A friend of mine was talking to me about his son the other day, “He is a completely different person now that he broke up with his girlfriend.”
He sounded surprised.
I could so relate… to his son.
I feel myself different with different people…
Am I different with different people…
I know I feel different on the inside, perhaps sometimes that “difference” is also apparent to the outside world.
Why is that?
RELATIONSHIPS are MIRRORS
"Tell me more..." he said. And, I tried as best as I could to share my imcomplete thougths... but the thought lingered.
RELATIONSHIPS are MIRRORS.
I believe we see a reflection of ourselves in relationships,
And we LOVE the reflection that we see in ourselves with certain people,
And we HATE the reflection that we see in ourselves with others.
Maybe it’s a reflection,
Maybe it’s just a feeling,
But who we are with reflects how we feel, and thus reflects how we act…
And defines, in many ways, who we ARE when we are with them.
It has something to do with my conversation from yesterday –
“There are some people who give life with what they say and do, and there are some that take it away.”
But, that’s not ALL of it.
I have run into my life into people who are not attempting to TAKE life from me in every moment, but end up doing so.
Hmmm…
I believe both people “TAKE life” and we are “UGLY versions” of ourselves when we are in disharmony – when we are wishing things weren’t what they are – when we were wishing we weren’t who we are in that moment.
This is complicated.
Let me try to make it simpler.
When I feel fat and like I have let myself go – I get angry and feisty. I very often have that feeling when I am with my wife, because I want to feel great with her. I want her to see me in my very best form. So, if I am feeling fat, and I am spending time with my wife, I often am an uglier version of myself.
I am conscious of all of the things that I have NOT done in my role as leader of a company. I very often have that feeling with I am with one of my colleagues that is extremely demanding and critical. I know that despite his occasional brashness and selfishness, he speaks to real issues that we have as a company. When I am with him, I am extremely aware of all that I have not done to lead the company well, and I am an uglier version of myself.
I have felt a lot of guilt as a son. Some deserved, some not so much. I feel it now as I vacation in a beautiful place while my father is home (kind-of alone) for the holidays in Peru. When I am with my family here on vacation, that feeling of guilt is in my head and heart, and it makes me shorter tempered and feisty.
You see there are TWO elements that create our reflection in the mirror…
US and the mirror (or US and the person we are relating with…)…
All of the things that I said above are true. I have gained some weight. I have failed to do things as a leader of the company that I could have and should have… those qualities are REAL and TRUE.
And, it is ALSO true that I am still strong and in better shape than I’ve been for most of my adult life, and that there are many things that as a leader of the company I HAVE done well in my role.
WHAT DO I SEE IN THE MIRROR? WHICH VERSION OF MYSELF REFLECTS BACK?
That is were PEOPLE matter… THAT IS WERE PEOPLE TRULY ARE OUR MIRRORS…
Because SOME PEOPLE help me see the part of me that is committed to getting stronger and is still strong… and some people help me see the part of me that leads with great intent and fairly decent results.
I am not looking for the “MIRROR HOUSE”… where mirrors reflect back ARTIFICIAL views of ourselves that can be amusing. I am not looking for praise, and certainly not for ANY kind of exaggerated compliment.
I think it is human to look in mirrors to see how we “look” (and there are mirrors we don’t realize that we check-in on to see how we “feel”).
It’s human and it’s generally HEALTHY…
And, it’s wisdom that lets us understand that THE REFLECTION that we SEE AFFECTS US, our behavior, our happiness.
And, it’s wisdom that let’s us understand that the REFLECTION that we see is BOTH WHO WE MAY BE, and HOW WE MAY BE SEEN.
So, it’s not easy.
1. ARTIFICIAL REFLECTIONS: We have to know enough to know when people are REFLECTING back artificial images of who we are – and be very careful with those people… Especially if they are reflecting back negative images, but also artificially positive ones - I would argue that we should STAY AWAY from those people if they are in ANY position of power over us.
2. REFLECTING BACK THE CRITICAL: When we find that people are REFLECTING back the critical, the negative – we must decide… is it a FAIR reflection? Whether it’s coming from my own bias of perspective, or from the person’s… IF IT IS THE “IS”, then I need to decide how I move that into my WANT… and separately if this person is someone that I want to spend more time with than I have to…
3. REFLECTING BACK THE STRENGTHS: When we find that people are REFLECTING back the positive, the strengths in us – we must also decide… IS IT A FAIR reflection? IF IT IS the “IS”, then how do I OWN it more, improve upon it, and share it more uniquely and authentically with the world.
Point being… RELATIONSHIPS are MIRRORS… and they affect us, they affect how we behave, and they affect who we are when we are with them.
NOTICE which reflections create disharmony in your heart, and RESOLVE those…
RESOLVE THOSE by choosing to see ALL of you in their MIRROR, not just the critical you…
RESOLVE THOSE by choosing to confront THEIR behaviors, comments or inferences that are unfair or incomplete…
OR, if you must RESOLVE those by MINIMIZING or MOVING ON from those MIRRORS…
Ultimately,
harmony is embracing the “IS”
and you want the relationships in your life
that LET YOU SEE YOU…
in both CRITICAL and ACCEPTING light…
you want the RELATIONSHIPS in your LIFE
that make you THRILLED to embrace the “IS”,
That help you SEE the things to “WANT” for…
AND, make you BELIEVE that you CAN and WILL achieve the WANT…
YOU SEE, the WISDOM IN LIFE…
TELLS US SO CLEARLY…
THAT WE WANT MIRRORS IN OUR LIFE
THAT DON’T JUST REFLECT BACK WHO WE ARE…
BUT REFLECT BACK…
WHO WE CAN BECOME...
I want the "mirrors" in my life who help me see, REAL, POWERFUL & BETTER versions of myself!
The ones who help me KNOW that's possible.
Those are the ones who affect my feelings, my behavior and WHO I am when I am with them...
Those are the ones who PROPEL me with a full heart toward my WANT...
Ah… THOSE RELATIONSHIPS…
THOSE PEOPLE…
Those are the ones I SEEK…
THOSE are the ones I WANT…
Those are the most powerful “givers” of life…
Those are the ones I protect with all of my being…
Those are the ones…
In harmony,
Nesto