Wrong & Right

The concept of wrong and right is

exhausting,

over simplified,

and destructive.

The sooner you eliminate, or at least willfully temporarily forget those words and those terms…

the BETTER!

I sit in meetings everyday trying to get people away from “wrong” and “right”…

So much energy is wasted,

so much time is lost

battling over, most often, two inferior solutions.

When I think about it,

”Wrong” and “Right”

only exist in mathematics and morality.

And, I would argue in morality it’s arguable - depending on your culture, values and religion.

I do think at a very fundamental…

ground zero level of morality

maybe…

but even there I see a good amount of gray…

”Wrong” and “Right” are not USEFUL because -

they allow for minimal if any exploration…

they are not curious or expansive…

they are presumptuous!

They eliminate any additional learning about the situation at hand, and instead focus the discussion on the opinionated conclusion of two sides.

They fail to explore the richness, the complexity, the uniqueness, the completeness, the fluidity of the situation at hand…

AND

They fail to explore the assumptions and the biases that we as human beings make in the interpretation of those understood “facts” or more often, perceptions…

In business and in personal life

there is NO

right and wrong…

There is a situation typically containing variables… The “IS” of the situation…

There are objectives and desires regarding the situation…

The “WANTS” of the moment…

And then there are DIFFERENT potential solutions!!!

Ok - pay attention here…

Sure - there are “better” and “worse” options among them…

You certainly can separate them based on advantages and disadvantages, probability of success, and even preference…

BUT

the reason they are not “right” or “wrong” is because

a) until you are crystal clear on the objective criteria, those words are subjective

so, so, so often people arguing about right and wrong are in disagreement about the criteria in order to make the decision… based on their respective criteria THEY BOTH THINK THEY ARE RIGHT! And, time is wasted, until you talk about the criteria instead of the “rightness” of your position…

and

b) there are external factors that could make either or any of the possible solutions better or worse.

The selection of “Right” or “Wrong” can often be irrelevant to the outcome due to external factors or missing data…

so why kill ourselves battling over what is often two inferior solutions…?

I was in a contentious meeting just yesterday where my heart and brain hurt from some people’s inability to explore…

and then the final, and so very important point…

the fight for who is Right often damages the bonds between us that are essential for success, for happiness, FOR PROGRESS!

Right and wrong

create

Win - Lose scenarios that I would argue are 90 plus percent of the time…

Lose - Lose scenarios…

In life, it’s so, so much less about the “right” solution, and so very much about a mutually supported path forward!

we face decisions in business and in life constantly… many, many times per day…

fighting for right and wrong

NOT ONLY most often ends up battling over two inferior options,

but drains our energy and leaves scars in the relationship, often leading to divisiveness, disengagement and disfunction!

right and wrong don’t matter to me…

better and less good matter…

inching ever forward toward a

more intelligent,

more effective

solution

that has a higher probability of success…

THAT’S the criteria for the conversation…

And when you approach it that way, gaining alignment is

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo

much easier!

because in the process of exploration

people are seen and heard

criteria is made transparent

options are considered

alignment based on reason typically flows…

think of where we are as a country right now and tell me with a straight face that the battle for “Right” and “wrong” is serving us?

Its destroying us…

and it destroys businesses

and it destroys relationships…

Im telling you

there is a “better” way…

it’s not the “right” way,

but rather an inspired, enlightened way forward through conversation…

it requires an open mind, and often an open heart…

it requires respect and curiosity…

it requires the humility that we are smarter together..

it requires the willingness to win together…

it requires appreciating and embracing the subtlety of the complexity of every situation…

it requires realizing that our relationship is more valuable than almost any single decision…

and it requires

eliminating the concept

and even the words

”Wrong”

and

”Right”

from your vocabulary…

Try it…

Live it!

in harmony,

Nestor

How do you show up?

In every moment,

we are all giving up something

to be

where we are,

who we are,

and to do what we do...

When I

show up

aware of what I am giving up

to be in the moment,

I want and expect acknowledgement from others.

When I

show up

mindful

that everyone around me is giving something up

to be in this moment,

I am grateful for it…

for them…

and

I make it a point to make sure that everyone knows it.

How we

show up

creates the dynamic, the context, the flavor

of the moment.

Showing up

aware that others are giving up something to be present

creates openness.

creates trust.

creates harmony.

How do you show up?

Nestor

Allow Yourself To Dream...

ALLOW YOURSELF TO DREAM

Do you allow yourself to dream?

Because dreaming is breathing...

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Dreams are scary

Because they make failure seem possible...

At times, seem inevitable...

What if I can’t?

What if I don’t?

Have the time...

... the courage

... the intellect

... the strength...

To bring my dreams to life?

Do you allow yourself to dream?

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Is it dreaming that scares me?

Or, the possibility of living without them?

Do you ever wonder...

Did your mother dream?

Do you ever consider...

Would you be here if she didn’t?

Allow yourself to dream...

Because dreams are how we see tomorrow!

Dreams are why tomorrow matters...

Dreams are why we can not fall asleep...

And why we sleep like babies...

Sometimes my days fade into nights,

And then my dreams fade into days!

I can’t tell sometimes

Where my dreams end

And my day begins...

Allow yourself to see

What dreams may be here to show you...

Allow yourself to feel

What dreams may inspire in you...

Memories of dreams 

simply 

stay

memories... 

Allow 

yourself 

to 

dream...

Is life a tragedy that ends in death?

Or, is life a beautiful experience that dreams make real?

Can you stop yourself from dreaming?

Or is pretending not to dream 

Just a story we like to tell our friends?

ourselves?

Dreams 

are how we see tomorrow...

And, 

why 

tomorrow 

matters...

Dreaming is breathing

Breathing is living...

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Allow yourself to dream

And, as your day fades into night...

Allow yourself to breathe,

And consider which dreams 

came true

to

day...?

In harmony,

Nestor

Deming

I was re-reading a book that a dear friend gave me,

“Coaching To The Human Soul”…

A book that touches on a philosophy of coaching and human development, that in my opinion, is at the heart of any all development, maturing and evolution of human beings…

That book was a unique gift that I will treasure always.

Less so, because it gives me new ideas, and much more so because it emboldens me and energize me to be more true to who I am and how I am… Reading thoughts you hold so dear and so deeply true, written by someone who has dedicated their life to the competence of developing human beings affirms my values… and in many ways my being.

But, I digress…

I read a quote in the introduction from W. Edwards Deming, one of my heroes…

"Nothing changes without personal transformation.”

I’ve been sharing that quote every day since with people I work with… in all different types of settings and situations.

It’s such a simple concept- and yet, one that we so often ignore or discount.

NOTHING

not a thing

CHANGES

improves

WITHOUT

PERSONAL

TRANSFORMATION…

without

YOU

changing, evolving, maturing, growing…

WHY?

It speaks to that other quote from the amazing Einstein who says…

“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

Every day I run into people, often yours truly, who wants the world to change

WITHOUT

holding myself accountable to changing first!

Anything in my life or my work, that I want to make better, requires FIRST that I become better!

It’s the old lesson from accountability books, “First, look in the mirror”…

It is an absolute truth for two reasons…

1. We can ultimately ONLY change and evolve ourselves… nobody else.

2. The best, and often only, chance we have at influencing anyone else to change, is to show them by example that it’s possible…

And, selfishly… as long as I keep growing and transforming, I create new paths forward for myself… In many cases in my life, my own personal growth and transformation has shown me that the problems I was trying to solve were unnecessary to solve… I just had to appreciate them and understand them differently.

My own personal growth and transformation has shown me that the “problems” i have often been trying to solve, were not problems per se, but my own interpretation or perspective on situations…

And, sure, in many cases the things I was trying to solve either became irrelevant, because I found a different path forward, or I saw that by own transformation I was able to influence others to show up differently, or by my own transformation I was able to confront the truth of the situation with greater courage, objectivity and candor - and create a different level of understanding from others and resulting behavior…

In any case, asking the rest of the world to solve my problems or the problems I choose as important is disempowering… it leaves my own POWER on the sidelines… It makes me vulnerable and at the mercy of others… And, that never feels good…

We seek growth… as human beings… in every aspect of our lives. If we are awake. If we are engaged.

“Nothing happens without personal transformation.”

It starts with me…

It always does.

Not because I am more important.

Not because I am more competent.

