Driving Home…
I try not to take things for granted...
I try to notice the harmony and disharmony inside my mind and heart in every moment.
I often say that for most of my life, I felt like I lived in someone else’s home.
It’s the best metaphor that captures the emotions for me.
I lived happily but with a sense that I was a guest in my world…
not entitled to permanence…
not entitled to worthiness…
Able to observe the people around me succeed and own their own journeys…
Able to be grateful for being part of all of it…
Able to be constructive and collaborative, but always lacking the personal confidence that it all wouldn’t be taken away from me when the host said I was no longer welcome.
So, I aspired to “permanence” and "worth" largely through achieving financial success. "If I could be financially independent", I thought, then no one could take my "home" away from me. And, there is a little truth in that potentially with respect to our "material" home... our house.
I remember dreaming and wishing for a bigger house, and feeling dissatisfied with the one I had.
I remember dreaming and wishing to be stronger and fit, and feeling dissatisfied with the strength and health that I had.
I remember dreaming and wishing for a nicer car, and feeling dissatisfied with the one I had.
I was a good guest… or at least I tried to be. I figured the more I could make people like me… and value me, the least likely that “I would be asked to leave.”
The desire to be LIKABLE served me well for awhile (and got me into some real trouble), but the desire to be VALUABLE set me free.
I don’t know if this outsider feeling came from moving to the US at a young age, because so many others seem to move, and have a deep sense of connection and confidence from the moment they arrive.
I don’t know if this feeling came from my dad, unknowingly, making me feel so very inadequate in either culture… “American” or “Peruvian”… When I grew up, I lived my father’s home, not mine. And, our house was rented. And, it wasn't a house, it was an apartment. My friends all had homes their parents owned. My cousins all had homes their parents owned.
I get now that none of that really matters... an apartment or a rental... the home I was seeking had nothing to do with that... but the two seemed so connected emotionally and metaphorically. I remember wanting us to BUY a home so deeply. We had conversations with my father and sister. My sister and I fought for it, but my dad always had his reasons why it didn't make sense. And his reasons where always based on a combination of fear of the unknown, and probably a desire not to anchor down still wishing that perhaps he wouldn't lose me forever to this foreign land. I didn't understand that then.
I was a just a guest... dreaming of my own home.
I don’t know where this feeling came from… or if it is simply a function of my own physiology and genetic code, but boy did it linger for about four decades.
The other day, I heard Ray Lewis say in a video something along the lines of, “Success is not about money or cars or homes, it’s about knowing what your message is, and spreading your message.” That struck such a chord with me… It’s part of the lesson that I have learned in the past several years.
The clearer that I get on my message, the better that I understand it, and the more that I share it, the more I find purpose, meaning and happiness.
For me, embracing that there is no past and no future helped me to find "home".
I thought about the past…
I thought about regret and wishing…
And, I felt so very foreign.
I thought about the future…
The wishes that seemed so very much beyond my reach…
And, I felt so very foreign…
“Foreign” not necessarily culturally, but transient, unanchored, and unworthy.
I found home, not in the past nor in the future. I started to find home, when I started appreciating the present and the moments. I found home in fully owning the relationships that mattered.
I started finding my way home, when I started embracing the moment, my IS (the absolute truth) of my every moment, and understanding the difference between WANTING and WISHING.
Watching my boys grow into young men has been transformational.
The acknowledgement that they give me fuels me, and gives me a confidence like no other.
It’s ironic. I am supposed to be helping them find their strength. And, they have been so instrumental in helping me find mine.
Their trust, their respect, their needs, their lives in so many ways define me.
In part, I think it has to do with wanting to be true to them and do right by them. In wanting to give them a home, I have had to make a home for myself. And, in order to give them confidence and strength, it has forced me to find my own confidence and strength. I have always wanted them to believe in themselves… in the most authentic and unique version of themselves, and in order to deliver that to them, I have had to find it in myself. I wanted to find it in myself. And, I worked to find it in myself.
I often say that my wife loved me before I loved myself. Because I know she did. We have been together for 31 years last week! And, I have a feeling she's always known where home was... And, she has always respected that I had to find it for myself. I remember one day on her birthday somewhere around 10 or so years ago... I asked her if I could give her any present, what would she want? Her answer surprised me... I wish you loved yourself more... or a sentiment very close to those words.
My experience at work in the past decade has been so very close to the role that I always dreamt of having... and the response from so many of my colleagues has given me certain that the path I am on makes sense and brings value. Their affirmation fuels me.
I can now afford a bigger house, a nicer car… and somehow, that no longer seems like a priority nor a need… certainly not in this moment.
