ME

Who would I be…

If I wasn’t the me -

that I’ve convinced myself to be?

Perhaps it’s time to find out.

Am I willing to go explore?

Am I willing to leave the shore?

What is it that I fear…

Now - that nothing scary seems near?

Maybe it’s that I’m not special,

Maybe it’s that I’m not strong…

Maybe it’s just the fear of being wrong…

But what if I lean into Love more than fear…

What if I lean into faith… and don’t steer?

To discover, I must leave home…

And, the sadness is real as I go roam…

Let me close my eyes so that I may see…

Let me leave the shore so that I may be.

In harmony,

Nestor

Waking Up On The Water

I started kayaking this year, and it is a beautiful way to “wake up” and spend the first few hours of sunlight. 

There is something so peaceful, so energizing, so inspiring… 

One morning a few weeks ago, dolphins appeared and swam alongside me… and we took in the sunrise together…

As I rhythmically stroke the water and propel myself forward my mind drifts…

There are so many lessons about life that those moments alone on the water amplify, clarify, and embed in my soul…

You must believe in yourself…

There is something so exhilirating about launching into the water in a kayak. There is no one else and nothing else (except my boat) to rely on, depend on, or consider. It is me, the destination (goal) I’ve set, and my own drive and strength and ability to deliver on it. It is so clean - so simple - it’s up to me. And, I find it uniquely motivating and fulfilling… holding myself exclusively accountable…

Being on the water adds both beauty and a powerful force to be respected… When you go for a walk - the ground is predictable and it can’t turn on you. It is not alive… Kayaking feels like a journey on a living beautiful, powerful and moody beast… that sometimes falls asleep and sometimes wakes up so very violent and angry… And, making it home is up to me… my conviction… my strength.

The water somehow - separates me from the land… and in some way also separates me from the thoughts and connection to everyday life… It detaches me… It frees me.

The winds and waves are constantly changing – don’t rely on them…

Often I set my course starting against the current – that way on my way back I can use the current to reduce my effort coming home.  Very often, the winds change and I have to fight the waves on my way home as well.  I am always ready to paddle hard!

I realize I like paddling into the wind…

There may be something wrong in my brain, but I most often choose the harder path.   I don’t know if it’s because I want to test myself – to prove to myself that I can - or, that I like the challenge.  Rowing with the flow feels like cheating, even though I know it’s not.  I want my life to be in some meaningfull way the result of my own effort.  And, I realize that is probably my ego playing too big a role in my narrative.  Because, I realize nothing I’ve had help every step of my life even though I like to pretend I haven’t.   Ultimately, I realize so very little is a result of my own effort versus a result of my blessings.

But, when I paddle into the wind – the water meets my stroke, it resists and then supports… the wind blows more inspired on my face… and, the splash of the boat against the waves celebrates my progress… It just feels better.

Be careful of more people…

I love people. And, there is something very special about being alone with your thoughts on the water. More people does mean the boat will take on water faster… This may be the simplest and most powerful business metaphor on a kayak ;-). When the boat takes on water it lowers the center of gravity and makes it much easier to tip over (done that).

When there are more people, I am mindful of the experience they are having… mindful of the synergy in our strokes.  I like steering.  I like being the power.  It’s so very hard for me to be led… I do love being out there with company - to share the experience… It’s just a different experience.  And, requires a different level of responsibility.

It’s almost impossible for me to be on a kayak and not be paddling…

I notice this about myself, and I am not proud of it.  Sometimes, I just want to let myself be taken by the current, and I can’t. I want to put my paddle down and just breath and enjoy the moment.  I do on rare occasion – and I don’t let it last long.  It’s physically difficult for me to be in a kayak and not be wanting to make progress… I have this sense that it is expected of me – and I realize it is just me expecting it of myself.  I feel lazy not paddling.  It feels wasteful – and I know its not.  I need to learn how to be in the kayak and not row…

Perhaps, it is, to a small extent, because I always have a set amount of time that I am going to be on the water, because life awaits on land.  People expect things of me on land – I have responsibilities.  But, why do I feel like I have to go as far as I plan for those couple of hour trips.  Why do the goals need to be so far away… why can’t simply being on the water BE the destination?

I need to learn how to float and breath and lose that need to always be paddling.

Destinations that seem unreachable… aren’t.  Keep paddling.

You move slow through the water, powered only by your own breath, your own strength, your own stroke.  I look out into the horizon into the destination that I have set, and it feels most often unachievable.  “At this pace, it’s going to take me forever to reach that turn…”  I always seem to have some version of that thought.  And, the situation presents me with two options… keep paddling or give up and turn around. 

So, I sit up straighter, stay mindful of my stroke (realizing that I can’t sprint to the finish – when the finish is so very far away), take a deep breath and focus on the next stroke, the next 10 strokes, the next 100 strokes… and at some point, I look up again and realize the destination is still far away… but not as far away as it was.  And, I have to decide again… and, I keep paddling…

And when I finally make it home… I slowly step of my vessel with a very pure gratitude and pride… I MADE IT!

I step in the water and feel the water bathe my skin…  I float and feel the sun… and wish on some level that the moment would last forever…  The water pulls me, calls to me, settles me, comforts me… Nothing else feels quite like home in such a visceral sense.  It engages all of my senses and somehow all of my soul.

I realize, in writing this, that the whole experience of kayaking, of waking up on the water, makes me feel such a UNIQUE, PURE and DEEP GRATITUDE… for my strength, for being alive, for the earth…

There is a beauty – a peacefulness to being out on the water…

It demands nothing else but my presence,

It is both a beautiful experience, a beautiful moment, and an end in itself…

Much like life ;-)

What’s your favorite way to wake up?

In harmony,

Nestor

Obsession vs Passion

I was in NYC all week meeting with the CEO of our 5 Billion dollar company.  He is an impressive guy who has achieved meaningful things in our 200 year old company.  We had a few conversations, and as he shared his thoughts on things he spoke about the things that he was “obsessed” with…

He has used this word in the past before… “obsession” and he uses it in the context of “My obsession has been… or my obsession is…”

I don’t know if it is an idiomatic thing – where “obsession” can be possibly substituted for “passion”… but the words are different – and they cause me pause.

We can be passionate about many things… and passion only speaks to the level of emotion and interest, not necessarily to the visceral need for action. Obsession demands action.

Obsession in English is usually tied to negative things… when you are “obsessed” with something it connotes an irrational desire for, an ability to not be satiated by… It has a negative connotation.

BUT… I love it!

He is “obsessed” by achieving gender equality and having more women represented at the highest levels of the company.  He is obsessed with safety and having people make it home from work – as they went to work.  He is obsessed with things that matter… and make the world better.