But simply because…

it does…

It all starts in my mind…

(as it starts in yours)

in my thoughts…

in my want…

in my heart…

in my dreams…

even in my fears…

And, you can’t solve a problem with the same mind, in the same state, as you were in to conceive it…

It starts with me…

as it starts with you.

“Nothing changes without personal transformation.”

How exciting that today,

I get the opportunity

to transform

to grow

to evolve

yet

again!

Everything starts here…

Everything starts now…

Everything starts

with

me!

in harmony,

Nestor

Shift Happens

If you don’t know Joe Mechlinski, you should.

He will make you smile from the inside out as he reminds you without saying  a word that good people still outnumber the others by a landslide – that you are strong and talented –

And that you have so very much to offer the world!

Joe founded a company called Shift – which is multiple inspired organizations and businesses simply “shifting” the world in a positive direction.

He is also an author of multiple books, a devoted husband and father, and a life-long learner who lives his life without regret and by example.

Suffice to say, he’s one of my heroes, and I am grateful to also call him a dear friend.

I’ve known Joe for years and one of the things that connected us was his troubled past.  His story is entertaining & inspiring, and I’ve heard pieces of it for years, and read it cover to cover.  His father wasn’t around when he was young.  His mother died very young, when he was still a teenager.  He grew up in the inner city of Baltimore with very little food in the fridge.

Joe’s past and his journey is a significant part of his brand and his persona.  I didn’t realize just how much, until I went to an event this past Fall called Shift U, where he gave the first talk…

He commands the stage and engages the crowd – and me and 200 of my newest SHIFT friends listened intently…

I was listening to his words and taking them in – but something didn’t fit.

I listened as he shared the beautiful and detailed story of his life.  The amazing relationship he had with his father and how it had grown and blossomed through the years.  The wonderful gifts he had received from him mother – the passion, the curiosity.  He spoke of his years growing up and painted a beautiful picture of a nearly perfect life… ending it with a heartfelt thank you to his wife, who was in the audience.

I sat there inspired and confused.

This was the same story I had heard before…

Kind of…

It was the story of his youth but told not from a point of all that he had to overcome – but rather from a point of all the amazing support and love he had received that had nurtured him and escorted him.

It was the story of his youth told without ego and with endless gratitude.

I was amazed at how physically different the story felt as I listened…

And, how very true this version also sounded.

It is amazing how different the truth can feel & sound – when it comes from a different perspective.

What if…

What if all of those stories I tell myself are only half of the truth?  What if those stories that I tell the world, and choose to remember are born of ego and a lack of gratitude?

Like Joe – I define myself and my brand by having overcome hardships… I take pride in it.  And, pride is most often ego.

What if, as I realized late in life, my father wasn’t the villain in my story, but my muse?

I’ve never taken pride in surviving my sisters, but I have taken pride in the emotional maturity I gained from it.  And, pride is most often ego.

What if my recollection wasn’t that “I was pulled from my family and the world I knew abruptly at the age of 7.  I remember crying hysterically at the airport feeling like my heart was being ripped from my chest.  Then, I remember sitting lonely with my sisters in some strange house looking out the basement window at a cold, grey day with more rain than I had ever known was possible.”

But rather that,” My parents loved their children so much that they had the courage to leave everything they knew, to bring us to the possibility of a better life.  I remember how much love I felt growing up, and how much love I felt the day everyone came to wish us well on our journey.  When we arrived in this strange new world, friends took us into their home and helped us get settled.  I remember sitting with my sisters looking out of the basement window wondering ‘How will my life turn out?”

As I think about the way I remember my past, I am embarrassed by the amount of ego that I allow to tell the story.  I am embarrassed by the amount of credit that I give myself for having navigated myself forward…

Sure – I contributed in some ways to my journey… even in meaningful ways.  But, my contribution has been so very minimal compared to those of others – and of the universe. 

There is a different truth to my life that I owe more consideration. 

My parents were strong & courageous people.

My whole life I have been blessed with a loving extended family and absolutely amazing friends that filled any and every void in my life.

I met a loyal, intelligent and beautiful woman that agreed to join me on this lifelong journey, and with whom we’ve been blessed with three uniquely different, intelligent & thoughtful sons.

The universe… “God”… whatever you choose to call it, has saved me on many occasions… to make today possible.

My friends and family have grown… and I assure you that I am no longer and was never an “only child” because my sisters never left my heart, and I have some absolutely amazing brothers & sisters that life has given me…  And, I am lucky to be able to love them all.

The longer I live, the smaller I become.

The longer I live, the less I compare my home to mansions, and the more grateful I am not to be homeless.

The longer I live, the less I crave a second home, and the more grateful I am to be alive and healthy and have the opportunity to travel and see the world.

The longer I live, the less unique I think I am and the more I see how we are all so very similar.

The longer I live, the less I worry about what others think and the more I care about how it feels.

The longer I live, the less I value what I have and the more I want to invest in what I am.

The longer I live, the less I take for granted every moment and the more grateful I feel for every new blessing.

What if…

What if I’ve had nothing to do with the life I am living?

What if it is all a gift from the universe… my objectivity, my persistence, my ability to learn, my parents, sisters, brothers, children, spouse… 

Our world, the sun, our galaxy…

I do believe as human beings we have some volition, some consciousness, choices about what we choose to learn, how we choose to react, how we choose to grow & respond to the events of our lives… and those choices have consequences which create every unique journey.

And at the same time – I think about the fact that - I choose what I choose because of who I am… because of how I think… because of what I value… and I have to wonder to what extent I control any of that… I didn’t design my brain or my physiology…

I have taken pride in individualism and objectivism… I have believed for the vast majority of my life that my life is a product of my unique volition – and that I am a self-guided piece on this game board.  But, as I get older, I realize that I am not fully “self-guided”, there are some wireless connections into my brain that influence me… Ideas, people, relationships, love, fear, ambition, desire… they are all internal and external forces acting on my volition…

I digress…

It’s hard to rethink your whole life, your whole self, your whole truth while still being in the same mind that accepted and cemented those thoughts in the first place… And, a mind is ever expanding like the universe… And, I’ve been blessed with knowing there is more to the story…

The truth keeps expanding…  Do you feel the “shift” happening? 

Thank you for reading this– for being there – for caring enough to consider the possibility…

My willingness to consider everything scares some people… it’s unsettling. 

Unless you realize that we only exist in the moment – and every moment we can reset the understanding of our “IS” of our “truth” and redefine our “WANT’…

What is your story? 

What is your truth as you’ve told it? 

As you’ve chosen to accept it?

Is there more to it?

I bet you there is…

In harmony,

Nestor

Is compromise brilliant or ignorant?

Absolute positions create such emotion…

People want to take a side.

People like clear answers.

And, there so seldom are…

So, we have two choices… enjoy the beauty and brilliance of the granularity and complexity of life, or pick a side and be right maybe half the time…

I have written about compromise. I generally have thought it’s brilliant, powerful and wonderful.

My ego has often danced at the thought that I was better at achieving it, accepting it than others.

And, my ego was right to dance… for some of those times.

In reading this amazing book that I mentioned last month, “Never Split The difference”, I found myself listening to this chapter that says almost literally, “Compromise is stupid. It’s weak. It’s never the right solution.

The author uses the metaphor of a man who is trying to decide with his wife as to whether he should wear black shoes or brown shoes with a certain outfit, and suggests that compromise is wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe - and that’s stupid.

I am not presenting the whole argument - as his total argument does make some sense. But, he stresses the importance of this metaphor - and tells the reader to never forget it.

I hate absolutes.

If I played to absolutes, I may choose to stop reading the book now, because in my heart of hearts, I fundamentally disagree with his written views on compromise. Or, I may choose to walk away from compromise as one of the most powerful concepts I know - and consider it now, like so many, a weak conclusion.

But, I don’t play in absolutes.

I appreciate the beauty and the brilliance of the granularity of life ;-)

I hate the answer “it depends” - because everything does. But, I agree with it. (NOTE: I would just never use it as a an answer - I would give you a simple range of WHAT IT ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON!)

So, compromise can be a powerful tool or a stupid conclusion depending on the importance of the topic, the alternatives that are possible, and the consequences of the conclusion.

