I am excited about the future… I am excited about my future.
And, I am torn about it …
Torn because I feel like I have more options than ever before - even if perhaps I don’t.
Torn because unlike in the past, THE best option is not as clear.
And, I am aware of four forces that are pulling me in 4 different directions… or maybe there is one direction that engages all 4, and I just haven’t figured it out yet.
So, what are these four forces? I call them “forces” because they feel like different versions of gravity… They pull me. If I am not careful, I am fairly certain I will just fall into one of them.
So, what are the FOUR FORCES?
THE FORCE FOR MORE - This is the one that I know I will stumble on first, if I am not careful. This is the one that just keeps us moving in the same direction that we have been moving in. This is the force that is born from the gravity of “not enough”… I believe, it is born largely from fear - or from the wrong kind of greed. “MORE” ain’t it for me. At least certainly, not the primary force.
THE FORCE FOR FREEDOM - This is the force for the desire “not to be owned”, for the desire to be myself - or possibly the desire to have the mental space to figure out much more clearly WHO I am and what is most important to me. This is the force that wants me to breathe deeper - that wants to never again feel that stress of missed expectations. I think this is an important force, and a part of the solution. Whatever comes next, I want to have more flexibility, more space to think, more time to do whatever feels important. I actually think the FORCE for Freedom, isn’t the desire not to be “owned” but rather not to be “owned” by anyone else. I think, deep down inside, that if what owned me felt true to the impact I want to have on the universe - that is a gravity that will pull me with joy - and the “exchange” for my time won’t feel so onerous.
THE FORCE OF IMPACT / MEANING / PURPOSE - This one feels so very strong. If I can stand up and find my balance not to fall to the force of more, and I can not stumble into freedom as a long term objective… then I might fall the force for MEANING. I wonder how much of this comes from ego, and how much of it comes from a true and authentic visceral desire to be a positive drop into the ocean of the universe. I do think part of the reason I want freedom, is to be able to more clearly understand and to have the space to be able to really know my purpose. I want to get up in the morning - less for my own freedom, and more for my own volition to do something worthy of my time. I am not discounting, or being ungrateful for what I do today. What I do today is what I have always wanted to do. What I do today has been a blessing and a dream come true. And, in my heart of hearts, I feel like it’s time to dream again.
THE FORCE OF SPIRITUALITY - Whatever happens - I am more and more aware of how little I know… how little I know about the bigger questions that make up the universe. I feel more curious, more interested, more humble, more grateful for the strength, rationality, passion, spirit that I am blessed with. I love my friends who are strong in their spirituality - some defined by their religion, some defined by their practices, some defined simply by their mindset and deference… but all, with an awareness of spirit - with a respect for it - with a commitment to it - and most always with a practice for it. I don’t want to fall into anything - I want to expand into something bigger… a bigger energy, bigger impact, greater joy, greater certainty that even though I don’t ever expect to undertand it - that I can improve my awareness of spirit… my connection to spirit… my experience with spirit.
Now don’t worry. I am not losing my mind, I promise.
I am deeply grateful… and more grateful every day.
I am just speaking to the real forces that I feel pulling on the IS of my moment.
I am not afraid to be explicit about how they feel like they are pulling me into some unknown space… into unknown choices.
And, it feels wrong to solve the equation with the same formulas that I used decades ago when my understanding of a conscious man, when my understanding of my own ambition, when my interpretation of my own dreams was so much more one dimensional.
And, I am too old to just fall. I am too aware to just fall. I don’t want this next chapter of my life to be a result of a stumble… and, certainly not a stumble into “more” that isn’t about more freedom, more impact or more spirituality… maybe out there somewhere is the force for less… maybe that is a bit like the force of freedom.
The FORCE that has pushed me forever was the force of EGO, the force of forward, the force of “figure it out as you go”… the force of wanting to launch my children into the world… the force of goals as defined by society moreso than myself.
Those forces have served me. My commitment to those forces have served them. And, I have tried my best to serve them & to serve people along the way. Because I love people… and, I love serving.
I am excited about the future. I am excited about my future… because I am clearer than ever on how little I know… and at the same time I am clearer than ever of how much I am - how much I have been given and blessed with…
I want to live deliberately, spend my time deliberately and consciously of the forces that shape it. And, now about to be 55 - deliberateness feels so much more important than it ever has.
Life is good, and I am fortunate…
in harmony,
Nestor