So, I woke up in Norway, Oslo to be exact a few hours ago.
I am now in Copenhagen, Denmark.
A weird way to get home from Barcelona, but when you are buying four last minute tickets home, you take what you can take.
All in all, this trip will take us about 37 or so hours door to door and we are enjoying our way through it.
Truth is, my son has been working through some medical issues that have persisted for nearly 7 months now.
We are not used to dealing with meaningful health issues in our immediate family, so this is new for us.
We were vacationing in Spain, a country that I had forever dreamt of seeing and experiencing. We say Madrid, Sevilla and Barcelona but decided to cut the trip in half and head home when my son seemed to feel worse and worse with every day that passed.
Many thoughts fill my head as we navigate this new challenge...
The first overwhelming feeling is one of guilt. I feel so very guilty for not having greater empathy for so many friends and acquaintances who have suffered for so long with medical issues with their children. I have always been “generically thoughtful” but not truly and meaningfully empathetic. As I see my son struggle, and as we deal with the uncertainty, I am overcome by empathy for so very many parents I know... who have dealt with their childrens’ epileptic seizures, depression, serious operations, and countless other medical challenges. I realize that as serious as our issue is, it’s very likely of far lesser consequences than many... it’s the uncertainty that is disconcerting... the not having found a solution... the seeing your offspring in pain and discomfort and not being able to help them that can so quickly lead to disharmony in parents... “Wishing” they could live their children’s pain... wishing I could feel the discomfort instead of him.
I think about my parents... and I have a new appreciation and empathy for them. In a small way, I can taste a little more of their pain and my heart hurts for them. I think of our friends who lost their son two years back and I can taste just a little minuscule part of their pain and my heart hurts for them. I can only imagine the gaping hole in their hearts and in their Iives that losing a child leaves... and my parents lost two...
The second overwhelming feeling is one of want. I so very much want my son to feel better, and there is little we can do right now. My wife has engaged multiple caring and intelligent doctors. Friends who have been through or have had children go through this type of situation all say you need to just give things time and work through it... The wanting for my son to feel better borders closely on the “wishing” line - but all we can do is follow the doctor’s orders and wait and see and then try something else. It is a fantastic exercise in taking things one day at a time... not getting ahead of ourselves in a good or bad way... just allowing the moment to be the moment.
I am so very impressed with my boys... they are so very willing to figure it out as we go... they are agreeable and affable.
When I was a teenager, I am fairly certain I would have struggled with our yearly vacation being cut in half (in the hypothetical world that we would have taken a yearly vacation ;-) I would have struggled with missing the “beach” and best part of the trip. I would have “wished” that we didn’t have to go back to the US immediately. In fact, I think just years ago, I would have struggled with “wishing” in a situation like we are in, in all kinds of ways.
Maybe it’s being a father...
Maybe it’s getting older...
Maybe it’s embracing harmony...
But, these days I live one moment at a time...
and I accept the IS in my moments better than I ever did before...
My son felt worse yesterday morning, so we looked at the options... we wanted him to feel better, we didn’t want him to feel really ill in a foreign land and have to deal with foreign hospitals, we want to see if we can start the next treatment sooner... so in a moment we decide - “time to leave...” and we do. And, the boys agree and gracefully, willingly and collaboratively pivot change plans and come along.
I feel grateful to have the means to do whatever we need to do to get home.
I feel largely helpless in truly being able to affect and resolve my son’s discomfort.
But, I can get him home.
And, the disappointment of the trips end, and not seeing his high school bud who was going to meet us at the beach... we all just accept it. And, I am proud of him... And, I am hopeful that going home early may help us try a new medicine sooner and find comfort sooner.
It hurts me to see my son in pain.
It hurts me to see my wife in pain, as she struggles to figure out what else we could be doing.
And, I accept it wholly. I appreciate that this is an opportunity for him to possibly take his health more seriously as he grows... I appreciate that this is an opportunity for him to see how much he is loved... I appreciate that this is an opportunity for us as a family to get a little clearer on what truly matters... I appreciate that this is an opportunity for ME to understand more clearly what really matters...
We had a nice trip to Spain. It’s a beautiful country... and it’s just another country.
It became so clear to me that visiting new places has little to nothing to do with the new places and EVERYTHING to do with experiencing them in joy with people you love...
Being in the “perfect” place on earth, when the people you love are hurting means nothing... there is no joy in that... It’s all about experiencing them together...
It’s not about being in beautiful places... it’s about SHARING beautiful experiences in beautiful places... it’s about experiencing JOY together that makes experiencing anything worthwhile...
So, last night the four of us made our way into a beautiful little hotel in Oslo for a 3 hour nap before the second leg of our three leg trip. And, we were happy... my son seemed to be feeling better... and we were on our way home... experiencing a new place together...
I felt moments of disharmony during the day - and it wasn’t from wishing that we didn’t have to come home... it was from not being able to buy a ticket on the shorter, more concise route... I ran around the airport from the counter to the airline office to the travel agent trying to buy a ticket and unable to do so despite being there with plenty of time... it was from not being able to find a television so that we could watch the World Cup game together while hanging at the airport for 4 hours... it was from wishing that the flight out of Barcelona hadn’t been an hour late so that our 3 hour nap could have been 4 and my family could have been more rested... it was the little things... and it was truly moments of disharmony wrapped in full acceptance and gratitude...
Yes, I want my son to feel better, and I can control very, very little of that.
I want to get my son home, and we are doing what we need to make that happen.
Ultimately, we had a nice week... we saw a beautiful country... and we found moments together where we shared joy...
And...
we ended the trip early.
A few hours ago, I woke up in Oslo, Norway...
grateful that my son felt a little better...
more conscious and empathetic of my parents and so many dear friends...
and very conscious of the IS that I, and we, are living... and all that it is teaching us...
I am proud of my boys and deeply grateful for my family.
I am proud of my wife and her unwavering clarity about what matters most...
I am still learning.
We have a 5 hour layover here in Copenhagen...
The third and final airport stay for this last leg home...
Norway and Denmark look like such beautiful places to visit...
We will come back someday.
... I see the discomfort again in my son’s face... and the temptation to wish I could feel it for him returns...
For now
we sit
and wait...
and take it
moment
by
moment...
in harmony,
Nestor