS MOMENT!
Julio Olalla says “Wisdom is a love affair with questions”, “Knowledge is a love affair with answers”. I LOVE THAT SEPARATION.
WISDOM is HARMONY
Knowledge is the desire to be right… and is so often disharmony.
IT is the PURSUIT of knowledge that is so extremely valuable. Our ability to learn. So much more powerful than what we already know.
And, to me you can put the two together…
Commit your need to be right – to placing your conviction on the QUESTIONS not the ANSWERS to every aspect of LIFE!
You show up so much more able to create harmony, so much less burdened by the weight of having to be right…, so much more likely to find the optimal answer to apply when you really need one…
People with a need to be right to feel worthy – typically don’t ask a lot of questions… and are a lot less right than those that don’t define themselves by that.
I hope you understand the difference. It matters. It matters so very much.
It’s subtle.
It’s complicated.
It’s real.
It’s the third and final part…
Find your worth in the exploration, not in the conclusion.
Find it in the journey!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor