I just DON’T CARE very much about winning.
I know…
I know.
It’s un-American of me, but I can’t help it.
I just DON’T get it.
Well, maybe I do.
I get that winning is MORE FUN than losing.
Clearly… that is the case.
But, winning does not motivate me.
Deep down inside, it is not a desire to COMPETE that fuels me, but rather a desire to CONSTRUCT…
I coach soccer, and I know how good winning feels, but I know how good it feels when we play really well. When we win against teams that are not as good, and we play poorly, it feels like no accomplishment.
I tell the boys our objective to play better every week than we did the week before. I tell them we cannot control winning, we can only control playing as smart as we can and as hard as we can, and if we do that we should win more often than we lose.
I lead a business, and I know how good winning feels, but I know how good it feels when we grow because of our own efforts. It is nice to grow as the market expands, but I feel no satisfaction from it, its more relief. What merit is there in riding up an expanding market? Anyone could do that… a well run company or a poorly run company can grow in an expanding market… SO WHAT? Where is the accomplishment?
I watch the kids sports that I don’t coach, and I hear the parents’ conversations and comments to the kids. I just don’t care if we win or not. What does it truly affect or change? I do love to see the boys play their hearts out. I love to see them battle. I love to see them make great plays based on their extra effort or their collaborative and creative play.
Even when it comes to national sports teams, the Ravens, etc. It is fun to see them win and celebrate and party. But, I really don’t care. I don’t feel like it matters much.
I feel like an outsider with this perspective… but I’d be lying if I told you it mattered to me.
I think the only place I care about WINNING is in war. I want to see the good guys WIN, or at least the “better” guys win… in WAR there is a consequence.
EAST vs WEST
I was talking to a good friend yesterday about the differences between Western civilization and Eastern Civilizations. In the West, we are taught to COMPETE and WIN against others. We want to prove our point right against the competition. In the Eastern religions, you are taught to play against yourself. You are trying to improve upon yourself. He argued that if you really listen to Jesus, Mohammed and the other prophets, they conveyed a message of self awareness, and self improvement that we have interpreted as an "us against them" culture.
I feel like an outsider. Maybe I belong in the East ;-) I don’t feel the PULL of winning. To me feeling VICTORY is something really different. I am not disappointed if the Ravens lose. I don’t feel proud if they win. I had nothing to do with it, and it really doesn’t impact much except a momentary desire to party.
MY FEAR
I have shared that my only fear at this point in my life is to waste time, and caring about winning seems wasteful. Feeling sad or disappointed after a “loss” that didn’t really matter feels like wasted energy.
In business, for me, its not about beating the other companies, its about constructing a better product, delivering greater value and hopefully, yes, that will mean that we will grow, and we may grow by winning market share from the competition, but
WINNING IS A BY-PRODUCT OF CONSTRUCTING VALUE
If I construct value, I GROW. If we construct value, WE GROW. If we construct VALUE, we make the world in a small way BETTER, and thus it is worthwhile. And, if we deliver value then we will likely see “wins” along the way… but what if we don’t?
What if we construct value as we work for the government contracts, and the competition provides a bid without the intention of delivering on the government contract and wins? Will I be disappointed? Sure. But, will I have “lost”? Not in my book, it is the government that will have lost. They will have selected a lesser provider. That is what bothers me about the government, rationality and value are not always the winners. And, that is because, they don’t value money the way rational people do, because they don’t have to earn it.
IMPORTANTLY, we construct images and visions of our future of our lives that we end up “competing” against. Did I live up to this image that I painted for myself? We so often compete against our brothers, our sisters, our friends. Sometimes its outright and on the table. Sometimes its just in our minds. Sometimes we don’t even acknowledge it, but we feel it.
MY DAD & OTHERS I KNOW
My dad always competed, and always shared his loses. That ate away at me, as a child and then as an adult. But, it didn’t bother me, as much as his “wins” bothered me. Because he was “competing” and felt like he couldn’t win too often, he then rejoiced in the “wins” that mattered to him. Occasionally, he would share his sense of “winning” based on his superior race. Occasionally, he would share his wins based on his “last name”, and the fact that his uncle had been President of Peru. Clearly things to be proud of – but hopefully because of what those people “constructed” not because they won some competition.
What always struck me, was my dad’s sense of winning against others based on his morality. It was righteous, and to me, it was wrong. I don’t know what people go through. I don’t know people’s situations, or the criteria for their decisions. I try hard not to compare my life against others… but I am not perfect.
I feel fat… and yet I sometimes feel like I am “winning” when I see someone heavier. That is wrong.
I never feel like I am winning against someone less fortunate.
CAPITALISM
IMPORTANT to note. I love capitalism. And, I believe in Ayn Rands interpretations of Capitalism where above all the principle of PROTECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S RIGHTS is always paramount. It still works if you believe in construction and not competition in your core.
CREATE VALUE, CONSTRUCT VALUE but NEVER AT THE EXPENSE of someone else’s right to own property, to live a free and respectful life.
Capitalism by default includes some winning and losing. And, it can be enjoyed and "won" by constructing a better "mouse trap" in a better way.
WRAPPING UP
The Eastern religions didn’t end up avoiding war in the Eastern cultures.
Human nature is human nature. It is imperfect. It can be imperialistic.
But what are the values that FUEL us? What is the energy that motivates our CORE? What is the WHY of our existence? What is the lessons that we want to teach?
Do we want our young boys and girls to learn how to GROW? How to CONSTRUCT themselves and their teams into something better? Or are we trying to teach them to win 2 -1 against lesser teams or with poor play?
Do we want to win at any cost? Or do we want to find ways to have our businesses our professions add value to our communities and as a by product create better lives for us?
HARMONY is about CONSTRUCTION!
It is about constructing BETTER moments… BUILDING better moments and allowing those moments to beget more of the same…
Happiness and Success CANNOT be WON through competition… they must be constructed through VALUE and INTEGRITY… that will lead to victory.
CONSTRUCT DON’T COMPETE…
Winning is more fun than losing… True…
But, we cannot control the competition, and setting our goals and our success on things we cannot control puts our happiness in the hands of randomness… And, the anxiety and stress that comes with a lack of control about our own futures will flood your mind…
Next time there are 50 seconds left on the clock and your kids team is down by 2. Cheer them on! Yell loudly! And, remember, they are in one of life's greatest lessons. It's ok and natural to prefer to win, to cheer them on to victory. Just remember, they WIN whether or not they end up with the larger score... they win if they play to the end, if they never give up, if they feel your love and support... and if they come out and play even harder tomorrow!
HARMONY and SUCCESS and HAPPINESS require acceptance of the things we cannot change or control and accountability and engagements on the things that we can…
I am OK with losing… if I am playing today better than I did yesterday.
I am OK with losing… if I am playing my very best and committed to playing better tomorrow…
I am OK with losing… as long as I am learning and growing… and I am convinced that if I keep playing better, I will ultimately win… and keep winning.
But learning is my goal, not winning.
CONSTRUCT don’t compete…
Make that your core…
And, watch how the world slowly changes around you…
YOURS in the CONSTRUCTION of harmony,
Nestor