A forever kind of thing...

Happy Monday... 

Today, I am cheating.

I am going to share with you a letter I wrote to a good friend, on the arrival of his daughter.  When I re-read the note, I realized I had written a little too much about myself and not enough about him.  But, in the process, had captured some thoughts on being a father that I thought might be worth sharing... 

I thought those of you out there with children, might be able to relate.

My dear friend:

I am so very happy for you and your wife... so very happy.  I have seen you evolve and grow in the last few years that I have known you.  And, I am so very excited for this new stage in your life.

While I don’t “compare” myself to you, because I respect that you are on your own unique journey, I do smile occasionally at the similarities in our lives.  And, I hope and suspect that the birth of your daughter (and I love the name you gave her) will have the same amazing affect on your life, that the birth of my sons had on mine.

For all of my life, until recently, I was chasing everything... and while having an outwardly confident personality, I struggled to find my footing.  I struggled to find my sense of place.  My boys grounded me in a way that no other relationship in my life ever did.  Becoming a father, made me slowly a better man.  It made me reflect differently on who I was and who I wanted to be for my sons.  It gave me a much more meaningful reason to live with greater morals, with greater authenticity, with greater ambition.  Learning all of a sudden didn’t just make me better, it had the potential to make them better too. 

My boys ironically taught me more than I may ever teach them.  They gave me roots.  They made it such that I didn’t care where I belonged, because I understood viscerally that I belonged with them.  They made things that mattered, not matter... And, their presence in my life made very clear what did...

Enjoy these first days of fatherhood.  The love you feel will grow daily - and your heart will expand in a way you didn’t realize was possible. 

It’s not about being a father... and ultimately, it’s not about your daughter.... it’s about love and the universe.  I get that this may make no sense to you right now, but I suspect in time it will.  Your daughter will teach you more about love and about yourself than you ever expected... And, she will help you love more and better...

Congratulations my friend.  I know how much you have anticipated and wanted for this moment to arrive.  You are wise beyond your years and you have so much to give.  You see people... and you see children.  I look forward to seeing fatherhood transform you ever so subtly or perhaps ever so overtly...

ENJOY the ride... all of it... Fatherhood will test you like nothing in your life ever has, and will give you more back than you ever expected...  It’s a forever kind of thing...

Cheers and congratulations... Love you bud!
 

Fatherhood... Parenthood... It changes so very quickly.  It marks the passage of time like possibly no other role we play.  I have found great joy in it always... I love seeing my boys become men... I love reaching for a higher bar.  

I hope fatherhood brings him the same joy.

in harmony,

Nestor

Einstein

“A man should look for

what  

IS, 

and not

what he thinks

SHOULD

be.” 

Albert Einstein

in Harmony ;-)

Nestor

NOTE:  I figured I owed you guys a few short ones ;-)  I've been a bit verbose lately... Harmony can be summarized and shared in a few words... in a glance... in a handshake... a hug... ;-)

The Tao of Skiing

The Tao of Skiing…

I knew was this was the title of this conversation, but checked in with Google to figure out what “The Tao of…” actually meant.

It means “the way of…”, “the underlying natural order of the universe whose ultimate essence is ultimately difficult to circumscribe…”.

So, there you go…

The Tao of Skiing… my wife will appreciate this one 😉

I am “that” guy.  You know…

“That” guy that wants to maximize the day.  The moment we arrived on the mountain to ski with the family, or to the amusement park to spend the day with the kids… I WANT TO GET STARTED.  I WANT TO MAXIMIZE THE DAY… I can’t help it, it’s in my genes.

I am also “That” guy at all-you-can-eat buffets which is a dangerous thing and why I stay away from them.

When we get to the mountain or to amusement park, getting started becomes a gravity so strong, I can’t see straight.  If the kids need to go to the bathroom, making sure we have all the gear, making sure I close the door on the rental car, looking both ways before I cross the street…

NOTHING MATTERS!!!

LET’S GET ON THE FIRST SLOPE!

I don’t know exactly where that comes from, though I am afraid it is in my DNA both by nature and by nurture.  I remember my father used to always ask for his cokes to come without ice, that way he got more coke ;-)  This was a behavior started before the days of free refills.  My mom used to ask for a second meal on plane rides, because they were free, and she knew they always had extras... 

In the past years when I have been skiing with friends, it’s been great. We are up and on the first lift.  We tend to stay ON the mountain to make sure we don’t miss a moment in traffic.  We ski from the first lift at 8:30 am until the last lift at 4:00 pm.  Even if we are sore, exhausted and nasceous from skiing so much… IT’S NOT OVER TILL IT’S OVER.  It’s like there is some computer chip in my mind computing number of runs divided by dollars spent and pushing my behavior to maximize the VALUE that I get from that day.

That’s actually it… It’s about VALUE.

Somewhere in my brain… I have associated QUANTITY with VALUE… and so, in those days most apparently… trying to maximize QUANTITY of RIDES or RUNS… takes over my being.

QUANTITY, QUANTITY, QUANTITY… feels so wrong when I see it in writing, but its where it comes from…

Perhaps it’s because I incorrectly correlate QUANTITY with QUALITY…

Or because, and there is truth to this… THE MORE RUNS you take on a mountain, the more likely you are going to have a great, memorable one… .The more rides you take at an amusement park, the more likely you are going to have one that rocks your world…

Then there is the “EXPERIENCE IT ALL” side of me… I want to try EVERY ride.  I want to try EVERY slope.  I want to do all the hard ones.  I want to say I did it.  I want to KNOW I did it.  I want to experience them all, because they are there to be experienced!

But who wrote that rule book?  Who said I had to experience them all?

Especially, if by trying to experience them all, I make it less of an enjoyable experience for others?

Hmm…. Roll that one back Kemosabe…

It's not just about me.  I need to remind myself of that often.  I justify that reaching for more is the right example to set... but more and more, I am pretty sure I am wrong.

It’s a philosophy and an ambition in life… I want to experience it all… and it creates a pace that I don’t always enjoy…

MORE is NOT BETTER…

BUT, MORE IS MORE, and with MORE there is a greater possibility of better.

It’s the engineer in me.  I believe in probability.

But, at what cost?

What is my objective?

Hmmm…. What is my objective?  Is experiencing it all really my objective?  NO, not really.  Experiencing the best that I can is important, and not as important as connecting with those I love and care about.

Why am I going skiing?

Why did we take the kids to the amusement park?

So, here is where the Tao of Skiing actually starts…

I brought my son skiing last week for his birthday.  We are out here in Utah, and my oldest son actually came out from California.  So, I had an unforgettable opportunity to enjoy them both and treat them to a few days of skiing…

(you know where this is going 😉)

“So boys, what time are we getting up tomorrow?  Mountain opens at 8:30, we could leave by 7:00 to make sure we are on that first lift?”

I had actually gone out the day before to rent my son’s skis to make sure we would not lose a precious moment the following morning.

“We’re kind of tired dad.  Can we sleep in a bit tomorrow?”

My face maintained a smile (at least I think so), but inside my mind is yelling,

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“What time did you want to get up?”  I ask, in my most adult like, non-anxious, non-judgemental voice…

“We don’t know.  Can we just decide what time to leave after we’re up?”

Again…

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” is the rallying cry in my own mind.

I smile and say, “Let’s see how it goes”.

So, every day for the past 4 ski days, we started at various times.  We got to the ski resort on the first day at 10:30.  My hands were shaking.  I smiled 😉  The lift ticket line was like 45 minutes long.  One woman sat there and talked to the ticket attendant for 30 minutes!  I wanted to yell, “It’s a ticket line not a dating game”, but I kept that inside.

We got on the mountain sometime between 11 and 11:30.  I was a little lightheaded 😉

We had a wonderful day on the slopes, skied without taking a break.  And, before the final chair closed at 4:00 pm, “we” had enough.  It was a great day.

The second day, we started at close to noon.  I decided to go to get a workout in the morning, and got some work done while the boys slept.

I did get them up at certain points to say, “if we don’t get up now, we won’t ski today” and they got up, all be it slowly.

To add insult to injury, my nephew and niece where also joining us for a few days.  My nephew just stated skiing 2 days ago, so needless to say, he was on a different skill level.  When we got on the mountain, I admit, I put him on a black on his second run.

I know…

I AM SORRY!

I am who I am…

He didn’t enjoy it.  I did, to my credit, stay with him and help him up every time he fell.

WHAT?

He only fell like 15 times…

He’s 19, he can handle it 😉

Not one of my finer moments…

I wasn’t as patient with him as I was with my own boys, too many competing priorities in my own mind… now I am finally out on the  mountain to ski with my boys, and I am teaching my nephew to ski…

Oh…

That’s right…

That was another one of the reasons why we are here…

We head home today.  It is a beautiful morning, and it has been a fantastic trip.

I have skied a lot fewer runs than I would have normally skied on a trip of this nature… back when I had supreme power over my offspring.

I am older too.

Skiing 8 hours per day, isn’t necessarily what I want to or need to do… but there is some coding in my main processor that still expects it, demands it, desires it…

The reason we came out was to spend time together…  To enjoy some exciting skiing together… To expose our family (cousin, niece and nephew) to this very different world of skiing.