I have worked hard in my life – not to be obsessed – not to have an irrational and insatiable desire for something – but to always keep my reason and my balance.  And yet, I am eager to be obsessed, hungry for it… in the exploration of it.

To me, having an “obsession” in the way we are discussing it – is having a purpose that you can’t get out of your mind… having a calling that moves you to action… that creates curiosity… that is insatiable.

I want to be obsessed by what I do everyday…  That is now a new threshold and expectation… Nothing less will do…

WHAT IS MY OBSESSION?

For the moment, my “obsession” is to find an obsession 😉

And, I’d like to have an obsession that feeds my soul and one that feeds my soul while feeding the world.

Giving myself permission to become obsessed feels liberating… it feels appropriate.

I may be obsessed with the idea of not being in a hurry.

I may be obsessed with finding more spirituality in my life.

I may be obsessed with the peace and quiet and magic of sailing.

And, none of those will change the world.

I want to be obsessed with love… and how it plays a more deliberate role in our lives.

I am passionate about justice, and people, and strategy and culture… I am passionate about making a difference.  I am passionate about being motivated by what I do everyday…

And, passionate is not enough.  Passionate does not lead to action – but rather to an intensity of feeling.

It is time for me to define my obsession… and to share it boldly with the world.

And, so I go… clearer now than before for what I am searching for…

In harmony,

Nestor

When it's all said and done...

I went to one of our Shift CEO Group Sessions a few weeks back… first time in person.

And, I realized… I am in “in-person” kind-a person.

We were getting warmed up and Joe Mechlinski - our leader and dear friend - kicked off with a thought from Rob Reinbolt…

“When it’s all said and done, what will you have said and done?”

You know me by now… I am all about those questions.
To live with intention - is to live with a mindfulness that life is a limited-time engagement.

I have been struggling with that question as of late.

There is a voice inside of me that wants to create a company that fully embraces my own values - a company that is an example to how the human factor can be celebrated within business…

But, there is a bigger voice that wants a simpler life - and a simpler objective…

The words that came to mind - and that I shared with the group were…

When it’s all said and done - I want to have…

helped those I know and those I love be a little more present in their own journey -

And, I will have told them…

And, I will have shown them…

that they are worthy of love and that they are beautiful souls!

I am aware that the change we wish to be in the world - is influenced rather heavily by the change we wish to experience in ourselves…

Life and the world would be so much more peaceful and beautiful and enjoyable -

if we were all just a little more certain that we were worthy of love and a little more present and joyful in our days…

When it’s all said and done… what will YOU have said and done?

Happy Monday…

In harmony,

Nestor

4 Forces

I am excited about the future… I am excited about my future.

And, I am torn about it …

Torn because I feel like I have more options than ever before - even if perhaps I don’t.

Torn because unlike in the past, THE best option is not as clear.

And, I am aware of four forces that are pulling me in 4 different directions… or maybe there is one direction that engages all 4, and I just haven’t figured it out yet.

So, what are these four forces? I call them “forces” because they feel like different versions of gravity… They pull me. If I am not careful, I am fairly certain I will just fall into one of them.

So, what are the FOUR FORCES?

1. THE FORCE FOR MORE - This is the one that I know I will stumble on first, if I am not careful. This is the one that just keeps us moving in the same direction that we have been moving in. This is the force that is born from the gravity of “not enough”… I believe, it is born largely from fear - or from the wrong kind of greed. “MORE” ain’t it for me. At least certainly, not the primary force.

2. THE FORCE FOR FREEDOM - This is the force for the desire “not to be owned”, for the desire to be myself - or possibly the desire to have the mental space to figure out much more clearly WHO I am and what is most important to me. This is the force that wants me to breathe deeper - that wants to never again feel that stress of missed expectations. I think this is an important force, and a part of the solution. Whatever comes next, I want to have more flexibility, more space to think, more time to do whatever feels important. I actually think the FORCE for Freedom, isn’t the desire not to be “owned” but rather not to be “owned” by anyone else. I think, deep down inside, that if what owned me felt true to the impact I want to have on the universe - that is a gravity that will pull me with joy - and the “exchange” for my time won’t feel so onerous.

3. THE FORCE OF IMPACT / MEANING / PURPOSE - This one feels so very strong. If I can stand up and find my balance not to fall to the force of more, and I can not stumble into freedom as a long term objective… then I might fall the force for MEANING. I wonder how much of this comes from ego, and how much of it comes from a true and authentic visceral desire to be a positive drop into the ocean of the universe. I do think part of the reason I want freedom, is to be able to more clearly understand and to have the space to be able to really know my purpose. I want to get up in the morning - less for my own freedom, and more for my own volition to do something worthy of my time. I am not discounting, or being ungrateful for what I do today. What I do today is what I have always wanted to do. What I do today has been a blessing and a dream come true. And, in my heart of hearts, I feel like it’s time to dream again.

4. THE FORCE OF SPIRITUALITY - Whatever happens - I am more and more aware of how little I know… how little I know about the bigger questions that make up the universe. I feel more curious, more interested, more humble, more grateful for the strength, rationality, passion, spirit that I am blessed with. I love my friends who are strong in their spirituality - some defined by their religion, some defined by their practices, some defined simply by their mindset and deference… but all, with an awareness of spirit - with a respect for it - with a commitment to it - and most always with a practice for it. I don’t want to fall into anything - I want to expand into something bigger… a bigger energy, bigger impact, greater joy, greater certainty that even though I don’t ever expect to undertand it - that I can improve my awareness of spirit… my connection to spirit… my experience with spirit.

Now don’t worry. I am not losing my mind, I promise.

I am deeply grateful… and more grateful every day.

I am just speaking to the real forces that I feel pulling on the IS of my moment.

I am not afraid to be explicit about how they feel like they are pulling me into some unknown space… into unknown choices.

And, it feels wrong to solve the equation with the same formulas that I used decades ago when my understanding of a conscious man, when my understanding of my own ambition, when my interpretation of my own dreams was so much more one dimensional.

And, I am too old to just fall. I am too aware to just fall. I don’t want this next chapter of my life to be a result of a stumble… and, certainly not a stumble into “more” that isn’t about more freedom, more impact or more spirituality… maybe out there somewhere is the force for less… maybe that is a bit like the force of freedom.

The FORCE that has pushed me forever was the force of EGO, the force of forward, the force of “figure it out as you go”… the force of wanting to launch my children into the world… the force of goals as defined by society moreso than myself.

Those forces have served me. My commitment to those forces have served them. And, I have tried my best to serve them & to serve people along the way. Because I love people… and, I love serving.

I am excited about the future. I am excited about my future… because I am clearer than ever on how little I know… and at the same time I am clearer than ever of how much I am - how much I have been given and blessed with…

I want to live deliberately, spend my time deliberately and consciously of the forces that shape it. And, now about to be 55 - deliberateness feels so much more important than it ever has.

