Ok - short break for two conversations away from "Brain to Zen"...
This is a two-part conversation. Today is "the mirror"... tomorrow is "the pain".
I went to Hot Yoga this morning. I ask myself why I go...
It feels good. It only hurts a little. And, you stand without a shirt in front of a mirror for 90 minutes as you try unsuccessfully to mimic the movements and shapes of the others and melt into the plastic floor.
It feels age appropriate.
I am giving it time... to see if I dedicate more to it, if I see a return on my investment... I try not to be one of those people that throws things or experiences away before truly knowing them, because I believe some of the best activities, things, people and experiences in life require effort to understand, to appreciate... to enjoy.
Anyway... I was mindful today of my disharmony... my very constant disharmony with my body, with my wellness.
I was watching my body in the mirror simply "wishing" it looked different. Not completely different, just with fewer fat cells ;-)
I don't think its about being vain... though that may be a part of it.
I look at my body and feel a layer of "foreign" stuff in my way... hiding who I am... hiding the gift of my strenth... getting in the way of my ability to experience yoga as it was intended to feel.
I look critically at my body wishing it looked different, and then I think critically about my lack of discipline in how I eat... then I start wishing I had more discipline... and my eyes come back to my stomach and I feel the disharmony cloud in my head.
I have worked through most of the wishing in my life - and have turned the majority of it into a healthy, generally harmonious want. But, my weight remains a wish... and not surprisingly I continue to struggle to make progress...
Disharmony begets disharmony - and in most cases fails to achieve the desired state... I feel it... Disharmony... Wishing... takes away our power... takes away our appreciation... takes away our joy... and it's hard to build harmony from there.
I share this - because its such a great example, and such a relatable feeling, that explains so clearly the difference between harmony and disharmony.
As I go through the class, my mind is constantly on the topic. But, I can separate it from me. I can just observe and think...
And, the following thoughts fill my head...
All of us in this room could be wishing...
The guy behind me could be wishing he had more muscle, He is skinny, but I know many skinny people that wish they had more bulk.
More hair, less hair... bigger butt, smaller butt... taller or shorter... younger or older... tanner or whiter... we can all wish on something...
I walk through everyone in the room, and I think to myself of how they could be looking at themselves and creating a "wish" of something different.
We can all choose to wish... there are things in EVERY aspect of our lives that could be turned into disharmony and into a wish...
I am laughing at myself as I am attempting unsuccessfully to intertwine my arms into eagle pose... I look more like a pretzel made by a new worker at Auntie Anne's stand at the airport... If the Yogi master had been watching me originally, I am thinking, there is NO WAY they would have named this the "EAGLE"... maybe the "NOODLE" or the "TWIG" or the "Twisted Hippo"... anyway... I digress.
I am now smiling at myself... and thinking about my mindset and dissappointed in myself. Mindful of my egocentricity... mindful of my limited perspective... mindful of my disharmony...
Breathe...
As I look in the mirror, I think...
You are here... why can't you be proud of that?
You are trying... does that not count for anything?
Oh and by the way, fat boy, you are still 30 pounds less than you were 5 years ago.
So ungrateful you are...
Oh and you are alive... remember that? You are alive and have the means and the liberty to have healthy and independent children that can take care of themselves that affords you the opportunity to be here...
Oh and the cost of this self-induced pain session is not an issue for you...
And, I am strong and have the ability to while not looking like the guy in the posters, still attempt, enjoy and benefit from the practice of yoga... doesn't any of that count?
And, you could just stop eating the left over pizza that your sons don't eat... you could stop doing that TODAY and see your body look more like the image you have in mind...
Now I feel doubly bad...
Vain, fat and ungrateful ;-) Funny AND TRUE! And, "fat" is a relative word that is whatever you make it.
I am amused by my own awareness of my disharmony and my harmony... and now I am more thinking about the thought and selection process in my mind...
Breathe...
I had a good workout. The thoughts linger.
I am grateful to be able to wear a shirt out of the studio ;-)
I WANT to be healthier.
I WANT to be stronger.
I WANT to be more flexible.
I WANT to feel better in my own skin... not metaphorically, but literally.
I WANT to be proud of my discipline and my progress...
I WANT...
and, I am grateful that it all remains in my power, in my control, and in my possibility...
Let's talk about this tomorrow... because truth is we all want the same thing...
I think...
when we look in the mirror...
in harmony,
Nestor