So, back to our conversation about the
pursuit of JOY.
I am starting again with the premise that our "pursuit of JOY" is the core of our essence, of our motivation, of our being.
That being the case, our desire for JOY influences everything in our lives...
it influences
HOW WE THINK
about everything!
And, those relationships, or those aspirations, or those things that we most covet or care about are the ones MOST affected.
There are very few relationships, if any, that take precedent to our children.
I see so much disharmony when it comes to parent-child relationships.
We just had a passionate debate about this topic a week ago with some dear friends.
What happens when our "pursuit of JOY" requires or includes a vision of our children - that does not reflect their own vision for joy? Or, possibly more appropriately, doesn't reflect or jive with their vision of JOY, RIGHT NOW?
When our children are little, they embrace our vision for JOY in the short and long term. When they are "dependent", they follow us. They find comfort in us. And, we are smart enough to be able to navigate their short term needs (i.e. Cherrios, Barney, a hug, a nap, a toy that squeaks...). We can "manipulate" or "satisfy" their needs for joy and generally achieve harmony.
As they grow, the teenage years represent the beginning of a parallel pursuit of joy. We paint a vision for them of behavior, college, life for them that we then bolt on to our own personal vision for joy. Our vision of joy includes whatever vision we have created of them... becoming intertwined.
That is where the challenge begins... when our children push against - either in their actions or behaviors or words - against the vision we have for them, in whatever way... it puts our own "joy" at risk...
And, vice a versa...
I believe "independence" from parents requires children to define for themselves their own "vision for joy". Part of the challenge is that it can be overwhelming to define, to start, to figure out. And, our brains as parents are in a different state of maturity. The other part of the challenge, and possibly the more difficult one, is that we have a lot more data / experiences in our brains about the process. Out of love and concern, we want to help them bypass the difficult parts, the errors, the challenges.
"Here is what you should do..."
When our children start to attempt to define their own vision, I believe it is paramount to give them some room - to respect their own process. And, we still have a responsibility to keep them safe and to "help them" make smart decision.
Some children are more willing than others to heed our advice. I think birth order and genetics play a big role.
We want our children to challenge the status quo, to think for themselves... except, at times when we want to give them the "right answers".
Teenage years are a difficult time - a tug-a-war for control.
My most important goal is to keep them safe and to help shape their thinking with the right values... to make sure they feel autonomy... they feel unconditional love... they feel worthy of their own life...
The truth is as our children approach adulthood - it becomes really difficult to demand behavior, we must request behavior... And, this becomes harder and harder as they reach full independence, and as their decisions carry more and more consequence to their futures.
I believe deep in my core that we are all fully responsible for our own lives. Unfortunately, "adulthood" and "maturity" doesn't magically appear at "18 years old".
The greater the level of respect we build with our kids - the larger the window that we can influence their behavior...
It is a dance, at times a dangerous dance, at times a scary dance... but an exciting and amazing dance we do with our children, alternating who is leading...
... until they take the wheel fully - hopefully navigating themselves forward in a healthy and constructive and happy way...
I know this journey is different for fathers than it is for mothers... and certainly very different for children...
Over time - the children then want to help navigate the parents lives - and the equilibrium eventually shifts..
From parents in full control,
to parents in shared control,
to parents in influencial and marginal control,
to parents in no real control...
to children sharing parents control...
to children in full control of their parents lives...
All the way along
each of us
pursuing joy...
All the way along striving for a respectful, understanding and caring love...
to keep our children
and then our parents
safe...
and I would argue...
in harmony ;-)
Nestor