Life is good, and I am fortunate…

in harmony,

Nestor

Hard Work

Happiness requires hard work -

hard work at work

hard work at home

hard work on self…

Listed in reverse order of importance!

in harmony,

Nestor

A New Narrative

I’m tired of not being enough… tired of needing to be more.

It’s time to get out of the “matrix”… It’s time to use my strength to OWN my life and direct it…

To make my life better I don’t need so much to decide what to do next, as much as I need to decide to own, accept, embrace

who I am

and, what’s already been accomplished…

own my countless blessings AND my role and value in helping to create the life I’m living.

It’s time to develop a NEW NARRATIVE, a new kind of “strength”…

It’s no more about getting the muscles that worked - now it’s about owning and sharing the gift I’ve been given…

Don’t focus on better

Don’t focus on more

Don’t be weighed down by guilt…

Focus on LOVE - Focus on JOY

Feel it deeply in my heart

And share it generously with the world…

NO MORE SHIELD - it no longer serves me,

NO MORE PITY,

NO MORE PAIN…

Boundless love and beautiful grace!

I am worthy of my own life!

I am enough…

in harmony,

Nestor

Thoughtful Grace

I was thinking the other day… what does it mean to BE grateful?

We say “thank you” everyday, “thanks!”, “THX!” – and, I realize there are degrees of gratitude, as there are with all human emotions…

But, I am stopping to think about, what does it truly mean to BE grateful?

How does it feel different from other emotions?

How often am I truly in gratitude?

It’s Thanksgiving after all…

First, as with any meaningful and deeply felt emotion, words limit us.

Words alone can’t capture gratitude.

Words alone can’t usually deliver it.

But, words are a start…

There can be grace in words – if there is grace in thoughts – which requires grace in heart.

When I am truly grateful for someone, which I try to be of everyone I know…

I speak differently…

Gratitude acknowledges effort, acknowledges hardship, acknowledges intent and contribution.

Gratitude accepts imperfection, encourages progress, carries empathy, invites candor and promotes selflessness.

When gratitude speaks… it speaks not in words of “thanks” but in thoughts of fullness, satisfaction, benevolence, grace.

Many say “thank you” often – but fail to deliver any grace in tone or the rest of their narrative.

Thank you’s that aren’t from gratitude are palpable, empty, wasteful. Everyone knows the difference.

When I am not truly grateful…

I am impatient, I am overly critical, I am aggressive, I am short. I am selfish. I am distracted. I am angry.

Being in gratitude ties together with feeling like “I am enough”.

It is hard, if not impossible, to feel deeply grateful when I feel inadequate or unworthy.  In those moments my ego steps in and takes over my brain to protect myself from pain. 

Gratitude is fullness… without discomfort.

Gratitude is joy… without an explanation.

Gratitude is light… when your eyes are closed.

Gratitude is warmth… wherever you are.

Gratitude is possibility without fear, love without jealousy, peace without conditions, achievement without effort, freedom…

Gratitude is fullness… generosity… grace.

—

Spend a moment or a few this Thanksgiving week… not trying to be thankful - but feeling the fullness of life, the great fortune of your life and of your blessings.

BE in Thanksgiving…

Grace to you and yours!

in harmony,

Nestor

ENOUGH

It’s amazing how different life feels

—-

how different your days feel…

—-

how much brighter the sun looks, and how much warmer it feels on your skin…

—-

how much lighter you feel, how much more hopeful, how much your joy…

—-

when your mind and heart feel like you…

—-

have enough and ARE enough!

—-

I feel it in my own soul - I feel the weight of unmet expectations so very differently

—-

when I feel it from a place of enough vs from a place of NOT enough.

—-

I am more patient with problems.

—-

I am more understanding with people.

—-

I am more disposed to feel joy and not angst, more gravity to grace…

—-

in those moments - when I am grateful for my life - when I have and am enough.

—-

That doesn’t mean we can’t want for things - but wanting them from a place of wanting to achieve more

—-

not from a place of closing the gap… not from a place of “I deserve this”… not from a place of do or die.

—-

not from a place of “I should have this already”… not from a place of “other people have it”…

—-

NOT from any place, but from grace, from hope, from fullness.

—-

The FACT is - we all have ENOUGH… AND - we all ARE ENOUGH!

—-

WE DO!

—

WE ARE!!!

—-

But, be honest. How many moments in your day do you fail at accepting that, at owning that?

—-

I fail more often than I succeed. Which is embarrassing… It’s ungrateful… It’s ignorant…

—-

The MORE we want - the greater our passion and purpose can be… The bolder the spring in our step.

—-

Springing forward - NOT to catch up… NOT to make up ground. NOT to close the gap…

—-

Wanting more - springing forward… because we have the opportunity, the possibility, the capacity, the purpose of more….

—-

And, hopefully whatever more you dream about… is about joy, is about purpose, is about love.

—-

Not because we want MORE joy or purpose or love - but because it is our nature to evolve!

—-

It’s not about more joy… heck it will be hard to achieve the joy we felt as children when we had in some terms so much “less”…

—-

It’s not about more love… because it would be hard for me to replace the amazing love I had as a child from my parents, from my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins…

—-

It’s about evolved love… a love that is evolving toward the person you know yourself to be today…

—-

ENOUGH is ENOUGH… and ENOUGH is already here!

—-

And, that is where we start our moment, our perspective, our days…

—-

START with MORE THAN ENOUGH… and then allow yourself to dream, because your dreams will inspire you.

—-

START WITH ENOUGH… and every interaction in the day will taste sweeter, lighter, brighter.

—-

When I am enough in a conversation - I can focus my energy on the real issues, on the real problems, and on the best possible solutions…

—-

When I am enough in a moment - I can soak up the colors in the trees, the joy or pain in my friend’s voice, the grace in their actions… I can see the world beyond my own needs… and connect to it.

—

When I am not enough - everything becomes about me.

—-

When I am not enough - everything becomes about filling the other half of the glass.

—-

When I am enough - my cup is full… And, I dream about sharing from my cup and filling it anew.

—-

When I am enough - I can make the world a better place and make a little dent in the universe…

—-

YOU ARE ENOUGH… I AM ENOUGH…

—-

YOU HAVE ENOUGH… I HAVE ENOUGH…

—-

Now, let’s dream about tomorrow. Let’s go and achieve more - true to who we are…

—-

Let’s achieve more because we can not we have to.

—-

Let’s achieve more because in achieving more we experience joy and pleasure and life.

—-

Let’s achieve more because the world needs more… more love, more joy, more thoughtfulness.

—-

And, you as a soul in harmony who feels enough - has the superpower to deliver more!

—-

Today feels colorful, bright, light, warm…

—-

Today everything feels possible.

