INTEGRITY

For a long time, I struggled to understand what the word meant...

I just didn't get it.

It was too amorphous, too vague,

and now I do.

In fact, as I continue to grow older,

INTEGRITY is possibly ALL I want...

The reason that I am passionate about HARMONY,

is because HARMONY speaks not only to who I am,

but to what I believe to be NECESSARY in the world.

Every DAY is an opportunity to move our life forward - 

one step closer.... TO ALIGNMENT...

In fact, ALIGNMENT is probably the word I relate INTEGRITY most to...

ALIGNMENT of our 

spirituality,

physicality,

philosophy,

values,

behaviors,

decisions...

If we are paying attention,

as we grow up,

we grow less tolerant,

more aware,

more demanding

for integrity in our lives...

Sometimes I want integrity so much,

it hurts...

It unsettles me 

I want it all to make sense... desperately...

I want to tune out all that doesn't matter, all that is NOT me in my life.

And, then we introduce others - and our integrity must be balanced with their integrity.

Which  is why ALL intimate relationships are a profound challenge and gift...

because they require us to reach a shared integrity - with our spouse, with our children, with our work...

It becomes more complicated as we get clearer on what we want,

and we get more mindful of the complexities of the compromises, the trade-offs.

INTEGRITY abhors trade-offs, and compromises in life are real and necessary...

So then it forces us to weed out one more time ALL THAT DOES NOT MATTER - 

because the LESS that matters,

the MORE we understand that VERY little truly matters to our integrity - 

the less that matters - THE GREATER THE INTEGRITY THAT WE CAN ACHIEVE IN OUR LIVES.

It's hard to let go of the noise... the little stuff... to RELEARN who we are and tune out the noise.

Every day we get another opportunity -

NOT as much to be happy,

but to MAKE LIFE MAKE SENSE,

to live with INTEGRITY, with ALIGNMENT,

to bring to LIFE WHO WE ARE...

in how we live,

how we love,

how we work,

how we relate,

and in all aspects of who we are.

INTEGRITY is possibly the greatest force driving us...

A desire and a hunger for it...

And, to achieve it, 

you must define it...

and, to achieve it,

you must fight for it...

with all that you are

in every moment...

What is the INTEGRITY you seek?

WHO are you?

WHO am I?

We are every aspect of our lives,

in every moment...

And, I want it to make sense.

I want to be TRUE to me

and WHO I am

in all that I do.

I get it now...

in harmony,

Nestor

Where will I BE?

Last night as I laid in bed

I thought...

Where was I 10 years ago?

and perhaps more importantly, 

where will I BE 10 years from now? 

I was looking at pictures...

10 years ago

my mother wasn't yet diagnosed with Alzheimer's...

my boys were just little boys...

running a company successfully was still a dream...

The great recession hadn't  achieved its greatness...

I hadn't summarized for myself the concept of harmony...

so much felt so far away...

it seems like so long ago...

which begs the question, 

where will I be

where will you be

10 years from now? 

Will I be at all? 

Who among us will suffer a great tragedy? 

Who among us will achieve great success...?

Well my boys be healthy? 

be married? 

be happy? 

which of my dreams will I have made true? 

which will I still be pursuing? 

will I manage to make some difference in the world around me? 

will I feel stronger than I do today? 

Will you? 

Who knows? 

in the spirit of pictures don't lie, 

I look back and see

how much life has changed

how many emotions we've enjoyed

and endured. ..

I look at how much we've grown and how far we've come,

and I see how far we still have yet to go...

and yet...

Who knows what the future will bring? 

what joy? 

what sadness? 

... 

we cannot know,

and thus I would argue

we shouldn't care. ..

meaning that we should accept the vastness of all we can't control.

where are me we be in five years,

or three, 

or one? 

Who knows? 

Who cares? 

The older I get, the less time I spend thinking about who I want to be, and the more time I spend thinking about who I am...

 Because who I am today is everything.

It is the only version of me that I can fully control... 

The only version of me that can show love, 

influence the world,

do harm or do good. 

It's not really that I don't care what my life will look like in 10 years...

I certainly care... 

but I must be careful caring too much about what I cannot control... 

what I cannot affect... 

because if it turns out differently, it will be a source of disharmony... 

We cannot help but wonder about the future... 

but the wisdom would argue... 

WHERE WILL YOU BE TODAY? 

WHO will you BE today? 

Or better yet... 

WHO ARE YOU... today? 

Because WHO you are TODAY? 

HOW YOU THINK TODAY? 

WHAT YOU DO TODAY... 

WHAT I DO TODAY... 

Is by far the most important thing that I can do for tomorrow, for next year and for the next decade....

I laid in bed thinking about what my life might look like in 10 years... 

and I smiled... 

and my curiosity got the better of me... 

may I be blessed to find out someday... 

may I be fortunate enough to have the gift of another decade...

with the love and the beauty and the suffering that time inherently includes... 

but I won't worry about WHERE MY LIFE will be then... 

I can't worry... 

I can't control that... 

WHERE WILL MY LIFE... 

WHERE WILL MY MIND, 

MY HEART, 

MY FOCUS  

BE TODAY? 

WHO WILL I BE TODAY? 

Will I embrace my IS? 

Will I act on my WANT? 

TODAY... 

because  

who I AM... 

IS

the greatest source

of who I will ever and always BE... 

Nothing beyond this moment

is guaranteed... 

And only this very moment can you influence... 

WHO WILL YOU BE? 

WHERE WILL YOUR MIND

YOUR LOVE

YOUR HEART  

BE... 

RIGHT

NOW...

in Harmony,

Nestor

pictures don't LIE

I love that pictures don't lie...

In some cases, perhaps many, they may tell an incomplete story,

a moment in time...

a "snapshot" of what was going on...

But, pictures don't lie.

I must say that turning 50 has made me more mindful...

of time passing,

of people who matter,

of our limited existence on earth...

My cousins and my wife made a photo montage,

a slide show, for my birthday.

We all sat and watched and smiled,

and laughed and watched,

and smiled,

and watched,

and laughed,

and watched...

...

It brought back many memories of 

growing up

of the colorful and wonderful start of my life,

of Peru...

of my beautiful grandmother who was love personified,

of the Pavillion in Rockville, Maryland,

of my sisters while they shared this world with me,

of our many adventures as teenagers,

of my oldest cousin when where still in awe of him,

of school and of college,

of our trip to Machu Picchu as a couple,

of my uncle who used to be my hero,

of the beach,

of Cincinnati,

of our wedding,

of our first home,

of our years in China,

of our first born,

of our adventures as parents in Asia,

of our trips to Greece and Europe and Australia,

of living in Texas,

of our second born,

of our home in Gaithersburg,

of the innocent and impressionable faces in my sons eyes,

of my father-in-law, may he rest in peace,

of our third born,

of our "new" home (now 14 years old),

of my lovely cousin before the virus attacked her brain and left her a quadraplegic,

of our trip out West,

of our trip to Machu Picchu as a family with my parents,

of my mother when she could still talk and fight,

of our trip to Italy,

of our day on the bay,

of 

of the boys, the boys, the boys...

of our friends, our friends, our friends...

of the long and amazing journey that my wife and I have lived through,

of my cousins... aunts and uncles...

of people who have come and gone...

of unforgettable relationships that have faded away...

of amazing relationships that have evolved and flowered...

of time passing...

of so many sunsets

and oceans

and continents

smiles

laughter

tears

births

deaths

illness

time...

Pictures don't lie... 

and they each tell a story,

of a moment...

and at some point

you look at all of your moments 

and realize 

they equal a fortune...

and the question fills my mind...

Am I grateful enough for the great wealth of my life?

Am I mindful enough of the pace that it moves?

Am I courageous enough to live more deliberately?

pictures don't lie...

life is amazing...

thrilling

challenging

sad...

And, above all...

Finite, at least in our current form,

in our present state... 

We have a nearly boundless quantity of emotion...