Too many times in life I have made compromises that I should not have… I have compromised on my values (most often now realizing what my values were, or creating a rationalization that helped me to justify it). And, that has certainly cost me and those close to me. I work now on thinking through the values of my decisions, and use that more as a guide and criteria for my decisions. And, I still at times make compromises on my values.

Why?

Because I live in a world where my values don’t match everyone elses. My values are not more important than everyone elses. And, arguably, they are not more morally correct than anyone elses.

This is why we live in a country where there are arguments about

pro-life vs pro-choice…

capital punishment or not…

Trump or not…

Compromise isn’t powerful or weak - it’s ESSENTIAL to life and coexistence. So anyone, no matter how well intended, putting up a flag that says compromise is stupid and trying to embed that into the fiber of their readers is doing a disservice to society and humanity. And, yet, that’s me taking that chapter a little too seriously.

But, it’s only because I think the concept of compromise is that serious. And, that oversimplified.

So, compromise also depends on context and relativity.

The bigger a group gets, the more essential compromise becomes.

The other reason I viscerally struggle against anyone who preaches intolerance to compromise, is that I believe to do so is to preach tolerance to arrogance, which I feel equally strongly against!

For me to adopt a philosophy of intolerance to compromise, means I will only accept life on my terms, which means you have to live by my terms, which means my terms are fundamentally more moral, more correct than yours. And, that’s arrogant. Maybe SOME of my beliefs or thoughts or conclusions are…. MAYBE… and even there is an assumption on the subjectivity of “more correct”…

What about the decisions you make for yourself? for your life?

When selecting a life partner? a house? a menu? a car? whether to go into debt or not? whether to drive home after drinking? whether to send that text? whether to …

Life is complicated… because so many variables that affect everything…

Can something be powerful and weak? Brilliant and stupid?

YOU BET!

I’ve seen people wear two types of shoes… Many athletes have made wearing two different color sneakers popular. Some NFL kickers wear a different shoe on their kicking foot…

Never answer “it depends” because that tells me nothing…

Help me to create more definition, more richness based on your perspective and life experience what it depends on for you…

Then, I can better appreciate the beauty of the granularity of life…

Maybe you can wear black shoes one day with that outfit, and brown the next…

Maybe it matters if you change the color of your shirt and belt.

Maybe you can not wear the outfit or shoes at all…

Not everything matters in the same way… and as you get older you realize fewer and fewer things matter at all.

Sure -

When negotiating for a new car - compromise may cause you to pay a few extra bucks and the lack of it may cause you to not get the car you love.

When negotiating for a hostages life - you can’t split the difference between life and death… so maybe you end up splitting the difference on the ransom, and you start with a mindset of not doing so…

Who knows…

Almost everything I think about brings me back to this quote I love so much from Julio Olalla…

“Wisdom is a love affair with questions. Knowledge is a love affair with answers… “ and the sentiment that the right questions never change and the right answers often do…

Only you can know what situations in your life benefit from compromise (I would argue it’s the vast majority, but that is more a statement on my approach and philosophy to life and harmony than anything else).

Only you can know what matters so much to you that compromise would be weak or stupid. (And, I would tell you to be selective about where to apply this approach).

People want to take sides - because our brains are lazy - and they want default answers.

People like clear answers - because their egos want to dance to the tune of “I’m right”…

And it leaves us with two choices…

enjoy the beauty and brilliance of the granularity and complexity of life,

or pick a side and be right maybe half the time…

All of my most meaningful life experiences and business successes have come from compromise.

And, would not compromising have made them impossible or even greater?

Is compromise powerful or weak?

Is compromise brilliant or stupid?

and, most importantly,

What is the situation you are facing? What is the decision that you are making?

What are the consequences to your life of your conclusions or actions?

What are the consequences to others?

Do you have to decide right now? What choices do you have?

What matters most?

There is wisdom…

I choose to enjoy the beauty and the brilliance in the granularity and complexity of life…

in harmony,

Nestor

Reflecting...

I apologize in advance for this one ;-) Happy New Year!

REFLECTING…

I hope you’ve taken some time to reflect…

I don’t make a lot of time for it, but the little bits of time I find are always so very fruitful… and satisfying.

Kind-of…

I am 52 years old (almost 53) and I amaze myself as I observe myself “reflecting”…

You’d think I’d get better at it over time.

And, truth is – I really have… and, I have so far to go!

One of the first things I notice about my reflection is how quickly I can recall the things I didn’t accomplish last year…

How quickly my mind goes to the things I failed to deliver against… the areas where I am not as good.

The question, “What are you proud of from the past year?” often stumps me…

Could it be because I did nothing worth taking pride in?

Or, could it be that the positive things don’t register in my mind?

That somehow I see them as externally enabled by other people or the forces of the universe…

Yet, everything I considered and didn’t achieve is on top of mind memory.

I amuse myself with the observation, and at the same time, I am seeing over time how it affects those around me…

I have often said that I am most critical of those I am closest to – because by “proximity” I apply the same rigorous critical mindset to them – that I do to myself…

But, I must consider two things…

1.       Most people don’t subject themselves to the constant barrage of objective, candid ‘constructive’ feedback that I administer to myself… So, it’s hard to digest.

2.       And, most importantly, I don’t care how well I may do it… NONE of us want critical feedback from anyone else… I know we say we do, and rationally we even think we do… but, we don’t.  We want to solve it for ourselves…

The ONLY people we accept critical feedback from openly and constructively – are people that do a superb job of filling our hearts with positivity as well… And, few people do that.

I noticed, particularly this past year, how much I hurt people around me that I care about deeply… Even though my words are often balanced, honest and thoughtful… I think those closest to me FEEL my criticality, and it’s only human to take it personally…

I take pride in being honest with people… and yet, so very often I am given the feedback that I am too lenient, too tolerant, too understanding…

How can those two things be true at the same time…

How can I be too tolerant and understanding and too critical at the same time?

Tolerance and understanding – to me is acceptance of the “IS” of who I am, who people are… I see people, I have tremendous empathy for whatever situation they may be going through…  And, I think that makes me very tolerant and understanding…

And, I also know what the business needs – and so my feedback is often given from the perspective of the WANT (or at times the WISH)… of what is needed…

I think I hurt people, without meaning to, because they KNOW I see them… they can feel it…

And, because they also KNOW what is needed by the business… they get it…

So – I’m empathetic, honest and critical and demanding… and, that is hard to accept.

It’s easy to deflect feedback from someone who doesn’t get it or doesn’t see you.

Someone who is unreasonable – we deflect because they are unreasonable.

Someone who doesn’t see us – we deflect because they don’t see us…

But, someone who sees us, is reasonable, and speaks to the gap… that hurts…

And, it hurts only because we shift to disharmony… We wish we didn’t let people down, we WISH the gap wasn’t there… we WISH we were better, faster, smarter, already there… and when we feel disharmony with someone we respect… it’s hard… because I can’t deflect the truth…

I’m not suggesting that I am gifted in any specific way – I truly am simply exploring…

Reflecting – on how to show up and be honest, be demanding, be empathetic in a way that is less painful…

With others…

And, with myself.

Part of the reason I find it hard to be me is because I know what I am capable of…

And, I know what I actually do… and the gap truthful honest gap hurts…

It hurts to admit it…

I have little compassion for myself – for my short-comings…

That is not the case with others… I have real, deep and extensive compassion, but somehow that doesn’t show up, or probably more appropriately – that doesn’t register with people because the gap always hurts too much to acknowledge the praise…

Or maybe, it’s people that are more “like” me than others – that I end up being closer to – and they are also tired of the voices inside their heads…

People read my posts, my conversations, or my comments and very often say “Don’t be so hard on yourself”… but in my mind, I’m thinking – facts are facts… I’m not being overly hard or overly soft…

I’m just being real…

I have great potential…

And, every notch below great in any aspect of my life is an opportunity that I too often register as a disappointment…

I don’t know where I am going with this… other than trying to understand it… because it happens too often for me to ignore…

I love the people closest to me – and I appreciate them so very, very much… for all that they are and all that they bring…

I want to be great, because I think I have that capacity…

I want them to be great, because I know they already are…

And, somehow I see it as my job / my role to push them, help them see themselves as great… because it’s true…

But, the message get’s lost too often…

I am working on it…

Perhaps, my error is in thinking that it is my job or my role to help people be great… Maybe that’s their job.  And, my job is more to help them see how great they already are…  but, people say I’m already too understating…

Maybe it’s the difference between WANTING people to be as great as I know they can be – HARMONY

And, in turn, they WISHING they could already be there so as not to let anyone down – DISHARMONY…

 I hope this conversation didn’t make you as dizzy as it made me…

It’s 2020 – anything is possible.  I want to be a force for harmony.