—-

Today, and everyday, I am enough…

—-

As are you…

—-

in harmony,

Nestor

It didn't always feel like this...

It’s natural and human

to be overly focused on today.

Heck - everyone preaches that we should be present in the moment.

So, by being human - we are just following directions.

—

But, it didn’t always feel like it does today.

At least, I didn’t.

—-

Our parents, our aunts and uncles, our mentors, our friends…

they age.

For some reason, at a faster pace than we do ;-)

All kidding aside - I am thinking about my aunt,

but also about other important souls in my life.

—

I am emotionally, physically, financially and in almost every way

an independent adult.

I seek counsel, advise, perspective - often…

but, I am comfortable in my own skin (generally)

and able to navigate my life fairly well and maturely.

But, it didn’t always feel like this…

—

Years ago, I was scared. I was lost.

If not with trying to figure better who I was,

then it was trying to figure out my relationship with my parents.

Or, it was trying to find peace and harmony with my straddling two cultures.

Or, it was the overwhelming concept of life at an early age - and trying to make sense of it.

—

It was then - and that then wasn’t so long ago,

that my Tia Ileana was a mentor, a sounding board, an even keel, a source of light.

When my mom would come to visit, as early as 10 years ago,

and go into a depressed spiral.

it was Aunt Ileana, that helped me navigate the situation -

not telling me what to do -

but helping me not take it personally.

—

When I struggled with the relationship between my mom and dad,

When I needed someone to convince me that I was not crazy,

When I needed someone to ground me in me - and help me separate from the instability that my parents made me feel…

it was Aunt Ileana - that was always the one.

She could help me understand the IS of my parents.

She would help me see all that they were… and help me find empathy and patience for the balance.

—

When my sisters died… It was my Tia Ileana that came to visit us in the US from Peru.

Her presence ever-loving and rational and confident - helped me to know that we would be ok.

Just her presence made me feel at peace.

—

She loved to smoke in the bathroom like a little girl.

She laughed from the heart…

Her eyes were always full of wonder and graciousness…

She was so committed to seeing the very best of what was there

in every moment.

Her words were always real, honest, caring, thoughtful.

She is a short woman, probably 5 feet tall, and she would laugh at herself often…

But, when she needed to be - she seemed 8 feet tall and invincible

when defending her values or her family.

And, when she had to choose - she chose values.

—

She always wanted to sit right next to me, or my mom, or my kids….

She wanted to feel the warmth of your body next to hers.

She didn’t want to miss the connection - when the connection was possible.

—

I could hear in her voice always

the sincere excitement and gratitude - in seeing me.

I could hear in her voice always

the sincere awareness of the price of distance -

and, the complexity of the world.

But, I could see in her eyes always

the joy - her joy of simply living in the moment.

She loved the sun and the rain. The Summer and the Winter.

She loved the city and the mountains. The old and the new.

—

My Tia Ileana was LOVE and REASON…

She was my net - that never let me hit the ground…

She is a beautiful flower - that will forever be in bloom…

She is one of the most special gifts in my life…

And, I will miss her more than I ever realized.

—-

It didn’t always feel like this…

There was a time - when she helped me stand up straight,

she helped me never give up,

she helped me see and love my parents,

she helped me see and love myself…

And, she was never trying…

She was simply LOVE…

—

She was always LOVE…

—

She was and is a most beautiful HARMONY…

—

And, I am so very fortunate to have had her in my life.

Nestor

Tia Ileana

NOTE: For those of you that get this on email, you can click on the “blue” title line, and it will take you to the webpage. There the spacing and formatting is correct, and easier to read. The email compresses all spaces and makes the conversation harder to follow. Cheers!

—-

My Tia Ileana is dying…

You would have loved her…

—-

It used to bother me so - that death could come and go,

and so many would go about their days -

as if all was ok.

—-

I must write about that soon.

I feel like death, or emminent death must be a higher priority.

It needs to take us off of our grooved habits and overscheduled lives,

To acknowledge the significance of a loved being… quickly disappearing.

—-

Some cultures & religions have traditions for a certain period of mourning,

That feels right and appropriate.

Acknowledge death and make time for the absoluteness and meaning of it to leave an impression.

At a minimum, make time to feel the love & remember the life that is fading away.

——

I will write about my Tia Ileana tomorrow.

She was a warrior for Harmony, before I ever understood Harmony.

She was very possibly the most reassuring, reliable & loving figure in my life.

I don’t believe I trusted any adult as much as I trusted her.

Because she was always rational, she was always objective - and

she was always also gracious, respectful and loving.

She was my absolute truth.

—-

I owe it to her.

I owe it to me.

To make time in my mind and heart and life…

To acknowledge her … in these moments and days as she fades.

Not because she is dying…

But because of how good she was at living.

—-

Life deserves pause.

—-

It breaks my heart.

I feel guilty sitting in the United States

knowing she is lying in her final days in Peru.

And, flying home doesn’t feel like a viable option…

—-

Physical distance has always been my nemesis.

Emotional closeness has always been my friend.

—-

I am confused, overly busy, full of joy and gratitude and deeply sad.

—-

My Tia Ileana is dying…

and I am so beyond grateful for her having lived.

Her life has been a most beautiful gift.

And, I want to hold her hand tight.

And, I want to hold her memory even tighter.

—-

in harmony,

Nestor

is better possible?

Hello there! It’s Mr. Sporatic, or really more like Mr. Absent.

How are you?

I miss you!

I don’t know the truth…

Do I feel less happy because I am not writing, or

Am I not writing because I feel less happy?

Maybe “happy” is not the right word.

I hate that word. I know I shouldn’t.

I like “joyful” better - it sounds deeper and more adult ;-)

I think I feel less “inspired”, and again I ask myself;

Do I feel less inspired because I am not writing,

Or, am I not writing because I feel less inspired?

I’m not trying to play games with you -

this is how my mind actually works.

I defined “inspired” as the believe that better is possible,

and in my heart of hearts - I do believe better is possible.

But, it is always easier to think of “better” by thinking of change.

And, “change” can make things better and is also difficult.

I think the hardest “better” to achieve is for yourself,

and your current situation; your routine, your work, your partner.

And, it is also so very often the most valuable.

Especially when you think about yourself.

I can’t change “myself”, I can only evolve and improve myself,

if better is indeed possible.

And, as human beings, we are creatures of habit.

And habits become so deeply entrenched…

At the end of the day - we are more our habits than our values.

I was reminded yesterday of how powerful mindset is.

It is everything.

How you think is how you feel…

How you see the world is how it is…

In order to experience life in a “better” way

You must learn to see the world, your situation, yourself

in a better light…

And, there is no more important habit to break

to change

than the first hour of our days…

I am committed to experiencing my life with greater joy,

and I will begin by honoring the first hour of my day

with activities that open my mind and heart,

that make me grateful to be alive,

that connect me to the universe…

So, that is why I am writing to you today,

to remind you

and me

that better is possible…

starting my day right -

in harmony,

Nestor

overwhelmed balance

“If I let the sadness of the world into my heart… it is beyond bearable.