And, above all we have a choice...

in every moment...  

before the picture is taken... 

even if there is no camera around. 

we have a choice,  

to

LOVE with boundless energy,

MINDFUL

GRATEFUL

AND

DELIBERATE... 

because our

time is finite... 

pictures

don't 

lie...

choose harmony,

Nestor

The DANCE: Impact vs Completion - Performance Reviews

There is this dance that we do with our work and possibly with our lives.

It's not the "do it once and do it right" type mentality.

It's more the "effective vs efficient" discussion.

Today - let me talk about Performance Reviews.

We want to make sure our performance reviews get completed at our company.  And, we want them to be valuable, meaningful, impactful and worthwhile.  That is a massive challenge.

To make something meaningful, impactful, worthwhile can take a lot of thought and a lot of time.

We came up with a process that makes a lot of sense and focuses on the "ONE thing" you can do that will have the greatest impact on your professional career and on the company.  We give people a fair amount of room around that thought.

It doesn't have to be measurable, though it should be specific.

There is no "right" answer.

It can benefit the employee more, or the company more, doesn't matter.

What matters is that it is something meaningful that the employee is passionate about and that makes a real impactful contribution to them, the company, or ideally both! (In my mind, ANY employee doing something they are passionate about, has a positive affect on the company).

We have a quick discussion about strengths and opportunities.   Ideally, more of a conversation.  If the employee is underperforming - there is a separate process for that discussion.   The performance review is meant for people that are "performing" and we want them to grow and enjoy their experience with the company more and perform even better at the same time.

So, in order to get it done, we put the entire process into our web-based tool that facilitates email notifications, reporting, etc.

The MOMENT we put it into that system, it gives a "corporate" flavor to the exercise.  It's hard to have a really personal conversation when at the end I have to ask you to hit the "I Agree" button.

And, trying to administer 500 reviews and keep track of them requires some kind of system.

So, last year we started.  We got 90+% complete throughout the year, but most people discussed the "ONE thing" only during the review, and many of the "one things" were fairly trivial or less than passionate activities.

THINK ABOUT IT... What is the ONE thing you would love to get better at?  The ONE way you want to GROW this year?  The ONE thing, that if you accomplished it, would have the greatest impact on your life, or at least your working life AND on the company?  THAT'S AN EXCITING CONVERSATION... or at least it has the potential to be.

We need everyone to bring the right energy to that discussion.  Especially the managers.  So, to do it IMPACTFULLY requires training, requires setting up the people giving the conversation not only with the right idea of what we are trying to accomplish, but also with the right mindset, and the right 'approach and skill set' to facilitate it... TALL ORDER.

And, then we push people to GET IT DONE, on top of your daily workload of course.

We initially set a goal that all of the plans be done by March 31st.  That was too aggressive. So, we moved it to April 30th.  We had 95% complete by April 30th and we got to 100% in May.  First time ever as a company that we got 100% done this early.  AWESOME!

Now, we go back and look at the quality of the one things, and there is great variability.  As you would expect.  

Raise your glass 100% completion earlier than ever before!  YAY!  

But wait... my goal was not to do 100%, but to impact the lives of as many of our employees in a positive way with this process.  Where is our follow up?  

And, are we giving people feedback on their one things to make them clear and impactful... to evolve them... to stay engaged with them... that is the next step.

I am too critical - people that work with me tell me that.  Because, I am constantly dissatisfied with the IS.  And, while there is truth to that... I appreciate the IS... We have accomplished a better outcome than we ever have before.  That deserves celebrating.  But, that wasn't my goal.  That is a step toward our goal.  We have "completion" but we want "impact".

And, true, without any additional input, there will be "some" impact from this effort.  But, think of all of the impact there could be - with every person we truly engage in this exercise - not just to "completion" but to "purpose".

I see this struggle in virtually ALL business exercises and processes, as well as life ones by the way... "Getting it done" vs "Maximizing the Impact".  I see it everyday.

The truth is that you "maximizing the impact" is a function of time... It is in large part, time to think, and then the time to execute that thinking.

The thoughts that I can create and execute in an hour or a day, are different than the thoughts that I can create and execute in a week, or a month or a year.

Tryiing to maximize the impact of everything scares people.  I get that.  And, I am guilty of that too often.  I want to maximize the impact of every friendship, of every process, of every workout...  A lot of people don't like or appreciate that pressure.  I am not sure I do.... It's just who I am.

LIFE (and business) requires COMPROMISE.

We want the GREATEST IMPACT in the TIME ALLOTTED for that task...  and the TIME allotted should be set by the strategic impact of the task itself.

We often fail at prioritizing... and we end up giving time to the thing we care about most, or is most nagging, or is most urgent, instead of the one that will make the biggest impact.

This is where alignment of leaders in companies (or parents) is so important.

i do believe that with little effort you can exponentially transform the experience of things.

And, I also believe that everything can also be better.

And, I also KNOW that if we try to maximize everything - we FAIL at everything.

It is much better to decide and move forward and submit things with partial quality AND then come back to them and iterate them further, than not submit them at all.

I heard a exercise coach just yesterday saying, "SOME ACTION is better than INACTION".  I get it and completely agree...

And, my job, or my fiber, is to make WHATEVER ACTION we take more purposeful... because I am convinced it makes the execution of that action more interesting and the return on that time more meaningful.

Life is a constant battle - or better - dance between completion and impact.  It requires people who are more inclined to both - otherwise it's a line dance, and who really likes those?

I want an interpretive, free-style, improvised dance between completion and impact.  I want them both... I just don't want anything to be mechanical... done for the sake of doing it... done "just to check the box"...

That... in my opinion is a sin.  I don't want my name on anything that is done just to "check a box"...

Life is to short...

Be aware of the trade-offs...

Engage even briefly in the possibility of impact...

Make it count... but it never counts if its never done.

in harmony,

Nestor

Just Wednesday

So much to write... 

so little time. 

I promise I will soon....

For now, I will leave you with this thought...  

Are you aware of your harmony and disharmony?  Do you pause to notice how different it feels? 

I ran a triathlon on Sunday.  14 years in a row.  I received lovely support from the family and friends, and in my heart I felt disharmony.  I took off 10 minutes from last year.  I felt really strong, but the feeling that owned me was, "I wish I was in better shape". 

Sunday night we had a difficult conversation with my son.  We are struggling with the right balance for independence.  The feeling that owned me was wishing he was happier with his life.

Yesterday afternoon, I realized I double booked myself for today.  I signed up for a field trip to New York, and had also committed to spend half a day with a friend I love to brainstorm our lives strategies together.  The depth of disharmony I felt for having let him down was massive.  "I wish I had been more careful.  At a minimum, I wish I would have communicated it to him weeks ago when I noticed the double booking as I meant to, but somehow forgot to."  The feeling that owned me was, "I wish I hadn't been so careless. I wish I hadn't forgotten to communicate with him, that I could do something to make this conflict disappear." 

I notice my harmony and disharmony every day.  I feel it, but I feel it deliberately. In most cases, kind of like tasting something without actually digesting it... 

The miss with the scheduling for today had multiple dimensions.  

The disharmony taste was like a pure extract.

And, I notice as I continue to grow in my understanding that I am careful and deliberate with my disharmony.   I don't often let it linger.  It doesn't mean that I was not deeply embarrassed or disappointed, but it means that I come back to... and I get to deliver on one of my two promises today and spend the day with my son in New York and I am fortunate for many reasons to be able to do that. 

The disharmony of wanting to be more fit is harder to taste without digesting, and that's because of fatigue.  I have felt that disharmony for a long, long time.  And, I am showing up in the next moment and trying to change my behaviors yet again.  I have to remind myself that as disappointed as I am with my results from Sunday, they are still better than most of my times over the past 14 years, and I enjoyed the race itself more.

There are momentary diaharmonies and persistent disharmonies that stay with us.  Be careful with the ones that linger over time.  They grow roots and are harder to dislodge ;-)

Tony Robbins says our brains are designed to be in a constant state of "stress"... that is our physiology.  We look for things to worry about. 