It’s just not about me… not about only me.

Today, our last day, we didn’t ski half a day (even though I booked our flights to get that last bit of skiing in…).

My son wanted to rest instead, and then go grab a nice unhurried lunch together.

Sounds nice.

I need to reprogram my brain.

I thought about going out and skiing by myself, and it felt so pointless.

I am not here to ski…

I am here to share time with my son.  Skiing on my own seemed so pointless.

I am enjoying this more relaxed pace of skiing… living?

There is so much going on in life that getting just a little time here and there to relax is precious.

I tend to push through those few possible moments of rest every day to try to squeeze in MORE life.

I realize MORE life is not what its about.

If I pause and try to think about WHY I live… WHY I choose to do what I do… it gets easier to slow down.

But, it’s 50 years of bad habits that I am trying to break.

And, there is nothing wrong with stuffing your life with activities and maximizing every moment…

It’s one way to do it…

But, it’s really not aligned with the life I want to life.

Deep sigh…

I WANT TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT… to the fullest…

I think…

But, perhaps more than that, I want to live every moment JOYFULLY…

And, to live it JOYFULLY with those I share it with, I need to mind their pace, their interests, their own ambitious and styles into my own moments…

I don’t want to be at odds with my own desires…

I don’t want to be at odds with anyone…

Life is complex and there are so many competing priorities… I should be smarter about creating my own artificial competitions with my own time.

Life can be simpler…

And, it is, if I pause, and ask myself…

What really matters?

Why am I here?

For my sons… on this trip… and to enjoy myself…

And, I did both sincerely and thoroughly…

Few moments are perfect, if we define perfection with too many constraints…

No moments are perfect, if we impose our own constraints on others who don’t share them.

This trip had so many wonderful, “perfect” moments…

 I learned a lot…

I don’t want my life to be the pursuit of quantity in any way…

I don’t want my life to be the pursuit of anything…

I want my life to be the deliberate experience of shared joy…

The acceptance of different people and personalities and approaches…

I want my life to be exactly what it is…

And, work as hard on allowing it to be what is, as I used to work on trying to make it more.

Allowing it to be exactly what it is… will actually unleash it to be the most it can be.

I see that now…

Trying to make it more than it is, is “wishing”… it’s disharmony.

Embracing what it is and seeing the wonderful joy in it… is my want… it’s harmony.

I know it’s easier said than done…

I will try harder not to be on the first lift every day.

I will try harder not to maximize the number of runs I get on the slopes every day.

I will linger in conversations with my boys where they present themselves.

I will occasionally stop

as I am skiing down the side of life,

and look up…

And, take in the sky and the sun and the snow and the trees… and the beauty...

I will see my son up on the mountain behind me.

And, I will breathe deeply… and smile…

I will pause in gratitude for the gift of this moment...

After all,

We don’t need to figure out if we are doing another run…

Until

AFTER

we get down this hill…

In harmony,

Nestor

Contrast vs Synergize

There is so much content in the world right now... so very much.

The question is not how much you consume, but rather how much do you digest... how much do you consider... and what do you do with those delicious nuggets of wisdom and value?

One thing is to share them... and I think that is part of the beauty (and liability) of social media, that you can share good content (or bad content) and amplify it for the world one share at a time.

So, SHARE freely those things that move you and that you think in some infinitesimal way, move the world and mankind forward by one more person sharing it...

This conversation is about "CONTRAST & SYNERGY"... It is a thought I heard from my new friend, Dr. Shefali, who I am signed up to hear for the entire year (online video course - first time I have signed up  for something like that)..

SIDE NOTE:  There are about 500 people signed up for Dr. Shefali's on-line course for the year, and I swear that I haven't seen a single other male signed up.  And, I have seen probably close to 300 student names.  I am not sure if I am a lot less masculine than I once thought (I hope not) or if perhaps I am more enlightened or open minded (I hope so)... but I think possibly being the single male in nearly 500 students is a ratio that I cannot ignore.  Something is clearly wrong with me, or with the rest of my male-gendered bretheren ;-)

Anyway... she says lots of things that are interesting and thought provoking, and some that are too far out there for me to relate to...

but, the other day she made a comment in passing.  It was something along the lines of..., "Everyone in the world has a personality and as such you make a decision as to whether you / your personality contrast or synergize with that person."  She moved along and said little more than that... but it got my mind rolling...

THAT'S HUGE, and I have heard it before in different words...

It loosely ties into the statement I heard nearly 30 years ago from a friend that started changing my trajectory in life, "With everything that you say and do, you will either give life or take life."  I quickly translated this thought to - "There are two types of people in the world, those who give life and those who take it away."  And, I thought to myself, I want to be mindful and surround myself with the former not the latter.

YOUTH ;-)

We all now know that no one can really "GIVE" you life or "TAKE" life away right?  We do that OURSELVES based on how we interpret people we meet, the things they say, or the things they do...

And, I apologize, I am belaboring my point in too much prose...

We decide, usually subconsciously, when we meet someone, is this someone I CONTRAST with or someone I SYNERGIZE with...  I think most of us, if not all of us, do this.

The magical question is, "WHAT HAPPENS FROM THERE?"

Almost without exception, I see the world then making a decision...  Do I turn on my knowing self, or my learning self? 

By that I mean, do I open my mind to what they are saying because I believe I can learn from them (most often because I synergyze)...

OR

Do I turn off my mind, and start to think about all the ways that what they are saying doesn't make sense, show them why I am right and they are wrong... or simply judge them and discount them (Because after all who they are in some way contracts with who I am).

SO, SO, SO often... I see this in my peeps... at work, in my personal life...  and, heck, I do this too on some level... but, I try, try, try to do it very little...

As part of "embracing the IS".... I try so very hard to SEE people, to UNDERSTAND their perspective, to TAP into their INTELLIGENCE... I fully and sincerely get that just because we may contrast, doesn't mean I can't learn from you, doesn't mean you can't help me understand the IS of my life or of this situation, and doesn't mean you don't have your own nuggets of wisdom that you carry with you in your bag of thoughts...

And, so VERY often I hear beautiful, insightful, intelligent, meaningful things... from people that I contrast with...

I also realize that we are so complex as human beings... that making a single "CONTRAST vs SYNERGIZE" judgement about people is silly and oversimplified.  It comes from our "FIGHT or FLIGHT" brain... I know it.  But, it's the wrong conclusion - IN EITHER JUDGEMENT.  People you synergize with may simply NOT have the best perspective on aspects of life that you are hoping to learn, and people you CONTRAST with may have phenomenal insights for you to consider in things you want to and need to understand.

You can look at our political world and how ugly it is, and find a tremendous example of this point.  Or you can look at people that are deemed as

"artistic" or "mathematical",

"pro life" or "pro choice",

"Honest" or "Dishonest",

"Patriots Fans" or "Not Patriot Fans" ;-)

"grounded" or "ungrounded",

"Sales People" or "Ops People",

"Pro-Business" or "Not Pro-Business",

"Religious" or "Non-Religious",

"Educated" or "Uneducated",

"White" or "Off White" ;-)

You get the idea... but trust me, we all have the things we judge SYNERGY vs CONTRAST on, and by and large we TURN OFF our minds when we come across contrast.

There are people you CAN'T AFFORD to define yourself with as CONTRASTING... 

Other fellow leaders for one.  If you are leading an organization, you must find COMMON GROUND to lead... in order to create a shared fate.  If you define yourself as CONTRASTING, which I see all the time, in my company and others, you create a divide that becomes uncrossable at a human level, and despite how much we may hold hands, people know we are not marching in the same direction.

If you are a parent, contrasting is so dangerous.  Now, don't get me wrong... I am NEVER saying, say things you DON'T MEAN... that is a HARMONO-NO ;-)  (just made that up - made me laugh)... It is important to teach our children (and our employees) that we don't HAVE to agree on everything to be IN SYNCH.. and thus SYNERGISTIC.  We just have to be OPEN MINDED, CONSIDERATE, and RESPECTFUL of our disagreements - and WILLING to consider the possibility of being wrong - OR more likely - the possibility of a TRUTH... an IS... that allows both of our believes to exist together productively.

In fact, you can MOVE yourself DELIBERATELY OUT OF CONTRAST by LOOKING UP!

THIS IS THE POINT... THE VALUE... THE LITTLE GUM BALL AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ICE CREAM CONE... THE "NUGGET"...

YOU CAN MOVE OUT OF "CONTRAST" with people, IF:

1.  You see and are mindful of when you are IN contrast or IN synergy, and don't choose to sign out of the conversation mentally, emotionally, rationally or in any other way once you determine where you sit.

and,

2.  You SHIFT your focus to a HIGHER value... in business, it could be your shared desire to grow the company, your shared TRUST that you are both trying to do the right thing, your shared work ethic in giving the company all you've got to help it succeed... in parenting, your shared desire to have your kids be happy and safe, and grow up successfully... 

However you can resolve it... 