If I let the joy of the world into my heart… it is beyond beautiful.

Somedays accepting the "is” of the world and mankind are harder than others…

It all coexists…”

I wrote yesterday on Facebook. I don’t know if I’m “woke”… I am not sure what it means.

But I am pretty sure it’s a better direction than being asleep or unaware.

As I grow older and better understand the size of my ego and the huge filter it’s played in my life, and still does, I am embarrassed. I am reset. I am re-searching for the meaning of things, the purpose of things, the flavor of things.

“The older I get,

the less I know,

the more I understand…”

I wrote on Facebook last week. I know so much less than I ever thought I’d know, but I understand so much more. Getting older has its benefits.

I just finished reading “Just Mercy” by Bryan Stevenson and I beg you to read it. I don’t want to convince you of anything. I just want you to see what I see.

We are all right, but it’s our desire to believe that those that disagree with us are wrong that makes the world such a sad place.

The world is more complicated than we want to admit. Both our egos and our nature wants to simplify things to make them easier to understand, easier to remember.

Black Lives Matter and so do White Ones and Brown Ones. (And, blue ones for that matter!)

People who do really bad things should go to jail, or to mental hospitals, if appropriate.

Every system is imperfect, especially if its made up of people, because people are inherently imperfect.

The prison system in the US is broken, and capitalism is fueling a broken system for profit (watch Thirteen on Netflix).

Being a policeman is a dangerous job - it likely has seldom, if ever, been more dangerous or less gratifying. The current wave against law enforcement is a dangerous one that will not serve us in the short term or long term. And, police systems need reform.

Racism is real.

I am so very sorry for the people in Afghanistan, especially the women and girls… to have tasted freedom and then have it taken away is worse than never having tasted it at all.

And, the US can’t stand up freedom on a global scale. And, we spent an amazing amount of money in Afghanistan that could have done so much lasting good in the US… but the government would have never appropriated it for those purposes (like education). And, if it had been spent on existing education methods it would have fallen short of what it should be - as the education methods are uninspired and grossly ineffective in a changing world.

I am so sorry for Afghanistan, and it was right to leave. And, we could have left in such a better, more organized way.

I am sorry for the people of Haiti, and New Orleans.

We are imperfect.

And, yet I go about my life and drink espressos and overeat eat gelato.

I try to be informed, but what do I really do with the little that I know?

If we truly allow ourselves to feel the responsibility of humanity it is overwhelming… it’s not ours alone to solve. And, yet, there are some who do make it their cause. There are many ways of doing good - and requiring ourselves to suffer in order to understand suffering is

We all need to listen to our own voices… the ones that no one else can hear.

It’s hard to celebrate individual success while observing our collective state. I love American culture and espouse it in so many ways - and in many ways it feels foreign to my soul. But, it’s not “American Culture”, it’s more the purpose I have been giving myself, the objective for life that I have been pursuing…

I am imperfect.

And, I am blessed everyday -

So very blessed and fortunate.

I am confused, and energized, and RE searching for clearer meaning and purpose.

I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up…

These conversations help -

We are not alone in the search -

Perhaps we’ve never been closer together.

I want to do good and do well…

Life is more complicated than I care to admit, and so very simple at the same time.

There is seldom a need for “right” and “wrong”… all constructs made by the ego, or mankind to simplify the score.

But, there is some form of justice and injustice. There is love and fear. There is courage and cowardice.

There is engagement and disengagement.

Engagement is productive - though not always for love, too often for fear.

Selfishness, the ego, makes it complicated. Love, the “heart”, makes it simple.

The yin and yang… the self and the universe… the inner and the outer… the disconnected and the connected…

And, there is joy spread everywhere with love… fighting valiantly against the millions of egos confounding it all.

How much is too much…? How much is not enough?

There can never be too much love… and, a little ego goes a long way ;-)

It’s about finding balance.

Your balance.

My balance.

I am out of balance…

and still searching.

in harmony,

Nestor

Uncluttered Mind...

Susy and I recently moved. We lived in our now “old” home for 18 years, and while, in my opinion, we didn’t have a lot of “stuff” in storage - we had and have a lot of “stuff”.

Stay with me on this one…

My dad loved stuff. He had it everywhere.

Most old”er” people love stuff.

Most people “love” stuff.

My dad had “stuff” on every table, in every closet. My godmother who recently passed had a basement full of “stuff”, much of it unopened or unseen for over 30 years.

I love empty spaces. I love modern, simple design when I see it. I long for it.

And yet, I cried, when we talked about getting rid of the Central Park painting that my dad bought on one of our trips to Ocean City, circa 1980. And, I really don’t even like that painting all that much.

I don’t know that it was so much that I wanted to keep it - as much as it was I wasn’t quite ready to let it go.

Clutter, for me at least, creates disharmony. I don’t want to get rid of the old and get rid of those things that remind me of times gone by and yet I want to live in an environment that is clean and open and simple.

But the more time that passes, the more stuff we acquire… The older we get, the more stuff we tend to find on our tables.

I was thinking the other day - what weighs us down is not just the “stuff” we can see, lift and fill our storage rooms with, but it’s much more importantly the stuff we cannot see - the things we “know”, the things we “believe”, the conclusions we’ve made and the way we have chosen to see the world.

Our minds are like our storage rooms. We keep putting conclusions in - and you just can’t keep doing that through life and not expect a cluttered home… and a cluttered mind.

I started reading and learning in the last decade about the importance of “unlearning” and it has fascinated me. I see more clearly my own, and other people’s inability to learn new things, or to consider new things, because their storage is already full with conclusions they’ve drawn in the past… Hence the beauty and power of a young or youthful mind.

It’s why young people in their 20’s innovate new revolutionary concepts into multi-billion dollar companies, while massive multi-national, multibillion dollar companies are battling to eek out another 5%. Their storage is full to see, to attempt, to commit to truly new ideas.

An uncluttered mind and an empty storage are a thing of beauty. They are lighter, less expensive, more efficient.

Giving away some of our furniture from our trip to China won’t make the memories fade of our trips through the endless multiple-football field sized warehouses stacked 10 feet high with dust covered furniture - trying to find our diamond in the rough and the next best deal.

Or, maybe they will.

They might make the memory a little less crisp - or seem a little farther away.

And, getting rid of that furniture may also allow someone else to find new beauty in it - and allow us to make more room for a new memories. Or, just create more room to be more present in the beauty of the now.

It is fear that keeps us hoarding … fear of forgetting, fear of needing it in the future and not being able to find it, or not having the means to buy it again. Or, maybe it’s simply the fear of acknowledging the passing of time.