The key, he suggests, is developing the ability to quickly redirect, reinterpret, and reframe those thoughts into a better context. 

Indeed... 

Every moment has components of disharmony and harmony... 

Every pleasure is a compromise... 

Every challenge is an opportunity... 

Be mindful of your harmony

AND your disharmony. 

Dont expect not to feel both - that's not realistic nor rational.  At least not until we reach a level of high enlightenment - that term makes more and more sense to me everyday. 

NOTICE your feelings... and use them not to flavor your day but to guide your mind... use them to steer... 

I am thinking of you my friend, and love that we have a connection so deep that I get the pleasure of missing it and wanting more of it.

And, while riding North on 95, breathing deep and feeling grateful that my life affords me the means and the time to take a day with my son AND that technology allows me to stay connected to you... (And, to work ;-)

Are you aware of your harmony and disharmony?  Do you pause to notice how different it feels?  

Notice it and USE it to steer more often and more deliberately...

toward harmony, 

Nestor

THE JOY or not OF MARRIAGE

So this is my last conversation on the pursuit of joy for a while. 

I could keep at it,

but there is so much more to discuss.

Marriage is the most important relationship in the pursuit of JOY...

Except, of course, other than the relationship we have with ourselves.

The pursuit of joy is our most primal motivator as human beings.  We just start to understand this,

and then we get married ;-)

Accepting the importance of the pursuit of joy in our lives is essential in our ability to productively and effectively relate to other human beings.   

In most cases no other human being in our lives is more affected by our pursuit of joy than our spouse.  And, typically, no other human being has as much potential influence over our joy as our spouse.  No pressure ;-)

You’ve heard the expression “happy wife, happy life!”  There is truth in that, but the full truth is “happy wife, happy husband, happy life.”  ;-)

I would classify marriage into three buckets (love my threes).  In one, we are artists painting the same painting together each with our own brush.  In two, we are artists painting our own paintings side by side.  In three, we are in each other’s way, taking each other’s brush, stealing each other’s inspiration.

1.  ALIGNED TO JOY

These are the marriages were both partners share a common vision for and pursuit of joy.  In this scenario both spouses are ideally supporting, encouraging and enabling joy for each other.  This is what I believe we all want and actually expect (thought it is not often verbalized). 

I love the quote by unknown that goes something like,

"Being in love is not about running to each other arms wide open, but rather holding hands and running in the same direction."  So very true!

Yes, there should be JOY in each other.  But, I would argue much of the joy we find in our spouse is born of the reality that they share our path and passion for joy.  It comes from the support they have and give for our mutual JOY in life.  (We will come back to this).

I don't mean to be cynical, but I see this scenario truly being the case in fewer than 10% of the marriages I have known (and that's being generous).

2.  PARALLEL JOY

This is a dangerous choice, and more common with the first. 

I will find happiness on my own (i.e. I go to the gym, I hang out with my friends, I watch my own shows, I have a vision for my own joy and my spouse isn't a part of that vision).  And the spouse has their own.  We are just "sharing the kids and the house and some friends" along the way ;-)

This can work - but usually doesn't.  It leads occasionally to "happy" people, but in most cases the marriage has resentment because I believe we all want and expect to share our joy and live in joy with our life partner.  And, when we don’t – we tend to blame them (not ourselves).

Perhaps at one time when marriage was more a practical relationship to breed children, work the farm and share assets and familial lines - parallel joy was more than enough.  When we lived in a patriarch society when one partner mattered more than the other – maybe it worked.  I doubt it – I think people just put up with it.

But, in the world today – we have more and expect more.  We seek greater enlightenment, greater meaning and a more equal partnership in marriage.  We have the luxury to pursue meaning and purpose and the greatest love and joy we can create... parallel joy leaves too much on the table – it leaves possibly the greatest joy of all on the table – sharing our lives and our joy deeply and intimately with one person above all others.

From my very scientific study (ha) – I would say 20 - 30% of relationships tend to play here.

3.  OBSTRUCTIONS TO JOY

As I write, I am truly inspired by these thoughts – though they may sound cynical.  I believe that if we thought more about these things – we would achieve greater harmony In our lives and in our marriages.

If you are a math person, you’ve already concluded that this “OBSTRUCTIONS TO JOY” category is 60 – 70% of marriages.  Before you roll your eyes at me, remember this fact… 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Which of these three categories do you think the vast majority of divorces would fall? Are you still rolling your eyes?  WHY do 50% of marriages end in divorce?  And, why are so many of the ones left less than satisfying?

Because, in this most common scenario…

Spouses SEE each other as OBSTRUCTIONS to JOY!

What do you do with obstructions?  You either get rid of them, or you sit in front of them and complain.  Know any marriages like this?

We have a vision of joy for ourselves that frames our “pursuit” and our spouse is not only not helping us make it real – they are getting in the way. 

In this scenario spouses tend to make each other feel smaller than they are, not larger.  They use guilt to try to coerce the other to fall in line with what they seek for joy.  In simple terms, it could be one spouse wants to live on the shore and the other one likes the city.  One is ambitious and defines joy by achievement and the other is not.  One is into their physical being – fitness, mindfulness and the other one doesn’t value that.  One is materialistic and defines joy by buying things and the other is not.  One is affectionate and defines joy by touch and the other one does not.  There are countless ways that we all define joy – and it is easy to have meaningful misses in our vision of joy – that distances spouses and then leads to resentment and then leads to obstruction.  “If I can’t be happy then you sure as heck can’t either.”  People don’t say this out loud.  Some may not even admit to saying it in their heads – but it happens.

Achieving joy is a hard enough task without having someone working against you (beyond yourself of course ;-) 

Here is the irony, or the sad part about this scenario… so very often, we become an obstruction to joy because we BLAME our spouse, instead of ourselves for our lack of joy!  Our spouse is right next to us.  If I am not happy, I don’t like the way it feels.  I don’t like the way feeling responsible for it feels.  And, heck, here you are right next to me.  Why aren’t you doing more to help me?  In fact, you are part of the reason why I am not happy.  And soon, you are the whole reason why I am not happy.  Not true and not fair – but I am certain this happens, and happens often. 

And, as you know, life happens in the moment.  Often the “obstructions” to joy are not massive or material – they are momentary.  We become obstructions in sound bytes… It’s in what we say, or don’t say.  How we respond or don’t respond to our spouses that either supports their pursuit of joy or obstructs it.  It isn’t just what we say or don’t… it’s how we say it.

HECK – it’s hard!  If we are motivated at our core by joy and the pursuit of joy -  then every request our spouse makes is a request for joy.  Where should we go to dinner?  Can you be home by 5?  Can we watch a show together? What are you doing? 

Even the very simple “HOW ARE YOU?”… 

for me when my wife answers with happiness and light… I am JOYFUL.  Because her happiness is a very important part of the joy I seek in life, and consider myself at least partially responsible for…  when my wife answers with concern and heaviness… it is not joyful.  And, that’s not fair… TO HER!  She gets to be who she is and feel as she feels and she gets to respond as she wants!  So, she may be having a tough day and her response triggers defensiveness from me, and now she is less joyful because she thinks I don’t care about her joy, or about her problems… do you see this dynamic?

Often its much more obvious than that – and spouses are very explicit about disliking each other or each other’s behavior.  Sometimes it’s more subtle.

If we accept that we seek joy in all that we do and all that we are, then our mission in marriage should be to help our spouse find joy in as many moments as possible… and do all that we can to share in that joy… and in that pursuit of more – that aligns us – binds us – and if both of us do it, ultimately makes us ONE!

Remember, life and Harmony happens in moments.  Truth is in our marriages we spend time in ALL three of these scenarios.  The question is, are we conscious in each moment where we are?  Are we deliberately putting ourselves in the first bucket, possibly the second? We live in moments, and we often fail to achieve the version of ourselves or our partnership that we ultimately want... but in every moment we try again.  We are all guilty of all three scenarios, and are all achieving all three scenarios.... the net of it is... which one creates the overall flavor of your relationship?

