This is one of those concepts that is simple & powerful...
I was talking to one of my coaches / mentors the other day who runs our "CEO" group and I said to him...
"I am struggling with the return that I am getting on this group. I am concerned that I am not getting enough out of the time that I am investing."
He was very calm. I realize that although he is my "mentor", he has something to lose financially if I leave the group... So, I am always watching for the answer to see if I can detect to what level he leads with rationality, with ego, or with insecurity or concern.
He consistently impresses me...
Without missing a beat, he says to me (and again, this is what I heard - I am certain that these are not the words he used), "Nestor, you think small and you evaluate small... too granular."
As soon as he started speaking - he set my mind off... I am fairly certain that I suffer from ADHD.
Because I believe in HARMONY....
Because I believe that we ONLY exist in the MOMENT...
Because I am trying to ACHIEVE HARMONY in every moment...
I am "MOMENT" focused...
And, that is not serving me well in this regard.
When I look to justify, rationalize, embrace, or evaluate something - I tend to do it in the moment...
I look for EACH CEO Group meeting to justify itself.
I look for EVERY interaction in a relationship to justify itself.
I look for EVERY thought, EVERY action, EVERY detail to have integrity and value by itself...
And, so much of life...
So much of what is most valuable in life needs to be evaluated LESS in the moment, and more in the TOTALITY of it....
I understood this, on some level, but IT FELT SO VERY CLEAR AND SO VERY DANGEROUS... this trait of mine...
This is the behavior that makes me so insatiable.
This is the behavior that makes my mind race endlessly.
This is the behavior that makes me so intimidating to some people.
The DESIRE to FIND VALUE in EVERY MOMENT is not only exhausting, and likely unrealistic, but it is SHORT SIGHTED and INEFFICIENT.
Imagine if you are being evaluated in every situation... that creates a constant pressure... it becomes an expectation of perfection (which is so very far from the person that I want to be).
I am the ultimate OXYMORON... I am completely comfortable with imperfection (or so I proclaim), and yet I evaluate every interaction that I have against perfection in every moment? HUH???
I think about my relationship at home with my family. I do better with my kids than I do with my wife, or myself. I don't know why that is...
This is the mindset that causes me:
angst when I am relaxing (why am I not working out?)
angst during the weekends (trying to get a return on time for personal connectedness and professional progress)
to buy and attempt to read every intelligent book that I hear about
to be so intolerant of lapses in leadership... in word selection, in tone...
to envy those people who simply TRUST or BELIEVE in something...
to seek refuge and escape in sleep...
One of my favorite people at work - whom I have worked with for a long time tells me, "Vistage is a way of life for me. I love it and I want to do it always!"
WOW - I am SO JEALOUS of that type of certainty and commitment.
One of my favorite people from one of my old CEO groups who has been very successful used to say to me... "I can't tell you exactly what I get out of each meeting. Sometimes, I can't point to a single thing. But, over time, I am better because of it. I am smarter. I understand more. And, I know its worth it."
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW... I felt that... Vistage was AMAZING for me. It was INCREDIBLY IMPERFECT. I know that I "wasted" a fair amount of time... But, it also importantly helped me grow so incredibly. It helped me understand myself. It was a key dynamic that forced me to put HARMONY into words and gave me the first opportunity to share it with a few hundred leaders and CEOs... It got me to go away with my wife to some beautiful places... It introduced me to people who I will treasure forever, and some whom I will seek out forever as lifelong friends...
And, yet...
Every third Thursday of every month... I would walk into the meeting wondering if this was worth my time. If the value form this Thursday would justify the investment of my time. And, possibly instead of squeezing every bit of value from the day... and find the ultimate inspiration... I spent time trying to justify and rationalize my decision.
It certainly makes sense to EVALUATE things... I am not saying to walk blindly and ignorantly through life... but I could and SHOULD evaluate things OVER GREATER TIME... OVER MORE OF THEIR TOTAL VALUE... NOT in every detail in every moment on every ocassion.
I need to explore this concept...
What relationships, what books, what mindsets should I simply embrace and celebrate...
What should I SIMPLY GIVE MYSELF TO... COMMIT TO... without putting it through my eternal microscope?
How much MORE could I be enjoying life... optimizing life and myself... by COMMITTING to things instead of constantly trying to improve upon things?
What aspects of myself, my business, my loved ones, my colleagues... should I be COMMITTING to in TOTALITY.... EMBRACING in TOTALITY... and RELINQUISING the GRANULARITY?
How do I balance my awareness of EVERY moment with my DESIRE to FEEL and LIVE LIFE in its TOTALITY?
I don't know the answer exactly...
But, I do know that the way that I have shown up has created real disharmony in myself and in those around me...
This is a new TRUTH for me to leverage into a BIGGER WANT...
The truth is that my desire to CREATE ultimate VALUE has made me short-sighted to the TOTAL value of critically important aspects of my life...
MY WANT is to FIND HARMONY, to be AWARE of MOMENTS, but NOT TO EVALUATE everything in every moment...
MY WANT is to COMMIT to those people and those things and those ways of thinking that I KNOW will not only SERVE me well, but CHALLENGE me appropriately and GROW me and FILL me over time!
Life is a dance...
Life is a conversation...
We will say thing we regret...
We will ocassionally stumble over our own feet...
but, I WANT TO DANCE FREE... AND WILD... AND HAPPY...
I want to be COMMITTED to the things I know deserve my commitment...
AND, I AM WORTHY of committing to...
That is part of it...
DO I TRUST MYSELF enough to commit?
DO I TRUST MYSELF to be right?
DO I TRUST MYSELF to be wrong?
DO I TRUST that I AM WORTHY ENOUGH NOT TO JUSTIFY MYSELF IN EVERY MOMENT?
It comes down to that...
I must STOP judging and evaluating myself in EVERY moment,
to be able to afford others the same graciousness... the same love... the same opportunity.
And, I will do better...
Because now I understand a more total truth...
And, I see my short-sightness...
And, I am embracing and living toward a new and bigger want...
A more TOTAL want...
I don't know the full answer yet...
But, I will TRUST the TOTALITY of this idea... and this possibility.
We must be mindful of the level of granularity in which we seek a "return on investment" because the size of our investment will correlate to the time frame of the evaluation period.
I CANNOT ACHIEVE GREATNESS by evaluating every moment...
I must achieve greatness by LIVING every moment... GIVING myself fully to the concepts, the relationships, the visions that compel me... and, only over time should I look up and around, and wonder whether I am doing a fair job...
of DANCING...
of LIVING...
of HARMONY
Yours in it... Albeit perhaps a bit too granularly,
Nestor