So this is my last conversation on the pursuit of joy for a while.
I could keep at it,
but there is so much more to discuss.
Marriage is the most important relationship in the pursuit of JOY...
Except, of course, other than the relationship we have with ourselves.
The pursuit of joy is our most primal motivator as human beings. We just start to understand this,
and then we get married ;-)
Accepting the importance of the pursuit of joy in our lives is essential in our ability to productively and effectively relate to other human beings.
In most cases no other human being in our lives is more affected by our pursuit of joy than our spouse. And, typically, no other human being has as much potential influence over our joy as our spouse. No pressure ;-)
You’ve heard the expression “happy wife, happy life!” There is truth in that, but the full truth is “happy wife, happy husband, happy life.” ;-)
I would classify marriage into three buckets (love my threes). In one, we are artists painting the same painting together each with our own brush. In two, we are artists painting our own paintings side by side. In three, we are in each other’s way, taking each other’s brush, stealing each other’s inspiration.
1. ALIGNED TO JOY
These are the marriages were both partners share a common vision for and pursuit of joy. In this scenario both spouses are ideally supporting, encouraging and enabling joy for each other. This is what I believe we all want and actually expect (thought it is not often verbalized).
I love the quote by unknown that goes something like,
"Being in love is not about running to each other arms wide open, but rather holding hands and running in the same direction." So very true!
Yes, there should be JOY in each other. But, I would argue much of the joy we find in our spouse is born of the reality that they share our path and passion for joy. It comes from the support they have and give for our mutual JOY in life. (We will come back to this).
I don't mean to be cynical, but I see this scenario truly being the case in fewer than 10% of the marriages I have known (and that's being generous).
2. PARALLEL JOY
This is a dangerous choice, and more common with the first.
I will find happiness on my own (i.e. I go to the gym, I hang out with my friends, I watch my own shows, I have a vision for my own joy and my spouse isn't a part of that vision). And the spouse has their own. We are just "sharing the kids and the house and some friends" along the way ;-)
This can work - but usually doesn't. It leads occasionally to "happy" people, but in most cases the marriage has resentment because I believe we all want and expect to share our joy and live in joy with our life partner. And, when we don’t – we tend to blame them (not ourselves).
Perhaps at one time when marriage was more a practical relationship to breed children, work the farm and share assets and familial lines - parallel joy was more than enough. When we lived in a patriarch society when one partner mattered more than the other – maybe it worked. I doubt it – I think people just put up with it.
But, in the world today – we have more and expect more. We seek greater enlightenment, greater meaning and a more equal partnership in marriage. We have the luxury to pursue meaning and purpose and the greatest love and joy we can create... parallel joy leaves too much on the table – it leaves possibly the greatest joy of all on the table – sharing our lives and our joy deeply and intimately with one person above all others.
From my very scientific study (ha) – I would say 20 - 30% of relationships tend to play here.
3. OBSTRUCTIONS TO JOY
As I write, I am truly inspired by these thoughts – though they may sound cynical. I believe that if we thought more about these things – we would achieve greater harmony In our lives and in our marriages.
If you are a math person, you’ve already concluded that this “OBSTRUCTIONS TO JOY” category is 60 – 70% of marriages. Before you roll your eyes at me, remember this fact… 50% of marriages end in divorce. Which of these three categories do you think the vast majority of divorces would fall? Are you still rolling your eyes? WHY do 50% of marriages end in divorce? And, why are so many of the ones left less than satisfying?
Because, in this most common scenario…
Spouses SEE each other as OBSTRUCTIONS to JOY!
What do you do with obstructions? You either get rid of them, or you sit in front of them and complain. Know any marriages like this?
We have a vision of joy for ourselves that frames our “pursuit” and our spouse is not only not helping us make it real – they are getting in the way.
In this scenario spouses tend to make each other feel smaller than they are, not larger. They use guilt to try to coerce the other to fall in line with what they seek for joy. In simple terms, it could be one spouse wants to live on the shore and the other one likes the city. One is ambitious and defines joy by achievement and the other is not. One is into their physical being – fitness, mindfulness and the other one doesn’t value that. One is materialistic and defines joy by buying things and the other is not. One is affectionate and defines joy by touch and the other one does not. There are countless ways that we all define joy – and it is easy to have meaningful misses in our vision of joy – that distances spouses and then leads to resentment and then leads to obstruction. “If I can’t be happy then you sure as heck can’t either.” People don’t say this out loud. Some may not even admit to saying it in their heads – but it happens.