 I believe we are in motion, our relationships are in motion.  We are always moving closer together or farther apart in any relationship.  A shared pursuit of joy keeps pulling us closer.  A lack of alignment for joy pulls us apart.

This is why “date nights” are important.,, This is why finding common interests is so key…finding things that you enJOY doing together – so that you want to do MORE of them… 

If more and more of our desire for joy takes us in directions away from our spouse, a happy marriage is less and less likely.

It is absolutely fine obviously to have independent interests – but it is essential that there must also be shared ones…

Affection and sex are a source of joy but also and perhaps most importantly affection and sex are a celebration of alignment in joy.  It makes sense that the less a couple is aligned for joy, the less likely they are to be frequently “celebrating” it.

We all seek happiness… limitless felicity…

that is a tall order.

And, in life, we get to experience that journey with all the people we know on some level, but with one above all others.

And, in marriage, your pursuit of joy becomes interdependent with that of your spouse. Their joy must be equal in importance in your mind to yours.  That’s hard.  And, the pursuit must be compatible.  And, on some level the pursuit must be aligned… and you can make it so. 

And, when life isn’t going as you expect it – and you find yourself longing for more joy – you must look in the mirror – not at the other side of your bed…

I am not saying that all marriages can work, or should work.  I don’t believe that.

I am saying marriage ONLY works if there is a shared pursuit of joy, an empathy and a consideration that is deliberate, constant and persistent… by both partners.

Marriage works most beautifully when it becomes a true partnership that doesn’t impede our path to JOY but ensures it…

When I doubt, you reassure.

When you doubt, I reassure.

When I dream, you dream with me… maybe not about the same thing, but supportive of my vision.

When you dream, I dream with you… supportive of your vision.

And, slowly overtime as we age…

It becomes less clear who dreamt what…

my dreams become your dreams, your dreams become my dreams... 

my joy becomes your joy, and yours becomes mine... 

I am not saying that all marriages can work, or should work.  I don’t believe that.

But, marriage is our most intimate pursuit of joy, the one that touches most closely to our being… and we must be very gentle and aware of each other…

the consequences are life altering...

And,

if done right,

it is

(in Ayn Rand’s words),

“then and only then, is it the greatest reward of man’s existence.”

in harmony,

Nestor

P.S.  I reserve the right to write one more conversation about JOY, with respect to how it plays out in our relationship with our work.  For now - just be joyful and have a great day!

pursuit of joy... children

So, back to our conversation about the 

pursuit of JOY.

I am starting again with the premise that our "pursuit of JOY" is the core of our essence, of our motivation, of our being.

That being the case, our desire for JOY influences everything in our lives... 

it influences

HOW WE THINK 

about everything!

And, those relationships, or those aspirations, or those things that we most covet or care about are the ones MOST affected.

There are very few relationships, if any, that take precedent to our children.

I see so much disharmony when it comes to parent-child relationships.

We just had a passionate debate about this topic a week ago with some dear friends.

What happens when our "pursuit of JOY" requires or includes a vision of our children - that does not reflect their own vision for joy?  Or, possibly more appropriately, doesn't reflect or jive with their vision of JOY, RIGHT NOW?

When our children are little, they embrace our vision for JOY in the short and long term.  When they are "dependent", they follow us.  They find comfort in us.  And, we are smart enough to be able to navigate their short term needs (i.e. Cherrios, Barney, a hug, a nap, a toy that squeaks...).  We can "manipulate" or "satisfy" their needs for joy and generally achieve harmony.

As they grow, the teenage years represent the beginning of a parallel pursuit of joy.  We paint a vision for them of behavior, college, life for them that we then bolt on to our own personal vision for joy.  Our vision of joy includes whatever vision we have created of them... becoming intertwined.

That is where the challenge begins... when our children push against - either in their actions or behaviors or words - against the vision we have for them, in whatever way... it puts our own "joy" at risk... 

And, vice a versa... 

 I believe "independence" from parents requires children to define for themselves their own "vision for joy".   Part of the challenge is that it can be overwhelming to define, to start, to figure out.  And, our brains as parents are in a different state of maturity.   The other part of the challenge, and possibly the more difficult one, is that we have a lot more data / experiences in our brains about the process.  Out of love and concern, we want to help them bypass the difficult parts, the errors, the challenges.

"Here is what you should do..."

When our children start to attempt to define their own vision, I believe it is paramount to give them some room - to respect their own process.  And, we still have a responsibility to keep them safe and to "help them" make smart decision.

Some children are more willing than others to heed our advice.  I think birth order and genetics play a big role.

We want our children to challenge the status quo, to think for themselves... except, at times when we want to give them the "right answers".

Teenage years are a difficult time - a tug-a-war for control.

My most important goal is to keep them safe and to help shape their thinking with the right values... to make sure they feel autonomy... they feel unconditional love... they feel worthy of their own life... 

The truth is as our children approach adulthood - it becomes really difficult to demand behavior, we must request behavior... And, this becomes harder and harder as they reach full independence, and as their decisions carry more and more consequence to their futures.

I believe deep in my core that we are all fully responsible for our own lives.  Unfortunately, "adulthood" and "maturity" doesn't magically appear at "18 years old".

The greater the level of respect we build with our kids - the larger the window that we can influence their behavior... 

It is a dance, at times a dangerous dance, at times a scary dance... but an exciting and amazing dance we do with our children, alternating who is leading...

... until they take the wheel fully - hopefully navigating themselves forward in a healthy and constructive and happy way...

I know this journey is different for fathers than it is for mothers... and certainly very different for children...

Over time - the children then want to help navigate the parents lives - and the equilibrium eventually shifts..

From parents in full control,

to parents in shared control, 

to parents in influencial and marginal control,

to parents in no real control...

to children sharing parents control...

to children in full control of their parents lives...

All the way along

each of us

pursuing joy...

All the way along striving for a respectful, understanding and caring love...

to keep our children

and then our parents

safe...

and I would argue... 

in harmony ;-)

Nestor

Brown Bananas

We will return to the "pursuit of joy" conversations, 

but for today...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

to all of you amazing women and friends...

Be careful what you say to your kids.

They may remember and write about it someday ;-)

I have been thinking about my mother a lot lately.  I don't think to myself, "would I rather she be alive and lost as she is, or would I rather she would have passed away already?"

Those thoughts don't serve me or her.

She IS here with us still... and I am grateful for that.

She is happy, generally healthy, and surrounded by a lot of love.

My mom had many favorite sayings...

Whenever it rained, she would tell me,

"Don't dislike rainy days, it's just a different kind of beautiful."

I think about her every day that I am driving in the rain... and appreciate the beauty.

One of her favorites was when I, or my sisters or cousins, would see or be served up a

brown banana,

Not just brown on the inside, 

but when you opened them up and they had those soft darker spots 

when peeled.

We'd scrunch up our nose and say we didn't want it...

"YUCK!"

She would always look at me and say,

"It's not bad, it's just old.  Aren't you going to love me when I am old?"

I remember, even as a kid, feeling bad that perhaps my disdain for the brown banana would be a message to her that I wouldn't love her as she aged, so I tried to never say it.  But every so often it would slip, and she'd remind me of her question.

There are apples and oranges, there are mothers and brown bananas ;-)

When I lived in China, we met some friends that loved brown bananas.  They would freeze them and then mush them up and make banana ice cream - no milk needed - just put the bananas through their little machine... it was delicious.

Now that smoothies are a "thing" - brown bananas are much better than the yellow ones, because they are softer, less fibrous, and more creamy.

Brown bananas are so very delicious and useful after all.

My mother would never throw away ANY food.  

As a kid, I remember thinking profoundly about old bananas.

"If I close my eyes and eat it, it tastes just like mushed banana which tastes good.  If you want to make fried bananas -brown bananas are even more delicious.

Why do I dislike brown bananas?  Heck, I don't think I dislike them at all!"

Makes me laugh. 