Perhaps, if I figure it out for myself first, then maybe I can do it for others.  Because, I hear my voice inside my own head… and I am a major PIA…

I do apologize…

I don’t mean it that way…

And, reflecting, is the only way to hopefully understand it enough to slowly but surely overcome it…

In harmony (I think),

Nestor

ALLOW YOURSELF TO DREAM

Do you allow yourself to dream?

Because dreaming is breathing...

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Dreams are scary

Because they make failure seem possible...

At times, seem inevitable...

What if I can’t?

What if I don’t?

Have the time..

. ... the courage

... the intellect

…the strength...

To bring my dreams to life?

Do you allow yourself to dream?

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Is it dreaming that scares me?

Or, the possibility of living without them?

Do you ever wonder...

Did your mother dream?

Do you ever consider...

Would you be here if she didn’t?

Allow yourself to dream...

Because dreams are how we see tomorrow!

Dreams are why tomorrow matters...

Dreams are why we can not fall asleep...

Sometimes my days fade into nights,

And then my dreams fade into days!

I can’t tell sometimes

Where my dreams end

And my today begins...

Allow yourself to see

What dreams may show to you...

Allow yourself to feel

What dreams may inspire in you...

Memories of dreams

simply become memories...

Allow yourself to dream...

Is life a tragedy that ends in death?

Or, is life beauty that dreams make real?

Can you stop yourself from dreaming?

Or is pretending not to dream Just a story we like to tell?

Dreams are how we see tomorrow...

And, why tomorrow matters...

Dreaming is breathing

Breathing is living...

Are you afraid?

I am.

At least a little...

Allow yourself to dream

And, as your day fades into night...

Allow yourself to

breathe,

And watch

your dreams

come in

to

day...

In harmony,

Nestor

Empathy vs Sympathy...

One of the concepts discussed in the book - that puts into words a most powerful concept that I have understood for a long time, but not communicated clearly…

Most people when they hear something they disagree with… CONFRONT, IGNORE or in some way demonstrate they fundamentally REJECT.

This creates an immediate adverse reaction in the “adversary” or counterpart and typically creates tense discussion with no understanding, compromise or engaged agreement.

It can be subtle… and it happens on simple trivial matters and certainly on significant more meaningful topics… (think politics).

But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

EMPATHY is the answer. Empathy meaning simply taking the time to understand and acknowledge the other person’s position.

Taking a moment to respectfully acknowledge the other person’s opinion goes thousands of miles toward creating an environment where compromise, collaboration and agreement is possible…

The book describes the difference between empathy and sympathy - being that sympathy adds some level of “agreement” to simply the understanding and acknowledgement of empathy.

I think life happens in shades of grey… where does understanding “end” and “agreement” begin? I don’t see that as a single point, as most topics worth worrying about - have multiple dimensions that can be agreed to or disagreed to…

Think about abortion as a politically loaded topic… there are situations of violent rape, non-violent rape, sick fetuses, etc. If you think about Trump, there is the economic policy nationally, internationally, there is climate, there are social issues - and there are dimensions of his approach, his communication approach, his integrity, his non-political / non-government affairs… It’s all complicated…

Because we have an inherent desire and need to be seen, respected - if we fail to have empathy for one another - in ANY conversation, discussion or situation - we fail to create the environment for agreement, because instead of working hard to find the common ground or the go forward ground, we spend all of our energy working to be understood on the most basic or simple level…

Not sure if this makes sense to you, but the concept is powerful.

The truth that EMPATHY can exist without agreement. EMPATHY can exist with disagreement. But, mutual agreement and a collaborative decision to move forward cannot exist without EMPATHY…

Too often people refuse to empathize with people/decisions they disagree with - and it makes human interaction more negative, confrontational and disfunctional…

And, I would argue - the optimal condition is not just empathy, but finding components of positions to sympathize with… to show a willingness not just to understand and respect, but to find components to share, to agree within the dimensions of a conversation / negotiation…

Each small micro understanding and agreement is a brick laid on the structure of compromise and convergence…

I am not doing it justice…

Unless you read beyond my words and dig into experiences you know you’ve had…

There is power in subtlety - but even more in empathy…

in harmony,

Nestor

Never Split The Difference?

Are you wondering why I don’t write as much as I used to?

I know I do.

I think in large part, it’s because the thought of harmony is deeper in my soul, in my behavior, my who I am than it has ever been.  And so, I think of it less “consciously” than I once did.  It’s become more natural and automatic.

But I still love writing… because it makes my thoughts clearer, and as a result it makes my peace greater…

And I still love sharing… because while I know that many consider my thoughts redundant or obvious, you know that the concepts of human harmony are subtle, powerful, and so desperately needed in our hearts and in the world.

So, I’m glad you are here…

And, I’m grateful you are reading this.

I am reading a book that I HIGHLY recommend called,
“Never Split The Difference:  Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It” by Chris Voss

It was recommended by a very dear friend…

I had been told about the book multiple times and just didn’t pull the trigger on buying it because…

My whole life is about SPLITTING the DIFFERENCE…

I am all about avoiding the approaches of 1’s and 0’s and playing in the space of compromise and collaboration to move my world and my heart forward.

But, on my friend’s persistence I bought it.

Wow, wow, wow… PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE buy it.  It is, like so many books, ALL about HARMONY!

It’s difficult to convey a book in a short conversation.  Heck – It’s impossible.

The book is written by an ex-FBI negotiator, now negotiation professor, and includes many stories of difficult, life altering negotiations that he was a part of… and those are crazy fascinating and interesting to me…

BUT, the reason it’s so powerful is because of what  makes negotiation effective, and his insights and tools and observations about human communication and emotion…

I will give you a few delicious morsels…

“Assumptions blind, Hypothesis Guide”… LOVE THAT SIMPLE THOUGHT…

“Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication.  Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out the window.”  IMPORTANTLY, I think this applies not just to conversations between people – but to conversations we have with ourselves!

“Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings…”

 “Every one of us has an inherent, human need to be understood, to connect with the person across the table”

He talks about the layering of fear on fears and the need to peel those back to get to someone’s truth…  “tactical empathy” being the ability, the discipline, the behavior to develop so that you can dig deeper into the IS…

I could copy the whole book on this conversation.

I want to…

Because when I read his thoughts in words – they are HARMONY…  And, I truly VISCERALLY feel the need that we, as human beings, have for this awareness & understanding. 

In my heart I know with complete certainty that developing, sharing, expanding on these thoughts IS exactly what the world needs more of… and that it’s a never ending need, as the awareness of it, the pursuit of it, the competence in it, the application of it… IS the glue that holds human kind together in all of it’s diversity moving in a singular direction… in HARMONY!

This whole book, like so many great ones, explain the detail and the subtlety in some specific competence of harmony.

“Negotiation” essentially is what happens in EVERY moment…

We negotiate between our WISH and our WANT…

And, we can’t do that well without understanding the “IS”…

99.999% of “Negotiation” in life is digging deeper into the “IS” of the moment – the TRUTH of it… and the clearer we understand the TRUTH… not just from our perspective, when dealing with others, but from THEIR perspective… is the level to which we can move forward toward our WANT…

It fascinates me that the overall structure of great negotiation to get armed bank robbers out of a bank, or armed gang members out of an apartment… without killing anyone…

Is the exact same as the structure of achieving harmony in a given moment…

Understand the is – by understanding, neutralizing the negative, emphasizing the positive, from all sides…  and subtlety in language, in how you ask the questions is fundamental in our ability to do it well… it’s a competency developed slowly over a lifetime… IF you are working on it.

Then you can define the options – The WANTS – and select one…

I don’t write as often as I once did, not because Harmony is any less important, but because it’s so omni-present in my mind, that I struggle with where to start and how to summarize it’s structure and power.

There are ones and zeros in life – if you get granular enough… there are no absolutes in the complexity of our souls and our complex world… I know this contradicts itself – but in my mind the contradiction is so very true and real…

I still don’t know yet (not fully done with the book) why it’s titled “never split the difference”, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that you can’t split the difference between life and death…

…

Just like you can’t split the difference

Between

Harmony

And

Disharmony…

How are your negotiation skills?