YOU CAN LEARN FROM EVERYONE AROUND YOU... THERE IS MORE TO LEARN, MORE TO UNDERSTAND, MORE TO EXPERIENCE than we can ever reach... 

AND, SURPRISINGLY, SO MUCH OF WHAT IS MOST EXCITING AND NECESSARY TO LEARN, we WON'T LEARN from those we SYNERGIZE with because in many ways, we may already know or believe SIMILAR things (which makes us synergistic)... 

PEOPLE THAT CONTRAST WITH YOU IN SOME WAY... have the greatest potential of helping you grow and expand your mind and your truth and your IS... 

Clearly, I get that there are limits to this.  And, that there are irreconcilable differences, and people that we just DO NOT want to spend time with because they are truly evil or mean... But, I would argue that constitutes 0.00001%* of the people you choose not to interact with or learn from.  

*(For those of you math folks out there... 0.0001% is a completely made up number and could be completely wrong, it is based on no factual or quantitative testing, but using it for affect... IT'S A SMALL PERCENTAGE ;-)

Trust me ;-) I learn SO VERY MUCH from people I SYNERGIZE with... and the process is MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE... and so much EASIER.... I GET IT.  People I synergize with not only take my knowledge farther faster, but they make me feel GREAT about who I am in the process.  DO NOT TAKE THIS TRUTH FOR GRANTED... It's what makes us SEEK and PREFER these people so unconsciously.

But, keep your goals... your objective... YOUR WANT in mind... because to truly excel and transform your reality... it's embracing the people that you CONTRAST with that will be GAME CHANGING... 

And understanding this dynamic now as a leader...   

the more we can learn to synergiE with people the greater the efficacy of our leadership...

we must learn to rise above contrast... to create synergy in our organizations... real synergy.

it is perhaps our greatest challenge and opportunity as leaders... to create synergy so that our team can learn more and better from each other...

because few will be able to learn from contrast, even though all can... 

 This will not only give you an edge, it will give you almost a "super power"... 

It's like all of a sudden you can get protein from chocolate lava cake (if you followed that metaphor, you understand the power of this conversation)...

BE MINDFUL of CONTRAST and SYNERGY... in your own interactions and bias...

AND, in your professional and personal life...

And, work not just to create a bridge for yourself from contrast to synergy... and from close mindedness to open mindedness..

But help build bridges all around you...

EMBRACE & SHARE THE CONTENT that constructs... 

BE BIGGER, BETTER, WISER than the status quo...

INVITE and WELCOME CONTRAST...

And, keep an open mind and a warm smile...

always learning more...

in harmony,

Nestor

DON’T check the box...

Checking the Box...

Everyday I see people wanting to “check the box”...

• Have that meeting
• Send that email
• Have that conversation
• Finish that presentation
• Participate in that seminar

Everyday I see people satisfied because they “checked the box”...

In a world where “being busy” defines success, and technology fills every empty moment of our lives, there is a satisfaction with just...

“Checking the box”

And, every time I see I it, I feel it, I cringe...

While checking the box allows you to “move along to the other task”, checking the box so very often, if not always, fundamentally fails to deliver on why the box is there in the first place.

The difference between “checking the box” and being present, being thoughtful, optimizing the moment is EVERYTHING!

Think of making a dinner and freezing it ahead of time when friends come over versus cooking it right in front of them, drinking wine, laughing, and tasting your newly crafted creation together...  it’s wholly different.

Think of someone reading slides with lots of corporate speak versus someone speaking from the heart, sharing personal experiences about why they care about the topic... it’s wholly different.

I see the difference in the reactions that the two generate, in the culture that the two create...

Checking the box proliferates a “job”...

Showing up, being present, optimizing the moment proliferates a “calling” or a “purpose”...

It makes ALL the difference.

We are all so very busy that just “checking the box” feels like all we can possibly muster... The difference in the time it takes is typically moments... The difference in impact, in affect, in engagement is potentially transformational.

Yesterday we were working on our internal employment performance feedback process at EMG.  We call it our “ONE Thing”.  I was working with a few people who take the concept extremely seriously. They are passionate about what the process can and should do for our organization.  They are amazing people.  We were in the process of rolling it out... and we were in a rush.  The whole process was about “checking the box” and getting the process started... it felt wrong.  Or, not wrong, it felt “normal”, “uninspired”... like the potential to MISS an opportunity... So, we didn’t.

We were going to roll out the presentations to the coaches and then we were to proceed to the employees...

Those “roll outs”, those “meetings” which are often thought of as the painful “to dos” that we must “get done” in order to get the process started, are actually the potential magical moments that will take this from a unwanted corporate process to an engaged personal opportunity for transformation...

The difference in a 30 minute meeting that is a painful experience, and one that is engaging and energizing can be almost singularly defined by...

Is the person leading the meeting “going through the motions” or “checking the box...” OR was the person “engaged and energized” themselves...?

The thing that I have learned... which I want you to consider seriously, is that the person 

“Checking the box”

Often cares ALOT and is passionate about what they do...

They are just intimidated by showing how much they care, by being seen, by speaking from the heart, by being authentic...

In the interest of “caring” they bring forward their most serious “corporate speak” instead of speaking from the heart...

They try to make the meeting “perfect” by making it sound like some foreign idea in our own heads of what companies are supposed to sound like, instead of sounding like people who care...

They say stuff like “the employee” instead of saying “YOU!”

As leaders we must be aware of the opportunity that presents itself to us everyday to make a difference... to make it matter... to make it count...

Our jobs in creating leaders is about SETTING people free from the “rules” that they think they are supposed to follow...

Great success is not achieved by “checking boxes”...

That is how forms are supposed to be filled out.

Great success is achieved by unleashing yourself, your passion on the world... by allowing the simple things that we work on be meaningful and important... by tying all that we do in some rational way to that which we want most... to our highest strategy... to our personal ambitions... to each other!

It’s not achieved by making sure your to do list was finished, but rather to make sure your to do list was accomplished...

Writing a letter is not about writing a letter, it’s about conveying feelings and ideas.

Making a presentation is not about making a presentation, it’s about engaging and inspiring people to think deeper and bigger...

Sending an email is not about sending an email, it’s about showing people who you are, why you care, why they should...

Many people don’t see the difference beforehand, but the vast majority of people, and I would argue all, FEEL the difference afterwards...

Don’t just write... EXPRESS...

Don’t just present... INSPIRE...

Don’t just talk... CONNECT...

Don’t just do... CREATE...

It makes ALL of the difference, not just in how others experience your leadership and your person, but it makes all the difference in how YOU experience LIFE!  

That is why I encourage everyone to TURN ON THE CAMERA... SHOW YOUR FACE... let people see that you care... that you are present... talking to THEM... Don’t just let them hear your words, when you can let them experience you!  Almost everyone wants to HIDE from the camera, and yet they are the voice on the other side of the speaker... If you want to LEAD effectively, BE SEEN!  Not to promote yourself... but to connect with people.

Take just one more moment.  Don’t just check the box... think about WHY the box is there.

Take just one more moment.  Don’t just check the box... PAINT outside the lines...

Take just one more moment.  Don’t give them what you think... give them what you feel... show them why you care... and they will understand why they should!

It’s not a “corporate performance review”...

It’s an opportunity to transform yourself...

You are not trying to convince everyone... just one more person than would have otherwise engaged... one more person than last year... 

In leading, in parenting, in business, in life, in coaching, in sharing...

Raise your bar...

Life is not a form to be filled...

It is magic to be created...

See the difference.  Feel the difference.

LIFE IS SHORT... AND EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO ENGAGE IS WORTHY OF YOU!

Be mindful, be thoughtful, be present in what you do...

Your dreams...

Your happiness...

Your entire life experience...

And, that of those you lead...

and, those you care about...

DEPEND on it.

Don’t “check the box”...

JUMP ON TOP OF IT!

Wrap it... Embrace it... Redefine it... Expand it...

CRUSH IT...

And, UNLEASH YOU!

Make it count...

And watch the world around you grow, change, transform... 

YOU...

MAGIC...

In harmony,

Nestor

Looking in the mirror 2...

Sorry it took me a few days to give you part 2...

I came across an article this weekend by some guy named Mark Manson, you can find more about him at MarkManson.net.

I just googled him, as I thought only appropriate research if I am going to quote him, and literally as I was searching the thought in my head was...

"I really don't care who Mark is... his article was brilliantly inspiring... that is really all that matters."

I learned via google that he is the NY Times best-selling author of the book, "The Art of Not Giving a F*ck".  How ironic ;-)

Anyway, back to the conversation at hand...

Again, this is not my original thought, but a powerful "truth" that he wrote about, that I thought was powerful, insightful, and meaningfully thought provoking... It is the type of thought, that if embraced, materially changes your ability to achieve your "WANTS" in life, and thus your ability to achieve moments of harmony.

Mark ponders about the question "What do you want in life?" and suggests that ultimately, we ALL WANT the same thing (or some thing extremely similar).

It's something that I have thought much about - ultimately our wants converge on the same thing...  virtually all, if not all, people "WANT" to be healthy, loved, intelligent, successful, wealthy... all businesses want to be profitable, want to grow...