You can’t have an uncluttered home without giving away the beautiful stuff you once came across and needed.

You can’t have an uncluttered mind without letting go of some of the countless conclusions you’ve committed to memory.

Letting go, I need to keep reminding myself, doesn’t mean the past matters less. It just means the past is past.

Letting go, I have to keep reminding myself, is fundamental if I want to keep evolving into the future.

Letting go, unlearning - is the only path to finding the next best version of me… of us.

Uncluttering our home and our storage is not only an amazing metaphor to life, but I believe is part of a mindset to staying youthful, current, and alive.

If you believe that better is possible.

If you believe that you are still unwrapping the best version of you…

If you want to feel free and light and keep your sense of wonder…

It is so damn hard and sad in moments.

It is saying goodbye and feeling a sense of self-afflicted loss.

Losing everything in storage to a fire feels easy. Giving it all away feels hard.

There is a grieving process to letting go.

It requires us to commit to the past - truly being the past.

To accept in a slightly more comprehensive way that those who have died are truly gone -

including the younger version of ourselves.

Ironically, letting go of our younger self and all that came with it - makes room for a more youhtful self.

But an uncluttered mind allows for a lighter freer heart…

It creates more room for joy

and presence

and possibility.

My heart is heavy with these words and thoughts.

Central Park and NYC will still be there - and my father will always live in my heart.

And, he is gone. And - the painting is the past.

And the past is past.

Unclutter your mind

grieve the losses

make more room for joy.

Lighten your heart.

Clear your table.

Let your soul dance

free

in an empty room

to the beat

of a new

and beautiful

drum.

in harmony,

Nestor

Fear and Scarcity or Love and Abundance

I was on a sailboat last Fall contemplating a big decision in my life, and my dear friend asked,

“Are you thinking about this decision from a mindset of abundance or scarcity, of love or fear?”

I loved the question, and immediately I knew which voice in my head suggested which path.

I am in awe and deeply intrigued by the duality I see in life -

good vs evil

deliberate vs default

truth vs lies

rational vs irrational

republican vs democrat

capitalist vs communist

giving life vs taking life

love vs fear

abundance vs scarcity

In my heart of hearts, while I realize that we are all shades of grey, I also believe that one pole generally defines us. It’s not about wanting to categorize everything (though maybe it is)… It’s about ultimately we all have a personality, a bias, a flavor, a uniqueness…. that is made up from the sum of our “polarities”.

And, the older I get, the clearer I am on what I’d like for my formula to be - and the more honest I can be about where it actually is.

I am motivated by fear more than love.

I am driven more by the fear of scarcity than the faith of abundance.

And, I deeply dislike that about myself.

For those of you know know me, and are saying to yourself “That’s not true, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I say, “I wish you were right, but to allow myself to believe you would deepen my dissapointment in myself ;-)”

I have an amazing life. Of that, I am aware and so very grateful for…

It’s almost amusing -

I fear losing ground.

I don’t think I fear failing, I fear the possibility of my own incompetence.

I don’t think I fear losing as much as I fear taking the leap.

Part of how I have succeeded is by being keenly aware of the competence of others - and working to unleash it.

Part of how I have succeeded is by avoiding taking leaps - and instead taking measured and thoughtful steps.

And yet, it is fear at the heart of those behaviors not courage.

I have courage and stamina and grit… and will work myself out of very difficult situations. And, I lack the courage to put myself in more of those situations more often.

I fear more than I care to admit…

I fear failure on some level -

but, I fear not taking chances even more.

I fear uncertainty, but I fear monotony even more.

I fear consequences, but I fear lying even more.

I fear being seen, but I fear not trying, I fear not being true, I fear wasting time, I fear not pursuing my dreams…

I fear not living my biggest life - even more.

In fact, I know with certainty that it is almost impossible for me to live my “biggest” life - because I have already wasted too much time.

I don’t need to live my biggest life - I just want to live truly learning and applying the lessons that I happen upon every day…

I don’t need to live my biggest life - I just want to keep evolving.

I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. I want to make new, more exciting ones… and learn from them… and grow from there.

And, as a part of that evolution - sometime soon, I want to stop feeding from fear and start feeding from faith…

How would my personality, my decisions, my behavior, my actions be different - if I trusted that life would be abundant as it has been thusfar?

How would the flavor of my days be different and my results be different if I trusted in my own competence and my ability to see and leverage the competence of others as a strength?

It’s less about the results of my life - it’s more about the flavor of my life that I seek to learn and modify.

Ironically, I am afraid that if I start living from abundance, faith and love as the primary motivator - I may lose that which has made me succeed thusfar - the balance of my own humility and risk-aversion coupled with bold goals and ambitions.

I am rational, however, and I laugh at myself and at the irrationality of my own narrative. And, that does not make the feelings any less real.

I am love. I am abundance. That is in my core.

And, I am fear. I fear scarcity. And, that is not my core. But, it is too much a part of my mindset, too much the flavor of my internal dialogue.

There is a lesson here somewhere.

I will continue to surround myself with people who are tapped into faith and abundance. I will continue to seek people who are aware and mindful of the difference.

I will still fear - but I will fear my own status quo even more.

I will not stop learning.

I will not stop growing.

I do have complete faith in my own stubbornness.

I do have the courage to never give up!

in harmony,

Nestor

As Dreams become Reality

It happens so fast -

life does

…

So many of the dreams

that you had as a child -

with time -

become part of your reality.

…

They do.

…

And, somehow -

as dreams transition almost magically,

and through decades of hard work -

into our lives…

they so often lose their wonder,

their energy,

their brilliance…

…

or, do they?

…

What did you dream about as a kid?

What were your dreams in school…

when you went to college…

when you graduated…

when you got married…

when you had your first child…

when you got the job you wanted…

when you bought your first house…

when you got the promotion…

when your kid graduated…

???

What did you dream about?

…

Dreams are so often magical -

for a couple of reasons…

They are not real -

They are illusions,

desires,

goals,

conceptions from our ambition,

from either our internal or external mind -

projecting the lives we aspire to dream onto the

virtual screens of our minds…

And, those dreams inspire us -

they energize us, focus us, guide us, propel us forward…

and life happens.

…

And, in those moments where dreams become real -

there isn’t a flash of light

or a narrator that speaks in the background,

the wheels don’t stop turning,

life does not stop -

and the story seldom slows for you to acknowledge it.

…

It’s just life

happening…

just another day…

And, it’s never perfect,

it’s never quite as you imagined it.

…

Your nose was running,

your feet hurt.

You were worried about that “thing”

at school,

or at work,

or with your girlfriend,

or with your wife.

It was too noisy,

or it smelled bad.