In harmony,

Nestor

National Gratefulist Day (from 2014)...

When I wrote this in 2014, my father was very much alive, my mother could still talk, my boys were all still living at home… and I was still chasing what I thought was my professional dream…

5 years have passed… my father is no longer a part of our physical world, my mother rarely speaks a word, two of my three boys are now living in college in other cities, my wife and I, married for nearly 27 years, are closer than ever before, I turned 50 and my company became part of a multi-billion dollar global company… and I realize I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…

Time comes with sadness, with challenges, with celebrations, with joy, and most importantly with lessons… be awake for the lessons…

Life moves fast…

I remain an ever loyal “Gratefulist” and I am convinced that is at the heart of my growth, peace & joy… and the struggle never goes away, it just evolves… And, I am grateful for the struggle as well!

FROM 2014

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving…  Self Proclaimed "National Gratefulist Day"

I LOVE Thanksgiving.

I don’t know why…

Maybe, its because I get to spend a few days with my family?             

Maybe, its because we get to spend a few days with our extended family whom we see only a few times a year, and whom we love and enjoy?

Maybe, its because I get to pause and catch up and reflect on the year that has past?

Maybe, its because I get to plan for the final 4 weeks of the year and make sure I prioritize appropriately?

Maybe, its because we get to celebrate together and there is no pressure to buy thoughtful presents?

Maybe, its simply because I get to think about all of the things that I am grateful for…?

I wrote a while ago about the concept of being a “gratefulist”.  I think that is the best kind of person to be.  It’s not an optimist, someone who believes things will work out for the best.  It’s not a pessimist, someone who believes things will work out for the worst.  It’s not being a realist, someone who believes things will be what they will be.

A “gratefulist” is someone who is grateful for what is… whatever that may be. 

A “gratefulist” is someone who realizes there is always something in our reality, in our current situation, for which to be grateful.

A “gratefulist” is someone who knows that sometimes things will go well, and sometimes they wont, and regardless, there are things for which to be grateful.

Tomorrow is OUR day, my fellow gratefulists.  Tomorrow, the world joins with us, to say THANK YOU!

I am thankful for so many things… so very deeply grateful… everyday…

For my ability to walk,

For my ability to breathe,

For my great fortune of being healthy,

For my great fortune of living in the United States,

For my great fortune of being intelligent enough to know what I need to learn,

For the amazing gift of freedom,

For the amazing power of reason,

For the endless love of my sons,

For the uncompromised loyalty of my wife,

For the gracious love of my friends,

For the wonderful dedication of my colleagues,

For the unlimited opportunity of my work,

And FOR YOU! 

For the people who see some value in my passion…

For the now HUNDREDS of people who choose to take a moment from their day

To

CONSIDER

the

possibility

of

HARMONY.

For YOU and

For the fact that because of you, and others like you,

I write a little bit more often,

I understand harmony a little bit better,

I live clearer, happier, more purposeful, more deliberate, and I hope, more impactfully.

I used to want to change the world… now, I am so very comfortable and patient with the with the goal of changing a single moment for a single person…

Because of YOU…

I write more…

And, I am thankful…

FOR YOU!

Because,

I love to write.

I love to share.

But, I don’t want to impose.

And, YOU  have “subscribed” to follow this conversation,

YOU fuel my fire. 

You FAN MY FLAME!

You AMPLIFY MY HARMONY and as a result, hopefully, others' harmony as well!

I remain your devout gratefulist.

Join the revolution!

Celebrate Thanksgiving Everyday!  Gratitude is the seed of all happiness.  It is happens when you acknowledge, accept, and APPRECIATE the truth of your moments… as the launching pad for many more.

Yours in giving THANKS and harmony,

Nestor

Holding Space

I suspect, like me, you have recently been hearing the words

“holding space”

More often in the past year…

If not, people speak to it as part of a more mindful and thoughtful way to communicate…

I love the idea of it… and the thought of it.

But, I was not exactly sure why, or what it specifically meant…

So, I looked up the definition…

One definition I found from Connor Beacon,

“Holding space is the process of witnessing and validating someone else’s emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.”

Some call it communication without ego,

Some speak to it as communication without judgement,

Some speak to it as meeting someone where they are,

Or joining someone on their journey.

I love that it’s a concept that is still being defined by many,

While still being used more and more broadly because it captures so beautifully

A powerful concept about human connection and communication.

I love the concept and am trying to be more “aware” of it in all forms…

I believe the concept is true even with our relationship with ourselves.

I don’t know that I have a definition for it – but I certainly have a visual & conceptual understanding of it in my mind.

When I am “Holding Space”…

Time slows down, because holding space requires eliminating the external time pressures and urgencies often artificially placed on a moment by our ego or our distracted mind…

Awareness of you, “you” meaning whoever the space is being held for, even if it’s myself, or a group… because I am aware of the space between us… where my truth and your truth would collide, where it not for a deliberate “space” to allow one or the other to be seen on its own…

Presence… Focus… When I am conscious of holding space, I step into that space, and somehow it quiets down the outside world… and possibly the voices in my mind trying to influence my understanding of your truth…

Reduces Expectations… So many of our struggles or challenges come from having expectations of each other.  And, often judgement and expectations collide, creating a communication where my mind is so full of gaps and deficiencies… But, when I hold space, it means having no expectations in that space… using that space to simply be present to experience you… to hear you…

Respect… When I am conscious of holding space, I am holding it for you – so I am respecting, accepting, witnessing your truth in whatever form you are able to share it… And, to me the ultimate respect is to see you exactly as you are…

Holding space is

Making time,

Reserving judgement,

Being Present,

Not just listening… but co-existing in a moment…

Holding space is both creating a buffer between the world, time and this specific moment…

And, it is also creating a protected place to meet in truth, in joy and in love…

Holding Space is the necessary step to being able to move our understanding of each other beyond…

To reach whatever next level of connection we dream about… to simply progress where we are…

It’s on the other side of that space… of that moment.

And, the “space” itself is where true beauty sits… true love and understanding and joy and peace… it’s in those moments where the external world, judgement, expectations falls away…

As we head into Thanksgiving week, I encourage you to really spend a little time with these words, with this concept of “holding space”…

How can you use them to make this the most joyful and gracious Thanksgiving ever?

Can you have moments where you hold space for yourself?  For each of your children? For a dear friend?  For your group of friends or family?

I think holding space for others is possibly the ultimate gift you could give anyone…

HOLDING SPACE, for those of you who understand and appreciate the concept of harmony, is a way to see the “IS” more completely, more clearly, more compassionately, the “absolute truth” of the moment…

And, harmony happens in each moment by embracing the IS and then moving that moment toward the WANT…

As I write this…

And “There Goes My Hero” plays in the background”…

I am all in and all here,

lost in these words

virtually looking each of you in the eyes

Feeling your truth

Grateful for your unique and amazing presence in my life

Life is simple

And beautiful…

Happy Thanksgiving Week!

Hold space…

In harmony,

Nestor

What if...

What if I’m nothing

but a vessel…

Because I so very often feel like nothing.

What if I am nothing

but a conduit…

between the wish and the want,

between living in the now and in the then…

What if I’m nothing

but desire -

for better,

for intimacy,

for joy,

for acknowledgment…

What if I’m nothing

but an observer…

noticing our struggle,

our quest

and our victory…

What if I’m nothing

but truth,

fighting to be seen,

to connect,

to engage…

What if I’m nothing

and

you are nothing…

but together

we see each other,

acknowledge each other,

promote each other,

love each other…

Wouldn’t that be something? ;-)

What if I am nothing…

without you,

without us…

What if I am nothing

but a vessel,

channeling life…

in harmony,

Nestor

Kim McMillen & Charlie Chaplin

I don’t often publish other’s writings on ‘harmony’… but occasionally I read something and am absolutely compelled to share it. I don’t know much about Charlie Chaplin, but I am sure he was a wise and wonderful man…

This is the poem he shared at his 70th birthday from Kim McMillan…

« As I began to love myself
I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living
against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is Authenticity.

As I began to love myself
I understood how much it can offend somebody
if I try to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time was not right
and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I call this Respect.

As I began to love myself
I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything
that surrounded me
was inviting me to grow.
Today I call this Maturity.