WHY is it that success happens so very differently for people?

Why is it that we all have such a different result vs our "WANTS"?

Mark suggests that we ask ourselves a different question... NOT "What PLEASURE do I want?", but rather "What STRUGGLE do I want?"

At first, I was confused.  Who wants struggle?  Maybe the question is "What struggle will I accept?"... but I think "want" is a better word.

Think about it... 

Everyone wants an amazing, successful life.  In my example of Sunday, I want a healthier body.

What STRUGGLE do I want?  Because I clearly don't WANT the struggle of passing up sweets everyday.  I clearly don't want the struggle of not enjoying certain flavors on a regular basis.  I clearly don't want the struggle of dealing with my own schedule to make sure I am exercising everyday.  

Mark argues that we all WANT the same thing and that doesn't differentiate us, and that doesn't mean anything... in terms of our true deliberateness of who we are going to be and how we are going to live.  What he argues really matters is "What PAIN are we willing to SUSTAIN"... "What struggle are we willing to accept".

If you want to be very successful and "climb the ladder", are you willing to spend less time with your family?  are you willing to spend a lot more time studying about business, leadership, or whatever the skills needed in your industry / role?  are you willing to fail?  are you willing to choose a vision to believe?  are you willing to look into yourself and mature and become bolder and better at prioritization, at risk taking?

Because ultimately, you don't HAVE to do those things to climb the ladder, but it wholly changes the probability of accomplishing that want...

His article is fantastic and it asks - what are the "struggles" that you have to be willing to WANT in order to achieve great success in relationships, in business, in health... 

I am going to evolve my thinking... because what he says is an absolute truth...

If harmony is achieved in moments where I am moving toward my WANT, then I now am clearer that my WANT needs to be LESS about what I want to enjoy... and more about WHAT PAIN am I willing to EMBRACE... so that I may experience the enjoyment.

That changes the question.  That changes the mindset, for me at least, and the clarity of how I speak and think about my "WANT"...

What separates us, he argues.  What makes us unique... what makes us achieve and succeed...

IS NOT what JOY we WANT, but what PAIN we CHOOSE... what STRUGGLE we are willing to step into boldly... day in and day out... to achieve that WANT.

That thought changes the game for me... it makes me own my own "success" (to the level that I have some ;-) in a slightly different way.  It makes me own what struggles I have embraced, accepted, and chosen... possibly "wanted" in order to be the father, the husband, the employee, the leader, the friend, the man that I am.

And, importantly, it ALSO makes me own my own "failures" (and, I am well in tune with many of those).  It makes me own what struggles I have avoided, not had the courage or the stamina or the discipline to engage, and thus opted out of... in order to not achieve the level that I desire as a father, a husband, an employee, a leader, a friend, and a man.

It's not about harmony and disharmony in this case.  It's not about praise versus criticism.  It is always about truth... about understanding ourselves better, our minds better, our behavior better... and, most importantly, our OPPORTUNITY better...

To think differently, smarter, wiser in the next moment... to inch ever closer to a more consistent and enlightened harmony.

Google Mark Manson and "What do you want in life?" and you will find the article... It's worth a read.  I smile everytime I read the word "harmony", "IS", "WANT" and "WISH" in the description of these topics.  

I haven't read the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck", the title turned me off, and the gist of the message confused me.  I WANT to CARE... I WANT to GIVE A F... and at the same time, I see the amazing power in "not caring so much"... I'd rather think about it as "The Subtle Art Of Realizing That We Cannot Control The World And Everybody In It" but that probably explains why I am not a NY Times bestselling author ;-)  That book would not sell as well.

As I sit here in my bed and write... and ponder whether or not I should get up and exercise this morning before going to work ;-), I look at my virtual mirror and think to myself..

What do I want in life?

Who is the man I want to be?

What do I WANT when it comes to my wellness and my health?

What pain...

What struggle...

am I willing to embrace...

am I willing to own...

in harmony,

Nestor

Looking in the mirror...

Ok - short break for two conversations away from "Brain to Zen"...

This is a two-part conversation.  Today is "the mirror"... tomorrow is "the pain".

I went to Hot Yoga this morning.  I ask myself why I go...

It feels good.  It only hurts a little.  And, you stand without a shirt in front of a mirror for 90 minutes as you try unsuccessfully to mimic the movements and shapes of the others and melt into the plastic floor.

It feels age appropriate.

I am giving it time... to see if I dedicate more to it, if I see a return on my investment... I try not to be one of those people that throws things or experiences away before truly knowing them, because I believe some of the best activities, things, people and experiences in life require effort to understand, to appreciate... to enjoy.

Anyway... I was mindful today of my disharmony... my very constant disharmony with my body, with my wellness.

I was watching my body in the mirror simply "wishing" it looked different.  Not completely different, just with fewer fat cells ;-)

I don't think its about being vain... though that may be a part of it.

I look at my body and feel a layer of "foreign" stuff in my way... hiding who I am... hiding the gift of my strenth... getting in the way of my ability to experience yoga as it was intended to feel.

I look critically at my body wishing it looked different, and then I think critically about my lack of discipline in how I eat... then I start wishing I had more discipline... and my eyes come back to my stomach and I feel the disharmony cloud in my head.

I have worked through most of the wishing in my life - and have turned the majority of it into a healthy, generally harmonious want.  But, my weight remains a wish... and not surprisingly I continue to struggle to make progress...

Disharmony begets disharmony - and in most cases fails to achieve the desired state...  I feel it... Disharmony... Wishing... takes away our power... takes away our appreciation... takes away our joy... and it's hard to build harmony from there.

I share this - because its such a great example, and such a relatable feeling, that explains so clearly the difference between harmony and disharmony.

As I go through the class, my mind is constantly on the topic.  But, I can separate it from me.  I can just observe and think...

And, the following thoughts fill my head...

All of us in this room could be wishing...

The guy behind me could be wishing he had more muscle,  He is skinny, but I know many skinny people that wish they had more bulk.

More hair, less hair... bigger butt, smaller butt... taller or shorter... younger or older... tanner or whiter... we can all wish on something...

I walk through everyone in the room, and I think to myself of how they could be looking at themselves and creating a "wish" of something different.

We can all choose to wish... there are things in EVERY aspect of our lives that could be turned into disharmony and into a wish...

I am laughing at myself as I am attempting unsuccessfully to intertwine my arms into eagle pose... I look more like a pretzel made by a new worker at Auntie Anne's stand at the airport... If the Yogi master had been watching me originally, I am thinking, there is NO WAY they would have named this the "EAGLE"... maybe the "NOODLE" or the "TWIG" or the "Twisted Hippo"... anyway... I digress.

I am now smiling at myself... and thinking about my mindset and dissappointed in myself.  Mindful of my egocentricity... mindful of my limited perspective... mindful of my disharmony...

Breathe...

As I look in the mirror, I think...

You are here... why can't you be proud of that? 

You are trying... does that not count for anything?

Oh and by the way, fat boy, you are still 30 pounds less than you were 5 years ago.

So ungrateful you are...

Oh and you are alive... remember that?  You are alive and have the means and the liberty to have healthy and independent children that can take care of themselves that affords you the opportunity to be here...

Oh and the cost of this self-induced pain session is not an issue for you... 

And, I am strong and have the ability to while not looking like the guy in the posters, still attempt, enjoy and benefit from the practice of yoga... doesn't any of that count?

And, you could just stop eating the left over pizza that your sons don't eat... you could stop doing that TODAY and see your body look more like the image you have in mind...

Now I feel doubly bad... 

Vain, fat and ungrateful ;-)  Funny AND TRUE!  And, "fat" is a relative word that is whatever you make it.  

I am amused by my own awareness of my disharmony and my harmony... and now I am more thinking about the thought and selection process in my mind... 

Breathe...

I had a good workout.  The thoughts linger.

I am grateful to be able to wear a shirt out of the studio ;-)

I WANT to be healthier.

I WANT to be stronger.

I WANT to be more flexible.

I WANT to feel better in my own skin... not metaphorically, but literally.

I WANT to be proud of my discipline and my progress...

I WANT...

and, I am grateful that it all remains in my power, in my control, and in my possibility...

Let's talk about this tomorrow... because truth is we all want the same thing...

I think...

when we look in the mirror...

in harmony,

Nestor

two years old...?

I am not sure if I should be writing these conversations differently.  

I like to write in the flow of thought, not in a pre-conceived way.  And, there is so much in these recent books that help me understand my "IS', our "IS' in a more meaningful and complete way..

For example, still in the "My Stroke of Insight" book, which has a lot left to five, Dr. Taylor shares,

"It is interesting to note that although our limbic system functions throughout our lifetime, it does not mature.  As a result, when our emotional "buttons" are pushed, we retain the ability to react to incoming stimulation as though we were a two year old, even when we are adults."

How often do we note or are surprised by people's reaction, "He'll never change... That's just who he is!"

How often do we "wish" that people didn't react emotionally to stimuli, to conversations, to situations?  That they could rise above their emotions and "SEE" the objective IS, the non-emotional "IS"?

