I have written a few conversations and just swept them under the rug... they feel too long... to random... to all over the place...
This one I wrote yesterday and swept it under the rug, and then thought... my head is where it is... you get to decide if it makes any sense or not...
Have a great week!
Last week at my son’s soccer game one of our boys attacking the other goal was taken down in a rather aggressive way.
“Where’s the foul? Come on ref? The kids are going to hurt themselves out there!” one of the father’s yelled.
The ref had already blown his whistle, but parents seem to think “inhaling” is not an ok thing for refs to do prior to blowing the play dead.
Then when the whistle was blown, the father yelled, “where’s the card?” “This Ref is terrible!”
The play wasn’t that bad. It was a foul.
What surprised me was that a few plays earlier, one of our players had taken down one of their players in a similar way. The opposing player was hurt on the field. The ref blew his whistle and this same father had yelled,
“WHAT? That wasn’t a foul! He’s not hurt!”, then
“Come on GET UP”, (speaking to the boy on the ground)…
“That’s a terrible call! Let them play!”
Those may not be the EXACT words, but pretty darn close.
I watch soccer, not that I am not coaching, and while I try not to let things bother me, I can’t stand the difference in parent’s approach to how they see the game.
It’s not a phenomenon unique to our team.
Every time one of our players goes down most parents gasp and yell, and typically yell louder if no call is made. (It’s a contact game and kids fall, and referees are human).
When the other team players fall, no one on our team gasps or yells, and if a call is made you often hear some form of “what? That’s not a foul!”
We were discussing this at dinner and my older son asks me,
“Dad, why does it bother you so much? People can say what they want!”
Then yesterday, I took my youngest son to lunch at a very good little deli down the streets and the sign on the soda machine said, “Free refills, except for Yankees Fans!”
Funny… I smiled. Amusing…
Then I looked around the deli. Six to eight large TVs hung on the walls of this small deli, and all blasting football, soccer, or highlights from other sports.
The wall paper in the Deli had pictures of Muhamad Ali, Ripken, Theisman, Murray… pictures of sport figures, and magical moments lined the walls…
I realized why the parents’ screams bother me…
This is what is wrong with America, I thought…
America has a competitive spirit gone wrong, and the abundance and over-saturation of sport in every nook and cranny of our lives has turned what I believe was (and remains) one of the greatest character traits of the United States, into one of our greatest liabilities.
As a coach for over a decade, I liked to win. It feels so much better than losing.
But, my rallying cry to our team was always, “It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, give ‘em hell… give’ em all you’ve got… and if we do that – be proud. And, if we show up everyday and work harder than the day before, we are most likely to win more than we lose.”
Winning is awesome, but it’s not “about” winning.
I know saying that sounds so wrong, but I am convinced it is true. I feel un-American in just saying those words.
At least, it’s not about winning in the way that we typically define winning. It’s not about always scoring more goals than the other team. It’s about developing yourself, collaborating with those around you, to help everyone get better (even the other team)… and through that process of exertion of dedication… celebrating the individual exchanges (games) that test us, challenge us, develop us…
Our desire for winning has become so absolute, that anything that stands in the way of it becomes “wrong”…
The other team becomes “inferior” in some way.
Instead of a worthy and respected opponent.
The referee becomes an “obstacle” to overcome toward victory.
Instead of a dedicated adult who is dedicating time out of necessity or graciousness to help our kids learn how to play a sport.
HOW OFTEN do you hear parents (and as a result players) blame the ref in a material way for the result of a game?...
THINK ABOUT IT…
I have coached nearly 400 games in the last 15 years and I can recall one game in which the ref’s probably decided the outcome, and the reason the ref affected the game was because they were 13 and the opposing coach berated him so loudly from the sideline that the referee changed his call on a penalty kick.
We don’t see what we don’t see.
We don’t see our bias.
We don’t see how deeply imbedded our desire to win has become.
We don’t see how one sided our perspective of the game has gotten.
And, everywhere we turn, we see more and more and more sport.
I love sports. And, honestly, I love sports because of how they help us grow and learn… how they’ve helped me grow and learn… how they inspire me to be better, stronger, smarter… tougher.
And, I believe sports are one of the things that has made America great…
And, it worries me… the path that sports puts us on today…
I think its feeding culture and society in a negative way…
The desire to “WIN” has overflowed from sport into life.
The desire to be “RIGHT” has locked arms with the desire to “WIN”…
The feeling and the CONCLUSION that anything that stands in the way of my WINNING must be WRONG
Is so hurting our country and the development of our youth.
As parents, as adults, we must be the voice of reason.
The kids… the world looks at our collective voice to steer us in the right direction.
Listen to the narrative… is the world full of “winners” and “losers”? Or, is the world full of loving, caring people all trying to learn, grow and live peaceful and happy lives?
Sport, is just one of the stages, that life offers us to grow, to learn, to experience ourselves…
And, to feel the thrill of winning and the pain of losing…
Maybe I am the one that is wrong… maybe the history of the world is defined by a majority that defines winning and life by the number of people that are “wrong”, that are “losers”, that are “obstacles” on their path toward winning…
That is one of the reasons that I struggle with religion…
Maybe I am blowing this one father’s comments so far out of proportion…
Maybe I am not…
I look at our election and to me our desire to WIN has reached an unprecedented levels…
The ability to not see what is in front of us truly instills fear in me for our long term…
Whether it’s the ref on your son’s soccer field,
Or your candidate’s opponent on television,
Or your colleague at work competing for the same position,
Or the company that competes against you in the market…
I am convinced, life is about GROWING not about WINNING…
It’s about developing our minds as we develop our muscles…
It’s about expanding our hearts as we better understand people around us….
It’s about EMPATHY not APATHY…
Ultimately, I don’t care if a parent yells here and there… no one call, no one game, no one parent is going to change this massive cultural wave that is nearing the shore…
And yet, each voice is one more
It’s a FINE LINE…
I believe what made America great – was our resilience, our passion, our willingness to tolerate pain for a cause, our perseverance to never give up, our ability to see a more objective perspective than most other cultures… to maintain greater balance… to work harder, try harder, and not to blame, but to do…
It’s a FINE LINE…
Winning IS more fun than losing…
We just need to re-think what winning means, and make sure we are all playing the long game…
And, we all need to realize it’s not a game at all…
Today as I go back to the soccer game, I will enjoy watching my son work hard on the field.
I will cheer him on… and I will be grateful for the referee and for the beautiful day…
Winning is more fun than losing…
And we’re going to win today regardless of the score…
I see the connection between things... I see how one parent's comments at a soccer game slowly flow into one country's divisive mindset, into a population with cognitive bias, into one culture's dangerous slide...
And, I can't help but get concerned...
I want to be one of the ones pushing us back up against the tide...
Towards harmony...
Nestor