AWARDS NIGHT…
I amuse myself ;-)
I make little things into big things, and then back to little things.
A buddy of mine called last week inviting me to an outdoor concert. It sounded wonderful; great friends, good music, cool breeze…
YES!
I realized after booking it that I had also agreed to attend the Annual Board Meeting for our Soccer Association.
I double booked myself.
Sunday, it was time to figure out our schedule for the week. I sent an email to my contact at the soccer association, telling her that I had a conflict and would not be able to attend the soccer meeting. Felt right!
Turns out, they were honoring me with Coach of the Year. It made me smile. It was an honor worth being present for, so I opted out of the concert. My contact at the soccer association said “invite your family and your friends and your team.”
I had a lot of mixed feelings;
- regret about missing the concert with great friends (wishing disharmony)
- just felt wrong to invite people to my own award night… “Hey, look how great I am…” Bleh…
- At the same time, the award meant a lot to me. I love coaching. I think about it often. I have coveted this award in years past seeing others win it.
- Lost in the thought… Why is this award important to me? Why does it matter?
- Should I ask my boys?
- NOTE: I even feel arrogant sharing the award, as I re-read this post… but I truly share it not to tell you about the award, but about the silliness in my head around it.
There was alot of mental distraction.
The feeling that seemed to linger though was, WHY DOES THIS AWARD MATTER TO ME?
I don’t know that I have a good answer.
Having been part of several “award selection groups”, I know how informal and imperfect some of the award selection processes can be.
As I get older, I realize that one of the things that is most important and most valuable to me is integrity. And, on some level, I struggle with the integrity of many awards that are given.
So… “Coach of the year”… La Ti Da…
What does it mean?
In this case, I suspect it was a quick and easy, “Nestor’s a good guy. Haven’t had many issues with him ever since he broke that kids leg (long story). His kids seem happy. He has been coaching for 10 years. We haven’t had a lot of issues with him. He seems to be reasonably engaged and a positive influence. How about Nestor…? “ok”…
I suspect the board had some kind of conversation like that.
And, I am grateful for it.
I am grateful that they have allowed me to coach for 10 years.
While it’s a volunteer position, coaching at the select level takes getting selected and its not a given to get it year over year.
So, I am definitely grateful that they have selected me again and again.
I am grateful that through the process that they have, that the impression that I have made was positive enough, that my name would come up in that conversation.
I am grateful that for years to come, my name will be on the website as “coach of the year 2015”…
PAUSE on that…
Why is that one important? What does being acknowledged mean to me?
Truth is – I know I care about the kids something fierce. I know I work deliberately to be a constructive and positive force on my teams. I know they don’t all fully get it. I know I have some parents that are so very grateful for my efforts. And, I love all of that.
Why does getting a certificate matter?
If the certificate was somehow voted on by all of the players or families of SAC, it would mean a lot more. If they somehow had the time and energy to poll all of the players and see which coaches had an influence on the players and my name came out of that stack… I would be so very full of pride.
And, expecting anyone to do that kind of work in a volunteer organization is naïve. They themselves are all holding down day jobs. I am just too ambitious in my expectations for the integrity I seek to make myself proud.
I can also argue that many of those things indirectly need to be the case for me to coach for 10 years, with 6 or 7 at the select level, for parents to have been as consistently supportive as they have been, for players to be willing to come back…
So, why does the award matter?
In my heart of hearts, I know how much my players and parents appreciate me. I know how much my son appreciates me. I don’t need any piece of paper to verify that.
The only conclusion that I can come up with is – it strokes my ego.
Any ounce of consideration beyond gratitude is EGO. This post should be considered EGO, if not for how silly and childish I feel about the entire thing.
It makes me feel a little more acknowledged and worthy, and while I think that is fundamentally true, I don’t want to be that guy. And, I also don’t want to be ungrateful to those wonderful people who are giving me the award.
How can something mean so little and at the same time mean so much?
As, I thought about the award and being a coach... it brought back so many memories. It transported me back to sitting on the curb waiting for my dad to come pick me up from practice. It made me remember how badly I wanted to be that kid whose dad took the time to coach, that kid who got to share the experience of soccer and being on a team with his dad. I envied those kids and those dads. My father was extremely critical of my team. I loved soccer. I loved my team. I wanted it to be different.
Getting to this place where I am about to retire coaching soon, probably.
It makes me smile deeply to know just how different my life is today, and that I am close to being that dad... I would have liked... at least on the soccer field.
(I know – I’m nuts)…
So, I went to the awards ceremony last night, and kind of wished I was out in the breeze listening to music with my wife and my friends, except for one thing…
My son came with me. We held hands and rested our heads on each other as we listened and smiled at the very lightly attended event. We sat and smiled and laughed. When my name was called, I went up and got my piece of paper. I could see my son was proud.
And, I know he is proud of me anyway. He is lovely in that he often tells me so. But, I knew that somehow, for some reason, this just added one more thing to the pride list.
Maybe all of this rant is me overthinking life and moments.
I know that its me struggling with my ego.
It’s ok.
I am touched the board thought of me.
It doesn’t change anything.
I do what I do because it’s who I am.
While there are goals and awards for many aspects of my life, it’s not what motivates me.
When acknowledged. I will be grateful. Just grateful. Leave it at that. Anything more is ego.
REWARDS are so much more fulfilling than AWARDS…
And, the greatest reward of being a coach is feeding off the energy of some fine young men, and helping them see a little sliver of their own potential.
I always dreamt of being a kid whose dad was coach… who took the time to get on the field and share the experience of being on a team.
I was never that kid… but I am ever so grateful to be that dad.
The best part of the night, was being with my son.
And, the sheet of the paper on the stool, under the stack, is an award, that makes me smile, that makes me remember… what a great experience its been to be his coach, and the coach of my other two sons, and to be the coach of about 100 great kids.. and to have become, at least in this aspect, that dad, that I always would have wanted…
Gratitude… Leave it at that!
I need to leave my EGO at home as I head to the field!
It’s game time… plane is leaving,
Nestor