Here is why reading this quote is so meaningful to me... 

Understanding that our limbic system doesn't really evolve, makes me empathetic to my colleagues, to my family, to my friends.  It's just part of our reality, our "IS"... It's a part we have to work with and through.

So, knowing this truth, it would be counter-productive, it would be stupid of me, to not heed it...

It would be "wishing" on my part that the emotional buttons didn't exist.

It would be "wishing" on my part that the limbic system would evolve differently...

which is non-sense.

We need to get past that part of our brain, in order to engage the parts of our brain that do evolve and mature.  So, in how I show up, in how I communicate, being mindful of it, thoughtful with my words, and, importantly, as deliberate as I can be with the two-year old inside of my own mind... is harmony altering!

It's not just being empathetic and understanding with others... It's being empathetic and understanding AND DELIBERATE with our own minds and emotions.

I feel like everyday I am becoming more and more "the adult" in the space of my own mind.  I am managing the "two year old" that occassionally appears, and not yelling at him, but ignoring him at times, acknowledging him at times... and maybe now, a little more empathetic to the fact that he will likely never grow up.

My limbic system needs to be taken care of, like a younger sibling, or maybe even a child, and let loose only in those moments where we really need its super powers.

But, again, all of this together...

When I am talking to someone (and right now I keep going in my own mind to conversations at work, but I spent years working on this as I dealt with my father)... When I am talking to someone, I now think about speaking to their "energy", to their "soul"... to their "being"...

I am not talking to just their brain...

That changes things...

It's not just about our words.  It's about our emotions.  It's about our intent.  It's about our energy...

Too often people let themselves off the hook... "I said those things"... "I said exactly those words!!!"  In my mind, I don't doubt they said those words, but I wonder HOW did you say them... with what energy?  People tend to look at me with frustration or exhaustion if I actually verbalize any of those thoughts...  I can see it in their eyes "WHY is that necessary?  It shouldn't be..."

Who gets to decide?

What "should" be?

Any "should" thought is likely a "wish"...

There is no "should" and noone "decides"... It just "IS"... We are built as we are built...

And, the question is...

can you deal with the two-year old as a two year old in that moment?  as a two year old moment in an otherwise adult conversation?  possibly as a two year old moment, inside your own mind?  can  you deal with that TRUTH openly?

If you can't... no big deal... it all figures itself out...

But, if you can... If you can start embracing the absolute truth of our brains and our beings, and embrace the IS, accept the IS, address the IS ... deliberately, thoughtfully, effectively...

You get to lead... 

You get to construct...

You get to evolve...

all from a single quote, from a single thought, from a single truth...

from a single moment...

be mindful and careful with the two year old in the room...

and help him through that moment.

in harmony,

Nestor

Happy Friday!

So, we were talking about the book "My Stroke of Insight"... 

I truly walk around these days, differently.  

I realize more than ever that I am not my thoughts.  I don't know if I create my thoughts, but I certainly observe my thoughts, and SELECT which thoughts to invest in, to turn to action, and which to tune out or challenge.

I realize more than ever that I am not my body.  I see myself in the mirror during my occasional hot yoga mornings and see this aging body that I am grateful for, but that isn't "me".  It truly feels like my "vehicle" through life.  I want to take care of it.  I want to be proud of it.  But its my body, it's not me.

It's funny... once you start heading in this direction (and I realize this is getting heavier than I intended for a Friday morning)... as I start thinking about it... who am I, what am I?  It's liberating in some ways to feel like maybe you aren't all those things you thought you were... you aren't limited by the normal boundaries of life.

From the Bhuddists books that I have been reading, the question of what if there is no "self" makes so much more sense to me now.  I still believe that I am a unique being, part of it is the energy that I have been given, what many call the soul, and some of "me" becomes the physical form that I have been given and the roles that I play in this experience and journey, we call life.

WOW... too deep... pull up... pull up...

So here I am at my desk ready to take on the day.  Observing the thoughts that cause me stress, pause and disharmony.  And, working in every moment to choose the ones that don't.

Life has never been better, and everything is still challenging... how to tackle tricky conversations, how to get my butt into the gym today, how to influence those I care about to better navigate their situations... to try to get my arms around our exciting business and row in more of the same direction.

It is all so much bigger than I, so overwhelming and intimidating if we let it.

It is when I really realize that I cannot control anything that I feel no fear.

It is when I think I can control the outcome of things that I start to feel failing or letting people down.

I can ONLY control me... I can only select my thoughts... I can only navigate my harmony.  And, I do it day in and day out, wanting to do right by those I love, by those I work with, by those I see at random walking down the street.

I want my energy to expand positive energy, to expand possibility, to do right and do well... and to know joy...

I am in a place that I have never been before... and I am grateful for it, and for you... 

I feel empowered, worthy and capable.  And, I feel small, transient and insignificant.

I am all of those things.

My IS... 

Understanding it...

accepting it...

embracing it...

appreciating it...

It's not a box to be checked, a goal to be reached...

It is a journey to be lived...

RESIST the urge for simple answers...

ACCEPT the awesomeness of the unknown...

then focus back on this moment, smile and pour all of your energy into your WANT...

And, move the world ever so gently and infinitesimally into greater harmony.

It's all we can do...

It's all we need to do...

Nestor

Brain to Zen

Where as in my reading I have gone Zen to Brain...

I think I am going to start sharing what I have learned from Brain to Zen...

so that I may not lose some of you early from the conversation.

So, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, whom I have shared before in our conversations did do a TED talk, but that was AFTER she wrote her book, "My Stroke of Insight".  And, while many times, the books are unnecessary to read because "all that you needed to know was in the talk", in this case, reading the book was awesome.

And, recommended.  If you want to better understand your mind and how it works and how it influences how you think, and possibly why you think as you do... you've got to read this book  It's a quick read.

The very first line of the book starts...

"For any two of us to communicate with one another, we must share a certain amount of common reality."

To me, from the first words of the book, I see the relation to "harmony".

I translate that for myself ;-)  For any two of us to achieve a common WANT, we must be willing to embrace our IS.

The whole book is about Dr. Taylor's experience through her stroke.  Her ability to experience her life for some time (months) with limited or no use of her left brain.  

If you haven't seen the TED talk - please google "Stroke of Insight TED" and watch it.  It will give you better context - and it's a very useful 20 minutes.

"Our human code was not a random act, at least not in its entirety, but rather is better construed as nature's ever evolving quest for genetic perfection."

Nature, the energy of the universe, God... We as human beings ARE harmony... our bodies are one of the most amazing forms of harmony made real.  "Nature", if you allow yourself to consider it, has for millions of years embraced the IS of our physiology and continuously evolved into the WANT of the most efficient and perfect human structure and machine that it could create.

I have always embraced "harmony" from ME as the epicenter of it.  I have thought about the concept being much larger than me certainly, and possibly involving all man-kind.  But, the concepts of harmony are the concepts borrowed from Buddhism, from the Kabbalah, from science... and I start seeing them now in bigger and bigger forms.

Sorry - getting a little Eastern on you.  

But, if "Nature" or "God" perfected our bodies through time through a process consistent with harmony... where does our "energy" come from....  HOLD THAT THOUGHT...

Too early for that.

"Although each hemisphere is unique in the specific types of information it processes, when the two hemispheres are connected to one another, they work together to generate a single seamless perception of the world."

I am going to explore how the right brain and the left brain contribute to our thoughts and feelings of harmony and disharmony...  And, I hope it makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

But, think of it... our brains are two separate organs operating together.

Harmony and Disharmony are two separate approaches to life - ultimately operating together.

The challenge to harmony and disharmony is that you can never become pure, or maybe that is "nirvana".  But life is complicated.  The thought of feeling simple bliss is hard to embrace, at least for me, because there are so many aspects to our lives, so many competing thoughts between our families, our health, our politics, our business, our children, our dreams, our desires...  So many levels, time frames, characters in our stories.

This is also a new thought for me... 

What if life and moments are not about simple "harmony" vs "disharmony"... (though I do think it ultimately nets out to that...

What if life and ever moment are two emotions that our mind is currently balancing to achieve a "single seamless perception of the world".

The NET single perception we want - we seek is one of harmony.

And, in all likelihood, some disharmony will always be in our minds as we achieve it.  It is forced in by our left brain.. by some of our left brain.

Not trying to complicate things...

Just trying to embrace the "IS"...

Harmony is not just a "philosophy"... or a "mindset"... or a "discipline"...

It's all of those things and it is challenged AND made possible by how our brains work, and how our brains choose to interpret the universe, our behaviors, our reality...

in each and every moment...

this is why I haven't been writing...

I am still figuring it out...

and it's getting clearer...

I am working on it ;-)

in it!

Nestor

missing my harmony...

I am in a growth spurt... and sometimes when I am in one, it's hard for me to write.

It's not hard because I lack a topic.  

It's hard because there are SO many topics and so many things as "work in progress" of getting figured out.

I need to just pick simple thoughts and share them, otherwise it becomes daunting to try to address.  And, the beauty of this medium, is that we can discuss things in simple ways.

