I was on a sailboat last Fall contemplating a big decision in my life, and my dear friend asked,
“Are you thinking about this decision from a mindset of abundance or scarcity, of love or fear?”
I loved the question, and immediately I knew which voice in my head suggested which path.
I am in awe and deeply intrigued by the duality I see in life -
good vs evil
deliberate vs default
truth vs lies
rational vs irrational
republican vs democrat
capitalist vs communist
giving life vs taking life
love vs fear
abundance vs scarcity
In my heart of hearts, while I realize that we are all shades of grey, I also believe that one pole generally defines us. It’s not about wanting to categorize everything (though maybe it is)… It’s about ultimately we all have a personality, a bias, a flavor, a uniqueness…. that is made up from the sum of our “polarities”.
And, the older I get, the clearer I am on what I’d like for my formula to be - and the more honest I can be about where it actually is.
I am motivated by fear more than love.
I am driven more by the fear of scarcity than the faith of abundance.
And, I deeply dislike that about myself.
For those of you know know me, and are saying to yourself “That’s not true, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I say, “I wish you were right, but to allow myself to believe you would deepen my dissapointment in myself ;-)”
I have an amazing life. Of that, I am aware and so very grateful for…
It’s almost amusing -
I fear losing ground.
I don’t think I fear failing, I fear the possibility of my own incompetence.
I don’t think I fear losing as much as I fear taking the leap.
Part of how I have succeeded is by being keenly aware of the competence of others - and working to unleash it.
Part of how I have succeeded is by avoiding taking leaps - and instead taking measured and thoughtful steps.
And yet, it is fear at the heart of those behaviors not courage.
I have courage and stamina and grit… and will work myself out of very difficult situations. And, I lack the courage to put myself in more of those situations more often.
I fear more than I care to admit…
I fear failure on some level -
but, I fear not taking chances even more.
I fear uncertainty, but I fear monotony even more.
I fear consequences, but I fear lying even more.
I fear being seen, but I fear not trying, I fear not being true, I fear wasting time, I fear not pursuing my dreams…
I fear not living my biggest life - even more.
In fact, I know with certainty that it is almost impossible for me to live my “biggest” life - because I have already wasted too much time.
I don’t need to live my biggest life - I just want to live truly learning and applying the lessons that I happen upon every day…
I don’t need to live my biggest life - I just want to keep evolving.
I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. I want to make new, more exciting ones… and learn from them… and grow from there.
And, as a part of that evolution - sometime soon, I want to stop feeding from fear and start feeding from faith…
How would my personality, my decisions, my behavior, my actions be different - if I trusted that life would be abundant as it has been thusfar?
How would the flavor of my days be different and my results be different if I trusted in my own competence and my ability to see and leverage the competence of others as a strength?
It’s less about the results of my life - it’s more about the flavor of my life that I seek to learn and modify.
Ironically, I am afraid that if I start living from abundance, faith and love as the primary motivator - I may lose that which has made me succeed thusfar - the balance of my own humility and risk-aversion coupled with bold goals and ambitions.
I am rational, however, and I laugh at myself and at the irrationality of my own narrative. And, that does not make the feelings any less real.
I am love. I am abundance. That is in my core.
And, I am fear. I fear scarcity. And, that is not my core. But, it is too much a part of my mindset, too much the flavor of my internal dialogue.
There is a lesson here somewhere.
I will continue to surround myself with people who are tapped into faith and abundance. I will continue to seek people who are aware and mindful of the difference.
I will still fear - but I will fear my own status quo even more.
I will not stop learning.
I will not stop growing.
I do have complete faith in my own stubbornness.
I do have the courage to never give up!
in harmony,
Nestor