I apologize in advance for this one ;-) Happy New Year!
REFLECTING…
I hope you’ve taken some time to reflect…
I don’t make a lot of time for it, but the little bits of time I find are always so very fruitful… and satisfying.
Kind-of…
I am 52 years old (almost 53) and I amaze myself as I observe myself “reflecting”…
You’d think I’d get better at it over time.
And, truth is – I really have… and, I have so far to go!
One of the first things I notice about my reflection is how quickly I can recall the things I didn’t accomplish last year…
How quickly my mind goes to the things I failed to deliver against… the areas where I am not as good.
The question, “What are you proud of from the past year?” often stumps me…
Could it be because I did nothing worth taking pride in?
Or, could it be that the positive things don’t register in my mind?
That somehow I see them as externally enabled by other people or the forces of the universe…
Yet, everything I considered and didn’t achieve is on top of mind memory.
I amuse myself with the observation, and at the same time, I am seeing over time how it affects those around me…
I have often said that I am most critical of those I am closest to – because by “proximity” I apply the same rigorous critical mindset to them – that I do to myself…
But, I must consider two things…
1. Most people don’t subject themselves to the constant barrage of objective, candid ‘constructive’ feedback that I administer to myself… So, it’s hard to digest.
2. And, most importantly, I don’t care how well I may do it… NONE of us want critical feedback from anyone else… I know we say we do, and rationally we even think we do… but, we don’t. We want to solve it for ourselves…
The ONLY people we accept critical feedback from openly and constructively – are people that do a superb job of filling our hearts with positivity as well… And, few people do that.
I noticed, particularly this past year, how much I hurt people around me that I care about deeply… Even though my words are often balanced, honest and thoughtful… I think those closest to me FEEL my criticality, and it’s only human to take it personally…
I take pride in being honest with people… and yet, so very often I am given the feedback that I am too lenient, too tolerant, too understanding…
How can those two things be true at the same time…
How can I be too tolerant and understanding and too critical at the same time?
Tolerance and understanding – to me is acceptance of the “IS” of who I am, who people are… I see people, I have tremendous empathy for whatever situation they may be going through… And, I think that makes me very tolerant and understanding…
And, I also know what the business needs – and so my feedback is often given from the perspective of the WANT (or at times the WISH)… of what is needed…
I think I hurt people, without meaning to, because they KNOW I see them… they can feel it…
And, because they also KNOW what is needed by the business… they get it…
So – I’m empathetic, honest and critical and demanding… and, that is hard to accept.
It’s easy to deflect feedback from someone who doesn’t get it or doesn’t see you.
Someone who is unreasonable – we deflect because they are unreasonable.
Someone who doesn’t see us – we deflect because they don’t see us…
But, someone who sees us, is reasonable, and speaks to the gap… that hurts…
And, it hurts only because we shift to disharmony… We wish we didn’t let people down, we WISH the gap wasn’t there… we WISH we were better, faster, smarter, already there… and when we feel disharmony with someone we respect… it’s hard… because I can’t deflect the truth…
I’m not suggesting that I am gifted in any specific way – I truly am simply exploring…
Reflecting – on how to show up and be honest, be demanding, be empathetic in a way that is less painful…
With others…
And, with myself.
Part of the reason I find it hard to be me is because I know what I am capable of…
And, I know what I actually do… and the gap truthful honest gap hurts…
It hurts to admit it…
I have little compassion for myself – for my short-comings…
That is not the case with others… I have real, deep and extensive compassion, but somehow that doesn’t show up, or probably more appropriately – that doesn’t register with people because the gap always hurts too much to acknowledge the praise…
Or maybe, it’s people that are more “like” me than others – that I end up being closer to – and they are also tired of the voices inside their heads…
People read my posts, my conversations, or my comments and very often say “Don’t be so hard on yourself”… but in my mind, I’m thinking – facts are facts… I’m not being overly hard or overly soft…
I’m just being real…
I have great potential…
And, every notch below great in any aspect of my life is an opportunity that I too often register as a disappointment…
I don’t know where I am going with this… other than trying to understand it… because it happens too often for me to ignore…
I love the people closest to me – and I appreciate them so very, very much… for all that they are and all that they bring…
I want to be great, because I think I have that capacity…
I want them to be great, because I know they already are…
And, somehow I see it as my job / my role to push them, help them see themselves as great… because it’s true…
But, the message get’s lost too often…
I am working on it…
Perhaps, my error is in thinking that it is my job or my role to help people be great… Maybe that’s their job. And, my job is more to help them see how great they already are… but, people say I’m already too understating…
Maybe it’s the difference between WANTING people to be as great as I know they can be – HARMONY
And, in turn, they WISHING they could already be there so as not to let anyone down – DISHARMONY…
I hope this conversation didn’t make you as dizzy as it made me…
It’s 2020 – anything is possible. I want to be a force for harmony.
Perhaps, if I figure it out for myself first, then maybe I can do it for others. Because, I hear my voice inside my own head… and I am a major PIA…
I do apologize…
I don’t mean it that way…
And, reflecting, is the only way to hopefully understand it enough to slowly but surely overcome it…
In harmony (I think),
Nestor