I am reading or have just finished...

Why Buddhism is True.

Creativity Inc.

Stroke of Insight

I am watching "Year of Manifestation" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  It's one hour a week for an entire year.

I tie this together with the "Power of Kabbalah" that I read last Summer...

And, I am about to start reading "An Influential Mind".

Do you sense a theme?

I am understanding all of these connections and philosophies that start at the beginning of the universe and end in this and every moment in conversations between family members or colleagues.

I feel like it is ALL making so much sense.

AND, it is all so very much confirming the power of HARMONY, and giving me a greater understanding of WHY HARMONY is so very powerful.

I will start writing as best as I can, and sharing as best as I can the gist of the books...

Lightness and Darkness

Right Brain and Left Brain

Accountability and Blame

Harmony and Disharmony

There is a balance of good and evil in the world, and it is all divided by the same line.  It is all a function of whether or not you are "in the flow" or "resisting the flow".

You can play this out to very Eastern Zen, wild and hard to relate to concepts... and you can play this out to very physiological brain driven behaviors that affect human relationships everyday.

I am trying to get my arms around all of it... and I am starting to understand the connection between ALL of it.

It is overwhelming and inspiring and intimidating and powerful.

I will leave you with this thought...

We are ONE... we are ONE energy... all of us and everything.  The level to which we embrace that, we know joy, we feel happy, we progress, we grow... the level to which we resist that we fear, we feel anxiety, we struggle.

Harmony is about living every moment in a way that brings our WANT into ONE with our IS.

Disharmony is being disassociated from your IS... from yourself and seeing your WISHES as INDEPENDENT and SEPARATE from your IS and your moment.

Harmony is the discipline of constant reconnection with who you are, with your reality and with your wants...

Disharmony is the resistance, lack of acceptance or awareness of your IS... 

Hang with me... we are going for a ride.

It ties in religion in the most relevant of ways.  I feel like I am building for myself the bridge between spirituality and reality in a way that I have always WANTED but never understood.

I so very much saw spirituality as something independent of all else... and I am starting to see how related it is, intrinsic it is, essential it is to EVERYTHING else in my life...

Trying to leave the shore and explore new oceans...

I have always loved the ocean...

stay tuned...

in harmony,

Nestor

Time...

I feel it passing... 

time... 

through my eyes  

into my bones. 

memories collect... 

I return again and again. 

I say goodbye to Mamama and Papapa...  

tears flow... 

I have been here before. 

My body is strong,

but impacted... aware.

Time. 

I see it in the mirror. 

Wounds heal... 

Scars remind us 

of the deep ones

and occassionally of the pain. 

I feel time passing... 

and I am grateful. 

I know the alternative. 

I know death. 

Ive always known the difference. 

We are transient... 

momentary. 

We must live in the moment,

in part

because we are a  

moment

ourselves... 

I see so many fighting  

truth... 

in an attempt to fight time... 

but truth is truth. 

And time is passing. 

Time is passing. 

I still chase moments - 

the difference is that I now realize it. 

And, I am chasing them less. 

I feel time passing... 

not just in the word, “feel”... 

in my cells... 

in my being... 

in my boys... 

men. 

I have no intention of fighting time... 

just deliberately trying to gain wisdom... 

To share it... 

To expand on it... 

To experience it...

Time

IS

passing... 

The one true

Absolute... 

I am grateful... 

and seeking wisdom... 

for acceptance... 

for presence... 

memories collect

love deepens... 

clarity arrives

slowly... 

My life,

this life, 

is nothing

and

It is everything.

I am energy... 

I am love... 

I am  

but

a

moment... 

I feel it passing

time... 

in Harmony,

Nestor

Thoughtful...NES

I am amazed by how through continued effort - I see my behaviors, my emotions from afar.

I can see my rationalizations and the reasons... the FEELINGS in almost every case that drives the conclusions and the actions in my life.

I can see how they are interpreted by others...

And, despite the rationality and the clarity, I am still drawn to the "feelings".

I want to feel good.  I want to feel joy.  I want to feel worthy.

I don't want to feel guilty.  I don't want to feel ungrateful.  I don't want to feel anxiety.

So, I am steering at all times toward joy... toward harmony... as best as I can.

And, I notice...

I steer toward the people that make me "feel" better, and as deliberately as I can away from the people that make me "feel" worse.

Then I realize - no one can make me feel anything - I am the one choosing my reactions to their actions.

So, how do I help them understand how their "actions" based on their "feelings" are creating my reactions...

And, in EVERY CASE, when I engage in that conversation there is rationality and empathy, their is collaboration and effort...

I am so convinced that at the end of the day...

WE ALL WANT JOY... and HARMONY.

WE WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM ANXIETY... and DISHARMONY.

And, we are seeking and steering toward the former and away from the latter.

But, the VAST majority of people are on "auto pilot"... they just don't SEE their feelings and their behaviors tied together and associated.

They spend their moments rationalizing and defending their behaviors and BLAMING all of the others for not modifying their behaviors.

It's not an epidemic.  

It's HUMAN NATURE.

And, it's mindfulness, maturity, HONESTY, LOVE... and relentless curiosity that allows you to MAYBE start to see WHY you are as you are.

I feel like I spend most of my days... every day... thinking about this and ACTIVELY working this personally and professionally.  Most people don't want to talk about feelings.   They want to talk about behaviors about actions.  And, so often there is such deep frustration (FEELING ;-) because behaviors don't change... 

It's like trying to change the experience by changing the wrapping...  It can look different for a moment and then once you open it... and live it... it looks and FEELs the same...

When we are able to accept and embrace that we must dig into FEELINGS... into FEARS... into HOPES... into DREAMS in order to really change behavior...  Then we have a real shot at making breakthroughs.

In a conversation yesterday I was asked... "So WHEN does it turn?  How long do you have to go before things change?"  In my mind, I was stumped for a moment... "Sometimes CHANGE never comes... " I thought.  But at the same time I thought, "It can come at any moment... as soon as you really SEE it and DECIDE differently..."  I am convinced it's when you are willing to OWN the FEELING - and the reality that it starts there...

I look at the mirror ALL the time... and try to always look FIRST into it...

But, I need to remind myself that the mirror shows me behaviors and helps me see the rational.

What the mirror doesn't reflect easily is my FEELINGS - the reasons... the motivations... the programming behind my steering.

If we can accept that at the end of the day... it's feelings that drive us...

Then we can start to point our mindfulness and our rationality at starting to SEE those...

It's so simple... in some ways... 

And, so very, very hard...

Thoughtful... NES ;-)

Think about it... do you REALLY acknowledge what you feel?  what you fear? what you crave?

We ALL start there...

crave harmony... deliberately...

want harmony... rationally...

But close your eyes and look inside your heart...

Can you "FEEL" it?

It starts here,

Nestor

THAT guy...

I have always wanted to be... THAT guy!

You know...

THAT guy that had the nice sneakers in school.  The ones with the real Nike "swoosh".

THAT guy that had the house instead of the apartment... the house with the basketball hoop on the driveway.

THAT guy that had the parents that got along, that went out to dinner, that took family trips...

THAT guy who always fits in... The one who always seems to own the place...

THAT guy whose dad would talk to him with respect and consideration...

You know...

THAT guy that was strong and athletic... the one that made the team without having to be the "manager"...

THAT guy who went to the great school...  and got a great job!

I wanted to be,

THAT guy that ran a company...

THAT guy that people depended on and looked up to...

I dreamt of being

THAT guy that could see what people were thinking and could inject wisdom with thoughtfulness and humility.

THAT guy that could share great quotes from memory... and was wise beyond his years...

THAT guy that people talked about after they met him - about how he had impacted their life in some important way...

THAT guy who put his family first... and was always loyal and there for his friends...

THAT guy who innovated, created strategy, developed culture, grew companies, juggled lots of important things with a smile on his face...

THAT guy who makes you think, who inspires you to reach higher and smile bigger...

THAT guy that drove the nice car and had the nice house... 

Yet, THAT guy who knew the nice car and house... only mattered for the experiences they created inside.

THAT guy that believed in tomorrow... believed in himself above all else...

Yet, THAT guy who had faith and was "connected" to the energy in the world beyond himself...

I envied

THAT guy who had a great relationship with his kids and his spouse...

THAT guy who dreamt big and executed even bigger... 

My whole life I have been so eager to be

THAT guy that was comfortable in his own skin...

THAT guy who lived life on his own terms - spiritually, professionally, physically....

THAT guy who DIDN'T WISH to be anyone else... anyone other than WHO HE WAS!

As my life has transpired, I have slowly become "THAT" guy in many ways, and I have come to realize that those "things" THAT guy had, while sometimes comforting, never bring total or meaningful satisfaction...

I realize that, "THAT" guy is always still out there... ONE that is sharper, smarter, fitter, more intelligent, more together, more organized, more disciplined... 

I am trying hard to no longer chase "THAT" guy... 

but rather to

LOVE

THIS guy... 