I am not sure if my mother was trying to send me on a philosophical journey, or if she just wanted me to eat the dang banana so she wouldn't have to throw it out, but I think about her all the time - and ALWAYS when I see an old brown banana.

I wish she could still hear me and understand me, because I'd like to repeat to her over and over again...

"Mama - I WILL always love you...

no matter how old,

how soft,

how many brown spots you have...

no matter if you can't say my name,

or if you can't speak,

no matter if someday you have no idea who I am...

no matter in which world you live

or whether your heart beats at all...

I will miss you every moment as you fade away...

and

I will love you more and more

with every sunny and rainy day...

and

I will always eat my

brown bananas..."

in harmony,

Nestor

FELICITY : DESIRE

Ok…

Sorry…

I’ve been distracted by life.

VIRTUOUS FELICITY:

The Pursuit of JOY!

Have you been thinking about it?

I have – and it’s funny – as I focus on it –

I find affirmations that the pursuit of JOY

IS

EVERYTHING.

So, as I am working and living,

I am reading.

And, I just started the book,

“The Power of Kabbalah”. 

It was recommended very strongly by a man I find very curious and well read.  So, I bought it.  I don’t know enough about it to speak to it intelligently, but the cover says,

“This book contains the secrets of the universe and the meaning of our lives.”

It seems worth reading ;-)

As I understand it – the concepts were developed 2500 years ago and is potentially the basis for many religions.  I will share more as I learn.

I have only started it, but the first part of the book is entitled,

“WHO ARE WE?”

And, the answer is simple,

DESIRE.

This ancient wisdom starts by concluding that EVERYTHING we do,

Is driven by desire…

And, I don’t know many who desire suffering.

Our motivation is a DESIRE for JOY… for HAPPINESS.

“A slave is never more than his master.”  Kabbalist Rav Ashlag

And, our “master” is the DESIRE for JOY.

What would happen if we all embraced the reality of that – more deliberately?

If we stopped making the purpose of our life so complex or hard to discover?

"The primary objective of our desire is uninterrupted happiness.  In fact, desiring continual happiness is the one unifying link of all humanity."  Yehuda Berg

If we simply embraced that our CORE reason for existing is to pursue JOY…

How would our lives change?

Clearly it’s oversimplified.

But, I would argue it’s also TRUE.

If we declared our mission in life – the pursuit of happiness,

Would more people line up to help?

Would we be less likely to embrace and get lost in “suffering”?

Would we be more DELIBERATE,

And possibly less ashamed to discuss more explicitly what gives us JOY?

I think many of us are embarrassed to discuss what gives us joy…

NO,

Not because it’s necessarily KINKY or anything…

But, because it feels selfish and self serving,

and we have been taught so clearly that it can’t be that much about us.

If we felt more free in exploring, defining, aspiring to JOY,

Would we get better at it?

I believe we would.

So many of us are educated with guilt…

GUILT for DESIRING more or better for ourselves.

OR, so very often, GUILT for desiring DIFFERENTLY from others...

in our dreams, in our behavior, in our aspirations...

Think about it...

in order to provide more for others, we have to in some way achieve more for ourselves first!

Here is the kicker that I find amusing…

I think if we were truly encouraged to embrace our pursuit of JOY, our essence of DESIRE…

We would become better at understanding it, achieving it & importantly SHARING it!

In fact, I am fairly certain that the vast majority of people would reach a conclusion that true JOY cannot be found without sharing!

Do YOU realize that you are motivated by DESIRE at your core?

Do you ACCEPT it?

... DESIRE for JOY...

And, if we don’t figure out what brings our JOY, then do we spend our lives randomly bouncing between impulse and fear?

If we fail to define our joy deliberately, we are at the mercy of our random desire...

Is that what gives drugs, social media, television, sugar, noise so much power over those without a clearer, greater purpose?  

If inately we desire joy, but we don't define it for ourselves, what captures our attention?

How clear and deliberate are you about what brings you joy?

How well and honestly do you share it with those you love and care about?

And, if you are not clear, how is that lack of clarity confusing or convoluting your pursuit of it?

We must accept that each one of us gets to define for ourselves what gives us JOY… so we must be careful and gracious with what we define as necessary from each other to achieve JOY. (This is why parental, spousal and partner relationships of all types are so precarious, sensitive and challenging.) 

When my definition of JOY requires something specific from YOU… then our pursuit of JOY becomes interdependent (so much to explore in this single thought).

Is it a higher level of enlightenment to define JOY as a uniquely personal thing?

Does knowing true joy require fantastic empathy – to accept that the joy of others may require us to be or show up differently?

Can we achieve joy by simply working to create joy for others?  Sure...

Can we achieve joy by devoting ourselves fully to a faith, a believe, a purpose?  Sure...

We must all find our balance for JOY, by experimenting with it... And, there is a continuum of achieving JOY from contribution versus JOY from collection... altruist versus selfish joy...

We are all motivated by different things…

That is what makes the world so very interesting…

And yet, we are all similarly driven by DESIRE at our core.

DESIRE unites us... THE OBJECT of our desire defines us as individuals.

In order to know true joy, must we accept the “IS” of our lives in the moment?

In order to know true joy, must we be moving our “IS” toward our want in the moment?

How could you ever achieve true joy without starting from a point of acceptance and gratitude?

Starting from any other place would bring you suffering.

DESIRE…

JOY…

Do you know clearly the life that you are pursuing?

In harmony,

Nestor

virtuous FELICITY

NOTE:  This is one of those A-HA's for me that has the potential to be a pillar of my values and transformational in how I think and feel and understand the world.  I hope it sparks many thoughts for you as well.  Instead of writing about it in a very long conversation - I will try to break it out into various conversations over the coming week.

Our founding fathers were so very inspired and wise...

In the Declaration of Independence they specifically declare the 

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

as a RIGHT of man.

I have read to better understand what they meant, and everyone seems to concur that they were not referring to simple and superficial "happiness" as an emotion...

They were specific - our right is not necessarily to happiness - but to the PURSUIT of happiness... to have the freedom to PURSUE it... and it was up to all of us to figure out how to achieve it for ourselves.

Most scholars speak of "happiness" in the Declaration of Independence defining it "not just as a simple subjective emotional state" but as,

"prosperity; well-being in the broader sense."

"Includes the right to meet  physical needs, but also includes a significant religious and moral dimension."

"includes a right to material things, but it goes beyond that to include humanity’s spiritual and moral condition"

"every necessary moral ingredient"...

"requires religion, morality and knowledge."

"VIRTUOUS FELICITY, as in the Greek eudaimonia"

The PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS...

the pursuit of JOY...

the pursuit of VIRTUOUS FELICITY...

is at the heart and at the base of all that we dream about and thus all that we feel and all that we do...

I have read and said those words on so many occasion, but I have never fully stopped to consider the wisdom in our founding fathers specifically and deliberately calling it out...

I am, however, focussed less on the pursuit of JOY as a RIGHT...

I am more focussed on the pursuit of JOY as an absolute TRUTH ...

in who we are

as human beings.

How does our desire for a life of JOY affect our lives? Every aspect of our lives?

How does it benefit from us achieving a clearer purpose or meaning?

How does it show up in our relationship with our spouse and children?

How does it show up in our relationship with ourselves?

How does it impact our feelings everyday at our place of work?

Think about it.

How does the fact you deeply and inately seek "joy" impact YOU? 

Do you agree you seek it? 

let's explore it together...

I think it could help us understand just about everything...

about harmony

and disharmony... 

in it joyfully ;-)

Nestor

perspective

I hadn't even taken one step into my run,

and part of me was dreading it.

It was a beautiful evening.

The sun was clear and low.

I was going to do my standard 7 or so miles in our neighborhood.

7 or so miles, I thought...

That is over 12,000 yards (12,343 and change).

The first steps... the first part of the run.... similar thoughts go through my mind...

Can I do this?  This is painful...

I had recently had dinner.  I don't like running after dinner.

I felt strong, but my belly felt full.

Ok... 12,000 or so strides.

Don't think of it like that!

