Maybe this is just my view,
and exposes too much about me...
But then again, maybe not ;-)
I think as human beings, we want ONE thing...
(NO not JUST that silly boys)...
We want to know that WE ARE ENOUGH.
Marriage is the single hardest relationship in life, because we cannot escape it - meaning we cannot separate it, emotionally, from who we are.
The second most difficult relationship is parenting. But, on some level as our children grow, we cannot help but acknowledge on some level, that they are human beings on a different trajectory than ourselves. Some parents accept this reality earlier than others.
But, back to marriage.
With our spouse - we grow, we age, we live and for a little less than half of all marriages, we die.
Remember, the ONE thing from above...
We want to know that we are ENOUGH - and marriage is the one relationship, we cannot emotionally separate from ourselves.
SO, for ME to be ENOUGH, my marriage needs to be ENOUGH.
And, check this out, there are TWO of us in the marriage.
So, IF I don't feel like enough, I can always blame my spouse. And, that allows me to pretend for at least a moment, that maybe I am enough.
So very wrong, so very often.
Feeling like we are enough - truly and meaningfully enough is close to NIRVANA.
Note I am not saying "I HAVE ENOUGH"... but rather "I AM ENOUGH".
So, marriage is difficult because a successful one, which I aspire to demands two things:
1. To be engaged in the conversation and the AFFIRMATION of "being enough" in whatever form you are able to have that conversation.
And,
2. To be actively doing all that we can assuring EACH OTHER that you are indeed enough... in fact MORE than enough!
Think about it...
Is it not what attracts us to people to begin with... the reality that they make us feel great about ourselves. They make us feel like life is fuller, better, happier when they are around...
And, then marriage happens,
and work happens,
and kids happen,
and money happens,
or doesn't,
and age happens,
and sickness,
and sports, and health, and time, and lawn cutting, and teenagers, and in the words of the GRINCH, "NOISE, NOISE, NOISE"...
And, through it all -
We still need ONE thing - To know that we are ENOUGH...
And, with all of the other minutia, and distractions, and noise... feeling like enough becomes less and less and less of a priority for the married couple.
And we look elsewhere for affirmation that we are enough...
From more money, from working out, from our friends, from beer and wine, from God... from everything other than our spouse, and so very often, we blame them for our own insecurity or dislike about ourselves - because they are the only relationship that lends itself intimately to us...
I remember our pastor during one of our few conversations before marriage telling us, "YOU must remain the priority. YOUR LOVE must remain the priority, AND, your children, whom you will love, will learn from your love as husband and wife. THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP MUST BE BETWEEN YOU TWO."
I heard him, and it made sense. It sounded smart and doable... kind of like "don't snack between meals" but its easier said than done.
Even I think the word "marriage" these days carries a connotation that is not all positive.
"Marriage" is the contractual agreement.
"Love" is perhaps the currency of marriage, but I would argue of all relationships.
"Commitment" is the discipline, the foundation, the challenge and the gift of this thing we call marriage...
Not a commitment necessarily to "provide", or to "love", or to "co-parent"... as much as
TO BE YOUR VOICE,
THE VOICE,
THAT SAYS TO YOU through words & actions
in the grandest and smallest of gestures...
YOU, MY LOVE, MY WIFE, ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH...
And, to have that one person in your life, that without you demanding it,
is that voice for you...
And the egregious mistake that is so consistently made, so continuously made in marital relationships, and possibly in many others is the... "he didn't so I didn't" or "she doesn't so I don't" mentality...
We long for that voice, and when it doesn't come, we don't give it back, and the circle widens and distances... harmony begets harmony and disharmony begets disharmony...
And, there the sage advice is known, "GO FIRST"... "Be first"... "Be the change you wish to see in the world", etc... and too often, I fail to go first... And, I aspire to be better than that...
Marriage is that hard, because LOVING ourselves deeply and fully is that hard..
Marriage ends up either giving us a person to blame, or a partner to engage in that oh so important journey to love ourselves... and their voice to carry us across the many valleys of doubt, until we learn to fly together.
Because as human beings;
we doubt ourselves constantly...
Yet we long, deeply and ardously...
not to doubt, but to believe that we are indeed...
ENOUGH.
And, no relationship bears the burden of that weight,
nor can enjoy the fruit of that gift and certainty
moreso than marriage...
If we stay in the conversation,
And speak to it with actions,
and love,
and commitment...
in harmony,
Nestor