THIS imperfect, kind-a-pudgy, bald as a cue ball, slightly-more-controlling-than-advertised, over-thinking, often disorganized, impulsive, often-exhausted, never-satisfied guy...

THIS guy who seems to go on and on about harmony, while so often unable to live it.

THIS guy who isn't afraid to say what he feels...

THIS guy who makes mistakes over and over again and seems so slow at breaking bad habits...

THIS guy who works hard at being grateful and present and worthy...

THIS guy who is so very tired of chasing THAT guy...

THIS guy who is starting to realize that "THAT guy" doesn't exist...  but rather is a collection of all of the WANTS and WISHES that define the characteristics of a man I would craft from scratch, if I could...

THIS guy who is so eager to reinvent himself, that he so often overlooks how far he's come...

THIS guy who is truly so very loved and appreciated by so many wonderful people that I deeply respect...

THIS guy who is so very blessed and lucky and stubborn and who never-ever gives up...

THIS guy... that I have always been...  constantly chasing...

THIS guy -

in harmony,

Nestor

Somedays...

Someday disharmony wins...

Somedays the "wishing" in our lives feels to big to ignore.

Somedays the dividedness of the world seems too deep to address.

Somedays all the blessings and the fortune of my life, seem hard to reach.

Somedays I wonder if I can stay positive, if I continue to believe, if I can continue to push...

Those days I feel angry for not being stronger, for not having more faith...

Those days I feel guilty for not feeling more grateful.

Somedays disharmony wins... 

And, we have to accept those days, and let them pass.

Those days, I take more deep breaths and focus on what I am trying to achieve.

Those days, I take deep breaths and try to understand my purpose.

Those days, I try to take in all that life gives me over and over again.

And, somedays disharmony wins.

But, every day is a new day... full of moments... full of opportunity...

The stronger my purpose the fewer those days...

The deeper my faith the fewer those days...

LOVE...when nothing else seems to work... 

I focus on LOVE... on the people I LOVE, on the reasons I LOVE...

On the NEEDS of those I LOVE... on the moments that I LOVE...

And, slowly... disharmony fades... 

Disharmony is disconnectedness from your life, your purpose, those you love.... from yourself.

Somedays, disharmony wins...

But, somedays doesn't define everyday...

And, everyday is full of moments... And, one moment can change the tide...

Everyday, CONNECTION IS LOVE... 

And, we find our harmony, our purpose, in those we love... and then slowly

we find it

in ourselves.

In harmony,

Nestor

Shefali

"When you pursue something,

that means you don't have it already.

So, when you don't have it already,

you're in lack.

You cannot pursue abundance from lack."

Dr. Shefali

I have been seeing Dr. Shefali come up more and more in all places of social media.  Initially, her thoughts were insightful and on point.  They were trivial and meaningful.

The more I read from her, the more I listen to her, the deeper she gets.  And, the more I am pulled into the conversation of flow, of authenticity and of abundance.

Again, the parallels to harmony strike me.

"When you pursue something, that means you don't have it already.

So, when you don't have it already, you are in lack.  (Or, in DISharmony - wishing you had it).

You cannot pursue abundance from lack."

You cannot pursue harmony from disharmony...

That is where I separate - but carefully.  I think we achieve the mindset of "lack" or "abundance" in the moment... so you can pursue a moment of harmony, from a moment of disharmony... you can pursue a moment of abundance from a  moment of lack.

The question is where are you NETTING out... where are you at the end of the day... 

When you lay your head down on your pillow... was your day - a DAY of NET ABUNDANCE or NET LACK?

Moments beget moments, day beget days, weeks beget weeks... and ultimately we call it life.

While it all happens in the moment... we live with the flavor of where we are NETTING out... and if we are netting out in disharmony, or lack... then harmony or abundance is hard to achieve...

IMPOSSIBLE in the SAME MOMENT...

BUT, you can change your mind... your net... your life... in a single moment.

I NET out in disharmony too many of my days... and then I feel guilty that I do... because my life is so very abundant.  I "KNOW" that... but often I don't "FEEL" that...

I'm staying close to Dr. Shefali...

She gets it... and she is helping me think deeper...

Moment to moment...

"You cannot pursue abundance from lack."

You cannot pursue BEING...

in harmony,

Nestor

"Feeling" vs "Knowing"...

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my fellow harmonizers...

I am sorry for my unexpected sabatical.   Part of it is that life has been full, and certainly my mind has also been full, generally in a good way.  And, part of it is that I am struggling to pick something to write about... only because there is SO MUCH to choose from, SO MUCH to explore / question / understand... and because writing "quickly" as I do, seems too simple for some of the topics in my mind...

Anyway... here we are... a brand new year... and a brand new opportunity to understand the world better, to create a better version of ourselves, and to find greater harmony in more moments.

I've been reading an AMAZING book, "Why Buddhism Is True" by Robert Wright.

READ IT, READ IT, READ IT!!!  I just can't do it justice, and writing about it seems so overly simple.  The more I read and understand Buddhism the more I respect it...  for those friends that are very religious, I share this quote from the Dalai Lama, 

"Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a better Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already are."

There are some fantastic thoughts about what is "TRUTH", which always brings me back to the absolute truth, and the concept of the "IS".  

My understanding of harmony is very  much built on the reality that we all live in a "filtered" world... in filtered "moments" by our own mind.  And, the concept of "embracing the IS of the moment", is about becoming more aware of how our minds, our past, our fears, our being... shapes our views of reality... of the "IS".

I have written about the importance of the "IS", and how very difficult it is to see the truth of things with true clarity and objectivity.  It's essentially "impossible" to do it perfectly, so we must simply attempt to do it 'better' and a little less 'imperfectly'.

The whole teaching of Buddhism, of meditation, or mindfulness is understanding our own bias, our own perception, our own feelings... and by doing so, starting to understand life more clearly... independent of "the self"... and the craziness that our minds like to add...

So, I strongly encourage you to buy the book... to own the book... and to slowly read the book.  It may cause you never to need to read about harmony again ;-(, but I am willing to take that chance.

One of the concepts in the book that stuck with me is the idea that we act based on our "feelings" more so than on our "knowledge".  While I knew this concept generally, I have been more mindful of it.

I "know" my wife loves me.  But, in moments where I am "feeling" her love, our relationship and my thoughts and behavior about the relationship is completely different.  I am a much nicer and better husband, when I "feel" her love.

I "know" my colleagues all have the best intent for our company.  But, in moments where I "feel" their intent, I have a different level of confidence.  I support them much more intelligently and effectively.  I think bigger and see further down our collective path.

It's hard to describe the difference between "knowing" and "feeling", but it's a MASSIVE difference.  "Knowing" is the left part of the brain.  "Feeling" is the right part of the brain.  (see Ted talk "A Stroke of Insight").

When we "know" but we don't "feel" something, we don't fully trust it.  (Sometimes, we don't trust it at all... "trust" is a feeling).

When we "know" but we don't "feel" something, we don't have confidence in it.  "Confidence" is a feeling.

When we "know" but we don't "feel" something, we don't find joy in it.  "Joy"... you get it.

I think that part of what works about my approach to life is that I am very rational (or, at least, I'd like to believe that I am very rational ;-)... But, I am also committed to FEELING things... and I am constantly trying to bounce between objective understanding of feelings, and feeling things...

PEOPLE sense when you feel... they don't sense when you know... because sensing is a feeling ;-)

When we read leadership books, we see the ideas... we strive to "know" the ideas... but do we commit to "feeling" the ideas?  

If it's true, and I believe that it is, that at  the end of the day, people choose their actions, their behaviors... based on their FEELINGS... not what they know.  As leaders, as human beings, it's not about what we can TEACH people to know... but what we can ACHIEVE people to FEEL...

And, the only way to ACHIEVE feelings is to CONVEY feelings..., which requires us TO FEEL!

It is so simple, so powerful... and so hard to put into words.

Likely, you read these conversations, in small part, because they provide you something new to know... but think about it sincerely... do you read these conversations because of the knowledge it brings you... or because of how reading it makes you feel?

"Feelings" are so often TABOO.  On countless moments I have spoken to the power of my rationality, of my objectivity... as my greatest strength.  And, now, while I do think objectivity is extremely important... I believe that rational objectivity in and of itself, without FEELING... is useless.

I do not want to be "guided" by my "feelings".  I do not want to "lead" or "react" with an "emotional" response.  I think those thoughts are of emotions or feelings, disassociated from objectivity and rationality.  

Now, I get that I must lead with "FEELING" (which is "emotional") based on objectivity and reason.  It is the ONLY effective way to lead and to communicate.  

Once again... the power of AND ;-)

A brand new year!

So much to learn...

So much to understand...

So much to feel...

in harmony,

Nestor

Harmony from the Window Seat

Today, I flew back from the West Coast back home.

I stood between three people in line that were gold card-carrying disharmony members.  But, I won't get into that discussion.  It just made me very mindful of harmony as I walked onto the plane.

I stepped in and saw that my favorite emergency rows were taken, so I opted for a front of the plane window seat.

Everyone in the front aisle seats were senior citizens (as I was flying from Arizona),   I asked to step into the window, and the larger, older woman stood up. She looked angry to have to let me in.