It was too hot,

or it was too cold,

or too windy…

or, it rained

…

That’s the “thing”

about life…

it’s REAL…

and,

REAL is IMPERFECT

…

Only IF

you define PERFECTION

as EVERY ASPECT

of EVERY THING

happening

EXACTLY as you

EXPECT IT

in your MIND.

Or, EVERY ASPECT

of EVERY THING

happening

“FLAWLESSLY”…

(though even the word “Flawless requires interpretation).

…

It is human -

to look with a critical eye,

to expect even more -

And, humans are imperfect.

But, I believe, our souls are perfect -

and it is in our soul - not in our mind -

where true JOY is felt!

…

Ayn Rand said beauty in art had to be the reflection of life’s perfection -

but beauty in life accepted imperfections…

I think it is because there isn’t an alternative when we view life through our human mind -

So we must work to feel life directly into our being…

…

As I look back on my life -

I struggle to accept all of my dreams

that have become part of my reality…

It is beyond overwhelming…

Some say,

“you’ve earned it”

or

“you deserve it”,

and I don’t feel either to be meaningfully accurate.

I didn’t “earn” my muscles working…

I didn’t “earn” moving to the United States as a child…

I didn’t “earn” having an objective or rational mind

(though I hope I am constantly sharpening the tool I was gifted)

I don’t “deserve” the comforts or details of my life

moreso than countless others who don’t get to live it…

I don’t write this to be humble,

It is simply the way life feels.

…

Words that feel more appropriate

are

You dreamt it…

You worked for it

& the universe, God, great fortune -

made it real…

Now -

work to

feel the JOY in it…

ACKNOWLEDGE IT…

the GIFT

of life happening -

dreams coming true.

Feel it

deep in your heart -

and in your mind -

and in your being.

Don’t let

“perfection”

or the childish

or ego-centric

expectation of it

steal the magic

or the wonder

of your dreams

coming

true…

…

Don’t let your

EGO

make you

UNGRATEFUL

…

BE PRESENT

in each moment…

IN EVERY PART

OF YOUR DREAMS

AND YOUR REALITY.

BE HUMBLE.

AND,

LIVE…

and

LAUGH

and

LOVE…

…

As long as your heart keeps beating,

may your mind keep dreaming…

Dreams

inspire us

energize us,

focus us,

& propel us forward…

and

life

happens…

…

Define

“perfection”

as complete

awareness

of the great fortune in your life!

…

Look around -

be present.

you dreamt it,

you worked for it…

and the universe made it so…

Close your eyes,

breathe and

feel the magic

and wonder

warm your heart…

…

JOY

…

in harmony,

Nestor

The Gift of FOUND Time

All time is not created equal.

It is -

in terms of one second = one second,

as a measurement of time.

but one second of joy does NOT equal one second of anxiety.

Think about that…

One second laughter does NOT equal one second of discomfort.

So quantity is quantity, and quantity ain’t the goal!

…

That’s why your mindset matters,

the way you process the things in your life

that consume your time -

“consume” your life, or

provide you with your “rich life experience” ;-)

…

Then there is the concept of FOUND time.

This is a special kind of gift that too often we waste.

FOUND time - I would define as time you didn’t expect to have,

but found yourself having…

…

Let me give you an example…

You were supposed to go on a three day long training trip you are not very excited about to Detroit in the winter (not trying to throw any shade on Detroit, but couldn’t think of another town). And, the night before the trip - the training gets cancelled… The next morning, you don’t have to wake up at 3:30 am to catch that 6 am flight.

…

You were supposed to go on a long hike with friends for the day, or be all day at a soccer tournament, but it rains cats and dogs and there is no way you can go outside…

…

You were supposed to have a three hour meeting on Zoom, and 5 minutes before - it gets pushed a week.

…

You get the idea.

Any time you had in your mind committed time to something, and it gets “freed” up…

In the most significant of ways…

The doctor tells you you’ve got a serious disease and will only live for 6 months, and your body and the medical procedures buy you years…

or

Your father and grandfather (or mother for those of you of the female bias ;-) passed away when they were 50 and now you are 50…

and, in the less significant, but still a gift…

Someone shows up late to a 1 on 1 meeting, and you have 10 minutes with “nothing” to do…

Think of this as micro-found-time (but it can be just as joyous - if not more so).

TIME IS OUR MOST PRECIOUS ASSET…

And, we waste so much of it…

I know some of you will shake your heads “I am not wasting it, I’ve got things to do!”

I know… I know…

And, it’s true.

“Waste” is an unfair and judging word - I apoloize…

We use so much of our time suboptimally -

We spend so much of our time “socially distancing” ourselves from JOY -

We fail to unwrap the gift of so much many of our moments…

And, I would argue - that’s ON US - we have so much more control…

SO

MUCH

MORE

CONTROL

—-

Over BOTH

How we spend our seconds…

And, how we perceive & experience our seconds that are programmed by others.

—-

What do you do with your time?

How do you spend your own “found” time?

Do you fill it with more noise and tasks and to dos and put it back into the universe of the sprint?

Or, do you choose to read a few pages from a book that has captured your imagination?

Does your FOUND time - lead to more FOUND SMILES & LAUGHS and JOY?

Do you agree it could?

Then how do possibly start to create more FOUND time for yourself?

…

All I want

is to be more aware -

more conscious -

more awake (even though that word has lately become politically charged)

of how I spend my time…

…

Because it matters…

Tremendously…

…

A second in silence does not equal a second of noise…

A second of a full heart does not equal a second of fear…

…

There is time all around us-

It’s in front of us,

it’s behind us…

And, none of that matters…

Those are “virtual” worlds (in the old definition of the word ;-),

..

In this, the only REAL world -

The only SECOND and MINUTE that matter -

That you can feel, experience, enjoy or disregard and “waste”…

…

IS

THIS

ONE

…

Smile…

Breathe…

Sit in your own joy…

in the silence of your mind,

listening to the beat of your gracious heart…

…

FIND

MORE

TIME…

…

in harmony,

Nestor

Mornings…

I love mornings…

I love that my body wakes up alive and excited for the day…

I am happy in the morning, light, free…

Every day has great potential -

for me to show up just a little closer to truth.

I love mornings…

It is the time of the day where we get to be young…

where we get to dream and wonder…

what our day,

our life,

will be like…

…

and the day begins

anew

…

in harmony,

Nestor

Evolution...

My mind is changing…

evolving…

as I get older.

And, I like it!

I realize more and more - that it’s all about time.

Time is finite and precious.

And, we waste, I waste, so very much of it.

I don’t have time to do all that I want to do -

if I want to do everything.

And, that is where my mind is changing.

I no longer want to do everything.

I realize I cannot read every book,

go everywhere,

meet with everyone.

