There are hard decisions and there are hard decisions…
And, they aren’t the same thing ;-)
How do you get a teenager to better balance his time between screen-time and homework time?
Do you terminate an employee that is not performing to your expectations or do you give them time and work with them longer?
How do you prioritize your time between various things that you love and are important to you?
There are hard decisions, because they are COMPLEX.
And…
There are hard decisions, because the require COURAGE.
Often, I hear us “pushing” to make “hard” decisions because we should have the “courage” when the truth is that they are “complex” decisions.
And, sometimes we delay decisions that take COURAGE because we convince ourselves to believe they are complex, when they aren’t.
Confused?
I hope not…
If we are going to succeed in our decision making, we need to help people understand the difference.
I think as parents we believe we often don’t punish our kids because it’s easier not to, or because we are copping out.
I think as managers we believe we often don’t reprimand our employees because it’s easier not to, or because we are copping out.
Parenting, management, and leadership are tough gigs. Specially, if you care. But, they are amazingly rewarding as well.
Don’t replace courage for thoughtfulness.
Don’t replace courage with effort. It takes courage to punish, it takes effort to educate.
Ultimately, you know the difference. The question, is do you give yourself the time and the space to think through it, to allow it to evolve and become rich and clear in your own mind?
Harmony begets harmony and disharmony begets disharmony.
I believe that as completely as I believe that the sun will set this evening and rise again tomorrow morning.
There are moments when disharmony is required.
When someone treats you with disrespect, you first approach them respectfully.
If they continue to treat you with disrespect, at some point, is disrespect back tolerated?
If someone violates you in some form, do you violate them back? Do you ever forgive them?
Pope John Paul II hugged and forgave the man who shot him and tried to kill him.
Gandhi would never choose violence regardless the level of instigation.
Martin Luther King preached peaceful demonstration.
If you can take behavior to its extreme… if it was a graph you could plot… I believe in peace, in harmony, in goodness, in kindness to the death…
But, only to the death.
In my opinion, IT’S DEATH that draws the line for me between harmony and disharmony.
Is my life or the life of those I love in jeopardy? Is the death of my business at stake? Is the “death” of a contract or a relationshiop at stake? Is the death of my values at stake?
Those are the kinds of questions where I draw the line…
And, I realize Pope John Paul II, Gandhi and MLK all took their line beyond death. Their commitment to harmony was greater than their commitment to their own lives.
I am far more imperfect, and I believe the world requires different kinds of people.
I am glad MLK was there to be a positive force when Malcolm X was fighting the war in a different way.
I am glad that the United States dropped the bomb in Japan, when tens of thousands were dying in World War II.
I am glad that Bush attacked Afghanistan after 9-11, but I fundamentally disagreed with going into Iraq as did most of the US population.
As a majority we USUALLY draw the right line… and as people, and as a population… all sides will be represented to their extreme.
I believe in the death penalty, even though I believe that deep in our souls we are all designed for goodness.
Wow…
Where on earth am I going with all of this?
The decision to punish a child or terminate an employee is us wielding power… a bold and meaningful power.
My hope is that you wield it with great care.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is your child at risk? At real risk? Or, is your child at risk of learning a meaningful and potentially painful lesson? Is the lesson a better alternative than the punishment?
When we punish – we bring the disharmony between the punished and the punisher, instead of allowing the disharmony to exist between the potentially punished and the situation.
The lesson that could have been learned is replaced by the resentment of authority.
If a child is running into traffic – you yell, you yank, you break their arm if you have to to keep them from getting into that street. And, that is the right call.
If your child is struggling with motivation or initiative – is creating meaningful resentment ever good? I think so, when the lack of motivation becomes dangerous in some meaningful way.
Only you can decide.
So often, having patience and empathy and influence over the struggle is the best that we can offer… even if its less than we “wish” it was…
I don’t ever remember being punished and learning a lesson. I remember being punished and thinking “I can take that”, “Is that all you’ve got”, or worse, being punished and feeling “I must not be good enough.”
Have we made expectations truly clear?
Have we made behaviors really clear?
Have we tried various methods to help people embrace the reason for change?
Have we acknowledged them for the efforts that they are making?
Have we played our role as best as we can realistically played it?
Sometimes I want to punish my children because I don’t have the time to truly give them the effort they require on a given topic. How badly will I feel if I punish them, knowing that with more time, I could help them achieve? How badly will I feel, if I think they know the difference?
Growing up is hard. Whether you are growing from 3 to 5, or 10 to 15 or in my case 45 to 50… Growing up is hard, because it takes courage and it is complex.
Ultimately you have to listen to and trust your gut, which is a signal for your intellect…
Give yourself the time to think…
Wherever possible, ENGAGE in constructive conversation…
SPECIALLY WITH THOSE MOST IMPACTED BY YOUR DECISIONS…
Speak directly to those you love, care about and/or work with…
HEAR THEM…
Allow yourself to better understand where they are coming from,
What they are struggling with…
So that your gut may be as close to the absolute truth as it can be before making a decision…
Conversations had openly and caringly expose truths…
Silence is most often one dimensional…
Have the courage to take the time to untangle complex decisions… before you authorize yourself the courage to wield the quicker kind of power…
Don’t make hard, even harder…
And don’t confuse care and patience with softness…
There is greater reward with effort…
There is greater happiness with harmony…
There is greater success with understanding and patience…
Yours in harmony, trying to make the right hard decisions,
Nestor