I used to think about the TOTAL commitment...

if I want to stay healthy and keep working out...

Let's say I run 10 miles a week.  That's 17,600 strides per week.

Wow, that's 916,933 strides per year... almost a MILLION!

Well, if I get to keep running into my 80s... lets say 85... that would be 32,092,666 strides.

It's overwhelming... Can I do that? Do I even want to do that?

Then I think, well what if something happened to me in the coming years and I could not run anymore?

It would be sad not to feel this freedom... not to feel this strength.

I felt strong running around the lake.

I was proud and grateful for my strength, and my decision to run after dinner.

I need to run more often, I thought.  My body needs this.

I came around the mid-point... 

6,170 or so steps left to go...The sun was setting over the water as I came around the turn.

By this point, the heartburn was gone...

The music in my ears making my heart dance.

I entered our neighborhood... picked up my pace.

Sprinted the final 1/2 mile or so...

fewer than 1,000 strides left.

Mindful of every step...

I stopped running as I came onto our street.

My left knee hurt, but my body felt good.

I felt grateful in many ways... and this thought kept running through my mind.

NOT ONE STEP... Not even 1...

Were either of my sisters able to take,

in their combined 22 years on earth.

I walked the final hundred steps home...

Feeling tired and GRATEFUL..

ZERO STEPS...

perspective.

in harmony,

Nestor

handicapped parking

NOTE:  Please realize ahead of time that my post has NOTHING to do with "handicapped parking"...

Last week , I wrote a Facebook post...

"Handicapped Parking Spaces should really read: "Reserved for some handicap people, but primarily for immoral people who are lazy or drive expensive cars." The vast majority of people I see using these spaces "worked" the system for the special pass. Few things piss me off, but this one does... sorry venting!"

When I wrote it, I hesitated before hitting "POST".

It didn't FEEL right.

Why post something negative?  What will I gain from it?  What will anyone gain from it?

The concept angers me, and I realize its wasted energy.  I could sense the pangs of disharmony...

But I hit POST anyway.

People started responding to it.  Mainly supportive.  I felt good.

"This is a connected frustration," I thought.

I am RIGHT to be angered by it.

"I agree 100%."

"Fully agree."

"YES!"

I felt emboldened.

Then a friend wrote...

"My sister in law has stage 4 cancer and and a a port and with ??Surgeries she has a handicap pass. People use the 4 letter word and tell her she has no right to park there. If only they walked in her shoes"

I felt small.

I responded with empathy.  Judging people was not my goal. At least, not people with REAL physical problems.  The problem is that it's somewhat impossible to try to  judge one group of people and not another.  Once I start judging... I am in disharmony.

Then another friend chimed in...

".Too often a handicapped person has to endure bad treatment and hear how unfair the "system" is to well abled bodied people.... It is not easy to be in my shoes...believe me."

The pangs of hesitation expanded.

I am not afraid of putting up a meaningful debate.  On the contrary, I would love to be a catalyst for meaningful debate.  But, this one felt wrong.

Is this a meaningful enough issue to disagree on?

What is truly behind my anger? INJUSTICE?  LAZINESS?

So, I thought to myself...

- Do I delete this entire exchange and wipe the post from my facebook?  That feels cowardly and disrespectful to the argument and those that disagreed.

- Do I engage in a back and forth that is likely to lead nowhere?  And, what good can possibly come from additional debate?  There was no debate.  I am glad those spaces exist for handicap people.  It angers me that people take advantage of it.  But, I would never say anything out loud to people who actually park there because I never really know for sure if that "new corvette" is driven by someone with a real problem or someone simply with a placard.

So, I decided to back up gently and default to trust and gratitude.

"I have been reminded that many people who use these spaces have handicaps that are not obvious nor visible. I didn't intend to judge, nor offend those people.  They are dealing with enough. No pet peeve is worth offending anyone. I am going to focus on being grateful for not needing a handicap space... and let those who may be gaming the system judge themselves. Life is short... Pet peeves aren't worth risking respect and empathy..."

Again, the issue is much less about handicap parking spaces and much more about the arguments we choose to engage in, amplify or diffuse.

My argument served no one initially.

It simply AMPLIFIED disharmony.

I WISH people would not take advantage of the system.  And, I had the support of others who felt the same.  But, the only thing I was going to accomplish was to remind people of their anger, and potentially embolden them to "speak up" and possibly judge or offend someone who very possibly didn't deserve it.

I was ashamed of myself for posting my sentiment in the first place.

There were some converging and caring messages exchanged by all parties involved and we all moved on.

What pet peeves do you have?

What possible good are they serving?

Why even have pet peeves?

I need to stay more alert to the pangs of disharmony, and be quicker to modify my behavior when I feel it.

The world doesn't need more purposeless criticality.

I want to write and live from my soul not from my ego.

I try to walk on the right line of harmony, and more often than I care to admit, I stumble.

Catch yourself... and stay on your feet!

in harmony,

Nestor

BYLTWD

"I don't understand YOU Americans..."

My old Belgian boss would say (back in the '90s when I worked in China).

When someone would say,

"That's personal", or

"It's just business."

He'd chime in...

"How do you separate 'personal' from 'business"?

Isn't it one and the same?"

Yesterday was "Bring Your Child To Work Day", and as you know by now, there are always two voices in my head.

VOICE 1:  "This is special.  The care and thought that my colleagues put into this day is inspiring and lovely.  The kids bring a ton of energy and have a great time.  What a great concept."

VOICE 2:  "There is so much going on.  Can we afford a day with a bunch of cute little kids running all around the office?  Will it distract us and reduce our productivity?"

I know... I know.  

I am part grinch.  

The older I get, the louder and clearer VOICE 1 is in my head.

Truth is, I used to feel uncomfortable when my kids came into the office (just to visit).  I felt like I was imposing on the people around me.  I felt like I was distracting them.  I loved it when they came to visit, and felt awkward at the same time.  (VOICE 1 and VOICE 2).

NONSENSE!  SUCH NONSENSE!

It's true... the kids in the office are distracting.  And, they are KIDS!  And, they are our LIFE.  They are such an important part of the LIVES of my colleagues and friends that I so very much appreciate and admire.

And, the truth is that wherever we are, we are ALWAYS 'distracted' on some level...

by life!

Or maybe not 'distracted', but more accurately 'BALANCING & JUGGLING".

EVERYDAY is Bring Your Child to Work Day...

because everyday is

BRING YOUR LIFE TO WORK DAY!  

Just because your child is not physically at work on a given day, doesn't mean that you are not thinking about them, worrying about them... and for many (especially moms in my experience), running home because they are sick, because they got hurt at school, because for some reason they need us.

I appreciate "Bring Your Child To Work Day" more and more because it allows us as a company, and me as an individual, to live my values and to gain a greater appreciation for how beautiful these young kids are and how much energy they demand from their parents...  

It's a day that forces me to make a deliberate choice between voice 1 and voice 2, and voice 1 always wins!

It reminds me of the different load that we carry as parents during the different times of our parenting.

It forces me to slow down and realize that as important as drafting our growth strategy is... the growth of our kids remains the most important strategy we work on.

It requires me to think simpler... to explain to the kids what we do everyday and why it matters.

It challenges me to present to a very difficult audience... and shows me how very important it is to be relevant to my audience, and that the ONLY thing that truly keeps people's attention is if we can figure out how to make the topic interesting and personal to them.

I appreciate BYCTWD for so many reasons... 

but most of all because it forces me to clarity between Voice 1 and Voice 2 - and 1 wins!

gives me an opportunity to engage and appreciate the "wonder" and "playfulness" in children now younger than my own.

reminds me of the important stuff that is in all of our minds and hearts everyday, even if we are not wearing it on our sleeve...

and reminds me of how critically important it is to always be human.

A few weeks ago I wrote that in the mornings, "I didn't want to go to WORK... I wanted to GO TO LIFE!"  And, I meant that.

Part of what I think makes me a somewhat effective leader is that I truly do believe and respect that EVERYDAY is 

BRING YOUR LIFE TO WORK DAY!