Or, at least -

I realize the desire, expectation, need for those things -

come from this strange sense

that in those things I will find the answer,

or some sense of accompiishment or satisfaction.

More and more, as I get older,

I want to do less not more.

But, I want what I do to mean more,

to be more joyful,

and to be more present while I do it.

While it may sound cliche,

life in many ways for me used to be about quantity,

and now I seek not just quality - but meaningfulness, presence, joy.

I want to spend time doing things that feel worth doing,

with people I love.

My body,

My mind,

it seeks a slower pace, it seeks rest.

I don’t like the way that sounds,

but it’s true.

I want to live slower in large part because I’m tired of trying to live faster.

I want to live slower because I can’t recall too many moments that I have sprinted through…

I want to live slower because I feel in my heart that I will actually learn more, feel more, understand more.

I still want to do big things.

in fact, I want to do bigger things than I’ve ever done -

I want to make a much bigger impact than I’ve made.

But, I want to do it in less of a hurry, with more deliberateness…

I don’t want to be busy -

I want to be thoughtfully engaged.

I don’t want to make excuses,

I want to choose wisely.

I don’t want to wait for things that call to me,

I want to do them first.

We don’t know exactly how much time we have -

And, it’s not the fact that time is limited that most inspires me.

It’s how different time feels - when I am doing as I choose, as I know, as I want.

It’s how less good life feels when I am showing up in moments because I need to, not because I want to or choose to.

Something is changing in me as I get older,

and, I like it.

Things that used to be important to me, are less so.

I don’t want to rush to “check boxes”…

I want to stay where I am - and get to know it better.

I want to be where I am and enjoy it more thoroughly.

It’s almost like what I have been seeking in more -

I am realizing may be in less.

What I have been looking for everywhere else -

I am realizing has been possibly inside me all along.

Listen -

I realize, what I have chosen to do, good or bad, has gotten me here.

I am the product of all of my decisions, my pace, my impatience and my perseverance.

I own that - and it has served me well - and it hasn’t.

Here I am.

And, from here, I want to choose more wisely

my thoughts

my actions

my time…

I want to sit in silence.

I want to share and experience life with people whose existence

make my soul smile

and my mind and heart open….

I want to watch the water flow and the sun rise and set…

I want to listen to my body

and my heart…

I want to close my eyes and not be in a hurry to open them.

I want to inhale and not be in a rush to exhale.

I am aware of time -

of time I am wasting

so much time -

less by what I am choosing to do,

and more by how I am choosing to do it.

I want to think of life - not in terms of hours, days and weeks…

but in terms of breaths, and hugs and dreams…

I don’t want “urgent” as my default setting.

I want to make acceptance the priority -

not so much of life,

but of the moment.

I am going to move slower and more deliberately,

choose more wisely,

experience time differently…

Don’t worry about the slight of hand,

find the magic in a slower pace.

It’s so not a race,

it’s a ride…

find joy in every breath…

slow dance to your heart’s beat…

hold hands and don’t let go.

Close your eyes.

Inhale…

keep evolving…

slowly.

in harmony,

Nestor

Motivation...

I hope you read this… really read this and consider the thoughts, your thoughts, and the possibilities…

I was in a Virtual Leadership Session this week - and I was cynical - ”going through the motions” would be a good way to put it. I needed to be present, so I was. And, I struggle with corporate America and bridging the capitalistic needs with the real needs of the human soul. I feel the need for connection between those two - and I live everyday intimately in the tensions and the divide between the two.

The morning session didn’t connect with me - and afterwards there was a breakout led by an intelligent and kind soul whom I enjoy working and leading with… and he asked the scripted question…

“What Motivates You?”

I was taking a walk outside and decided to listen first.

“My family” was mentioned alot.

“Winning” was mentioned a few times…

And, as often happens in these sessions it becomes a platform for people to be seen and heard. So many go off script and start telling you their philosophies or ramble on about what makes them special or worthy.

I don’t judge those people any more. I listen to them. I learn from them. I love them.

We are all just figuring it out.

I was torn between not speaking - and trying to add meaning and focus to the answers.

It compels me to provoke thought and emotion…

It eventually got around to me almost 20 minutes into the conversation…

“Being PRODUCTIVE with my time motivates me”

I shared. I tried to keep it brief, but I expanded on the fact that “productive” means delivering value with my time - not spending time on non sense or fighting artificial foes - it means finding time for me, for joy, for altruism, for laughter, for moving the business forward meaningfully and driving conversations forward toward clarity.

I mentioned that to me - it’s not my family that is a motivation, but rather a beneficiary of my motivation.

Setting an example for my family motivates me - but that falls under making productive use of my time.

I think some people heard me.

Part of my objective was to hear myself - and to consider what I was saying…

Was I posturing and trying to be seen as wise?

Maybe on some level - but more that that I was really trying to add value to the discussion. I wanted us to go deeper.

What does it really mean when we say “our family” motivates us. That isn’t clear or actionable to me. Figuring out how to be most productive with my time - that’s closer to the mark for me…

I found myself engaged in the discussion sincerely (while always holding some cynicism). I think more and more that the cynicism is a protection mechanism. IT’s easier to be cynical - than to fully feel the awesome and overwhelming opportunity and responsibility of leadership with integrity. I expect myself to deliver on the promise of being the bridge - the connection - between what we do, how we do it and why we do it. I want to deliver meaning and value to the wonderful and dedicated souls that make our company real… I want to bridge the gaps with their expectations - and deliver on the company’s goals and to fully own that is beyond scary… it overwhelms me. I don’t think I have the intelligence or the courage to deliver on that - but that is my motivation.

I was thinking this morning - What motivates me?

Is it really “being meaningfully productive with my time?” It is - but there’s got to be a higher level…

And, these thoughts come to mind…

I want to know my Truth. I want to know who I really am.

I want to know Love.

I want to know Joy.

Some people call it wanting to know God - or reach Nirvana.

Being productive with my time is a means to an end - not a true motivation.

And, if you’ve been in this conversation for awhile - you probably realize I don’t see the thoughts above as an “end” or “destination” but as a compass that guides me as to whether I am getting closer or farther away never actually expecting to arrive.

Who am I - if the world hadn’t imposed it’s rules, it’s laws, it’s moral codes? I know I am kind. I know I value truth and justice. Who are you?

What is love? I believe it is connectedness, devotion, selflessness, empathy… By knowing it - I want to linger in it - in every moment.

What is joy? A light heart… a full heart… a quiet mind… gratitude, wonder, laughter, peace… PRESENCE

What motivates me?

I want to know TRUTH…

I want to know LOVE…

I want to know JOY…

I want to LIVE in truth…

I want to LIVE in love…

I want to LIVE in joy…

I am not sure corporate America is ready for me ;-)… Not sure that I am… I hope I have the courage…

What motivates you?

in harmony,

Nestor