I have come so very far with my father...
And, I think this may be as far as I get.
I love him...
I see him...
I appreciate him...
I respect him...
And, I work really hard not to be like him...
And, all of that is ok.
We are different people.
It's taken me a lifetime to embrace all of that.
My father defaults to distrust... I to TRUST.
My father defaults to victimization... I to SELF EMPOWERMENT.
My father defaults to egocentricity... I to MAKING AN IMPACT TO THE WORLD AROUND ME.
My father values appearances... I value INTEGRITY.
My father values lineage... I value accomplishment.
My father values titles... I value contribution.
My father values knowledge... I value wisdom.
I am NOT better than my father, I just choose a different set of cards in playing my hand at life... the set of cards that I believe will grant me a more joyful and productive journey.
This morning, I laid in bed with him, and he says to me, "I bought your mother that rubik circonium, every time she wore it, everyone thought it was a real diamond. It was beautiful." (Disclaimer: My dad bought my mom some beautiful jewelry most of which was very real and lovely).
He walks around proud to wear his Rolex imitation watch, not because he is thrifty, but because he tells me, "Everyone thinks its real."
That is a huge part of our value difference.
I think much less about what other people think about me, I think much more about how I make other people feel.
I don't need nor find pleasure in people thinking I am wearing or can afford a huge diamond, if its a rubic circonia. I'd rather people see me with a real Timex than a fake Rolex. NOT because there is anything wrong with a fake Rolex or a Timex, it's just pretending to be something it's not.
I just value deeply that things are what they are... people are who they are... And, when they are, then they are beautiful.
I don't want to pretend
in any aspect of my life...
It's just not who I am...
I love my father... and I look like him... and I hope I inherit his health... and I aspire to his hope and his appetite for life...
And, I am NOT my father. And that is something I now know and accept and rejoice...
I am me...
And, I am happy with me...
Always working on a better version of me...
And, I want to be here for him when he needs me...
And, I will no longer try to change him...
And, I will no longer resist his efforts to continue to try to change me... because I realize they are powerless on me...
I will see him,
for who I know that he is...
A man who has loved his children and his wife as best as he has possibly been able to love us... generously & fully & with courage...
And, I will love him and be grateful for him...
And...
I will be ME.
And, importantly,
I now accept that because of who he is, he will NEVER see me fully, for who I am...
For what I believe makes me worthy as a human being...
Yet, he will still love me...
And, I will still love him...
And, ironically, I will never see him, nor love him, for the things he wishes so desperately I valued in him...
And, that is life.
In harmony,
Nestor