Achieving joy is a hard enough task without having someone working against you (beyond yourself of course ;-)
Here is the irony, or the sad part about this scenario… so very often, we become an obstruction to joy because we BLAME our spouse, instead of ourselves for our lack of joy! Our spouse is right next to us. If I am not happy, I don’t like the way it feels. I don’t like the way feeling responsible for it feels. And, heck, here you are right next to me. Why aren’t you doing more to help me? In fact, you are part of the reason why I am not happy. And soon, you are the whole reason why I am not happy. Not true and not fair – but I am certain this happens, and happens often.
And, as you know, life happens in the moment. Often the “obstructions” to joy are not massive or material – they are momentary. We become obstructions in sound bytes… It’s in what we say, or don’t say. How we respond or don’t respond to our spouses that either supports their pursuit of joy or obstructs it. It isn’t just what we say or don’t… it’s how we say it.
HECK – it’s hard! If we are motivated at our core by joy and the pursuit of joy - then every request our spouse makes is a request for joy. Where should we go to dinner? Can you be home by 5? Can we watch a show together? What are you doing?
Even the very simple “HOW ARE YOU?”…
for me when my wife answers with happiness and light… I am JOYFUL. Because her happiness is a very important part of the joy I seek in life, and consider myself at least partially responsible for… when my wife answers with concern and heaviness… it is not joyful. And, that’s not fair… TO HER! She gets to be who she is and feel as she feels and she gets to respond as she wants! So, she may be having a tough day and her response triggers defensiveness from me, and now she is less joyful because she thinks I don’t care about her joy, or about her problems… do you see this dynamic?
Often its much more obvious than that – and spouses are very explicit about disliking each other or each other’s behavior. Sometimes it’s more subtle.
If we accept that we seek joy in all that we do and all that we are, then our mission in marriage should be to help our spouse find joy in as many moments as possible… and do all that we can to share in that joy… and in that pursuit of more – that aligns us – binds us – and if both of us do it, ultimately makes us ONE!
Remember, life and Harmony happens in moments. Truth is in our marriages we spend time in ALL three of these scenarios. The question is, are we conscious in each moment where we are? Are we deliberately putting ourselves in the first bucket, possibly the second? We live in moments, and we often fail to achieve the version of ourselves or our partnership that we ultimately want... but in every moment we try again. We are all guilty of all three scenarios, and are all achieving all three scenarios.... the net of it is... which one creates the overall flavor of your relationship?
I believe we are in motion, our relationships are in motion. We are always moving closer together or farther apart in any relationship. A shared pursuit of joy keeps pulling us closer. A lack of alignment for joy pulls us apart.
This is why “date nights” are important.,, This is why finding common interests is so key…finding things that you enJOY doing together – so that you want to do MORE of them…
If more and more of our desire for joy takes us in directions away from our spouse, a happy marriage is less and less likely.
It is absolutely fine obviously to have independent interests – but it is essential that there must also be shared ones…
Affection and sex are a source of joy but also and perhaps most importantly affection and sex are a celebration of alignment in joy. It makes sense that the less a couple is aligned for joy, the less likely they are to be frequently “celebrating” it.
We all seek happiness… limitless felicity…
that is a tall order.
And, in life, we get to experience that journey with all the people we know on some level, but with one above all others.
And, in marriage, your pursuit of joy becomes interdependent with that of your spouse. Their joy must be equal in importance in your mind to yours. That’s hard. And, the pursuit must be compatible. And, on some level the pursuit must be aligned… and you can make it so.
And, when life isn’t going as you expect it – and you find yourself longing for more joy – you must look in the mirror – not at the other side of your bed…
I am not saying that all marriages can work, or should work. I don’t believe that.
I am saying marriage ONLY works if there is a shared pursuit of joy, an empathy and a consideration that is deliberate, constant and persistent… by both partners.
Marriage works most beautifully when it becomes a true partnership that doesn’t impede our path to JOY but ensures it…
When I doubt, you reassure.
When you doubt, I reassure.
When I dream, you dream with me… maybe not about the same thing, but supportive of my vision.
When you dream, I dream with you… supportive of your vision.
And, slowly overtime as we age…
It becomes less clear who dreamt what…
my dreams become your dreams, your dreams become my dreams...
my joy becomes your joy, and yours becomes mine...
I am not saying that all marriages can work, or should work. I don’t believe that.
But, marriage is our most intimate pursuit of joy, the one that touches most closely to our being… and we must be very gentle and aware of each other…
the consequences are life altering...
And,
if done right,
it is
(in Ayn Rand’s words),
“then and only then, is it the greatest reward of man’s existence.”
in harmony,
Nestor
P.S. I reserve the right to write one more conversation about JOY, with respect to how it plays out in our relationship with our work. For now - just be joyful and have a great day!