As I began to love myself
I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time,
and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call this Self-Confidence.

As I began to love myself
I quit stealing my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects
for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,
things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,
and I do them in my own way
and in my own rhythm.
Today I call this Simplicity.

As I began to love myself
I freed myself of anything
that is no good for my health –
food, people, things, situations,
and everything that drew me down
and away from myself.
At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is Love of Oneself.

As I began to love myself
I quit trying to always be right,
and ever since
I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is Modesty.

As I began to love myself
I refused to go on living in the past
and worrying about the future.
Now, I only live for the moment,
where everything is happening.
Today I live each day,
day by day,
and I call it Fulfillment.

As I began to love myself
I recognized
that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick.
But as I connected it to my heart,
my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.

We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide,
and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.
Today I know: This is Life! »

Kim McMillen

As I began to love myself,

I began to appreciate my own insignifcance.

I acknowledged the insatiable appetite of my own ego

and the abundance of love in my own heart.

I live in the now, stay away from wishing and

focus on acting on my moments in the direction of my want.

Today, I call this Harmony!

In it,

Nestor

Languages of Struggle / Levels of Insecurity

I haven’t forgotten about you…

I know I owe you some perspective on the “language of struggle”,

And the truth is, I’m struggling with it.

Not because I don’t know how to do it – but more because I’ve never actually put it into a clear structure or simply words…

I bounce around between intelligent tactical suggestions such as:

-          Always use a person’s name on an email…

-          Don’t make the first response after receiving something an additional demand or question without acknowledging the received content…

-          Ask don’t Demand

-          Make It Personal… If you know something meaningful / difficult is going on in someone’s life, include that briefly but thoughtfully in the dialogue / message…

And, more comprehensive and higher level suggestions such as:

-          Put the other person first…

-          Seek to understand … ask questions…

I think about whether the “language of struggle” that I want to share is specific to parenting, marriage, work or just in general… because the details of how each is different is relevant.

I think about whether there is any language other than the “language of struggle”…

It’s a big conversation to take on…

And, I will attempt to do it piece by piece.

If we assume that human beings are always in some level of “struggle”,

And we assume that human beings are always a part of our conversations,

Then I would conclude that in EVERY conversation an awareness of ‘struggle’ is relevant…

And, more specifically, being thoughtful about the discussion (what you are discussing, how you are discussing it) is fundamental and relevant ALWAYS…

Maybe that’s the FIRST conclusion we can draw…

Being mindful of people’s individual struggle should always be present when we are in conversation.

And, each person is different.

Just like there is the book, “The 5 Love Languages”  (Great book – definitely buy it and read it)  (NOTE: I just found out there is another book called “The 5 Apologies” or something like that by the same author that is also supposed to be fantastic).

People vary in the level of their insecurity.  And, the greater their insecurity the more mindful you have to be in the conversation.  I would define “insecurity” as one’s own personal level of “am I enough” or “am I worthy”…

While everyone is truly unique, and understanding how they are unique is important in our communication style… to keep it simple, I will break insecurity down into 5 buckets… 

As with all that I discuss – we exist in the “moment” and we are also have behaviors and values that define us for “periods” (periods are a bunch of moments from days to years to decades)…

We can, as human beings, demonstrate different levels of insecurity in each moment… depending on situation, whom we are communicating with, how much stress / distraction we have in our minds, how we are feeling physically, how the business is going, the last time we felt connection… etc., etc…  It’s complicated – and I can put myself and everyone I know into one of these categories if I am forced to… and feel fairly ok with it.

BUT – REMEMBER – EVEN IF WE ARE IN ONE CATEGORY… we may show up very differently at any given moment…

1.       DYSFUNCTIONALLY INSECURE…  I would call this EMOTIONALLY LED insecurity…  This is someone who thinks very little of themselves.  Very often this is someone that has been told often, typically growing up and often continued by a spouse or by colleagues that they are not enough, not smart… etc.  They tend to have a very negative inner voice.   Their inner voice tells them, “You don’t belong here” and they believe it and try to hide that truth from the world.  And, their sense (lack) of self-worth affects most of what they do… They very often act in ways to “fill their heart” or “escape from the situation”.  The dysfunctionality shows up as an unwillingness to take accountability for their work.  They blame other people.  They deflect truth.  They hate specifics.  They get very defensive sometimes, or they immediately retreat into sadness and tears (fight or flight).  They take NO blame or they take ALL blame.  They are focused on blame.  They read more into everything than is intended.  They already know what everybody thinks – and nobody things highly of them.  Very occasionally, these people are amazing employees as they channel every ounce of their energy to surviving by adding value… they work relentlessly and often make amazing contributions… but they are always a single thought or word from feeling horribly…

2.       FUNCTIONALLY INSECURE… I would call this RATIONALLY LED insecurity… This is someone who thinks of themselves as “not as good” as others in many or most or all aspects.  Their inner voice tells them “You are not as good as others”, but they only partially listen.  And, their inner voice tells them “and, I can improve”.   But, unlike the “dysfunctional insecurity” they navigate their way through the internal conversation to “no one is perfect” and “I can improve myself”…  This person can work with everyone, but enjoys working with people who are gracious and considerate so very much more.  And, if you bring someone who is enough of a bully – it will rattle this person and occasionally make them dysfunctional.  These people take accountability for their mistakes, but take their mistakes very personally.  They take more than their fair share of responsibility as part of their overcompensation for their insecurity.  These people typically don’t hold others particularly accountable – or to do so requires a lot of energy.  These folks ask a lot of questions, which is good, but sometimes fail to provide their own personal opinion. You have to ask these folks for their thoughts … you have to encourage them to engage in a dialogue with multiple people.  These folks tend to be easy to work with – they are willing to take feedback though it often affects them more than they let on…

3.       AVERAGE – you get the idea… it’s really a blend of functional… normal… Most of the time they are probably showing up as functionally secure or insecure – they just bounce more between the two then the others.  They are rational – good to work with and for… but they don’t often change the world in big ways because they are always hedging their risks and not bold enough to go far out on a ledge to prove a point or concept…

4.       FUNCTIONALLY SECURE… Again, secure is funny because it’s doesn’t mean free from struggle… These folks are confident, but they manage and navigate their confidence with rationality.  They know they are not perfect… far from it.  But they feel comfortable “in their own skin”, with their “place in the universe”.  Their inner voice tells them “you are worthy but you are not perfect” and “you can be better”.  These folks have often had hardships but have developed a “healthy” relationship with their history.  They don’t take their successes or failures particularly personally.  They ask some questions, but have a pretty good sense of what they want to do.  When they know what they want, they seldom ask questions.  They want to be efficient.  They don’t want to waste time.  They take accountability for their actions and have no problem holding others accountable for theirs.  They tend to speak more than their share in a group, and are often entertaining and outgoing.  These folks are not as easy to work with as the average or functionally insecure… but they are good to work for as they are ready to give advice and show you the way…

5.       DYSFUNCTIONALLY SECURE…  Secure is a funny word because we said at the onset of this conversation that everyone struggles… so “secure” people struggle.  They just pretend really hard that they don’t.  To me, our current president is a good example of confidence to the point of dysfunctionality.  This is someone whose inner voice is so strong and has so overcompensated to feel no insecurity that they know everything… No one is smarter than they are…  Their inner voice says, “The world is lucky to have you”… and anyone who suggests otherwise is their enemy and must be “destroyed” literally or figuratively.  While they may not believe that deep down inside, and they will rationally tell you that they don’t… they lead their confidence with emotion not reason.  They don’t ask questions.  They have a ridiculously strong confirmation bias… They find the facts that support their positions, and discount / disregard others.  They have no empathy.  They take no responsibility or accountability for anything that goes less than perfect.  They tend to take all of the credit when things go well.  They are very defensive if challenged, like to have all the power, and are often bullying in their approach.  While it doesn’t matter what you say, because they aren’t listening that much, they love praise… they still love confirmation or affirmation that they are worthy… These folks are very much “you are with me or against me”…

Wow – I’m exhausted 😉  It is interesting…  I could write on this forever… The dynamics between communication between different people with different security levels is something interesting to explore…

I was thinking where am I on this spectrum?  And, where would others put me?

I would put myself as somewhere between Functionally Insecure and Average, but I know many people would put me at functionally secure… And, I certainly have many moments in that space.