I do want to own and enjoy a different house at some point in my life, or a different car, but now I see so clearly that the material components of life are non essential. I don’t NEED a bigger home or nicer car. Those things will never give me real confidence nor worth nor value nor purpose... and when they do, they are placebos. They are simply things, tools, “worthless” in and of themselves… they are props… in and of themselves, they simply don’t MATTER.
They can be used and enjoyed, but they do not bring nor define joy... They will never take me home.
They can be a place or a vehicle where joy can happen, but what makes success and happiness possible has nothing to do with them… the things that make success and happiness happen… those are the things that matter… and those are the things that define home.
And what ultimately matters?
Knowing your purpose... matters.
Knowing your message... matters.
The interaction with the people around you matter.
The relationships with the people you love matter.
The moment you are in, and what you do with it... matters!
Those are the things that we must DRIVE to...
I try not to take things for granted.
As I drove home this morning from my son’s basketball game…
As I drive home so many days and nights … into my neighborhood…
I smile…
Deeply…
I remember in my heart driving into my friends' houses as a boy...
Wishing more than wanting so very much to own my own home…
I remember driving through their neighborhoods, happy but unworthy…
I remember driving to my house just a few years go and wishing I lived in a bigger home… happy but unworthy…
How very ungrateful...
I remember just years ago, feeling like nothing was ever enough… nothing was enough to make me feel like I belonged… nothing was enough to make me feel at home.
And, I don’t know exactly when that changed… but understanding the dynamics of HARMONY had EVERYTHING to do with it.
I am most grateful to finally be home… and "home" for me at least, is being in the most authentic and truest form of who I am…
The “discomfort” or sense of “not belonging” wasn’t about my physical house. I get that now. It was about a lack of comfort in my own skin. It was about not owning up to who I was. It was fear on some level of letting the world see me, or in some weird way of having me see myself.
I can't describe it exactly... I just knew deep in my heart I didn't belong HERE... wherever I was.
I wasn’t at home in my heart. I was too often full of guilt, regret, and wishing disharmony. I was too often in the past and in the future. I was to seldom in the now.
Harmony is about embracing the IS of who I am – IN THE MOMENT… And, that allows me to breathe and accept and be grateful.
The desire to be a better man in the future, as a result of understanding harmony, no longer makes me uncomfortable in the moment today. It used to.
The ability to acknowledge the value that I bring in this moment, doesn’t get lost in the need and desire that I have to bring more value tomorrow.
The things I did and the roles I played in my past that I wish I had done different, are no longer regrets but rather lessons. And, I don't expect to be perfect, so errors while undesirable are an acceptable part of my wake.
I own my home now… in that I own my heart, my message, my journey, and my purpose…
I own my imperfections. I accept them in the moment, and strive to improve upon them for the future.
I own my gratitude and do not let guilt rob me of my blessings.
I realize no amount of financial success, while helpful, ever guarantees our "home". All the material things that we earn can be lost... but NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM ME the certainty in my purpose nor the meaning in my life.
I still want for financial success... but not to define me, nor to give me real worth... I want it so that I can experience travel and have the independence to give my children and family some additional comfort. Financial success will never be my purpose nor my confidence... it's just gives me slightly greater access to the props that I can use or try to use to experience and enjoy some aspects of life more frequently.
Part of my desire is to be close to my family and friends, and financial stability makes coming together more possible, specially across larger distances and across continents.
Part of my desire is to give back to my community, and financial stability makes finding the time and making an impact a little more possible.
Financial success is not my purpose... but it does help to increase the logistics and the reality of helping and bringing people together and seeing the world.
Driving home, into my neighborhood, I smile deeply and gratefully…
Appropriately metaphorically, today my son was driving home as he is now learning how to drive and find home for himself.
Our house is currently in Ellicott City… but HOME is ultimately where my heart is… where my purpose is… where my harmony happens.
I have been driving home for 48 years… and I am there now, most often not all the time… I am home almost everywhere… and I invite all of you in always, not as guests but as friends and family… to come and share it and OWN it with me… My heart and door are always open ;-)
Ironically, part of being home is realizing that I don’t get to “own” anything except perhaps my legacy… that is defined by my message and my purpose… that lives in the hearts and minds of those we touch and with whom our journey’s cross…
We are all "renting" the material things we have here on earth ;-)
I don't know what happens after we die, but that is out there somewhere in the future.
I am am HOME in HARMONY!!! And living to impact the NOW of those I know and love.
And, I find harmony over and over in the vast majority of my moments…
I have spent my lifetime trying to find my home…
And ironically, it was always simply a “moment” away!!!
A moment of embracing my IS, focusing on the want and staying away from the wish...
Keep driving home always…
In every moment…
WELCOME HOME... IN HARMONY!
Nestor