Not necessarily because we want to celebrate it - but because we have no other option.  We love what we love.  We are responsible for what we are responsible for.  Our life is who we are.

And as a leader and as a human being - I want to EMBRACE & RESPECT that always...

I will miss the kids today.  

I will miss the rubber spider on my shoulder.  

I will miss the tugs on my arm.  

I will miss the beautiful little lady who hugged my leg.  

I will miss the smiles and the noise and the laughter...

I will be grateful for my colleagues...

more conscious of their beautiful families and more aware of getting older.

I will look at the hand prints on the glass door,

and smile at the thought of the lemonade sale.

BRING YOUR LIFE TO WORK TODAY, 

and everyday...

Bring your kids in more often...

It's business.

It's personal.

in harmony,

Nestor

P.S. And, THANK YOU to my amazing & beautiful colleagues who make sure that this day not only happens, but happens in a way that the children who participate will remember for a lifetime! You make me so proud to be part of your team.  How very awesome that these kids will think back upon these days with our company and with their parents with joy...  as it should be!  My only regret is that not everyone in the company gets to share in the day as so many of our colleagues work from home... We will keep working to figure out how to share this day with more of you!

I know...

Sometimes

when I tell my wife I love her

her soft response

is

"I know..." 

I notice within myself

how very good that response feels.

it gives me a joy

that is somehow greater than 

"I love you too!" 

Maybe it's because I'm older,

maybe not, who knows...

But, when I think about it

LOVE is about connection.

Connection is a two-way link.

"I love you too" is a lovely thought.

But, it says "you are sending me energy, and I am sending you energy back in return."

That can be a lot of energy but not necessary a lot of connection. 

With the response "I know " 

the connection is being completed. 

Energy is being sent.

Energy is being acknowledged.

Energy is being received. 

To love is a beautiful thing,

but to know that your love is felt

is what truly fuels the soul

(and the relationship).

For love to beget love;

send, received, send, receive, 

is a much more powerful formula

than send, send, send, send,...

I am convinced that the greatest opportunity in marriages,

and likely in all relationships,

is to know 

with certainty

that your energy is felt... 

that the connection is made...

and appreciated. 

And, it is so critically important

to let each other KNOW

that is the case...

by actually saying it!

This truth is powerful

far beyond

what you may think. 

I truly believe that knowing

that our love is felt and received

may be an even greater joy

than feeling loved ourselves.

The greatest gift you can GIVE

to those who love you, 

is to let them know you feel it!

We lose our fire

when no one feels our heat. 

Nobody wants to waste their energy. 

Our real desire,

I believe,

is not "to love"

but to be connected,

to be acknowledged,

to be seen...

to know

that our love is felt. ..

because

only then,

through that connection,

can we be 

momentarily

certain

of our worth. 

connection... 

"I know"

you can feel it... 

in harmony, 

Nestor

light

I was talking to a friend yesterday and he said... 

For me, there was one concept that a therapist once told me, that stays with me always... 

You know me. 

I am all ears... 

"What happens when  

light

battles

darkness?" 

The question came a bit out of nowhere... 

I thought... 

Darkness is the absence of light... 

but there are black holes which swallow all light... 

I am battling to pull all my astrology and physics memories in one place... 

"Darkness wins" I said.  Overly influenced by the black hole and feeling like my time was running out..." 

Fortunately, he didn't hear me or perhaps ackowlege me as it was clear I had no clue. 

"What happens when you go into a dark room, and turn on the light?" 

"The light comes on... 

there is NO fight... 

light

wins..." 

I decided not to challenge it, but to follow his train of thought. 

He is right ... I thought...

If the light is big enough for that space... 

"There is no fight... 

When you find light it stops the darkness... 

when you find love it ends the hate... 

Life is a journey to find the light...

to embrace light.. 

to end the struggle.... 

If you are still struggling,  

you haven't really found the light." 

The metaphor or philosophy can go on and on... 

but I loved it. 

I do think as human beings we are meant, designed and in need of struggle to find our light... 

but I loved the power of light, of truth, of wisdom, of goodness, of love... 

I loved the idea of GIVE INTO it...accept the awesomeness of it... embrace the light in your life and let it take over all of the darkness.... 

I love the idea that the struggle can end... will end... as soon as I accept it, embrace it... the power of it. 

Enlightenment... that word means more to me now... 

"Light"... love... faith... hope

takes over

darkness... ego...  fear...

It's no contest... 

I get that, 

feeling my way

up and down

the walls...

Inspired by possibility, 

opportunity, gratitude... 

and the certainty of LIGHT... 

committed as ever

to finding the

switch

;-) 

in harmony, 

Nestor

one thought

All that I know about how to live,

all that I have come to understand about mindfulness,

can be captured in the one thought that I heard from a friend nearly 30 years ago...

"With EVERYTHING you say and do, 

you either GIVE life,

or you TAKE life away!"

If I could just live this one thought consistently and deliberately, all will fall in line.

Giving life is an absolute. When you give life to others, you give life to yourself.  Mindfulness is a zero sum game... you add energy to the world or you take it away...

Live NET positive...

Gratitude and faith are the boundless source of our GIVING...  We just have to learn how to tap into it, and stay tapped into it...

in harmony,

Nestor

... smile

I used to see you smile...

with innocence and grace.

I used to know your smile...

it brightened up your face.

It came from deep inside,

with beauty and with grace...

And...

now I feel your struggle -

anger fills its place.

But not sure if its anger,

or frustration with this place.

I feel the cloud inside your mind

that thunders up the craze...

It's not clear what you want,

and it shows upon your face.

But,

I know you...

I see your soul within my gaze.

I feel your warmth, its gentle trace.

I know your smile still lies inside...

and will again shine upon your face.

The storm will pass,

as time goes by, 

And here I'll be...

I won't have moved. 

My arms wide open,

waiting to meet you

In your embrace....

Your smile...

shining again

brightly upon your face...

in harmony, 

papa

ps... I know you... I see you... and I love you through and through... 

Leaders' Stamina

"I gave him the outline, and he didn't do anything with it."

"We have had this conversation with her a million times!"

"I don't have time for this today!"

"Why can't they/he/she just..."

"I might as well do it myself!"

Much of my day is spent hearing frustrated people...

"Wouldn't YOU be pissed off?"  They ask me...

My short answer is "No... how would getting pissed off benefit me?"

But, I get it.  

Communication.

Progress.

Alignment.

is HARD STUFF!  

And, when we have timelines and deadlines and competing priorities,

and people don't produce or progress at the pace which we NEED them to do so

or better said, EXPECT them to...

And, that is frustrating, and at times, angering.

But, you aspired to be a leader...  yes?  Isn't that is the role you wanted!

You can, over time, make the role easier and less "frustrating", but you need stamina.  You need persistence.  You need to work with all of those individuals that are somehow not meeting your needs or expectations... and meet them where they are... and help them, and YOURSELF, grow & develop!

You need to state your expectations multiple times in different words, in different ways, until they get it.  And, that is often no where near enough.  Have you been dealing with the same issues with the same people for years?  

Why do you think that is?

You need to learn the strengths and weaknesses of your team to know who is truly capable of what, and along the way, you need to accept that not everyone will be able to meet your expectations across all of your categories, because either you don't know how to lead well enough, or because they don't have the capability.

And, it's so much easier to jump to blame and get angry at someone else's imcompetence, than at our own limitations as a leader...

You need to grow.  You need to find the right roles for the right people.  You need to modify roles.  And, ultimately you do need to remove the people that simply can't deliver at the right level in any of the ways required.

To be a leader is to be a conductor of the orchestra.  You cannot play all of the instruments yourself.  You should not.  You must take the time to put people in the right seats.  You must bring new people in and take the wrong ones out.  You must coordinate, explain, and keep setting the pace.

It requires stamina, not to quit... not to jump in and do it yourself... not to give in to frustration or anger.