Digest this for a while…

The “language of struggle” to me is simply “effective communication”… I believe we all struggle.  And, I believe effective communication requires connection, and connection truly requires us to put others first, without losing ourselves in the process.  And, putting others first – being thoughtful to others, requires understanding others and where they are… “You need to meet people where they are…”

I observe exchanges ALL the time… and I am fascinated by them… because they are so mundane and yet SO critical and pivotal in all that we do.

The biggest mistakes I see people make are:

-          Trying too hard to be understood… to share their point… and failing to allow the other person to be seen, heard or be given the opportunity to share their point.  Until someone knows you see them, you respect them, they really don’t care what your point is…

-          Failing to appreciate and understand what type of person you are communicating / connecting with – and failing to adopt a style that they are able to hear.   If you talk to everyone the same, you will only be effective with those who respond to your style.  You are missing out on communicating with so many people.  The burden of connection is on them.

-          They don’t take responsibility for the dialogue… “If they don’t get it, it’s on them… I said what I had to say”… “I  don’t want to try that hard.”  They are lazy or unaware / ignorant as to what makes effective communication.

To communicate and connect successfully with others – I put the burden of connection on ME… I need to understand who they are, how they are, what they fear, what they seek… because then I can speak to them in a way that fills their heart, their mind or their soul in a way that they want to be filled…

I am not suggesting I do this well… I am suggesting that I am more curious and thoughtful about these things and I try to consider them in every conversation… and “I am so very far from perfect” that I often fail, and my ego takes over…

Ah, the “ego”… we’ll have to explore how that plays into all of these levels of insecurity…

More to come…

A language of struggle is a language with empathy… a language with rationality… it’s putting others first in every detail of the conversation enough to create a connection to let the ideas flow free, fruitfully and joyfully…

I realize “I can improve”…

In harmony,

Nestor

Powerful…

I heard a quote yesterday that I want to explore with you…. It is so very powerful…

I will leave it with you today to sit with it and consider it…

then we can discuss…

”We teach what we need to learn, and we create what we need to heal.”

unknown

its a powerful absolute truth

does it apply to you?

to what you are passionate about?

to who you are?

how does hearing those words change your understanding of why you do what you do?

think about it…

in harmony,

Nestor

Mr. Struggle...

Ok, so here I am again.

I know I promised to write about the language, but I feel the need to step back just a little and give all of this a little context.

I need to share that when I write the word “struggle”, it gives me an ill feeling.

On the one hand, I don’t like the word, the concept… in fact I hate it.

So, it causes me pause.

“Why does it make me a little ill?”

As I think about it, it’s because my ego jumps in and says to me, “You should be stronger than that… only weak people struggle”.

And yet, when I think about being labeled kindly by folks, “Mr. Positive”, “Mr. Culture” or “Mr. Gratitude” which has happened to me in the past, those feel so inaccurate to me.  Maybe not “inaccurate” but certainly “incomplete”.

When I think about being known as “Mr. Struggle” – that one feels like a jacket I could wear.  That one feels appropriate… it feels real.

The very important distinction I want to make is there is a difference between “struggling” to find your path, purpose, self, joy versus “being a victim” in your life.  And, I think people sometimes relate very quickly, in fact sometimes immediately, people who speak of “struggle” with people who live as “victims”.

To me – they are as different as light and dark…

Webster defines the “verb” of struggle as;

1: to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition

2: to proceed with difficulty or with great effort

And, again I notice a little ill feeling…

I don’t want to make life more “difficult” than it is.  I like that struggle can be a verb.  Another dictionary calls it “forceful effort to get free of restraint”.

I stand tall at the thought of being, Mr. Struggle…

Because it’s honest.

Because it’s every man.

Because it’s ACTION not result.

Mr. Positive defines more the destination of many of my moments, not the journey of most.

Mr. Struggle is where I live… it’s who I am.

NOT a victim, in any way.  Being a victim is one of many ways to engage with “struggle”… It’s not the way I choose often, and deliberately, never.

Being a victim, to me in this context, is the same as laying blame… pointless, powerless, wasteful. 

NOT IT!

Why do I love this topic… ?

Because I want to be better, and I want to help make others better, and some version of struggle is how we get there.

I don’t want to just be iteratively better… I want to be discontinuously better… because I know I have the power and the blessings to be… to feel… to contribute in amazing ways…

And, every moment that I don’t… it bothers me.

And, it pisses me off that I AM my greatest opposing force. 

Dealing with struggle is, in largest part, dealing with our own internal voice of “not enough”…

I believe in growth.

I want to grow FORCEFULLY & deliberately.

And, the headwind, the opposition, the “difficulty” is me… my own willingness or lack thereof to make the changes I need to make in my behavior, in my choices, in my life to get to the next version of me…

The first of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism is

Dhukka – the fundamental pain and suffering of our mundane life.

Suffering or Struggle is life…

When do we stop “struggling”?

I would argue we stop struggling, when we give up.  And, I suck at giving up.

But, I see giving up in two ways…

Giving Up meaning no longer attempting to reach the next level and version of ourselves.

Or

Giving Up meaning truly and deeply giving up on our own ego… refusing to listen to the voice that stands in our way… some call it “enlightenment”.

Who do you know that achieves without struggle?

The few examples I have seen are people who are pursuing a higher calling.  People who have devoted themselves to a higher cause.  People who truly navigate in the interest of others, and in gratitude.

Maybe they are unicorns 😉  But, they exist.

And, it’s a version of myself that I aspire to… and while it feels closer than it has when I was younger, it still feels far away.

So, I am no unicorn.

I am every man.  Or, at least most men.

Admitting to struggle scares me a tiny bit, but emboldens me…

Not only because it feels so real,

But also because it feels so relevant, so necessary, so powerful!

Struggling means never giving up…

Against the force of our own ego, of the voices in our head…

And forcefully toward our dreams…

Struggle means desire… it means passion… it means WANT…

Victims fail to acknowledge their own power.

It is my own awareness of my own power and potential to do good that fuels my struggle.

It is the hope, the possibility, the eventuality of breaking through the opposition of myself, by dominating and reducing my own ego

That fuels my struggle.

And, it is my awareness of struggle that makes me inpatient and angry at times…

But it is also my awareness of struggle that makes me ever patient, present, caring, compassionate, generous, relatable, loving and true…

Struggle can be experienced with powerlessness & victimization… but that is struggle in WISH form…

By definition it means “forceful effort to get free from restraint”…

Struggle means

hope

fight

power…

struggle is forceful WANT,

struggle is never giving up…

And, to talk about it… connects us and amplifies our strength

In harmony,

Nestor

P.S.  I will get to the language of struggle… I promise.  Thanks for staying in the conversation.

The Language of Struggle

I love to write, especially early in the morning.

My mind is clear, and my heart is full.

As the day goes on, my mind starts to ping between all of the different puzzles that I am trying to solve.

I become less focused, less patient, less clear as I make my way through the day, and the “noise” of life fills my soul… until sleep restores my clarity.

I wrote about “I struggle… a lot” a few weeks ago, and heard back from many of you.

“Struggle”, I am convinced, is a universal language that we all speak.

At least those of us honest enough to acknowledge it.

It is a topic for which I have a tremendous amount of passion and curiosity.

It is a topic that I know intimately well –

because I dance with it, fight with it, navigate it, empathize with it…

daily…

“Struggle” is absolutely fundamental feeling to understand in our search for a life of joy

because it fits in what I am now calling, “the critical path of the human journey” 😉

I believe at our core we seek to feel “worthy” of the space we take up in the universe.

In order to feel “worthy”, we need to be “seen” / appreciated / acknowledged.

(Ultimately, we need to appreciate and acknowledge ourselves, but for most of our journey, we rely on other people to give us that sense of acknowledgement.)

In order to be “seen”, or to see ourselves, we must allow ourselves to “connect”.

(Because, even when people attempt to acknowledge us, if we do not accept a connection from them, we don’t register the praise… we don’t internalize being “seen”).

AND, in order to truly and deliberately “connect” we must overcome our “struggle”, if only for a moment.

Did you get all that?