I paused... if I get in here, I will never get out.  "It's a 4 hour flight I thought.  I can sit tight."  And, she had gone through the visibly difficult effort of getting up, so if I had then decided not to use that seat, she might have smacked me.

So, I hurried to put my small bag up top, and put my large back pack below my feet.

A few minutes later, another woman sat in the middle seat.  "Now I am definitely stuck, I thought." 

I had two issues.  First, my water bottle that I had brought with me was in the small bag I had put in the overhead bin, and I was thirsty.  Second, I had to go pee... so, not having access to my water seemed appropriate.

I was amused by my mindfulness of harmony.  Every time I saw a stewardess pass, I considered asking for my water.  It never seemed to work.  They were always carrying something.

So, I would bounce between wishing I could get my water, or going to the bathroom... and settling in to my "IS" - I am stuck and I have no water... and it's not a very long flight.  You can hold out.  I'd be fine, then I'd see an opportunity and start wishing and then I'd settle back in.  I smiled at my own silly thoughts and at the trivial harmony sequence I was living.

It helped perhaps that I was reading the book, Why Buddhism is True.  (I will write about that book separately... AWESOME!)

Anyway, I was productive and more comfortable than I expected and I made it the whole flight.

As we prepared to land, I thought about flying. It happens to me on almost every flight that I look out the window and am just amazed by man's intelligence and innovativeness.  An average commercial plane weighs between 450,000 and 550,000 kilograms.  That is approximately 5,500-6,500 people flying at the same time.  Or, a large building flying through the air.  It never ceases to amaze me.  I remember the flight many years ago, when my fellow engineer, Alex Bijelic, explained the concept of lift and the basic science of flight.  The wonder of flight amazes me everytime - and even more so when I think that the "jet technology" that planes use to fly was developed 80 years ago.

Anyway, I was pleased with myself that I don't take the wonder of flying for granted.  I felt grateful... and mindful for mankind and capitalism.

As we landed, I thought about the number of flights that land safely everyday... over 28,000 flights per day... landing safely over and over and over again...

I thought about the people on the planes, angry that a flight is late by a few minutes, or by the person who is slow getting off the plane, or about the flight attendant that didn't bring their coffee, or about the fact that they couldn't serve peanuts because someone had an allergy, or because some of the older people who got pre-boarding didnt really need it...  So many reasons for anger, frustration... disharmony... So many trivial reasons...

And, yet they fly across the country in a plane the size of a building, and land safely... and that does not register in their minds.

We take so much in life for granted.  We react so emotionally to so many details that don't matter...

I was grateful to be back in Baltimore.

And, to be able to get to the Men's room.

I drank my water bottle quickly... I needed that!

I had a great flight...  reading about Buddhism, listening to the story of Pixar,  and mindful of all that IS... 

Trying to take little for granted...

in harmony,

Nestor

15,000 > 100 Million

I was standing there at this Peruvian restaurant in New York City...

the chill of December and the spirit of Christmas shining through the windows.

My cousin, my brother, Luis was giving a speech at his company Holiday party.

I am not 100% sure, why I was there.

I don't work for him, or do business with him.

But, I do LOVE him!  And, family was part of the celebration.

As he spoke... I heard him say, "Just a couple of weeks ago, my partner gave me the news, we broke $100 Million dollars in sales!"

I smiled deeply.

Just last Wednesday, our company had just surpassed the $100 Million dollar mark also...  a "HUGE" milestone!

I remember the days when Luis and I walked the streets of New York City as boys.  It was probably about 35 years ago.  Our eyes looked up at the sky, our hearts full of passion, our minds full of dreams...

We talked about life, about business, about what life and success could feel like...

I also remember dreaming of $100 Million dollars with my colleagues and partners 10 years ago, and it felt like a far away dream.

We actually named our conference room, 10^8... 10 to the 8th... 100 million that was our goal...

It was our goal, more than anything because it seemed unreachable, but worth striving for, and because it meant that we would have to do all the other stuff required to grow... to develop and execute on some type of worthwhile strategy... to make it come to true.

It was such a stretch.... It felt so impossible... And,

Like many goals in my life... I said it out loud.  I wrote it down on paper.  And, I didn't fully believe I would ever get there.  I just focussed on the day, on the issues of the moment, and tried to help steer us into tomorrow.

100 MILLION... for EMG... and for WTS...

It amuses me that my brother Luis and I reached $100 Million dollars in sales about a week apart, building two completely different businesses, in two different industries and largely from two different continents.

I had stood in front of my company, last Saturday and shared the same comments... And, we had all cheered about $100 Million.

And, then Luis said... 

"but you know, $100 Million is just a number, it's just money".  I couldn't agree more.  While hitting the goal had been a rush, the goal itself seemed empty and misguided (or perhaps better yet, mis-represented.

Luis spoke about the fact that his company employs 15,000 women in Peru.  He spoke about the fact that the work that they do employs thousands of people in factories, and that is why he and WTS must keep going.  Because he has a responsibility  to them... to keep reaching.

YES!!!

In my conversation with my company just 5 days earlier, I had spoken of the "magic" at EMG.  The thing that makes EMG special and meaningful is the people.  The fact that 90+% of people offered a job at EMG take it - because they see and feel something special.  There is a shared desire to take care of each other, to help each other, and to succeed together.

To me, the experience that our 600 employees have at EMG IS why we are there.  Providing opportunities for them to live better lives, and their families, and the countless clients that depend on our work.

We measure money, because it's EASY to measure.

We measure money, because, kind of like English is the global language, money is the global currency of success...

But, deep down inside, it is so clear to me.  It ain't about the money.  Sure, we all want to provide for our families.  And, I am no exception.  I want to travel, to experience life fully, in all ways, and money helps...

But, money is not why I work.  Money is not what motivates me to grow our company, to become better at what we do...

What motivates me... is creating a strategy that creates differentiated value.

What motivates me... is helping create a culture in which people are joyful and grateful to be a part...

What motivates me... is having a hand in making lives better...  in making the experience of LIFE better for me having played a part...

And, it makes me smile, that I am not in it alone... and that my brother Luis, is living the same dream... and that by being a part of his life... my life is more joyful.

$100 million... CHECK...

Now, I start looking at $200 Million, or maybe at $1 Billion... who knows... it's just money.

What matters... is ALL that it will take to grow, to expand on who we are, to improve doing what we do, so that MORE is possible... 

MORE opportunity for more people for more joy...

600 joyful teammates... that is my goal... it is far greater than $100 million.

It feels unreachable, but possible.

I don't know if I can ever get there...

I will just focus on today, on the issues of the moment, and try to help steer us into tomorrow.

And, at some point,

I will look up,..  smile... and wonder how we got here...

in harmony,

Nestor

Better at SADness

I was talking with my son today.

He is dealing with some stuff.

I could tell he feels uncomfortable crying.

"It's ok to be sad."  I said most sincerely.

I actually like feeling sad.  Sadness to me feels so easy, so authentic, so alive.

It's happiness that I have to be deliberate with...

I have to work at being happy.  I have to remind myself to be mindful to joy.  I have to willfully relax my face, focus on my blessings, and acknowledge my amazing fortune in life to get a little taste of happy.  And, I do... and, it's delicious.

But, happiness doesn't feel as authentic and certainly doesn't come as easy.

Sadness... I am good at sadness.  I can very quickly relax into the sadness of life, into the brevity of our existence...

I can think about my sisters, about the day I left Peru...

I can think about how lonely I felt so often as a kid, how much I missed my family...

I can think about my father... that one is so very easy to draw tears.

I can think about my mother... how much I miss her...

About so many people suffering, so many friends in difficult situations, about so many inequities in the world... I can think about the divided state of our country and world...

SADNESS is so easy... so genuine... so accessible.

I don't pretend to know why, but I do know feeling it makes me feel connected to the world, it helps me feel and understand love, it helps me feel empathy... and, ultimately, 

it helps me feel joy.  Because for all of those sadnesses that are real... there is so much beauty and strength and hope in the world.  I am living in great fortune in all ways thanks to my sisters being who they were and being sick which made us come to the States...

Happiness doesn't come easy, but it comes often... because it comes with harmony... 

It's ok to be sad.  As long as you work on SADness without disharmony.

You can be sad for the realities of life without wishing they were different.

It's sadness combined with "wishing" / disharmony that spirals into hopelessness... and that isn't worth a single moment.

But, sadness with acceptance. 

Sadness with strength. 

Sadness with gratitude.  

Sadness is part of our "IS" and avoiding it defaults our sadness to WISHING.  Because avoiding sadness is a form of disharmony.  Avoiding sadness is "WISHING" sadness didn't exist.  Avoiding sadness IS disharmony.

Not sure if you are still with me...

LIVE DELIBERATELY...

FEEL DELIBERATELY...

Both SADNESS and HAPPINESS... are part of our IS...

so, regardless of which comes easier.

EMBRACE & ACCEPT them BOTH... gratefully, honestly, DELIBERATELY!

in life...

in harmony,

Nestor