The kind of stamina to have similar conversations over and over, and be willing to embrace the challenges when they appear.  You will navigate through storms in the market, storms in the organization, storms in individuals, and occasionally within yourself.

And, you will have to not say things you are thinking of feeling, because the time is not right.  

You will have to have patience with your own expectations, as you help others lead from their own expectations.

If you are going to be an effective leader - you will accept that you have three important roles:

1. To always be the one that sees the Vision, and never loses confidence in the organizations ability to deliver it.

2. To develop other leaders. To help them have patience when they need it.  To remind them that anger and frustration are natural and to be expected, but to move past them quickly, as they only distract from the job at hand and impair our ability to think and execute effectively (and they make work much less satisfying).

3. To be the one that doesn't succumb to anger or frustration - but keeps reason and possibility alive above all else.

Leadership requires stamina, perhaps like no other role in your life, other than marriage.

When you are angry or frustrated, breathe and consider...

Is this serving me in any positive way?  Is it serving those I serve?

Wasn't this the role I chose... I aspired to... I dreamt about having?

To be effective and impactful leaders - we need to figure out how to build our own leadership stamina, how to stay inspired and strong...  

How to have relentless faith and commitment to our vision...

How to avoid the temptation to react in anger... to reach for blame... to WISH that people were anything other than what they are...

My experience is that the vast majority of people are giving us their very best... and in moments where I want to get angry, I remind myself of that... No one is intentionally failing me or the company... 

If they are failing, it is because I have failed to make the expectations clear.  I have failed to ensure that they understood the task at hand.  I have failed to give them the training that they needed.  I have failed to help them understand the right priorities.  I have not made it clear to them why this other approach is more effective.

When people anger me or frustrate me... I try to always breathe and take responsibility for where we are...

Because I AM the leader...

I have the greatest ability to affect the clarity of our Vision... the use of our resources... the setting of our priorities...

...nobody ever fails me...

When we fail... I deeply believe it is because, if anything, I have in some way, with the best of intentions failed...

I have failed at assessing their abilities, their workload, or the clarity of my request.

The question it begs is - did I invest enough of myself to get the results I expected?

I think that is the biggest leadership failure today - the one that causes the most frustration and anger.  It comes from us

EXPECTING RESULTS GREATER THAN OUR INVESTMENT IS CAPABLE OF DELIVERING.  And, by investment, I mean the amount of time and resources we dedicate to a task is inadequate to achieve the desired results we expect, based on the competing priorities.  

We so often expect that because we say something once, results will appear.  But, how many things do we hear once and deliver in a complete and timely way on?

We must have stamina that keeps us from creating a double standard, just because no one can call us on it.

I remind myself that I am doing MY best, as they are doing THEIR best...

I remind myself to smile...

to breathe...

am grateful for their attempt, try to capture the lesson for me and for them.

How did I underinvest?  How do I need to invest differently?  How do I need to lead differently?

Life simply will never be the way I WISH it was...

Life will always be the way that it IS....

And, in every moment I will do my part to move it toward the IS I want...

Toward our VISION...

because I know with certainty that we can achieve it...

It's my job to believe it...  sincerely.

So, I show up in the next conversation,

and try again...

in harmony,

Nestor

SPREADING Harmony

A friend of mine sent me the email below...

Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!... WELCOME to 2017

� Our Phones - Wireless

� Cooking - Fireless

� Cars - Keyless

� Food - Fatless

� Tires -Tubeless

� Dress - Sleeveless

� Youth -  Jobless

� Leaders - Shameless

� Relationships - Meaningless

� Attitudes - Careless

� Babies - Fatherless

� Feelings -  Heartless

� Education - Valueless

� Children – Mannerless

We are-SPEECHLESS,

Government-is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!

And, this stuff makes my blood boil.  Not much makes me angry, but when I get an email like this from someone I know and care about, it literally makes me want to SCREAM.

So instead of SCREAMING - I am embracing the IS, which is that many intelligent people smile and forward these types of emails, and my WANT which is to create greater awareness of the DAMAGE and DISHARMONY that these types of emails create... and hoping that you will choose to be a louder voice for HARMONY.

The email starts with some really cool aspects of the advance in technology... phones, cooking, food, tires...

And then shifts...

Youth... JOBLESS...   A gross generalization and untrue.  The economy is strong, the population is aging and the country desperately needs more intelligent young people in the workforce.  Yes, the unemployment is higher with the younger demographics but there are a TON of great opportunities for those who want to work hard.

Leaders... SHAMELESS... True a few are... and so very many are more aware and more committed to the real concept of leadership - and working so very hard to embrace it and apply it in their organizations.

Relationships... MEANINGLESS... Grossly untrue.  I think the difficulty in marriage these days is because we all have a greater expectation for meaning than generations gone by...  we demand more of each other - while treating each others on a more level playing field... The youth of today wants meaning in their companies and in more of what they do...

Attitudes... CARELESS... NOT TRUE... Just dealing with new conflicts.  Are we more careless than 150 years ago during slave times, 100 years ago before women could vote, 50 years ago?  We actually care TOO MUCH and the political correctness and caring of the time is potentially beyond reasonable.

Feellings... HEARTLESS!  BS!

Education... VALUELESS  Oh really, than why does the entire world want to come to the US for college?  Yes, the education system needs reform, but valueless is offensively ungrateful.

Children... MANNERLESS!  Manners change with generations - we are all figuring it out.

We are SPEECHLESS.... actually there are more people talking about issues today than I have ever witnessed in my life.

Government is CLUELESS... the government continues to run the US, which is an extremely complex organization and entity with great results.

And Politicians are WORTHLESS... so many of them are trying to fight the right fight, and I would argue politicians are more valued today than ever as we need them to appropriately deal with our President who represents a real liability in many ways.

My question is less about any of the specific statements - but about the bigger picture.  WHY WOULD ANYONE SHARE THIS as is?  Why would anyone put out for all of the people they know and care about a MOMENT of DISHARMONY?  SO that some of them will forward it again and share the inaccurate pain with others?

There is only ONE reason... because they DON'T UNDERSTAND the DIFFERENCE between harmony and disharmony, and the danger in being a catalyst, a promoter, and an amplifier of disharmony.

This country needs no more help spreading disharmony.

It needs all the help doing exactly the opposite.

No one voice will change the trajectory alone... but EVERY voice amplifies or decreases the volume of harmony or disharmony in each conversation.

Be a catalyst for harmony...

Help those we know understand the difference...

Gross generalizations speaking to the worst of our IS... WISHING they didn't exist... and promoting a sense of HOPELESSNESS... are like deliberately spreading cancer to the world around us.  It is proliferating harmful lies...

Why would any intelligent human being do that?... IGNORANCE

"Who cares, it's just one email... Some of the stuff is kind of true..."

NONSENSE... It's fault, and EVERY email matters... because EVERY moment matters!

Maybe this email is a little obvious.  Maybe you are thinking, "I'd never forward that."  I believe you...

But, think harder...

What jokes, stories, emails, values, beliefs do you have that you proliferate that spread disharmony?  We all do it.  Most of the time its out of our own ignorance of not realizing that some of our behaviors or "messages" are full of "wishing"... to our colleagues, our friends, our kids, our spouses... Think hard... I bet you can find one.

DON'T ALLOW IT to happen without your deliberate voice of dissent.  

Without your WANT pushing it in the opposite direction.

And, if at all possible drop those behaviors, change those messages, STOP those emails.

Because of people like you...

the world will NEVER BE HARMONY-LESS...

That's why I love you....

That's why the world needs you...

present and engaged...

for harmony,

in every moment!

Nestor

Harmony is...

Harmony is... 

a sunny day, 

a hard work out, 

a morning hug, 

a tired teenager, 

a little too much breakfast, 

a warm home, 

a tender kiss, 

a drive to work, 

an unfinished to do list, 

a driven and friendly colleague, 

an unfinished task, 

a bigger idea, 

a thoughtful exchange, 

a positive text, 

a lingering smile, 

a dream, 

a life, 

a breath... 

Nestor