I’m feeding you pearls here 😉  (One of my favorite lines from Scent of a Woman)…

Seriously… understanding the “critical path to the human journey”… the path to the heart is SO very important.  Let me say it another way…

We must overcome and make sense of our own struggle,

So that we may authentically and meaningfully connect with other human beings,

So that we can accept and own being “seen” by those we love and respect,

So that we can someday “see” ourselves…

And make peace with the fact that we are so very “worthy” of every moment we live…

By the mere fact that we are born, we are worthy of life.

And yet, we spend most of our lives trying to confirm that which was given to us by the universe by the very nature of our birth.

But, you don’t think it’s that easy.

You need others to tell you, to “see” you,

So that you can breathe deep

In joy…

I was going to write today about the “language of struggle”…

I was going to write about the delicate, subtle awareness that is required to speak it…

And, I will write about that tomorrow.

For now,

Let’s just let the critical path sink in…

Do you agree?

The ultimate bliss… nirvana… is to be certain of our worthiness and to share ourselves freely and effortlessly with the world…

STRUGGLE – CONNECT – BE SEEN – FEEL WORTHY…

It is a critical path that happens through a lifetime,

Through relationships,

Through careers, roles, challenges…

AND, in each and every moment…

It’s crazy I know…

But, in any moment you can travel all the way through,

And I would argue in every moment that is exactly what we seek…

We can achieve it and lose it in seconds…

At the whim of a funky tone, a misspoken word, a funny look, an extended pause, an inner voice…

We lose our footing and want it back again…

Do you speak the language?

Let’s have a conversation…

In harmony,

Nestor

I struggle... a lot

I struggle…

I struggle… a lot.

I hear people say that they hate social media, because we only show our “best” side. 

We show the smiles, the sunsets, the graduations, the love, the success…

And, life is not like that.

At least, not always.

I struggle…

And, I don’t want to ever pretend that I don’t.

Because I want to be true.

And, because struggling is healthy.

It’s just not easy, or pretty, or fun…

And, the reason it’s so important to share it with you… is not to for your pity or your empathy.

But simply, and hopefully, to let you know you are not alone.

Because I know, whether you admit it out loud or not,

You struggle too!

I struggle with the way I look… everyday.

I get angry that I don’t have more self discipline, more will power.

I struggle with the fact that my looks are important to me…

I struggle with my own vanity and my own selfishness.

I struggle with whether I am living my life, or a life that somewhere, someone told me was the one I was supposed to be living.

I struggle with the fact that I am drawn to the “softer” side of things… that I always have a gravity toward the feelings, the emotional component, the less tangible… the human.

I struggle that I really don’t know what I am doing.  That my competence in finances is not where it should be.  That my competence in leadership is not where it should be.

I struggle with the fear of making decisions that will set us back instead of propelling us forward.

I struggle with not being creative enough to see the discontinuous future.

I struggle with getting older, getting weaker… being tired.

I struggle with not being a present enough father, husband, friend, son…  I really struggle with that.

I struggle with how much I work… and with how much I don’t.

I struggle with the fear of possibly wasting time, wasting life.

I struggle with being too materialistic – I question everything I desire.

I struggle with being selfish – with thinking about myself too often, with talking about myself too much.

I struggle with my own desire to be better all the time… how to make things better… and that keeping me from making my amazing life the best it can be.

I struggle with overthinking my life, my decisions… (probably comes as no surprise).

I struggle with who I am and who I am supposed to be… and why.

Lately, I’ve been struggling more than usual, because I am less clear on why I exist, and why I wake up everyday…

As our kids get older, they need us less… and in their opinion, maybe not at all 😉

As we check off the boxes of what we thought we were supposed to achieve, chasing those boxes is no longer the objective…

So many voices speaking to mindful & meaningful existences… and I struggle with what the hell that means and how I achieve THAT!

My friends that are religious, tell me what I struggle is a lack of a relationship with God.  And, I don’t dismiss that as a possibility… I think there is truth to it.

In my mind, it’s more, I struggle with the amount of time I give my spirituality… I crave more spirituality… I just fail to make it a priority.

I struggle with the fact that too often I let life get in the way of what I think is most important.

I struggle with trying to make everyone happy….

I struggle with all that I am told by others is important.

I struggle…

I struggle a lot…

I don’t struggle with death.  And, that may be because I struggled with that for a long time, until I accepted it and started living my life in a way that made me more comfortable with the inevitability.

I don’t struggle with truth… except in those moments where I think the total truth will hurt someone’s feelings… and then I struggle with sharing as much truth as I believe they are willing to stomach…

Those two things are absolutes…

I know where the line is… there is no grayness…

I struggle with grayness…

with the vast majority of my reality

that exists somewhere in the middle of two truths…

somewhere between here and death.

I share this with you, because I want you to know me.

And, because I want you to know that it’s ok.

That I’m ok.

That you are ok.

Struggling is questioning…

And perhaps this whole push for mindfulness and meaning is the latest way of trying to navigate

The human condition.

I believe it is because I struggle that I can relate and connect with others - as I do.

It is our openness to embrace our own struggle that makes us humble, makes us open, makes us human!

The critical flavor of my struggle is very inwardly focused and too often bleeds over to those closest to me. My awareness with my own struggle makes me more aware and deliberate at being that “other” voice in the “life” conversation of others.

I am convinced that my struggle is one of my greatest gifts in my ability to connect, to relate and to be for others the voice I myself need - the voice of the other truth.

There are multiple voices in our own heads… in the conversation we are constantly having with ourselves.

Our “state of mind” is a snapshot capturing which voices are dominating the conversation.

It’s ok to struggle…

And, the voices must be balanced out… all voices need to be heard!

The critical voice of struggle must be part of the conversation – to challenge our status quo.

And, we need the other voices too.

The voices that tell me that I’ve been navigating my life for 52 years with some measure of success,

So, I can’t be all bad.

The voices of friends, loved ones and occasionally strangers, that make us feel seen and heard.

The voices that we work so hard not to believe… the voices that pay us compliments that we feel unworthy of accepting…

I am so willing to hear the critical voice and believe it and engage with it… and so unwilling to hear the positive ones. Hence, I struggle.

The concept of harmony empowers me… inspires me… through the struggle…

Because I do believe that every moment I live stands on its own merit…

Every moment I live is an experience and a life in and of itself.

Every moment is an opportunity.

Every moment is a fresh start.

I struggle more than I don’t.

And, I wish I didn’t.

Harmony is about

Acceptance…

Acceptance of

WHO we are

WHERE we are

HOW we are

AND then in that acceptance,

 it’s the ACTION toward our WANT…

my want…

It’s scary to admit how many things I struggle with…

That I’ve been struggling with my whole life.

No outside voice can convince us of our own worth.

No outside event can convince us…

I know what the conversation is inside my own mind,

And it’s so often destructive, doubt-filled, and so very lost…

I think the greatest gift we can give each other,

The greatest love we can share,

Is to speak our truth…

To share our struggle…

And from that place and truth…

Not to JUDGE – but to love…

Not to PREACH – but to hear…

Not to SOLVE – but to connect…

So that we can all know deep in our souls…

We are not alone.

We are ONE…

In struggle…

In harmony,

Nestor

Not because it serves you...

I was exchanging emails with my son this weekend.

I admire who he is and who he is becoming. We all think the world of our children, and I try to be objective in my unconditional love ;-)

One of the things I admire most about him, is that even when things aren’t “natural” to him or how he things… I can feel him working to understand them, to consider them, and possibly to embrace them.

I wrote this paragraph in one of my emails to him - and in many ways it summarizes my whole philosophy and perspective on human beings…

“Everyone wants to feel something -

but more than anything -

we want to feel seen and appreciated...

No matter who you are, how successful you are or not,

the people who make you feel authentically seen and appreciated, are the people whom you follow, the people whom you seek, support... and, the people you admire...

Be one of those people - not because of how it will serve you, but because of how it will serve others..”

The ability to see past our differences, past our preferences, past our judgements… to acknowledge, appreciate and celebrate the unique beauty and value in every person we meet..

Ay…

there it is…

it’s everything…

I am not saying people are perfect… in ANY way. I am not saying not to acknowlege issues, opportunities, behaviors, where they are necessary to acknowledge and discuss..

Just know - it’s our ability to see the unique value in others and speak to it that creates the trust to make any possible critical conversation possible and constructive.

And, in parallel the ability to shift our own focus from ourselves onto others… in a positive and real way…

that is where magic, connection, love, purpose, meaning…

all come from…

That’s my two cents…

in harmony,

Nestor