One of the hardest aspects of achieving intimate harmony (that with parents, spouses, or children) is the need for us to not only accept, but embrace each others flaws, and not to try to change them.
There are some aspects of who we are that are hard coded into our beings.
Our pace.
Our desire.
Our attention to detail, or lack thereof.
What we care most about.
What we care least about.
Our ambition.
Our need for affection.
Our desire for wellness or strength.
That which we choose to be passionate about...
Those are things that tend to be if not hard coded, certainly deep in our coding.
It is so very difficult to accept and embrace those things about those closest to us, without wanting to alter them in some way.
Nothing changes until we decide to change it ourselves, and many of those things are not easily changed simply with a rational mind.
The day we embrace the uniqueness of each other. The day we agree to love each other unconditionally EMBRACING the truth of those differences that may rub us the wrong way... we reach a whole new kind of love.
As long as we love each other WISHING that those things were different - we love each other in disharmony.
I say this - and I have for so many years failed to embrace the absolute truth of my parents and my wife fully. Because we are different in some ways, it is human nature to want to ALIGN those differences with those most intimate to you. BUT WE CAN'T and WE WON'T, and MANY of THOSE DIFFERENCES are what DEFINE us and MAKE us who we are.
For whatever reason, I EMBRACE the absolute truth of my kids. At least, better than I do with almost anyone else in the world.
I think its maybe, because I know so very well, as a kid who has tried for nearly 50 years to be embraced by his parents, how much we LONG for our parents to LOVE us for exactly who we are - WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE US.
It's subtle. DON'T CHANGE ME... But, its ok to find something about me that you like and ask me to expand it ;-) Find a TRUTH about who I am, and make me EXPAND IT into your WANT. That I can do. But, don't ask me to be something I am not, to believe something I dont, to be someone I am not.
Because I have for a lifetime known what its like NOT to be embraced by my parents - I EMBRACE my children, not because I have to... but because I TRULY SEE THEM (or try to as best as I can). I see their uniqueness and their beauty and their abilities and their possibilities - and I want to find the many TRUTHS about who they are and water them and nurture them and FREE THEM so that they can be the most UNWAVERING and UNLEASHED version of themselves that they can possibly be...
I see so many parents who struggle with this... they try so hard to CHANGE who their children are... "for the better" of course. And, my heart hurts, because I KNOW... we can only change ourselves, and we can change ourselves most deliberately and quickly when the people in our world (AND MOST SPECIALLY OUR PARENTS) aren't trying to change us but embrace us.
Whether its an actor, or a singer, or a teacher, or an engineer, or WHATEVER is that they want to be... I want to help give them momentum... because when we believe in ourselves sincerely - we achieve greatness - and happiness.
My wife is a fantastic and loving woman and an amazing mother. She is different than I am in many ways, but its what drew us together and very likely what has held us together. I need to more fully embrace all that she is. I need to love her not more, but better than i do. Because she deserves it. Marriage is the hardest relationship of our lives, because it requires embracing each other as we do our kids and our parents... without the reality of being "one" by blood. I think the reality that we made our children, makes us feel like whatever they may be... we made them, so how could we not accept and embrace them. Our parents made us - they formed our DNA... so how could we not ultimately accept and embrace them (though we struggle with this one for a lifetime). Bur our spouse, we choose them... and it is our volition, our commitment, our choice to love them fully and forever. We are "one" intimate being, not by blood but by choice.... And, embracing ANYONE for a lifetime is difficult because we are all FLAWED... and our nature, for some reason, is to want to perfect those we are closest to...
My parents are unique and are the ones who gave me life. From good examples and bad examples - they defined me. I have gotten to a place where I think I am close to embracing them for exactly who they are. I have spent a lifetime wishing they were somehow different, specially with each other.
Not just ACCEPTING, but EMBRACING those we love, and heck, those we work with...
LOVING THEM FOR EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE... I know we've all heard that before...
But like so much else... life is simply about doing what the majority of books say to do.
Don't just accept me...
EMBRACE ME...
And, I promise you the greatest version of myself that you have ever known...
And, ironically... I will then introduce you to the greatest version of yourself that you have ever known...
Go figure. And, go embrace ;-)
HECK... if I could only figure out how do this for myself... meaning... embrace myself, love myself DESPITE my flaws... MAYBE THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE I AM FAILING THE MOST, and the reality that limits my ability to love others in the most embracing way...
The person that I try to change MOST... in "EVERY" moment is me. The person I am least accepting of their flaws... is ME! And that is why when those closest to me speak to my flaws, it is like touching an open wound... and I have never allowed my parents, nor my wife really, the normal room that people get to be critical... because I am so embarased of my own flaws... so intolerant of my own flaws... that I don't let many get close enough to poke at them...
THAT'S MY AREA... MY DOMAIN... They are too raw, too visible, too known for me to ignore.
And, it keeps me distant from those I love most...
Hmmm.... I think I am on to something. I didn't expect to end up here. This post wasn't supposed to be about me...
That's what I love about conversations... I love going on a journey in my mind and not knowing the destination.
Thank you for listening..
With LOVE and harmony,
Nestor