Absolute positions create such emotion…
People want to take a side.
People like clear answers.
And, there so seldom are…
So, we have two choices… enjoy the beauty and brilliance of the granularity and complexity of life, or pick a side and be right maybe half the time…
I have written about compromise. I generally have thought it’s brilliant, powerful and wonderful.
My ego has often danced at the thought that I was better at achieving it, accepting it than others.
And, my ego was right to dance… for some of those times.
In reading this amazing book that I mentioned last month, “Never Split The difference”, I found myself listening to this chapter that says almost literally, “Compromise is stupid. It’s weak. It’s never the right solution.
The author uses the metaphor of a man who is trying to decide with his wife as to whether he should wear black shoes or brown shoes with a certain outfit, and suggests that compromise is wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe - and that’s stupid.
I am not presenting the whole argument - as his total argument does make some sense. But, he stresses the importance of this metaphor - and tells the reader to never forget it.
I hate absolutes.
If I played to absolutes, I may choose to stop reading the book now, because in my heart of hearts, I fundamentally disagree with his written views on compromise. Or, I may choose to walk away from compromise as one of the most powerful concepts I know - and consider it now, like so many, a weak conclusion.
But, I don’t play in absolutes.
I appreciate the beauty and the brilliance of the granularity of life ;-)
I hate the answer “it depends” - because everything does. But, I agree with it. (NOTE: I would just never use it as a an answer - I would give you a simple range of WHAT IT ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON!)
So, compromise can be a powerful tool or a stupid conclusion depending on the importance of the topic, the alternatives that are possible, and the consequences of the conclusion.
Too many times in life I have made compromises that I should not have… I have compromised on my values (most often now realizing what my values were, or creating a rationalization that helped me to justify it). And, that has certainly cost me and those close to me. I work now on thinking through the values of my decisions, and use that more as a guide and criteria for my decisions. And, I still at times make compromises on my values.
Why?
Because I live in a world where my values don’t match everyone elses. My values are not more important than everyone elses. And, arguably, they are not more morally correct than anyone elses.
This is why we live in a country where there are arguments about
pro-life vs pro-choice…
capital punishment or not…
Trump or not…
Compromise isn’t powerful or weak - it’s ESSENTIAL to life and coexistence. So anyone, no matter how well intended, putting up a flag that says compromise is stupid and trying to embed that into the fiber of their readers is doing a disservice to society and humanity. And, yet, that’s me taking that chapter a little too seriously.
But, it’s only because I think the concept of compromise is that serious. And, that oversimplified.
So, compromise also depends on context and relativity.
The bigger a group gets, the more essential compromise becomes.
The other reason I viscerally struggle against anyone who preaches intolerance to compromise, is that I believe to do so is to preach tolerance to arrogance, which I feel equally strongly against!
For me to adopt a philosophy of intolerance to compromise, means I will only accept life on my terms, which means you have to live by my terms, which means my terms are fundamentally more moral, more correct than yours. And, that’s arrogant. Maybe SOME of my beliefs or thoughts or conclusions are…. MAYBE… and even there is an assumption on the subjectivity of “more correct”…
What about the decisions you make for yourself? for your life?
When selecting a life partner? a house? a menu? a car? whether to go into debt or not? whether to drive home after drinking? whether to send that text? whether to …
Life is complicated… because so many variables that affect everything…
Can something be powerful and weak? Brilliant and stupid?
YOU BET!
I’ve seen people wear two types of shoes… Many athletes have made wearing two different color sneakers popular. Some NFL kickers wear a different shoe on their kicking foot…
Never answer “it depends” because that tells me nothing…
Help me to create more definition, more richness based on your perspective and life experience what it depends on for you…
Then, I can better appreciate the beauty of the granularity of life…
Maybe you can wear black shoes one day with that outfit, and brown the next…
Maybe it matters if you change the color of your shirt and belt.
Maybe you can not wear the outfit or shoes at all…
Not everything matters in the same way… and as you get older you realize fewer and fewer things matter at all.
Sure -
When negotiating for a new car - compromise may cause you to pay a few extra bucks and the lack of it may cause you to not get the car you love.
When negotiating for a hostages life - you can’t split the difference between life and death… so maybe you end up splitting the difference on the ransom, and you start with a mindset of not doing so…
Who knows…
Almost everything I think about brings me back to this quote I love so much from Julio Olalla…
“Wisdom is a love affair with questions. Knowledge is a love affair with answers… “ and the sentiment that the right questions never change and the right answers often do…
Only you can know what situations in your life benefit from compromise (I would argue it’s the vast majority, but that is more a statement on my approach and philosophy to life and harmony than anything else).
Only you can know what matters so much to you that compromise would be weak or stupid. (And, I would tell you to be selective about where to apply this approach).
People want to take sides - because our brains are lazy - and they want default answers.
People like clear answers - because their egos want to dance to the tune of “I’m right”…
And it leaves us with two choices…
enjoy the beauty and brilliance of the granularity and complexity of life,
or pick a side and be right maybe half the time…
All of my most meaningful life experiences and business successes have come from compromise.
And, would not compromising have made them impossible or even greater?
Is compromise powerful or weak?
Is compromise brilliant or stupid?
and, most importantly,
What is the situation you are facing? What is the decision that you are making?
What are the consequences to your life of your conclusions or actions?
What are the consequences to others?
Do you have to decide right now? What choices do you have?
What matters most?
There is wisdom…
I choose to enjoy the beauty and the brilliance in the granularity and complexity of life…
in harmony,
Nestor